~ 33 ~

The Other Nick

Date: June 1st, 1999

Place: Just outside the Pelham Bay Prison

+ Howie +

The resemblance was amazing but even more amazing was just how similar they both appeared to be. When this other Nick pulled me into a hug, he even smelled like our Nick. I’ll get back to you on whether that was a good thing or not. He looked back and forth between Kevin and me with tears rolling down his face.  He seemed so happy to see us alive and well. In the meantime here I was thinking, okay Kevin take out that gun and shoot him right in the head before he has a chance to talk. I could tell Kevin was possibly thinking of doing just that. As Nick’s back was turned to him I saw him feel for his gun, but he kept it in his pocket.

“So?”

I glanced away from Kevin and back to the young blond standing in front of me with the same look of confusion and impatience on his face that I had seen so many times before.

“So what?”

“What did that guy mean by you know what to do? And who is that guy? I have so many questions; I don’t even know where to begin.”

Kevin closed his eyes briefly, “He’s just a friend we met.”

“What do you have to do?”

He was just about to ask another question when he suddenly started coughing so fiercely he actually began to drop. I reached for him just before he hit the ground.

“Are you okay?” I asked a little more concerned than I wanted to be. In my mind this was the puppy my mother told me not to get too attached to. The more you get to know him, the more it’ll hurt when you say goodbye, or in our circumstance, murder him.

That’s when it hit me for the first time. This was a living breathing human being and we were going to have to murder him, so that someone else can live. It’s like something you find in those books of hypothetical questions. Would you kill a stranger if it meant your brother would live? This shit is not supposed to happen.

“I’ll be okay. I haven’t really been feeling well but I think it’s because of the cold. They didn’t give us any blankets or heat at that place.”

I had forgotten I asked the question as he was responding, but I nodded sympathetically at him just the same. Kevin reached over and felt his forehead.

“You have a fever.”

“I think I’ve had one for at least a week now.”

I could tell that Kevin was stalling. Hoping that maybe Don would be out shortly and do what I knew he wouldn’t be able to do himself. Not that I have room to talk because there was no way I would be able to kill Nick either.

“What was it like in there?” I decided to ask as a distraction for all three of us.

“Hell.”

A simple answer that should have sufficed, I mean I could tell he didn’t want to elaborate at all and that was probably a good thing. I couldn’t leave it alone though.

“What did they do? Did they torture you?”

Kevin gave me a look of disapproval. I know it was mean; kind of like toying with your prey before you move in for the kill. I wasn’t doing it to be mean. I was curious and I felt bad for him. I needed to know what was happening in that prison just in case we didn’t make it out of here and ended up in there.

“Not physically, no. It was more of a mental thing.”

“How so?”

“After you guys were…well after I thought you were dead, they dragged me into this car and put a hood over my head and just kept laughing about how the world was a much better place without you.”

I felt my stomach lurch, just a little.

“And then they kept talking about all the different ways they were thinking about killing me. They wanted to make a spectacle of my death. Shooting me in the head would have been too boring. They said they’d throw me into the ocean and let the sharks eat me. That was one of their ideas.”

He glanced down at his hands as he worried his fingers at the base of his shirt. The same thing our Nick always did when he wasn’t comfortable talking about something.

“They locked me in this dark room with nothing but a dirty old mattress and a bucket to pee and shit in. They said this was the kind of life I really deserved.”

He coughed once more, this time followed by a few droplets of blood that fell from his mouth. He took his sleeve and wiped away the blood before continuing on.

“All I wanted to do was die. I couldn’t’ help thinking about you guys. You haunted me almost every night. The way you all looked right before they shot you. I still don’t understand how you are here talking to me. Was it some sort of mind game?”

“Not exactly,” Kevin answered. He kept glancing over towards the prison gate, hoping to see any sign of Don and Alan emerge from the shadows.

“They eventually allowed me out of my cell for an hour a day. Still isolated from everyone else but at least I was able to be in the light.”

I placed a hand on his shoulder, just because it would be something I’d do for our own Nick. He looked at me and placed his head on my shoulder once again meriting a look from Kevin. 

“Then they let me out longer and longer until I think they actually forgot who I was and why I was there. I just became Nick, the normal kid.”

He closed his eyes and coughed once more. This Nick was definitely sick, not as ill as ours but still he wasn’t well. Chances are if we had enough time we could let nature just take its course. Unfortunately though, I think it’s our Nick who would be on the losing end.

I thought it was a good time to take some direction from Kevin. He was staring at Nick with a look of disbelief and sadness. Once I caught his eyes I mouthed, “What are we going to do?”

He felt for his gun again and my heart actually started to beat faster. I wanted to wake Nick up and tell him to run before it was too late. This would be the perfect time though. While his eyes were closed so this way he’d never know what happened. Now was the time.

Kevin slowly went for his gun. He took it out of his pocket and looked at it with trepidation. “I don’t think I can…” He whispered.

I felt the heat of Nick’s fevered body as his head rested on my shoulder. His breathing was rhythmic as he fell into a restful sleep. I would have to move him off of me for this to work, so I carefully moved my body and guided him down to the ground, removing my jacket and placing it under his head.

“God forgive us…” I felt for my cross. The one I always wore around my neck. It’s weird that this was the first time since we’ve been here I found myself really looking for it. Now more than ever, I needed to feel some sort of salvation for what we were about to do.

“Howie, I can’t.”

Kevin’s hand was shaking very badly just as he was trying to unlock the safety like Don had shown him so many times. I know he wanted me to take the gun out of his hands and with it the burden of murder, but I couldn’t do it either. He was our best chance.

After taking a few deep breaths, he managed to unlock the safety and then aim it at Nick’s head. I moved as far away from him as possible. I placed my hands over my ears and closed my eyes so tightly that they actually hurt.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I opened my eyes when I heard Nick’s urgent voice. He was suddenly sitting up as Kevin still aimed the gun at him.

“Kevin, why? What are you doing?” He asked once again in a half screaming, half crying tone, and one that I will never forget as long as I am living.

“I have to Nick.” Kevin responded, in tears himself.

“Is that why you’re alive? They kept you alive just to kill me?”

“No, it’s not like that.”

I didn’t know what to do as they had this macabre conversation. My brotherly instinct wanted to shield Nick from what was happening, and then that same instinct wanted me to grab the gun and just get it over with.

“Then, what is it like?”

“We aren’t who you think we are.”

It seemed like Kevin was going for the truth. When Nick once again gave that confused look as his reply, I took over.

“Nicky, we are from a different place and time. The Kevin and Howie you knew from this world actually did die along with AJ and Brian. I’m so sorry you had to live through that.”

His mouth was slightly opened in an amazed silence.

Kevin continued, “I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. You said so yourself, that you didn’t understand how we could be alive. We landed here by accident and we are trying to get back home.”

“Why the gun?” He wiped away a few tears.

“Because our Nick is very sick, just like you.”

“Your Nick?”

“Yes, he’s here with us and because you are both here, you’re making each other sick.”

As hard as this was to buy, I could tell he actually believed what we were saying. Maybe he was able to sense our Nick’s presence here.

“I still don’t understand why you’re fucking aiming a gun at me!”

I placed my hand on his shoulder once again but this time, he backed away from me as if I was the plague.

“Because you have to die for him to get better.” I said frankly.

“Excuse me?”

“You are both making each other sick; if you die he will get better.”

“The plan is to kill me so ‘your’ Nick can live? Well isn’t that the fucking sweetest thing in the world!”

I’m not sure what reaction I was expecting. It’s not like he was going to take the gun and blow his own brains out just for his doppelganger’s sake.

“Basically, yes.”

“Well, fuck you both!” Nick tried to get off the ground but staggered as he did. I once again grabbed for him and helped him to his feet.

Once he gained his balance, he shoved me and I ended up falling down. “I was so happy to see you both. You were the first sense of hope I had since I saw you die and now this…” He started crying once again. “Well you know, fuck it! Maybe you should just fucking kill me! What the hell do I have to live for anyway?”

He turned towards Kevin and got in his face, “Go ahead, kill me Kevy!” He grabbed the butt of the gun and held it to his chest, “I looked up to you like a father, so I guess it’s only fitting that you be the one to kill me. My own father was a piece of crap too! Did you know it was HIM? He’s the one that told them where we were going to be that day. Yes, my father is the reason that your fucking doubles are dead…so go ahead; please put me the fuck out of my misery!”

I had tears in my eyes as I watched what was happening. Kevin did too. We both didn’t see this kid as the other Nick. He was our Nick. The way he felt betrayed by his own father was pretty much the same kind of conversations we would have with Nicky late at night after Brian and AJ had gone to bed. It was the two of us he would cry to about his parents and how horrible they were.

“Do it!! Please!!” He was crying hysterically now and once again fell to his knees on the ground, holding his head in his hands and rocking back and forth, “Can’t live like this anymore!” He kept saying over and over again.

Kevin looked at me, so hopeless. At that point I knew…

Kevin placed the gun on the ground and knelt down and embraced Nick as tightly as he could, “It’s okay…I’m so sorry Nick.”

I knew our Nick wasn’t going to get better and the only way he was going to survive was if we got the hell out of this place. I put my arms around Nick as well and for a second or two the three of us all huddled close like a litter of kittens about to be split up.

“Are you going to kill me?”

Kevin shook his head, “I can’t.”

“What about the other me?”

“We’ll have to figure something else out.”

We heard some commotion from the prison so I nervously looked over to see two shadows running towards us. “They’re coming!”

Kevin nodded at me and handed the gun to Nick, “You have to go! If you don’t go now, Don will shoot you.”

“Go where?”

“I don’t know, anywhere but you need to go now!”

Kevin helped Nick to his feet and then kind of pushed him in the opposite direction of Don and Alan who were now close enough to see Nicky running away.  

Before we could tell him to stop, Don aimed the gun at Nick’s back and fired a shot. Kevin’s quick reflexes pushed the gun in an upward direction just as it fired. Nick looked back at us and then took off running.

“Why the hell did you do that?” Don asked, furious.

“We need to get out of here before the guards come and check out why there was a gun fired.” Alan said. He looked wiped out and a little bruised.

“You let him go! I can’t believe that. You just signed your friend’s death certificate. I hope you realize that!”

As we ran off in the same direction Nick had, I felt such a deep sense of loss. He was right, by letting this Nick go, we just condemned ours to die. How could we do that?

“We’ll just have to make sure we get the hell back home.”

Kevin answered as the other Nick completely disappeared from view.

“We’ll just have to get home.” He said once more.