Chapter Thirty-One
The fellas were all still up when I got back on the bus. Nick was sitting on the floor with a spoon hanging out of his mouth, a bowl of ice cream on his lap as he played the zombie game. Howie was looking over his shouler at the buttons he was hitting on the game paddle while AJ and Brian were staring down at a checker board on the coffee table, Brian biting his tongue as he thought and AJ examining his fingernails for chips.
"I need your guys help," I announced.
AJ, Brian, and Howie looked up. Nick muttered around the spoon, "Und midnud." Howie kicked him and Nick dropped the paddle, splashing it into the bowl of ice cream, and before he could fish it out and regain control, the game had flashed Game Over as the zombie he'd been about to mutilate grabbed hold of his game character. He spit out the spoon, "You ass," he snapped, looking up. Seeing the other three guys looking at me, he turned to me, "Sorry," he said.
"I need your help," I repeated.
"Sure Kev," AJ offered, "What's up?"
"We need to figure this out," I said, "We need to make sure I'm Kevin. We need to find out who I am. I don't care what it takes, I don't care if I remember. I just want to know. I need to know. I have to know or I'm gonna lose Kim."
"Kim?" Nick asked, "Who the hell is Kim? Is she hot?"
"Not the point," I answered.
"You told her about Kristin?" Howie asked, being the only one up to date on my dilemma.
I took a deep breath, "She found out on her own before I could and she broke up with me because its not safe in case I remember and you're right and I am Kevin and I am married..."
"But you are Kevin, we already figured out it works," Nick argued.
"I need to know," I said, "For certain. Because if I'm not Kevin, and I'm not married, then I need to know so I can get Kim back because... I love her."
Brian nodded, "Okay, so what do we do."
"I dunno," I answered, "Something, anything. We need to look up like news stories and stuff and - and - I don't know." I felt so helpless because here I was desperate to know the truth about myself with absolutely nothing to go by. The fellas were gonna help out but there was still a certain degree of impossibility about the game. Without my memory, there was too many variables.
"Okay, so let's get the internet fired up and see what we find," Brian said, his voice resolute.
Nick looked confused, "But what're we gonna look for? I mean its not like we can log onto Ask.com and get answers about this, yanno?"
"Missing persons," AJ suggested, "Newspapers. Something's gotta be somewhere."
The fellas all went for their computers to begin searching. Howie put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "We're gonna help you every way we can," he said, "Whether you're Kevin or not, you're our friend. Ok?"
"Thanks Howie," I answered.
Eight hours later, we had nothing. Nick had fallen asleep, AJ's eyes were glassed over as he scanned through missing persons lists, Brian had searched through newspapers in Atlanta and Los Angeles, and Howie had scoured forums for people searching for long lost family members. Nothing, other than things we already knew, had come up. I felt like a gutted fish. I dropped onto the couch beside Howie. I'd been going from one to the next of them in a rotation all night, looking over their shoulders at the progress - or lack thereof. We were all red-eyed and exhausted.
AJ was the one who broke the intensity in the room. "If I fucking see one more missing person list..." he sat back and closed the lid of his computer. "It's depressing shit. You know half of them are dead and the other half don't want to be found."
"Its amazing how many people post looking for half brothers and sisters," Howie agreed.
Brian sighed, "It's worse than looking for a needle in a haystack. It's like looking for an unnamed object in several haystacks. We don't even know if it's a needle." He rubbed the back of his head. "G'Lord," he groaned.
"Thanks anyways guys," I muttered.
"I need coffee," Brian said.
"I need bed," Howie said.
AJ pulled his cigarette pack out of his pocket and headed for the door without saying a word. We all knew he'd been thinking it anyways.
"I'll go for coffee with you, Bri," I said, "You can go to bed, Howie."
"I plan to." Howie stood up, being careful not to step on Nick, and headed for the bunks.
"Next stop, Starbucks?" Brian suggested. I nodded and we climbed off the bus. AJ was standing outside. "You want coffee?" Brian asked.
AJ shook his head, "I'm gonna hit the sack after this." He flicked ashes off the end of his cigarette. Brian called a cab. AJ looked at me. "I'm sorry we didn't figure it out."
"It's okay, I guess I didn't really think we would all in one night," I said. Although I had. I'd had grand visions of looking and one of us finding it, finding the key that solved the mystery of who I was once and for all. I'd pictured calling Kim and telling her and her being thrilled and mine again.
We stood there talking, analyzing what we didn't find, waiting for mine and Brian's ride to Starbucks to arrive, when Jenn came jogging across the lot in the early morning light, hugging a sweatshirt around her chest.
"What're you Boys up to this early?" she asked.
"Long night, need coffee," Brian replied in a robotic voice.
Jenn laughed, "Monopoly championship revisited?"
"Nawh," AJ answered, "Researching this guy." AJ thumbed at me.
"Researching him?"
"Trying to find proof of who he is for certain, Kevin or not, you know," Brian explained.
"Aha." Jenn nodded. "Did you try newspapers?"
"All night," Brian replied.
"And missing persons," AJ added.
Jenn thought for a moment. "What about Kevin's mom?"
Brian looked up. "Aunt Ann?" he thought a moment. "Shit I never thought of that. Aunt Ann should be able to tell right? I mean..."
Brian kept talking, babbling about Moms and sons and their connections, but even as he was speaking, something was stirring in me. My mom, I thought to myself. What was it about a mom that was striking inside me? I closed my eyes and thought hard, focusing on the words. My palms were damp. Why?
"Yoo hoo? Ben?" Jenn clicked her fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Ben?"
"Sorry," I said, snapping to attention.
"There you are," Jenn laughed. "Ben, I got your tickets. That's why I came out when I saw you guys over here." She handed me a small envelope. I opened it and inside were the four tickets I'd requested. Third row from the stage no less.
"Thanks," I said.
"No problem."
The three of us watched as Jenn jogged back across the lot. AJ flicked the last of his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. "Well, hate to smoke and run but bed is calling me." He saluted. "Enjoy the caffeine ya freaks." He disappeared onto the bus.
"So who are you inviting?" Brian asked, gesturing to the tickets once we were alone.
"Friends from the grocery store I work at in Atlanta," I replied, "Well one was for Kim, too, but I don't think she'll come now." I stared at the tickets.
Brian sighed, "We're gonna figure this out, buddy. Don't worry."
I called the grocery store when it opened to tell Mr. Wilder and Marty about the tickets to the show. Mr. Wilder thanked me profusively and asked how everything was going on the tour, so I told him about the stuff I'd done working for the Boys, and kind of left out the whole Kevin controversy. I didn't feel like explaining it. Mr. Wilder promised he'd be there with his wife and hoped we could get together beforehand and I said we could. "Did you want to tell Marty yourself?" he asked, "She's in."
"Sure," I replied.
Some music played while I waited on hold for Marty to pick up. After a long pause, the line clicked. "Deli, Marty speaking, how can I help you?"
"Hey Marty," I greeted her, "It's Ben."
"Hey Ben," Marty answered, "How's the tour?"
"Alot of fun," I answered, because over all it had been so far.
"Are the guys awesome?" she asked.
"They're great," I replied, "We're good friends."
Marty sighed, "God I'm jealous."
I laughed, "Well don't be too jealous because I'm holding your ticket in my hand and I'm told by Brian you're welcome backstage."
Marty sputtered with excitement, "You're kidding me. You're kidding me. You really did it."
"I really did it."
"Sweet Lord almighty, I can't believe it," she gushed.
"I couldn't forget my favorite coworker," I said.
Marty laughed. "It certainly has been quiet around here without you entertaining me in the breakroom," she said.
"I miss our chats." And it was true, I did. I hadn't realized how much so until I'd said it, but I really did miss Marty. And Mr. Wilder too, of course, but especially Marty.
"I'm almost as excited to see you as I am to see the Boys," Marty said with a chuckle. "I must stress the almost though," she teased.
"Eh it's okay, I expected the almost. After all, you knew I was coming back," I said.
Marty's voice was surprisingly solemn, "Not everyone who goes away comes back," she said.
"True," I replied, even though I wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about.
"In fact, in my experience," she explained, "When people go to California they don't come back." She laughed, lightening the moment, "Must be too damn nice out there to want to, 'ey?"
"I'm sorry," I replied, "But I'm coming back. It wasn't that nice out there," I teased.
"Too hot," Marty agreed, "And too many half-naked ugly people. It amazes me the body shapes people think can wear bikinis and speedos that really shouldn't."
"Too true," I laughed. "So you wanna know where you're sitting at the show?"
"Of course."
"Third row, center," I announced.
"Shit," she breathed, "Ain't no way I won't be able to see. God damn. You need to keep this job if for nothing else but to keep me in my supply of great Backstreet seats."
I laughed. If she only knew that I was possibly one of them, I couldn't even begin to imagine what she'd have to say to that. "Well," I said, "I just may be getting a promotion here."
After Self by Pengi
