Chapter Thirty-Three
The piano arrived to the venue in New Orleans right about the same time that we did. Brian was practically giddy as he dragged me into the venue. The piano was white and the paint gleamed under the stage lights, giving it a pearly glow. It was beautiful - truly that's the only word for it. I climbed the stairs up to the stage behind Brian, approaching it the way a nature photographer might approach an endagered species of animal. I sat down and stared at the piano's keys, my fingers tingling, dying to make her sing. "Wow," I whispered.
"Think you can play it?" Brian asked.
"Think I can?" I nodded, "Christ I don't know if I'm worthy to."
Cautiously, I rested my fingers on the ivories and pressed down. The ringing note that resulted filled the venue in every corner as it resounded from every speaker in the house. A chill went down my spine. I took a deep breath and sank into playing music. My mind wandered, tripping over the notes and the past few days as my fingers moved across the keys. I thought of Kim, and of Brian, Howie, AJ, and Nick. I thought of Ann Richardson and Kristin and Mason. I thought of the bus stop in Los Angeles and the grocery store in Atlanta. I thought about Marty, and I thought about the piano and my fingers placement on the keys...
I felt like I was on the cusp of remembering. I opened my eyes and looked around... but nothing was there to remind me, to help bring forth the memories, and I sighed and stopped playing.
"What's wrong?" Brian asked.
"Nothing," I said, "I just... I could feel it, I could feel memories coming... but when I opened my eyes there wasn't anything that helped to make me remember and it faded away. It was so close, it was like seeing the destination but not quite being there."
"What were you thinking of just before you started to remember?"
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. I couldn't recall the last thoughts I'd had before I'd realized I was close to remembering.
The rest of the day, my brain felt like there was a roulette wheel in there, spinning over keywords, and I was just waiting for the wheel to stop on one of them to give me my memories back. California, freedom, piano, Kevin, Ann, Kristin, Kim, Mason, Marty, November, wallet, bus stop...California, freedom, piano, Kevin, Anne, Kristin, Kim, Mason, Marty, November, wallet, bus stop...
It was thoroughly distracting. I couldn't focus on anything. I wandered around helping out with the equipment backstage for Rick but my brain was ceaselessly spinning without landing on a single idea. I kept waiting for the moment when my memory would flood into me - I imagined it knocking me over from the sheer force or something. I made sure I stayed on the ground in interest of that possibility. I mean it would just suck if I was up in the rafters doing a light and bam my memory comes back and I flip off the side of the rafter and die. Totally something that would happen to me, though.
I tried calling Kim three times over the six hours between the arrival of the piano and the start of the show. I wanted so bad to ask her if she'd consider coming the next night in Atlanta - after all, I had the ticket for her - but she wasn't answering her phone. I left a couple desperate messages on her answering machine, but no reply came. I stood, moping ever so slightly, and watched the show from the sidelines like I always did. But for the first time, my eyes wandered away from the Boys to the expectant, excited faces that peered out from the dark rows in front of the stage. I imagined walking out, sitting down, and playing them the closest thing I had to a memory and I nearly felt sick.
"You okay?" Jenn asked, elbowing me somewhere in the rib region (she was so short it was hard to really call it the ribs specifically).
"Yeah," I answered, "Sure."
"You look petrified."
"I'm just picturing going out there and playing for them."
"Well you'll have family in the crowd," she said in an encouraging voice.
I thought of Marty.
"Brian told you Ann's coming right?" Jenn continued.
"Oh. Ann, right yes... Yes, Brian told me."
"So see? Family." Jenn smiled.
I sighed and folded my arms over my chest. "Do you really think I'm him?" I asked, glancing at her after a long moment.
Jenn shrugged, "I haven't seen Nick so cheerful in a while so honestly it doesn't really matter to me if you are or aren't, I just don't want to see Nick fall apart again."
I watched Nick bounce across the stage, one hand on his headpiece microphone, the other grabbing his crotch. "Well he adjusts well anyways," I joked.
Jenn laughed, "Nick's a good kid."
"How old are you exactly?" I asked, laughing, "You don't look old enough to call anyone a kid."
"Really. Asking a woman her age. Crazy man."
I laughed, "Consider it a compliment."
After the show was over, I frantically checked my messages on my phone, but there was still nothing. I left one last super-desperate sounding message on Kim's phone and shoved it in my pocket, frustrated. "Damn it," I muttered to myself. I paced a little bit.
Nick came out the back door of the venue, a teddy bear tucked under his arm upside down. He smiled when he saw me and jogged over. "Bri says you're gonna go on stage with us tomorrow," he said excitedly.
"I'm playing a piece on the piano."
"Still on stage," he answered. He stood there awkwardly, the bear mooning me from his elbow, its face stuffed in his arm pit. I did not envy that Teddy. "Are you excited?"
"Scared shitless is more the term," I answered.
Nick laughed, "Please, Kev you've never been stage fright in all your life."
"Hey Nick?" I said, changing the topic, "Can ya do me a favor?"
He nodded, "Sure, what's that?"
"Make me a promise?"
"Okay. What kinda promise?"
"If I'm not Kevin for some reason, like I remember at some point and it turns out I'm not him... Just remember that first of all, everything you've said to me - he's been able to hear it; second, he's with you always in your heart; and third, even though you annoy the hell out of me, you're still my friend and I love ya like a brother, okay?"
Nick was staring at his sneakers the whole time I was talking. He looked up, a deer-in-headlights kind of look on his face. "What do you mean? Are you saying you aren't Kevin?"
"I'm saying just in case, okay? I haven't remembered anything and maybe I never will but..." I shrugged. "I just want you to know that. Okay? Promise you won't forget that?"
He nodded, his eyes looking a little glossy, and he looked away.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer."
"Denny Downer. You're a dude." Nick snuffled and wiped his nose with his arm.
"Denny Downer, then."
"I know you don't." He sighed. "Can you make me a promise?"
It only seemed fair, so I said, "Sure, name it buddy."
Nick's eyes met mine. "Can you tell me first?"
"What?"
"When or if you remember and you aren't him... can you tell me first? I want to hear it from you, not from Howie or Brian. Okay? Please?"
I nodded, "I will. I promise. I'll tell you first either way, how's that?"
Nick smiled, "Even better."
After Self by Pengi
