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I knew I was in the nightmare right away.  It could have been any normal work day in Manhattan but as I walked down a busy sidewalk toward the World Trade Center I knew what day it was and as was typical in my dreams, I knew what was about to happen.  My pace quickened as I looked up and saw that the towers had not been hit yet by either plane.  Maybe if I got to the building before the planes hit I could stop Sean from going inside.  If he could see from the ground how bad it was then he wouldn’t go to the office and it would be okay. 

By the time I made the short walk to the base of the towers though that often warped time zone in my dreams had fast forwarded and not only had one plane hit, but both had.  I looked up in agony to see the smoke, fire, and debris coming from both buildings.  My phone was in my hand, and in my ear Sean was telling me that he was going to be okay because the firefighters were in the building and would put the fire out.  I cried, screaming into the phone begging him to get out somehow but he remained calm and kept telling me that he’d be okay.

Then the deafening roar of the collapsing buildings began and I stood frozen at the base as the towers imploded down toward me.   A noiseless scream was coming from my mouth even as I could taste the burning hot ash falling at me.  I thought to myself, this isn’t real.  This isn’t how it happened. I’m just dreaming again.  But it really didn’t matter because I knew within seconds I would see him.  He’d be falling with the buildings with his arm stretched out toward me, fear in his eyes, and I would try and reach him but would fail as I was covered by debris. 

As I reached out and just barely touched fingertips with Sean I closed my eyes in preparation of being buried alive but then the dream changed.  The noise, heat, and pain of being crushed that normally signaled the end of the dream and woke me up gasping for clean air were suddenly gone.  My eyes were still shut tightly and I was shaking in fear waiting for the building to hit me when I realized that someone had my hand. 

I opened my eyes quickly, hoping that maybe this time I’d finally done it.  Maybe I’d finally managed to reach Sean’s hand and changed the dream.  But when my eyes opened they didn’t fall on my sweet baby brother, instead they saw Kevin.   He was holding my hand and we were standing in my old apartment.  I looked out of the window and saw the big cloud of ash that meant Sean’s tower had gone down and I noticed that I still had my telephone in my hand.  Everything was just as it had really been that morning of 9/11, except that I wasn’t alone anymore.  I looked from the destruction outside of the window back to Kevin and plead with him silently but he just shook his head and pulled me into his arms. 

I watched the scene through the window with my head pressed against Kevin’s warm chest until my eyes couldn’t see through my tears.  I closed them again and held on tight to Kevin taking comfort in his arms and his silent presence.  I thought to myself how different it felt to have him there with me.  It didn’t take away the pain of losing Sean by any means, but it grounded me.  Instead of feeling like the whole world was falling apart around me and I had no safe place to stand, I finally felt like I was safe.

I opened my eyes to find that I’d woken from the dream and was back in reality in bed with Kevin.  I was in the same position with him as I’d been in the dream except that we were lying down instead of standing.  I listened to his breathing while quiet tears flooded my eyes and I thought back to the dream trying to figure out what it all meant.  All I could keep thinking of was the word safe.  Kevin was safe.  I was safe. I may not have known what was in store for me when it came to my relationship with Kevin but I knew with all of my heart and soul that things with him would be okay.  It was as strong of a feeling as anything I’d ever had before, stronger even than the emotions that went through me the morning Sean died and I’d begged him to stay home.

I grabbed my locket and rubbed it between my thumb and forefinger.  A picture of Sean, smiling and happy, popped into my head and I couldn’t help but smile even though there were tears in my eyes.  I wished so badly that I could just talk to him again.  I did still talk to him occasionally and I somehow knew that he was listening, but I wanted more than anything for him to be able to answer back.  Not with some sign or a warm fuzzy feeling, but with actual words.  Just like I’d done countless other times though I closed my eyes with my locket in my fingers, brought it to my lips for a kiss and I sent him my love wherever he was.

Unable to go back to sleep, not because of being ripped from a nightmare but instead experiencing this strange calm from the new version of my dream, I carefully and quietly moved out of Kevin’s arms.  When I touched my sprained foot to the floor I sighed and remembered my new injury.  I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand on my foot just yet so I grabbed the crutches that were near the bed and tried my best not to make any sound as I made my way out of the room. 

The house was absolutely silent except for the sound of my clicking crutches and I found myself downstairs in the kitchen.  It was actually early morning even though the sun hadn’t come up yet so I figured coffee was warranted.  Thankfully Josef had one of those snazzy coffee makers that could make just one perfect cup of coffee at a time so within less than a few minutes I was happily perched in the breakfast nook with coffee in hand and the sounds of the City waking up outside the window. 

It didn’t take long for Kevin to wake up and find me which made me chuckle.  “You’re like a little kid looking for his Mama… every time I get up at night you come looking for me.”

He sat down next to me and kissed me, “First of all, you’re not my Mama…” he said with a dirty smirk that made me blush.  “But yeah, I when I wake up and you’re not there I worry that you’re off somewhere being sad all by yourself.  I need to know you’re okay.”

I put my hand on his cheek, running my thumb over the stubble that had grown in overnight, and I smiled.  “I’m actually really okay for a change…”

“Yeah?” he asked with a smile.

I nodded and leaned into him letting him wrap his arms around me all over again.  I told him all about my dream and the safe feeling that I had when I woke up.  He smiled at me with the most gorgeous smile, only made better by the colossal bed head he was sporting, and then he kissed me so good it took my breath away.

Out of breath I chuckled as I rested my forehead against his after the kiss, “Now I’m really, really okay…”

“Okay enough to go back upstairs?”

“What, you don’t want to drink coffee with me?”

“I’ll drink coffee with you later…” he said against my neck as he placed kisses on my skin.  “What I want right now is my girlfriend in bed with me.”

The feeling of his breath on my skin mixed with his lips kissing me gently made me shiver.  I ran my fingers through his hair, which I knew he loved because every time I did it he sighed and closed his eyes.  When he looked at me again I stared at his green eyes for a moment and then smiled, “Take me back to bed, Heartthrob.”

A few hours later when it was more appropriate to be awake Kevin got to finally experience the joy and craziness of Book Week.  There were still two days before my official book release but of course there was plenty to do.  Jules was at the house bright and early, sans Miles much to my dismay, ready to go over my schedule for the week.  The dining room was our headquarters and we were surrounded by all sorts of book swag that needed my autograph or to be sorted into prize packs.  There were also boxes and boxes of books that needed to be signed for assorted giveaways and contests.  By noon Jules had a color coded poster sized schedule to follow for the entire week.  Every single wardrobe change, interview, travel time, and food break was written out in living color on the bright poster board perched on a stand in the corner of the room. 

I looked at the schedule from my spot at the table and was both excited and overwhelmed.  As my books became more popular, the number of interviews I had to do with a book release increased.  Then of course there was the top secret news that a deal had finally been made to make at a movie of the first two books in my series adding to the excitement.  I’d known that it was in the works, but once we were in New York Jules had given me the good news and immediately started briefing me on how I needed to approach the subject in my interviews and book signings.  It wasn’t a bad thing, I really was excited about all of the great things happening, it was just a lot to take in all at once and seeing it on the schedule made my head spin a little bit.   

Jules caught a glimpse of the look on my face as I stared at the schedule and she smiled, “What?”

“Huh?” I asked, snapping out of my trance.

“You’ve got that look on your face… what’s wrong with the schedule?”

I sighed and shook my head, “Oh it’s nothing… it’s a good schedule.  I’m actually not that nervous about it this time for some reason.”

“But…”

“But…” I twirled my locket in my fingers absentmindedly and shrugged, “I don’t know.  It’s like for once I’m in the City and I’m actually not freaking out about being here, you know?  But my schedule is so full that I won’t really be able to enjoy it.  And when am I supposed to spend time with Kev?”

Jules smiled and looked at the schedule, “From 3:45 to 6:00 on Wednesday, and every night after 11:00 p.m.”

I groaned and threw a wadded up piece of newspaper at her.  Because I still couldn’t put much weight on my foot I’d taken to creating paper balls to throw at people when I wanted their attention or wanted to smack them but couldn’t.  “Bite me…”

“I’m kidding…” she said and threw the paper ball back at me.  “I know you’re busy but it’s just a week.  And he’s coming along for most of this stuff right?”

I shrugged, “I dunno… I guess?  We haven’t really talked about it because I’ve been in this meeting with you all morning.”

“Well I know for a fact he’s going to some of these things because he said so himself.  And honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to get him away from you if I tried…” she smiled and sat down next to me at the table.  “I never thought I’d say it, but I give you my blessing to be with that sexy beast of a man… I’m giving up my hopes of ever being with him, just for you.”

We giggled together, “Thanks… that’s big of you.”

“Oh I know!” she said and laughed.  “He’s so in love with you…”

I sighed and thought about him with a smile that I couldn’t stop even if I’d wanted to.  He and Christian had run out on an errand to buy more Sharpies for the autographing of swag, Starbucks to keep us going, and lunch so that we didn’t get cranky.  “I love him too, Jules.  So freaking much…”

“Um, I can tell,” she said with a giggle.  “I could tell when you talked about him over the phone, but to see it in person? Holy cow.  You’re gone, baby.  And it’s beautiful!”

I blushed and nodded as I picked up a Sharpie and continued signing books.  “It is kind of awesome, huh?”

“Very. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I was watching him with my little man last night… He’s got the Baby Bug.”

“Oh my god, I know!” I said as I stopped signing books again and looked at her.  “I mean, I knew before because we talked about it back home.  There’s this whole story about that bitch ex-wife of his that I have to tell you about but man… Seeing him with Miles last night and knowing how much Kev wants a kid? Good lord, it makes my ovaries ache!  I swear he was as upset as I was that you didn’t bring the Stinker Butt with you today!”

Jules laughed and put her hand over mine on the table, “You’re so cute I kind of want to hate you both right now.”

“I know…” I said and laughed.  “I’m trying so hard not to be one of those love-sick girls that you and I both abhor so much, but…”

“But he’s gorgeous and you’re in love and it’s totally okay.  Just as long as you don’t flaunt it too much in front of your poor single-mother friend who hasn’t had sex in over a year,” she winked at me with a grin.  “Honestly, it could be great press too.  For people to see you in the City with Kevin all happy and in love while you’re promoting a book about love… people are going to eat it up.”

I took a deep breath, “Yeah… we do need to talk about that when he’s back though.  You know, how much we want to reveal and all.  I mean, obviously people know about us and they’re going to see us together, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.  I won’t talk about us in interviews if he’s not okay with it.”

“Of course, honey.  Don’t worry about it.  I was actually planning bringing it up with you two this afternoon after we’ve eaten and cleaned up some of this mess…” she said and motioned to the piles of swag strategically placed all over Josef’s beautiful dining room table.

I bit my lip and nodded, “Cool.  I think he’ll be fine with it… It’s just weird.  How did I turn into one of those people who have to announce to the public who she’s dating?  Why the hell does anyone care?”

Jules smiled and patted my hand with hers, “You wrote a best-selling novel that became an Oprah’s Book Club selection, a series of books that is going to be made into at least one movie, and you’re dating a superstar.”

I chuckled, “Well gee, when you put it like that… I am kind of amazing.”

“As you American’s like to say… You’re the shiznit.”

I laughed so hard I snorted, “Oh my god, don’t ever say that again.”

She giggled, “Promised.  Now get back to signing these books or I’m withholding my son and your lunch!  Maybe even your Vicodin too…”

“Evil, bitch!” I teased and resumed signing books.

She smiled and started packing up books that had already been signed, “That’s what you get when you steal my man…”