Howood
Blood rushed to my head as the viney/leafy hand lofted me high over the path Sir Nicksalot -- I mean Nick -- had been travelling; Nick had ducked behind a conviently placed bush (oh how I wished it was a pricker bush as revenge!). I waved my arms. "Put me down!" I demanded as the hand hoisted me higher. The distance between me and the ground was getting bigger and bigger. I wriggled, "Let me go!"
Suddenly, a familiar voice issued forth. "Let you go?" the viney hand's grip loosened and my leg slid through it, dropping me a couple inches. I let out a echoing shriek. The hand tightened, catching me before I went crashing to the ground. My hands covered my eyes. "Why do you doubt the dominion of the whispering leaves?" the voice boomed.
"Because in the real world, leaves don't speak!" I replied.
"The real world?" the voice scoffed.
"You know...reality? You might've heard of it? You don't exist there?" I peeked out of my fingers tentatively.
"Dude... I don't exist?" That voice.... it was so familiar.... "Why do you always gotta be dissin' on me for?"
I shook my head in surprise, then wiggled until I was facing the owner of the viney/leafy hand. I blinked. "Howie?" I asked, incredulous.
"My name is Howood."
The tree was, yes, a tree, but still somehow unmistakably Howie as well.
"Howood?" I asked.
"Yes..." he sighed, "I suppose you wanna make fun of my name too, then, huh? Or - or - or maybe I should just be sleeping or something like that?"
The bush's branches rustled down below and Sir Nicksalot -- I mean Nick -- peeked out from among the branches, staring up at me where I dangled from Howood's leafy hands. "I mean what else can I do? Even in this story I'm a damn tree..."
"A talking tree, at least," piped up Nick.
Howood's eyes landed on him. "You again?"
Nick ducked back into the bush.
Howood inspected me. "I suppose you're another Promised One, searching for the Lovely Lady Leighanne, then?"
"C'mon Howie, you know who I am... Just put me down, get out of that ridiculous tree costume, and please for the love of God go tell Leighanne I fell and hit my head on the wall at the foot of the basement steps!" I yelped.
"Seriously? You think this is a Promised One? He's cuckoo." Howood lowered me slightly and glowered at the bush.
Nick peeked back out. "He does seem a bit delusional..."
"Me delusional?" I demanded, "Me? I am not the delusional one here!" I paused, "Unless you're all just in my head because of the whole cement wall face-plant thing."
"Why do you think this pitiful specimen of a creature is the Promised One of the Kingdom of Fail?" Howood demanded.
Nick shrugged, "I dunno, the Wood Fairy King said so."
"You trust a man dressed in purple tafetta?"
"Well..."
"How many times have I told you not to trust a thing the Wood Fairy says? He is not reliable!" Howood waved his arm as emphasis, whipping me around with it. It was like the worst ride Disney World ever created or something. I flailed about helplessly, ready to vomit.
"Can you please put me down?" I begged, covering my mouth before a shower of pizza and Reeses Pieces fell over Nick below.
"Oh right, right, sorry." Howood lowered me to the dusty path way and pet my head as he withdrew his viney/leafy hand. Nick inched out of the bush and offered me a hand to my feet.
"The Wood Fairy king might be a bit of a ... well a fairy..." Nick stammered as I dusted off my ass and blood returned to the rest of my body like a water fall, "But he's not completely stupid."
"Just mostly," Howood suggested. He paused and twisted his trunk to stare at us both in an appraisal. "Well I'll let you pass, Sir Nicksalot," he decided, "But only because this is a pitiful Promised One... and I kind of want to see what happens if it turns out you're right and he is the one you've been waiting for... I mean, Evil Queen Reena will tear him apart limb to limb like it's nothing." He looked at me.
"Yeah, she'll make sawdust outta you," Nick hissed. "We've seen it done."
"Don't remind me," whimpered Howood.
"Sawdust?" I asked.
Nick leaned close, "Howood had more hands once upon a time, then Queen Reena -- she... she..." he paused. "Pruned."
"Pruned?"
Howood shuddered and wailed loudly, "Nooooo!"
Nick covered my mouth with his big, sweaty hands. "SHhhh! Don't say the word outloud, you dumbass."
His hand tasted like coins. I shook him off me.
"Why would she..." I glanced at Howood, then mouthed the word prune, "...a talking tree?"
"Dude do you not get it? Queen Reena is evil!" Nick said, his voice climbing in passion as he continued on, "She wants World Domination and won't stop - won't rest - won't eat, sleep, have sex, jog, watch TV, paint, ski, or go white-water-rafting -- until she's got it. And she doesn't care who she has to ruin to get it, be it an innocent woodland creature, a Minirok, a talking tree, the Wood Fairy King, a horny knight, or even - dare I say it - a Promised One... as long as it means she has sole posession of the throne."
I stared at Nick. "But she's just one person," I argued, "How can an entire kingdom fall subject to a single person? What about a revolt?"
Sir Nicksalot shook his head, "Don't you understand?" he asked, "That's the whole point of expecting a Promised One. You are supposed to lead us into battle for our land, you are supposed to restore freedom and joy to the people of the Kingdom of Fail..." he paused dramatically, "You are supposed to be the King of Fail."
"Me?" I demanded, "I'm supposed to -- oh dear." I sighed, "I reeeeeally need to wake up and take an Advil." I sat down on a rock under the shade of Howood, who reached down with a viney/leafy hand and patted my back.
