Chapter Twenty-Five
Operation Return of the Kevi began commencement the next day on the way to the airport, where we would board a plane headed for Vancouver. Day One belonged to Nick, who claimed he deserved Day One because Return of the Kevi was his idea and everything. "Besides," he bragged as we were shouldering our duffle bags, getting ready to climb off the bus and into the cab that was bringing us to the airport, "Days Two and onward will be no longer neccessary once I'm done with you."
I looked pleadingly at Howie and Brian, who seemed to have at least some resemblance of control over Nick and his hairbrained schemes, but they both shrugged. AJ slapped me on the back. "Good luck," he bade me, and the three of them took one cab while Nick and I took another.
As soon as the door closed, leaving Nick and I alone save the cabbie, who didn't seem even remotely interested in us, Nick turned to me with a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. "Okay. So." He cleared his throat, "I have a theory," he explained.
I took a deep breath, "I can't wait to hear this one," I said, attempting to mentally prepare myself for Nick's shot at reason.
"It's calld the Theory of Inherent Kevinness," he announced, looking quite proud of himself.
I stared at him. "Okay..." I said. I definitely had a feeling that I was gonna need more than the thirty-seconds I'd had so far to prepare for this. I mean, he named the theory and everything. "Explain."
"Okay, it's kinda like E=MC2," Nick explained.
"Einstein's theory of relativity?" I asked, confused.
"Yes, only completely different."
"Okay?"
"It's A+K=B-A."
I blinked at him. "What?"
"Yeah," he nodded, "Like algebra. Yanno? If you go and subtract A from K it equals B plus A or vice versa, yanno, you gotta do both at the same time to both sides or else it stops making sense."
"Kinda like you stopped making sense?"
"It's okay, I know it's hard to follow, that's why I'm the genius behind the theory and you're not."
My head literally hurt already. "Nick, it makes no sense. What you just said makes no sense."
"No listen, though, it does," he argued. "See you - Ben, so B - are K - Kevin, plus A, that is Alzheimers."
"Amnesia."
"There's too many A-words."
"Like asshole?" I asked, eyeing him.
"What?"
"Nothing, continue with the explanation," I said.
Nick looked quite pleased despite my dig, which I don't think he heard enough to get what I meant by it, and he said, "Basically, we just gotta subtract A from B and you'll be K."
"Uh huh." I squinted at him, trying to follow what he meant. "How is that even a little bit like E=MC2?"
"Because we subtract A and you'll be healed."
"Right. And how do we do that, Einstein?" I asked.
"By applying the Theory of Inherent Kevinness," he replied.
"Ah yes, the theory. Now you're Plato. So please, explain this theory."
"What's Mickey Mouse's dog got to do with it?"
"What?"
"Pluto?"
"Plato," I answered. "He was a philosopher."
"A shrink?"
"No that's a psychiatrist," I replied.
"I thought that was the people who could see the future?"
"Psychic."
Nick paused. "So wait, what about Mickey's dog?"
"Nick, god damn it, just explain the theory."
"Oh. Right, right. So we appeal to your innate Kevinness," he replied, "By creating a condition that would illicit a particular response from Kevin, we can create the same response in you, thereby triggering your inner Kevin-y thoughts and creating an environment in which you'll be more able to remember who you are inside your heart."
He sounded like a cross between Dr. Phil and a PBS After School Special.
"Okay, so what environment are you going to attempt to illicit a particular response from me in?" I asked.
"Well," Nick said, "See, I spent half the night last night thinking to myself -- self, I said, What was one thing that you could always count on about Kevin? And that's when it hit me -- like it was an anvil and I was Wiley E. Coyote."
"And what was that Nick?"
"The one thing that I could always count on about Kevin..." he said slowly, like he was unveiling the winning phrase on Wheel of Fortune, "...was that I always, always had the ability to piss him off." He grinned.
".....what?"
"Basically, I'm gonna spend the day pissing you off."
"Nick, that makes no fricking sense."
He grinned, "Ah, yes, but we're off to a good start.... aren't we, Kevin?" he winked, and grinned.
It was going to be a really... really long Day One.
By the time we landed in Vancouver, I was ready to kill him. So help me God if I'd been armed, I would've done it. I very seriously contemplated asking for a pen from one of the flight attendants just so I could reinact that scene from Grosse Point Blank. I would be John Cusack, he would be the dead guy with the pen in the neck.
I bolted for Howie and Brian and AJ in the airport, where they were standing by the baggage claim. I grabbed Brian and hugged him to me when I got to them. "Sane people. Thank you Jesus."
"Air," Brian croaked. I let him go.
Nick came trotting up. "Kevvvvvvvin," he whined, "You ditched me."
"I only did it for your own good," I said.
"God Nick, what the fuck did you do?" AJ demanded. "If he is Kevin he's gonna remain amnesic out of self-defense to keep the fuck away from you."
"Agnostic ,not amnesic, dumbass," Nick reprimanded him. He paused. "No wait you were right. Agnostic is the thing when you can't smell, right?"
"That's anosmic," Howie said.
"Wikipedia?" Nick asked.
"A brain," Howie answered.
"This is what I've put up with that whole flight. Except it came along in a package deal with this," I waved my finger in AJ's face and mimicked Nick, "I'm not touching you."
"Tough break," AJ said, swatting my hand away.
"What in the world good would that possibly do to jog his memory?" Brian demanded.
"A+K=B-A," Nick replied.
"What?" All three of the other guys chorused together. "Jinx," AJ and Howie said at the same time. They proceeded to argue over who said it first.
"The Theory of Inherent Kevinness!" Nick wailed.
"You have a theory?" Brian asked, looking concerned.
"Please," I said, "Don't ask him to explain it. You'll get a mirgraine."
Brian bit his lips to keep from laughing.
"He named his theory?" Kim cracked up. "Oh my God, they're like cartoon characters."
"I know, right?"
"I can't believe he named the theory."
"He thought Plato was Mickey Mouse's dog," I laughed.
Kim let out a whoop of delight, "Holy shit that's the best thing I've ever heard. Are you sure you're not making this up to amuse me?" she asked. I could literaly hear tears of laughter in her voice.
"Kim, I literally could not make this up," I replied.
"Oh my God," she wheezed, coming down off her bout of laughter. "Oh God, that's too good."
"I'm glad you're entertained at least."
"Oh please, like you aren't laughing at it now that it's over. I mean how old is he? And he was doing the I'm not touching you thing?"
"Thirty something, I dunno. Thirty-four, I wanna say."
"God. Please, next time Nick Carter comes to you with a theory, for the love of all things holy, please tell him to hold that thought and get a video camera. That shit would go viral on YouTube. I'm serious."
After Self by Pengi
