No puede ser.
This can't be true!
¿Dios mío por qué a mi?
I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. All the euphoria I was feeling was gone. Replaced by a cold, hollow feeling inside of me. I'd stopped touching him as soon as I heard her name, but he never stopped touching me.
His eyes were still closed, I had to make sure I wasn't imagining things. When I grabbed him again, I stroked faster and his breath was more labored. I was kissing his neck when I started whispering in his ear if he wanted me stop. He only shook his head. "Tell me you want me"
"Yes!" he could only grunt.
"Yes what?"
"I want you" My hand was moving faster, but so was his and I couldn't control my body from reacting. I kept whispering "Say my name!" until he answered me.
And when my body reached a climax, I shuddered because I felt colder. I was doing my hardest no to let the tears fall.
I wasn't Anna at that moment, I was a replacement. Like always, the second best.
I pushed away from him and stood up. I looked around me, but I couldn't find the drink I was craving. I turned my back to him, saw my reflection in the windows and took a deep breath. There I was, in a glamorous room, confident enough to be wearing only panties, with the man of my dreams ready to have sex with me while thinking of his wife, and I felt sick at how worthless I saw myself.
The Plan backfired on me, and I refused to act like myself, because that never got me anywhere in the first place. So what was left? I had no idea what to do or who to be!
When I saw him approach me, I was ready for his embrace. His little kisses did nothing to me.
"You should get dressed." That put a stop to his kisses. "In fact, get dressed and get out of my life again Howie."
He forcefully turned me around and I controlled my tears. "What are you talking about? ¿Qué te pasa?"
"I'm not doing anything else with you so I'm asking you to leave. I got what I deserved!"
"We're not finished and I'm not gonna let you escape again!"
That got a laugh out of me. It only made my resolution stronger.
"Oh I escaped! Really! Did you take a look at yourself? You have me naked in front of you, and I'm just that, a naked woman, because you only see Leigh! You're about to have sex with a woman, and you call out her name! Her fucking name Howie!" I was enjoying the shock in his face! "Does that surprises you? Imagine me, the love of my life is about to make love to me and he's not even thinking about me! It wasn't her whispering to you, it was me! But now I get your problem, Por fin lo entiendo! She doesn't love you like you love her! All these years I've been holding on to you, wanting you to love me, and you have the same problem with her. Am I right?"
I was getting angrier by the minute, I had so much to say, such an intense urge to fight! And his silence was driving me insane.
"Answer me for God's sake! No te quedes callado! You wanted to talk, well now we're talking! It's my fault I wasted part of my life on you, but it's your fault entirely shutting me out of your life the way you did!"
"Then why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?"
"Because I valued our friendship more!"
"You assumed I wouldn't want you. Now you're blaming me for loving someone else! If you had said something, I'd be with you instead of her!"
"I'm not your fucking replacement!" I couldn't stop the tears any longer, but I wasn't ashamed of the angry tears falling from my eyes. We were screaming at each other, but I wanted to hit him. So I turned and started gathering my clothes. Part of me was glad he started to do the same.
"You said you felt something for me, I really don’t understand the way you love Howie. But like I said, it’s my bad for falling for you, but you had no right to treat me like nothing! I didn’t deserve that!”
“And I don’t know how to make you understand that it wasn’t my fault that you kept quiet!”
Somehow, that insignificant comment made me snap. “You should have defended me!” I just started hitting him wherever I could until while he was trying to take a hold of my arms.
“Whenever she said something, when I couldn’t reach you, when she talked about me! Suéltame! Let me go!”
I looked at him while trying to get my breath back. I couldn’t believe I made scratches in his face.
“God I’m so disgusted at myself for holding on to you all this time, for nothing! Our friendship was over the minute you met her and I couldn’t accept it. I’m tired of this Howie, I have to move on and you have to let go of me.”
“¿Estás segura? You better be sure you want me gone Anna, because now I’m telling you, If this is the way you want it, you’ll stop existing for me!”
What was one more slap in the face? God, why did I never see this side of him? Rachel was so right about him? I felt naked in that instance because I didn’t recognize the man in front of me.
“So many moments I felt like a pathetic fool for not feeling worthy enough, and you were the pathetic one all along. Yes Howie, you were already out of my life so just don’t look for me.”
“Fine! You asked, I’ll do as you say, but don’t regret it later.”
“Oh, believe me, I won’t. Because now I have the satisfaction of knowing you’re living the same hell I lived, but actually, your hell is worse than mine, she’s your wife and she doesn’t even want to be that anymore! Good luck with that! I wish you many years of ‘blissfully perfect marriage’! Close the door as you leave Howie, not just the one made of wood.”
I’ll never forget my last image of Howie, rage in his eyes, red marks in his face, unbuttoned shirt and shoes in hand. When he simply turned around, I breathed again.
I had no idea I’d gotten so used to it until now that it was gone; I’d finally conquered the oppressing force that had been holding me down for so long.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I kinda couldn't stop the spanish from flowing out! lol!
Any questions, ask away!
And a huge thanks for all the reviews! You've been awesome readers!
Any questions, ask away!
And a huge thanks for all the reviews! You've been awesome readers!
