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Chapter Ten

His lips had just been sucking on my neck and yet I still saved his ass with his wife. I didn't understand it. I was now a woman and I still didn't understand women.

Damnit.

I paced the living room and listened to Bri finish the phone conversation. He laughed weakly once, seemed to talk to Baylee for a few minutes and then there was silence.

Stone silence.

I rubbed my arms. I wasn't used to being the pin-nee in a romantic tussel. I was used to being a pin-ner. Even when Becky wrestled with me, I 'let' her think she won. I exhaled loudly, disturbing my hair as a result.

"Um..."

I turned. Bri was hovering in the doorway. "Thanks again."

"No problem. It just came to me."

"I really can't believe you came up with that. That really required fast thinking."

"Well, I'm not stupid."

"I know that," Bri said awkwardly. He rubbed his neck. "Listen, um, about..."

"Just forgettaboutit," I said quickly.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No, I can't. I haven't been a perfect gentleman."

I smiled. "I know. But I told the lie for you so we're okay."

"We're not okay! We're..."

I had a feeling I knew where he was taking the conversation and I was suddenly done talking. I faked a yawn.

"I'm tired. I'm going to go pee, get some water, go pee again and go to bed."

"Bed?"

I pointed towards the guest room. "Bed?" I mimicked a sleep pose with my hand. "Y'know sleep?" Bri slumped against the doorframe. "Bed," he repeated.

"Right," I said. I began inching my way towards the bathroom. "So, uh, g'night."

"Bed," he mumbled again. Knowing he was a lost cause, I did my shiz and locked myself in the guest room. Only then did I freak out.

"Crap, we almost...I almost...there was..." I sank down on the edge of the bed. I was exhausted, but my brain didn't seem to want to shut off. Thoughts of Becky, Brian, and boners streamed through my head. I scooted back and fell upon the pillows. I stared at the ceiling, drumming my fingers against my stomach.

Morning. I could at least hope I'd wake up a man again. That would be good. That would be...

"Good morning."

I was having the most amazing dream ever. For some reason, I was on a deserted island with Jake Gyl--Gyl---however-the-hell-you-spell-his-last-name--Hall. And he had just told me good morning.

"I made breakfast."

In my dream I was a woman, but in 'dream state' I guess that didn't freak me out so much. Me and Jakey G-Hall were getting all baby-making horny and--

"NICK!"

My whole body went into a weird spastic quiver. I slapped at my pillow, spitting out a gob of hair as I lifted my head.

"What? What?!"

Bri took a step back. He was holding a tray in his hands. "I made you breakfast," he said. Then he mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'so much for tough love.'

"You made--you made me breakfast?" I repeated. He nodded.

"That's so---gotta pee."

I yanked the covers back and slid out of bed. I winced and almost doubled over.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sore."

"Yeah, Leighanne always got that way around her eighth month. It's from laying still so long."

I didn't respond. Between the aches and my bladder I was about to lose it. I shuffled off to the bathroom. When I returned, Bri was still standing there with the breakfast tray. I sat down and he put it beside me.

"You made me my favorite pancakes," I said. I pressed a finger into the middle of one.

"I couldn't remember how to make them. Is that right?"

I sniffled. "Perfect." Staring up at me were three perfect Frankensteins, chunks of sausage links for the neck bolts. I picked up a link, dunked it in the vat of syrup he had brought me, and chewed vigorously.

I almost choked as I felt his hands on my back.

"What are you doing?" I said. I turned my head. He looked up at me.

"I'm just rubbing your back. It will take away some of the pressure."

"Rubbing my--ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh."

He had hit upon a mass of coiled muscle. My head dropped down to my chest. I slapped at the tray and brought a piece of pancake to my mouth.

"See, I told you," he said proudly.

"Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I said again as his hands moved.

This pattern of rub-ooh-eat continued for the next fifteen minutes. Finally, I had half a Frankenstein left and admitted defeat. I moved the tray and scooted back farther into his hands.

He paused.

"Don't stop," I begged. "Please don't stop."

His palms pressed deeper and I leaned my head back. I didn't realize his breath was on my neck right away. It was only when I felt those same suction-y lips from the night before that I realized what was happening.

And I thought of Jake G---G---that Jake guy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


The tray slid off the bed as I crawled onto it.

"Briii-annnn," Nick groaned. His fingers splayed across my face, pushing me back from his neck. "Briiii-aaaaaan," he pushed harder and I finally fell backwards, sliding on the slick sheets, and landed on my ass on the carpet. I stared up at him. Nick stared down at me. He grinned. "I'm startin' to think you only love me for the sex," he said.

I realized I was sitting with my ass on the half a Frankenstein Nick had left on the plate. Gooey maple syrup was soaking through my sweatpants onto my ass. Another boner was gracing my lap.

What the hell is wrong with me? I wondered, blinking up at the feminine version of my best friend. I rolled off the pancake and Nick giggled. "You have a sausage on your ass."

I swiped it off and scrambled to my feet and turned to face Nick. "I'm sorry," I said.

"For what? Sitting on my breakfast or giving me a big ass hickey?"

"Oh Lordy, Lordy," I murmured and covered my face.

Nick sighed, "Aw Bri, it's okay. You're horny for pregnant chicks, it's okay, I get it."

I peeked between my fingers. "Excuse me?"

"Well you said once when Leigh was pregnant that it was the best sex of your life, right?"

"Um, yeah?"

"And now you get a boner every time you even look at me and while yes I am a total fox, I can't help but think it's not me that's turning you on.. it's these..." Nick squeezed a breast with one hand and ran the other over the orb of his stomach. "Pregnant bitches get you hot. It's cool."

"Women don't like being called bitches," I snapped.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "And which one of us has been a woman to know this?" he mused, "Hmmm?"

"Even as a woman you're clueless about women," I rolled my eyes.

The bedsprings creaked erotically as Nick moved to get onto his knees. "Teach me bout women, Brian," he begged.

I stared at him. "You're kidding me, right?"

Nick shook his head, looking solemn. "Teach me everything you know."

"Why?"

"Because," he turned pink a little. "I wanna be the best husband ever to Becky - if I can ever get my penis back - and... and you're... you..." he looked at the bedspread sheepishly and sucked on his finger again. I closed my eyes. "You're the best example I could possibly have," he blurted out.

I sighed.

"Puh-leeeeeease?"

"Nick, I --"

"PLEASE?"

"Fine."

"Yay!" Nick crawled off the bed. "Okay, let's start. Teach me something."

"Like what?"

"I dunno, anything. Just something. Teach me something good."

I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. "I love you," I said in a low, meaningful voice.

Nick's eyes widened. "You - you do?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, you freak monkey, that's what I'm teaching you. You have to say that to your woman... Everyday. And you have to mean it. And she's gotta know you mean it."

"Ohhh," Nick's eyes twinkled and he grinned, "Yeahhh, that's good. Will that get me sexed up?" he asked.

"Not everything is about sex," I muttered.

Nick's eyebrows nearly shot off his head, "It's not??!" he asked, incredulous, "How could you even --"

I held up my palm to stop him. "You already know that's true. You've stopped me like three times from trying to sex you up now..." I pointed out. I turned red, "I mean, not that I would've -- but you know - you - I --" I stammered, then stopped, and turned red. "You know what I mean."

Nick laughed. "Yoooou wanted to have s-e-x with meeeee," he sing-songed.

I shook my head.

"Just wait 'til AJ hears this!" and with that, he danced out of the room.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIII-ICK!" I yelled, charging after him, "Don't you dare tell AJ any of this!"