The stairs seemed longer to Nick as he made his way up to Baylee's bedroom. The hallway seemed darker. He knocked on Baylee's bedroom door, but there was no response from inside, so he called gently, "Bay? It's me... Uncle Nick."
The door jerked opened and Baylee stood there in front of him, looking up at him. "Hi," he said quietly.
"Hey Baylee," Nick replied. He lowered slowly so he was closer to Baylee's height. He wasn't sure what to say next. How are you seemed pointless, considering the red around the rim of Baylee's eyes. Nick forced a really tight, stright-line sort of smile and stared into Baylee's eyes. "I'm sure a whole bunch of grown-ups have said sorry to you already, you probably don't wanna hear it from me, too, huh?"
Baylee shook his head, his eyes filling up again. "Not really," he answered.
Nick took a deep breath. "Wanna play Monopoly?"
Baylee stared at Nick for a long moment. "Yeah I guess," he answered finally.
Nick followed Baylee into the bedroom and helped him set up the game board on the carpeted floor. Baylee took the thimble and told Nick he couldn't be the wheelbarrow, which Nick knew was because Leighanne was always the wheelbarrow, so he took the dog and they started playing.
An hour later, and they hadn't said much to each other, aside from what the game required. There was a crashing sound downstairs and shouting. Nick looked at Baylee. "Uncle Kevin's here, too," he said.
Baylee nodded. "Dad's been breaking stuff all morning anyways."
Nick moved the dog around Go and collected his $200. He paused. "You probably feel like breaking stuff, too, huh?" he asked.
Baylee shrugged.
"I wouldn't blame you," Nick said, "I felt like it when my grandparents died."
Baylee looked up at Nick, his eyebrow raised.
"I know it's not the same," Nick said, "But... I dunno, I liked my grandparents more than my real parents." He shrugged, "So maybe I can understand kind of a little bit what you're going through. Not really, obviously." Nick paused as Baylee moved his thimble and made yet another property purchase. As Nick watched him shuffle the money with the bank, he said, "Your dad loves you."
Baylee sighed. "I know. But... my mom was the one who tucked me in at night usually and she's the one who's been doing voices for the Harry Potter books. She's the one that makes me Mickey Mouse pancakes."
Nick frowned. "Your mom loved you a whole super lot if she made you Mickey Mouse pancakes, dude."
Baylee pushed the game board aside and crawled onto Nick's lap. Nick awkwardly wrapped his arms around the little guy. He tucked Baylee's head under his chin and took a deep breath. "Uncle Nick, I don't want her to go to away."
"I know," Nick answered him thickly, "Neither do I."
Kevin and Brian sat at the dining room table. A bottle of liquer sat in between them, and two short glasses. Brian had his in his hands and was staring down at it. Kevin leaned back in his chair and sloshed the amber liquid around. He stared at Brian. "You've got memories."
Brian nodded. A tear slid across his face and landed in the glass. He shoved it away, drawing a deep breath as he moved backwards in the chair and stared up at the ceiling fan. "Do I ever," he mumbled.
"That's more than many end up with," Kevin replied. "It's better to be a has been than a might have been..."
Brian sighed, "I didn't have enough time."
"I know," Kevin answered.
Brian looked at Kevin levelly and asked, "What'd I do?"
Kevin, who had been about to take a sip of the drink, paused, "Do?" he asked.
Brian nodded, "Yeah. To deserve this, I mean. We went to church, every damn Sunday, we were there, in the same place, the fourth pew. The only time we weren't was on tour... and we made a point to find a local church. Every week." He dragged the cup closer. "I prayed. I prayed like crazy when they were doing the surgery last night. I said every prayer I knew, I begged in every way I could think to word it. I even got on my knees at one point," he said. Brian took a sip of the alcohol.
Kevin shook his head, "It's not like that Brian, you know it doesn't work like that."
Brian swallowed the rest of the drink in one mouthful and slammed the glass onto the table. He reached for the bottle again and poured himself more. He looked at Kevin, his eyes watery. "Maybe it should."
"Maybe, but it doesn't," Kevin said. "You can't tell God what to do."
"I begged him to take me instead," Brian said.
Kevin frowned.
Brian swung back his drink. "I always thought I'd die first," he admitted. "I never thought about what I'd do if she died. I never thought about it, ever."
Kevin watched as Brian poured more alcohol. "Go easy on that, cuz," he mumbled.
"Easy?" Brian laughed. He stood up and threw the bottle across the room. It hit the cupboard doors and shattered. Glass and alcohol fell to the counter. Brian cursed. "My fucking wife is dead, Kev," he yelled, "Now isn't the time to play fucking alcohol Nazi."
Kevin frowned.
"Fuck you," Brian yelled to nobody in particular. He looked up at the ceiling. "Fuck you," he yelled again, "Why didn't you leave her alone?"
"I don't think cussing out God is really the right answer, Bri," Kevin murmured.
Brian looked at Kevin, and great big tears rolled across his cheeks and he whispered, "I don't know what else to say to him right now. He took my wife."
Baylee sat behind Brian, next to Nick at the funeral. Nick nudged him during a particularly long and boring prayer, and smiled reassuringly down at the wild-haired little boy. Baylee had grabbed Nick's hand. Nick took a deep breath and held onto Baylee's fingers as they turned forward again and the service carried on. He tried not to look at Brian's shaking shoulders, or down turned head. He tried to avoid the tear-filled gazes of other people. He'd promised himself he'd stay strong for Baylee.
"Uncle Nick," Baylee whispered after the service was over and people were milling about the church, coming forward to apologize to Brian for his loss.
Nick looked down at Baylee. "Do you believe in Heaven?"
Nick nodded slowly.
"Think my mom's there?" he asked.
"Most definitely," Nick replied.
Baylee and Nick were sitting under a tree a few feet away from the graveside service. Baylee had built a tiny teepee out of twigs and grass and Nick was picking grass aimlessly, splitting the thick pieces with his fingers. Nick looked around. "This is a nice cemetary," he commented.
Baylee looked around too. "It's a cemetary," he said.
Nick shrugged, "It's a good one, though. If you have to be in one. You know?"
Baylee glanced towards the grave side service. Brian was on his knees, his hands clutching his face. Kevin and Howie were knelt beside him, talking to him. Nick glanced back, too. "Are you sure you don't wanna be up there?" he asked.
Baylee nodded. "I don't wanna see them put her in the dirt," he answered.
Nick went back to picking grass.
"What happens to your body when you're dead?" Baylee asked.
Nick shrugged.
"Does your skin fall off?"
Nick thought about a decomposing bird he'd seen a couple days before at a park, which had been covered with flies. He'd been completely disgusted by it, yet -like most nasty things- had felt compelled to investigate it, too. His stomach turned at the thought of the sunken features and vacant expression it had worn. He didn't want to think of Leighanne the same way and he quickly shook the image out of his head. He stared at Baylee. "I don't know," he lied.
Baylee sighed and kicked his teepee down.
"Why'd she have to go to that stupid party anyways," he mumbled.
Nick drew a deep breath.
A week after the funeral, Brian made his way into the wide, brightly lit kitchen, and found Nick leaning on the counter, a glass of chocolate milk at his elbow, the milk out, a plastic container of Quik beside it, with dried powder residue spilled around. Nick looked up as Brian's eyes landed on the powder and grabbed the sponge from the sink, acting like he'd been about to pick up the mess anyways.
Brian looked around. "Where's Baylee?"
"Living room," Nick answered, "Watching Shrek."
Brian nodded and dropped into a chair at the kitchen table and let out a long, low breath.
Nick swiped aimlessly at the counter. He looked at Brian, hesitant. Brian buried his face in his arm on the table. "You okay?" Nick asked quietly. He stopped scrubbing and held the sponge awkwardly in front of him, pinching the corners in his fingers and spinning it.
"Yeah," Brian answered.
"Okay." Nick leaned against the counter. "Baylee seems..." he paused. Brian looked up. "He seems worried." Nick paused, and their eyes connected. "About you, I mean."
"Worried about me?"
Nick nodded. "Yeah. We talked a bit."
"Baylee talked," Brian said quietly. "To you."
Nick nodded.
Brian sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I guess he's at least talking to somebody."
Nick tossed the sponge into the sink and sat down at the table. He gave Brian the look. "Bri--"
"Don't Nick," Brian whispered.
"No hear me out," Nick said, he looked Brian in the eyes, "I'm trying really hard with Baylee, I'm trying to be cool Uncle Nick who gets it, you know. I'm trying to be his buddy and to make him feel like someone is looking out for him... But Brian..."
Brian's eyes were welling up.
Nick stopped. "Baylee needs you."
"I know."
