It was December 20th, 2011... three days after finally tying the knot with my soul mate. Right now, I should be in Bali with Rochelle, basking in the golden rays of the sun on the coast of Lovina. Instead, I found traveling through San Bernardino County, heading to the city of Barstow in search of a man I could honestly give two-shits about.
I sighed heavily as the cold December air frosted my windows… how I craved to puff on what Kevin has called cancer sticks to calm my nerves, but to fucking hell if I was about to roll down my windows and let this frigid air bite my ass. Instead, I’d smoke a cigarette once I reached my destination and the man I drove all this fucking way for… perhaps I’d blow of smoke right in his face. That inconsiderate bastard.
“Mom, I need his address.”
“Alex, for the last time I’m not going to give you his address. I’m trying to help you here sweetie, but you need to help yourself because you will find nothing traveling down that road.”
A released sigh, “I understand that Mom, but I’m a grown man now… I can handle this perfectly fine myself, I don’t need you to shield me away from it.”
“I give you the address and then what Alex? You push back your honeymoon just to drive all the way out there, and for what?”
“She understands and supports my decision, it’s something I need to do!”
A firm grasp on the face, “Why are you going to do this to yourself? For once in your life you’re truly happy and seemed to have moved on from it all. Let it be! This is your moment, not anybody else’s. Live it for YOU baby.”
Silence. “It’s not as easy as I thought it’d be… and I guess it never will be. I’m not that little kid that waits by the door anymore, holding on to his false promises Mom… I’m a man, and I have a voice that he will hear… he needs to hear. Please.”
Yeah, so I thought things would have changed. I should have known better. My hands gripped tightly to the wheel, my knuckles turning white as I slowly crept up towards an old, run-down apartment complex. I checked and double checked again to see if the address my mother had wrote down and the address I plugged into my GPS corresponded with one another. It did. I couldn’t believe it… how had he gone to this type of living?
Shaking my head, I pull into the graveled parking lot, my tinted out black Range Rover standing out like a sore thumb amongst the collection of aged and dilapidated vehicles. Once I killed the running engine, I simply sat there, staring out at the complex as the morning sun loomed above. Here I was, sitting outside of a ramshackled living quarters that seriously seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by desert grit, cypresses and fan palms.
I opened my car door and got out, immediately being greeted and embraced by the morning chilled air. Pushing my sunglasses further up the bridge of my nose, I closed the driver door and had opened the back passenger door, reaching in to grab a box off the back seat.
“Are you lost?”
I quickly whirled around at the sudden deep, booming voice, now facing an older man, who was dressed in Native American looking attire. “Um… I don’t believe so.” I replied as I closed my back door and pushed my car remote, locking my doors.
I stared at the man as he seemed to look my vehicle over, “You seem a long way from home is all."
Don’t I know it… I lightly scoffed, hoping he hadn’t heard me. “Yeah? Well, I came a long way if that means anything.” and with that, I walked away from the stranger, leaving him to marvel at my vehicle he seems to have never seen before.
I studied my surroundings as I walked up towards the building, finding older people to be seated right outside of their door, reveling in the cool air. Young children were running through the parking lot, playing a game of hide and seek and seeking refuge in their makeshift playground of old, abandoned cars and trailers. I walked up the flight of stairs to the third floor and was greeted by a toddler, who was wandering along the level in nothing but a soiled diaper that seemed to drag on the ground as he walked.
As I walked past him, I couldn’t help than to gaze down at the lonely child, as he looked up at me with his big, brown curious eyes, as if he were wondering one thing… are you my daddy? Shaking myself from my thoughts, I found myself standing outside the sixth door on this level; and behind this door would be the man I drove all the way out here to come and see.
Taking a deep breath in, I juggled the box in my left arm as I rose my right hand and began rapping on the door. I backed away, waiting for someone to open the door, but there was nothing. I attempted to knock again, three times to be exact, before I finally heard movement on the other side. My heart seemed to pound with every step I heard, and in that moment I wish that I had just decided to knock and leave the box by his door. But no… I had things I needed to say.
The door suddenly opened, revealing me to a man I struggled to recognize as my father. He stood there, weight loss evident and appeared a bit on the scruffy side, but not enough to blend in with the people that seemed to reside here. He was dressed in slacks and a simple white wife beater.
“Alex?” he rasped out in surprise. “Wha-what are you doing here, how did you find me?”
How I wish he didn’t call me that… only the people I loved and actually fucking cared about were allowed to call me by that name. But not him… never him. “I made mom give it to me… to come out here to find you.”
He glanced down and away… away from my piercing glares. “Come on in.” he offered as he pushed and held his door wider open for me to walk in. “Make yourself at home.” he added as he closed the door.
I scoffed… make myself at HOME?! I glazed his place over, his apartment seriously seemed to be the size of my bedroom. Posters and pictures of me still hung on his wall, the off-white colored paint cracked and peeling back from where the walls met the ceiling. An old AC churned noisily as it circulated heated air throughout the unit. His furnishings were simple, he didn’t even have a TV… all he had was a couch, a dining table, one dining chair and a small coffee table.
I watched as he bustled around a bit, trying to pick up and fix whatever was laying around, “Sorry, I would have cleaned up a bit earlier if I had known you were coming…” he dusted his couch a bit before he gestured for me to take a seat. “It’s not the best, but it’s all I ca-”
“I came over here to drop this off to you.” I quickly interrupted him as I held the box out for him to grab.
He fell and remained silent, staring between me and the box I was offering to him. Reluctantly, he reached out and grabbed the box, walking it over to his rickety dining table and placing it down. “What is it?” he asked softly as he began to open the box.
“It ain’t much, believe me.” I scorned as I stood there with my arms across my chest now.
I watched as he reached into the now open box and began to bring out it’s contents. “It‘s some favors and things from my wedding.” I answered before he could ask what the items were. “Just thought you’d like even more memorabilia to add to your shrine.”
He sighed heavily as he placed the favors back down into the box, “Alex, look.”
“Let me guess, ‘sorry I didn’t make it, something came up?’” I mocked in anger, “Sorry I couldn’t make it? I didn’t know how to get there? I thought your wedding was next week? Which lie is it gonna be this time Father?” I seethed.
“Alex, I…”
“Before I could even connect eyes with my wife who was walking down the aisle, I found myself looking the church over, fucking looking for you, only to find your assigned seat empty! It took a lot of strength in me to invite you to what will probably be the last most important thing in my life, and you’re still nothing but a no-show… you still manage to fuck up on that!”
He shook his head, “I wanted to be there, I really did and I tri-”
“You sit here and talk about how you want things to change between you and I… that you want to try and fix our relationship and try to start being there for me. And like a fucking idiot, I listened to you, yet again… not even caring about the fact that you wanted to be here for me now, when I’m a grown ass man making millions! I should have known, you don’t want your son back… you don’t want anything to do with me! You just want to get closer to who and what I’ve become.”
“Alex, you’ve got to believe me… I had som-”
“I used to believe you dad… when I was a kid, I did nothing but believe your promises and lies. But not anymore… I haven’t believed any word you’ve said, and I sure as hell wont’ start again now.” Angrily, I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a picture, flicking it towards him, “Meet your unborn grandson… that ultrasound picture is probably the closest you’ll ever get to him.”
I made my way towards the door, grasping the knob and opening the door. “Thought I’d be the one to tell you that I’m man enough to be a father to my son… be everything you never were to me.” I stared at him as he seemed to cradle and pet the ultrasound picture. “Maybe you can hang that up on your wall too.” and with that I left, slamming the door shut behind me.
