My fucking head hurts…haven’t drank that much in a long time…I’m not sure but I think Chelsea came home last night…I think I could have made it up.  I’m in bed, don’t wanna try walking down the stairs yet and she’s not in the bed beside me but I’m pretty sure she came home.  I wonder what she did with that bottle of Jack…could have been the Jack making me think she came home…some inner guilt trip.  Fuck me, what have I done.  Everything out the window…I think I’m on the verge of losing her, if I haven’t already.  Jesus Christ what if I’ve lost her, what if she didn’t come home, she’s still at Kevin’s putting things together for a divorce.  Maybe I should try to get downstairs…

AJ looked up when the door opened, his head felt like his brain weighed a hundred pounds and when his head stopped it began to pound.  He could hear his blood thumping through his head and he closed his eyes trying to push it away.  A small rattling sound was heard and his eyes opened as his sight went right to something white laying on his bed.  Picking up what he now realized was a bottle; he turned it over and read the label. 

“Advil.” He read in his mind. 

When he heard the bathroom door close he looked up, he stared for a moment and then looked back at the bottle.  Taking a deep breath he held it a minute and then exhaled knowing she was home.  The door opened again and he looked up, the same heaviness, the same throbbing returned but he was able to keep focus as he watched her walk out of the bathroom with a glass of water in her hand.  She walked up beside him and placed the glass onto the nightstand.  His wife then turned and walked around the bed.

“Chels…” AJ started to say.

“Take the Advil, there’s coffee downstairs, you have an AA meeting in an hour and that’s all I want to say right now.” She said as she walked across the room and out the door, closing it behind her.

And yet another person pushed to the edge by him and he told himself he wouldn’t do that too her.  Maybe her brothers were right maybe he really is the loser they say he is.  Opening the cap he dumped two gel caps into his hand and reached for the water on the table.  Dropping the pills into his mouth he put the glass to his lips and took a sip, swallowing and letting the water take the pills down his throat. Slowly he hung his legs over the bed and put his head in his hands as he let out a light sigh.

“How the hell could I let this happen?” AJ sighed as his head gently fell into his hands. “What the hell do I say to her?” He thought.  “You fucking douche, you fucked everything up.” AJ grunted as he slowly sat up straighter. 

Getting up off the bed AJ walked over to his dresser, pulled out jeans and a shirt and then headed into the bathroom for a shower.  Going through the motions he turned on the taps and ran the hot water for a bit, before getting in.  He let the water run down and his headache made it feel like the shower drops were pebbles lightly bouncing off his head.  His hand rested against the wall holding his body up as he leaned, his head rested on his shoulder as the water fell from his face.  This was the part he hated, the guilt.  The guilt of what he had done, messing up six years, the guilt of breaking his word about Chelsea and the guilt of how he hurt and even betrayed her. It wasn’t this bad before but now she knew what he was hiding for the past few months. Then it hit him another thing to be guilty about, Tim and Jerald, when they find out they will put her through hell.  With a grit of his teeth he shut the shower off and grabbed the towel from the outside glass door.  He stomped across the floor as he dropped his towel and aggressively put on his jeans.  Slumping down onto the bed he sighed as he tossed his shirt beside him.  His eyes caught the book that the T-shirt had half covered.  Picking it up he opened it to the page he was writing on reread his words as he picked up the pen.

…Ok, she’s still here, that’s good.  Maybe I haven’t fucked this thing up but fuck is she pissed, not that I could blame her.  I need a vacation, we need a vacation.  I got to pick myself up, I’ve got to get my shit together again, I gotta stop letting my Dad get to me…I gotta except the fact that my Father is the way he is and no matter how hard I try, I can’t change it because it’s not my problem to fix.  I can’t let him destroy what Chels and I have, I just can’t lose her…not again.

Setting the pen inside he closed the journal and opened the drawer to his nightstand.  He put the book away and then left the room, heading downstairs to the kitchen.  When he walked in he was a little disappointed to see she wasn’t there.  Walking over to the coffee machine he grabbed a mug and reached for the pot.  Pouring himself a large cup he carried it over and sat down at the island.

“Where should we go?” He thought as he took a careful sip from the freshly hot liquid.  “What if she doesn’t want to go, she’s really pissed.” AJ took another sip.  His eyes looked up when he heard footsteps walking down the hall, a couple of seconds later he saw her walk past; heading towards the living room.  She didn’t turn her head and look in to see if he was there.  Quickly he got up from the chair and flew into the hall stopping himself by grabbing onto edge of the wall.

“Chels?” He said catching her before she walked into the room.  She stopped at the door way and it took her a minute to look at him.

“Yeah?” She replied.

“I’m sorry.” He said and for a moment he thought that was all he could say. “Everything was going so good, it was amazing.  I worked hard to get sober, I was doing fine being sober, I thought I was doing so fucking good that someone up there sent you back to me and then it just all fell apart again.”  She was about to say something but he just kept talking. “And like usual it all started with my Dad, he does this Houdini act and it gets too me.  Gets me wondering if I’m good enough, what is so wrong with me that he has to do that to his son, and then it doesn’t matter what happens I always have to turn it into a mess.”  AJ took a breath and continued.  “Jive not going forward with my Solo, my Dad doesn’t have faith in me so why should they? I’m a fuck up, a screw up so who would put money on me.  Why should I be allowed to be a Father to someone when I can’t even take care of myself, how could I be a good Father if I never had one.”  He finally stopped for a moment and looked at her.  “I didn’t want this too happen, it just did, everything just spiraled I lost control and I’m sorry, god Chelsea I am so sorry.” He spoke as the tears finally broke from his eyes and rolled down his face.  She didn’t say anything but he knew her brain was doing something, he could see it in her eyes.  Then she took a step forward and then another one and before he knew it he was wrapped in her arms.

And then she whispered.  “I wish there was a way I could fill the hole he’s left in your heart.” He closed his eyes and pulled her tighter against him.

“Unfortunately I don’t think anyone could.” AJ said quietly.  “I need a vacation.” He sighed.

“I think you do too.” Chelsea replied back and then she pulled away.  “But first you have that meeting to go to.”

AJ took a deep breathe and then nodded.  “Ok”

Chelsea lightly smiled.  “It’s at the community club on Pico.”

“You’ll be here when I get back?” He asked not really sure if she was here to stay or not. Why would she be, he’s basically made an ass of her in front of her family.

“Of course.” She replied and the look on her face and the tone in her voice seemed a little surprised.  But he just lightly smiled, gently kissed her on the forehead and then said.  “I’ll see ya when I’m done then.”

“Ok” She replied and he turned back around and walked down the hall towards the front door. 

When he got to the front door he put on his shoes, grab his smokes, his keys and opened it but before he could step foot outside he was stopped by a tall figure standing in front of him.

“Where’re you going?” The all too familiar stern voice said.  AJ looked up at the dark haired man and knew instantly that Kevin knew what he had been up too.

“Going to AA.” AJ said a little embarrassed.

Kevin was the one who got him to get sober in the first place.  His mind flashed back to the night in the graveyard, him sitting on the ground it what was suppose to be Chelsea’s grave, drunk as a skunk and then came Kevin.  He remembered how his friend reacted and the guilt from earlier came back.

“Good” Kevin replied stepping aside.  “Chels up?”

“Yes I’m right here.” She replied as she walked up behind AJ.  He turned and looked at her.  “I’ll see you when you get back; I’ll have some ideas for us.” She replied with a light kiss.  AJ lightly smiled and the guilt rushed away.

“Later.” He replied with a light wave as he headed out the door.

When he walked up to the center’s door he stopped for a minute as he felt himself getting nervous.  Would someone recognize him, would they go to the media and tell them AJ was at an AA meeting, would they blab about the fact he fell off the wagon but then he remembered the confidentiality rule and hoped it would be enough to keep people quiet. Opening the door AJ walked into the building and looked for a sign to tell him where to go. 

He sat in the school like plastic chair and picked at his finger nails.  The woman running the meeting spoke about how alcoholism was a disease and that they shouldn’t feel guilt for picking up a drink.  She said the important thing was they were here and starting over again.

“Starting over…” He thought as the words echoed in his mind. 

“Would anyone like to stand up and tell us their story?” The woman asked and AJ took a deep breath.  Slowly he raised his hand and soon he felt about fifteen eyes on him.  “Yes.” The woman said with a light nod as AJ looked at her and she looked back at him. 

He stood up and took a deep breath.  “My name is Alex and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hello Alex.” Everyone replied in a stale tone.

“I have been sober for about 6 years until a few months ago.” He told them.  “It started out that I would just sit at the hotel bar for a while, then that wasn’t enough anymore, one night I went down to the bar just to sit but like I said it wasn’t enough anymore, so I ordered a beer and a shot glass.  I tried one shot, then two shots, then three shots and the next thing I knew the bottle was gone.  I hid it from my friends and my wife for almost few months.” Everyone stared at him and he wondered if any of them knew why he was sitting in hotel bars.  “Up until a couple of weeks ago it was just a drink here and there but then my wife started catching on and putting the pressure on me.  She would ask where I was going every time I went out and asked where I had been every time I came back. Each night I got drunker and drunker but I thought I kept it hidden and then the other night I forgot to cover up probably to drunk to remember to do so.  I came home and she could smell it on me, she could see I was drunk.  She walked out the door that night and I had thought I had lost her.  She is more important to me than some bottle of beer or glass of Jack, I’m tired of being this way and that’s why I’m here, to show her how much she means to me and to help me get back on the wagon.”  AJ then slowly sat down as others nodded and lightly clapped.

“Thank you Alex for your story.” The woman said.  He lightly smiled as the woman began talking about how no matter how long you’ve been sober you could always fall but the important thing was that you pick yourself up again and move on.