"Hello?"
For a second, I completely forgot that I sounded like a chick. Bri was dancing around me and I was turning in circles, keeping the phone out of his reach at all times.
"Guess what?" I blurted.
"Who's this?"
"Nick."
"Very funny."
I stopped and Bri almost swiped the phone. I ran into the kitchen and we began to play ring-a-round the kitchen island.
"No, J, I'm serious. It's Nick."
"I'm sorry hun," J said. Suddenly a very loud cry pierced the receiver. I winced and held the phone away, rubbing my ear.
"Nick, I swear to God--"
I pressed the phone back to my ear. "Was that Brian?" I heard J asked. "Is he in on this prank? Tell him this is the lamest thing Carter's pulled."
"I'm not pulling anything! Nurse Hatchet turned me into a chick!"
There was dead silence. Bri swung a claw-like hand out for me. Don't ask me why, but I jumped back and batted my eyes. He stopped, reddening more, and then ran towards me. I yelped and ran down the hall.
"What's going on?" J asked. "I don't..."
"BRIAN'SCHASINGMECAUSEHEWANTSMYPREGNANTVAJAJAY!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.
And, since it had somehow become my safe haven, I ducked into the bathroom and locked myself in. Brian's fists beat against the door.
"Did you just say," AJ said slowly. "That Brian wants your va-jay-jay?"
"J, who the hell are you talking to?" I heard Ro say.
"Don't cuss around the baby!" AJ said. I could just picture the sarcastic smile on his face.
,br> "Nick, I swear to goodness gracious," Bri said. His knuckles tapped on the door. "Don't involve AJ. I thought you wanted me to teach you how to be a better man? This isn't being a good man, Nick. Hang up, come out, and I'll teach you everything I know."
I was pretty sure that even though Dominique was crying in his arms, J could hear the panic in Brian's voice. "Fuck, are you telling the--"
"ALEX DON'T CUSS WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING THE BABY! FUCK IS WORSE THAN HELL!"
"Shit," J muttered. "I'm pretty sure fucking is better than hell," he whispered into the line. Then he cleared his throat. "Dude, is this for real? How--"
I gave him a quick recap of what went down at the hospital. When I started in on Brian finding me with my girly head in the toilet, J started to laugh.
"It's not funny!" I complained. "If anyone should understand, it's you!"
Jizzle stopped laughing. "We don't talk about that," he said seriously.
"You touched Howie's wang."
"I had to! There was still bathroom logistics to worry about and--"
"Yes, but at least you weren't a million months pregnant with a horny guy right outside the door!"
"NICK!" Bri yelled. "Are you fucking kid--"
"C'mere sweetie. Daddy needs his mouth washed out with soap." Rochelle said. Dominique's cries became louder.
"You cuss just as much in front of her!" AJ argued.
Thus began a five minute bickering session back and forth between the two. While I sat against the door waiting, I began to hear the sound of a small metal implement wiggling in the lock.
"Bri, what are you doing?" I called out. There was no answer.
"Nick?" J said. "Or whoever? I gotta go, but I've so got to see if you're telling the truth or just prankin' me. Where are you?"
"Still at Brian's. He's in LA at his place. Becky thinks I'm in Florid-aaahhh!"
Bri had managed to pick the lock. The door started moving, scooting me across the floor. I braced my feet on the toilet.
"No! No!"
I dropped my phone and pressed my hands against the door to no avail. In the before time, in the man time, I would have been able to keep me out. Instead, he slid right in.
He looked murderous. And cute. My legs were splayed around the toilet bowl, my hands behind me to brace myself. I smiled up at him with what I hoped were the same big puppy dog eyes I used as a guy.
"Hi," I said. I lifted a hand and wiggled my fingers in his direction. "You look cute when you're mad," I added.
"He's coming over here isn't he?" Bri said thickly. I smiled. My plan had worked. Even though Rok seemed to be struggling the most with the 'I want to, but I can't sleep with my best friend who used to be a man' thing, I was pretty sure the next time he kissed my neck I wouldn't have sense enough to push him away. And I knew he wouldn't push me away if I did something girly like kiss him again. And that weirded me out. J would be the perfect distraction. I nodded.
"Ya-up."
"Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit," J exclaimed fifteen minutes later, when Nick opened the door, now wearing a pair of pink sweatpants and a tank top with teeny tiny hearts. He'd run out of the bathroom after announcing that AJ was on his way over, squealing that he had to change.
"Why?" I'd called after him, "It's just AJ."
"You know nothing!" he'd called back, slamming the guest room door.
"I can't fucking believe this," AJ continued. He made a motion for Nick to spin around and Nick twirled - far too elegantly for any man to do - and beamed when AJ let out a long, low whistle at his backside.
Nick peeked over his shoulder. "Aren't these sweats just adorable?" he asked.
AJ looked up, "Yeah, 'cos the sweats are what I'm looking at..." AJ grinned wickedly. "Dude, have you... you know... had fun yet?"
Nick blushed.
"You dog," AJ crowed.
I lowered myself into a chair in the living room, feeling replaced. I sighed, listening to them talking. Why did Nick have to go and call AJ up anyways? Wasn't I enough to keep him entertained? Noooo, had to add AJ to the mix. I tugged on a loose string from my shirt.
"What's it like?" AJ asked, "Having breasts?"
"It's really weird," Nick was saying. "But also kind of cool. Oh dude they're like super sensitive. I totally get it why Becky flips out when I lick'em now."
Did he have to talk about licking breasts? Really?
He didn't talk about licking breasts with me.
"Yeah?" J's voice was excited, "Can I see'em?"
Nick sounded affroned, "What? Why the hell do you wanna see my boobs?"
"Dude," J's voice sounded like this was a no-brainer, "If you had a sandwich and I was starving to death, I'd ask you for a bite of sandwich, right?"
Nick's pause told me he didn't know where AJ was going with this. "...Yeaaaah," he said quietly, hesitantly.
"Well, I'm starving, let me see your sandwiches!"
A squeak from Nick, and a moment later they both burst into the living room. Nick flung himself onto my lap and curled up in a fetal position, his hair splaying across the arm of the chair, his ass pressing into my lap and squealed, "What is it with you guys and my hooters?!?"
AJ was standing before me looking like a hungry lion.
"Leave her alone," I snapped at AJ.
"Her?" AJ laughed, "Dude, Rok, it's Nick, remember?"
"I know it's Nick," I said hotly, pushing Nick off my lap and standing up. He quickly curled up into the chair and hugged his knees to his chest, watching as I stood between him and AJ. "But he doesn't want you trying to feel him up, obviously, have some respect instead of being a fucking pig."
AJ's eyes widened at the word fucking and I heard Nick gasp behind me. "That's twice in two days that you've said fuck," he said in a hallowed voice.
A snort emitted from AJ, "What, is he your girlfriend now?" he asked.
"No!" I yelled. "That'd be yucky." This whole conversation was beginning to take on the feeling of a third grade bullying incident.
Nick's squealy voice came from behind me, "Why would it be yucky?" he demanded. Then his voice struck new levels of horror, "Oh my God, you think I'm fat don't you?!?"
I thought AJ was gonna choke on his own tongue. He made a funny gurgling sound and turned away, clutching his face and wheezing loudly. I turned to look at Nick. He was staring at me, slack-jawed, eyes wide with dismay. "I- I-" I stammered, "I -- what?" My mind was whirling, trying to figure out how he connected my thinking it'd be yucky if he was my girlfriend (and considering he was really a man deep down, this really should not have been hard to figure out why it would be yucky) to fat.
"Oh my God --" he gasped, struggling to his feet to stand in front of me, "You didn't answer right away! That means you have to think about it! You shouldn't have to think about it! Why are you thinking about it? You do think I'm fat! Oh my God! You're mean!"
"I don't think you're --"
"LIAR!" And with lightening-quick reflexes, his hand struck me across the face - hard. The crack seemed to echo in the room for several long moments, my face smarting and turning red-hot, the silence only broken by a hissing-wheezing sound coming from AJ. "Don't speak to me!" And off he went, racing down the hall to the guest bedroom, whose door slammed almost as hard as his hand had hit my face.
I turned around to look at AJ. "Good God," I muttered.
"I know right?" he said quietly, then, with twinkling eyes, he said, "But cheer up, later on you guys can have make-up sex."
I smacked my hand to my forehead.
