Chapter Thirty
Howie's plan for Return of the Kevi was much less complex than the other guys. When they all went off to get lunch and explore, he and I stayed on the bus and fired up Nick's gaming system, surrounded ourselves with Chinese food take out containers, and settled down to take our megapixel bazookas to a herd of Nazi zombies. Neither one of us was particularly good at the game - the controller felt like it had too many buttons for me to keep track of which one did what. I think our best game lasted ten minutes tops before we were both slaughtered mercilessly by zombies.
"We suck," I laughed.
Howie laughed too. "Nick's really good at this stuff, I've never understood it, I figured that it would be fun to try."
I grabbed the box of chicken fingers and twirled one around in a little plastic cup of sweet and sour sauce. "So far I've learned that Brian's my cousin, AJ and I have bonding issues but that doesn't keep him from being clingy as hell, and Nick tends to piss me off. How do you and I relate?"
Howie shrugged, "We're the cool ones."
"Yeah?"
He nodded, "We're way cooler than Nick, for example."
"That's not hard."
Howie smirked. "We kinda have the experience thing, you know? You've been in like every kind of production possible and I'm a businessman myself..." he shrugged, "We're the grown ups."
"Got it." I popped the chicken finger in my mouth, chewed it slowly, then swallowed, gesturing at the TV screen, "Which is why we're playing Call of Duty?"
"Everyone's gotta be a kid sometime," Howie answered.
"So what kind of business do you do?" I asked.
"I own a couple clubs," he answered, "Housing developments, the like." Howie shoved a mouthful of pork fried rice into his mouth. "You actually got me going on it to be honest, you helped me out picking out my first place I owned. I think you were trying to set me up with the realtor..." he smirked, "Which thanks for that by the way."
"Was she a hag?"
"She's my wife," Howie replied, laughing.
"Sorry," I laughed, too.
He ate more rice. "You were always big on responsibility, you know? You liked knowing you had security so you promoted the idea of savings accounts and investments with us guys. Nick and AJ always drove you mental because neither of them were interested in that and Brian, well, Brian did it but grudgingly because he'd rather have fun, you know? But I listened so I kind of became your business partner in a way, I mean we did a lot of the business stuff when it came to BSB, we were the ones who thought ahead after Lou to read contracts thoroughly, etc."
"Lou?"
"Long ass story that I'll spare you right now," Howie answered.
I leaned back and took a deep breath. The screen was flashing the words Game Over at us. "So," I said, "Since you seem to be the one of the four of you with your head screwed on the best... Do you think I'm Kevin?"
Howie shrugged, "It's hard to say," he said, "I mean, we really have no way of telling until you remember something."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I think the guys are putting too much stock in the idea, though," he added. "Do you think you're Kevin?"
"I don't know," I replied.
Howie ran his hands over his knees as he thought for a long moment. "Do you want to be Kevin?"
The words were weird, yet they were a question I'd been asking myself for a few days now. Did I want for the fellas to be right? Did I want this life that I'd lost? I wasn't sure, to be honest. I mean it'd be really cool to find out that I was some awesome pop star and had millions of dollars and these great friends surrounding me, but it scared me that I could forget all of this great stuff so easily and completely. It scared me that I had a son and a wife and that even having seen them and spoken to her that I still didn't remember them on my own. It scared me that I could be so surrounded by my past that I still couldn't remember it. How completely was my memory erased?
"If I don't," I replied after a long pause, "It's not because of you guys."
Howie nodded. "After the stuff Nick and AJ have done to you I wouldn't blame you if it was," he joked.
"There's this girl," I said slowly, "Back in Atlanta."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." I paused. "If you guys are right and I'm Kevin, then I'm married." I bit my lips. "I don't want to break her heart. I know if I remember I'll be in love with Kristin again, but I don't want to break Kim's heart. I feel like scum for not remembering my own wife and wanting some girl from a coffee shop but... well, Kim isn't really just some girl, either, she's amazing."
"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes," he said.
"I don't even wanna be in my shoes," I answered.
"You gave me some advice once," Howie said, "And I'm gonna give it back to you, okay? You gotta follow your heart, no matter what, even if it doesn't make sense to anybody else in the whole world because your heart's gonna lead you exactly where you need to go."
"Thanks D," I said.
Howie smiled, "No problem."
I remembered the next night in Houston that I was supposed to ask for tickets to the show in Atlanta for Kim, Marty, and Mr. Wilder plus one. The guys were on stage and I was watching from the wings with Jenn and Rick and the other stagehands when I remembered and I turned to Jenn. "I have a favor to ask of you," I shouted.
"What's up?" she called back.
"Anyway I could score some tickets to Atlanta's show? I have some -er- family in the area and I'd really like them to check it out," I explained.
Jenn smirked, "For you, K-dawg, anything."
"The fellas told you about that?"
"Course they did," she answered, "They tell me everything."
"Of course they do."
"I think they're nuts," she added. "Actually I knew they were nuts long before this but I think they're extra nuts." Jenn paused, "Don't you think they're nuts?"
"I think I'm the nuts one," I answered.
"I already know you're nuts too." She smirked.
That night when I talked to Kim, she seemed distant yet again. "What's wrong?" I asked, "Break another coffee stein?"
"No," she answered with a heavy sigh, "It's nothing. I guess. I don't know, I think it's nothing."
"Well what is it and I'll help you out," I answered. The other end of the line got still for a moment. I paused. "Kim? You still there?"
"Yeah I'm here," she answered.
I sighed, "What's wrong?"
The silence at the other end of the phone line was so thick it could've been cut with a knife. After a long moment that was filled with that thickness, Kim's voice echoed through the line, her voice vibrating slightly. "When were you going to tell me about her?"
"About who?"
"Your wife?" Kim asked.
My mouth went dry. "Kevin's wife. It hasnt' been proven that I'm Kevin yet though."
Kim's voice cracked, "But if you are then you're married," she said, "And you didn't even mention it to me."
"Honestly, it just really sank in a couple days ago," I replied. "I mean I knew but it didn't really get home in my brain until the other day and I had a complete meltdown over it, trying to picture telling you, trying to decide how and when and --"
"I'm a selfish bitch."
"What?" I asked, taken off guard.
"Me," she said, her voice warbling dangerously close to tearfully, "I'm a selfish bitch."
"How the hell can you say that?" I demanded, "Don't say that."
"It's true though, Stock Boy," Kim stammered out the words, "Because I don't want you to remember," she explained, "Because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose you."
"Aw Waitress, c'mon now..."
"No its true. If you're him, you've got her and you've got a kid and you've got a life and a world that has nothing to do with me."
I stared at my feet. There was really nothing I could say to argue the words. I was standing outside the tour bus, pacing the length of it, the stars overhead in the black sky like pin pricks. The cellphone was hot against my ear, and I had no clue what to say to her. There was nothing. I didn't want to agree and there was no way to disagree. The point just hung there between us, heavy and ominous.
"I love you," Kim choked the words out, "I love you and I want to keep loving you, so I keep praying to God you aren't him, that there's nobody in your life, that I'll get to keep you forever." I heard her pull the phone back as she swiped tears from her eyes and I felt guilty. "It's so selfish, I know but it's how I feel."
"I love you too," I said, "And that doesn't change just because I remember or don't remember who I am."
Kim sighed. "I don't want to say this," she said slowly, "What I'm about to say."
"Then don't," I said, my heart tightening and my stomach dropping like lead in my stomach.
"I have to," she said, "Because it's not fair to either of us to limit you..." she paused.
"Kim..."
"I don't think we should be together," she said slowly, the words forced from her mouth, "I don't think we should love each other anymore."
"I can't just unlove you," I said.
"It's not safe," she said, "It's not safe and it's not fair. You could belong to someone, I could end up hurt so badly from this. I mean you're the perfect guy; you're funny, you're sexy, you're sweet..."
"Please," I whispered.
"I'm sorry," she said, "But I just think until you remember and we know that it's for the best."
"But --"
"I don't think that I could survive losing you if I keep you much longer. It's already going to be like a nuclear holocaust, losing you. Like losing air. Losing sanity." Kim paused, "I need to go."
"Don't go."
"I gotta go, Stock Boy," she said. "Good night."
When the line went dead, I turned around and punched the side of the bus with every ounce of strength I had.
After Self by Pengi
