Last night was, without a doubt, the second worst night of my life, ever. I thought back about what happened, almost 19 hours ago, and I still couldn’t believe what happened. In my mind I could still   hear and feel the loud bang of the front door slamming into its lock. Without being aware of it the tears rolled over my cheeks. My eyes were sore of all the crying and I felt so f*cked up. Mandy and I were supposed to pick out a wedding cake, today. But yesterday she, without warning, blurted out that she wanted to call of the wedding. She told me she had her doubts from the first moment I proposed to her and that, even though she loved me with all she had in her, she just couldn’t marry me. I was in complete shock. I don’t remember saying anything to her at that moment. I was speechless. She left her engagement ring on the dining room table and screamed at me. Exactly this reaction was the cause of all her issues. Me having difficulties with arguments and fights made her feel lonely in our relationship. And add up all the touring with the Backstreetboys, my difficulties with substance abuse and all my unsolved issues, the last thing on her mind was becoming Mrs. AJ McLean.  She grabbed her purse and her car keys and she ran out the door. BANG, the front door slammed in its lock. At that point, literally, my first thought was that I was on Pranked. It soon became clear to me that Mandy wasn’t coming back. It came in like a shock. I felt sedated with pain. My first need at that point was alcohol. I craved for it. This wasn’t something I could do without the rush of alcohol. I had to relieve that pain. Like a maniac I searched the house for a bottle of liquor and I went absolutely crazy when I couldn’t find one. I panicked. ..

I was on my way to the car to go the nearest 24 / 7 - open liquor store when my mom arrived at the drive way. She quickly got out of the car and rushed up to me. At that moment I collapsed in the middle of the drive way. The little white stones bashed in me as I fell on my knees. My mom, Denise, kneeled down to my level and wrapped her arms around me. She held me real tight while I broke down in her arms. “Shhht, sweetie, come on let’ go inside” she whispered and kissed my forehead.   She took me back inside the house. She stayed with me all night to make sure I was ok. I was really happy that she was there. The one person I could always depend on. The one I could be myself with. For her I was Alex, her son. Not AJ the all time performer. She knew me for who I really was. Her being with me, that night, prevented me for falling back in a relapse. She held me all night while I cried my eyes out. I didn’t  new a person could feel so much despair.

Of course, my relationship with Mandy was far from perfect. She had her issues and, as you all know, so did I. The next day, she explained me in an e-mail why exactly she had left me. It broke my heart when I read it. All the things she mentioned where so true. But because they were true it had hurt me even more. Her e-mail had cut me like a knife in my soul. My mom stayed with me for a couple of days. Just to make sure that I didn’t had to be all alone suffering my feelings. She made sure I had all the love, support and healthy food I needed.  She took care of me. Forcing me to get up in the morning and open the curtains. She made sure I got fresh air and that I spoke to her about my feelings. I went through hell and back but I made it without using alcohol or drugs. To you it might sound like no big deal but, especially given the circumstances, for me this was a huge step forward in my battle against substance abuse. This was my first real life challenge after I’d came out rehab.  This is what they tried to teach us in rehab. That life wasn’t always as easy as you thought it was. There were moments when the sun shined and moments when it the rain was pouring in your life. I guess this was a pouring rain moment in my life. But mom was so proud of me for staying sober. I could see it in her eyes. And that made hold on to sobriety. This was my new goal in life. To stay sober.  Mom told me that Mandy had called her after she’d left. She was worried and didn’t want me to be alone. Even though I was really hurt by her I had to admit that I was grateful for warning my mom.

I called my therapist and she advised me to write down my feelings. It was no use of running away from them. It wasn’t possible. So the best thing was, when I felt I was ready, to face my feelings.  The only thing was that I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. Because, of course, I was still in pain. I still cried a couple times a day and honestly I felt lost. Of course I did. I’d loved Mandy like I never loved anyone in my life before. I felt like all the happiness was taken away by her leaving me. It was like the sun would never shine again for me.

After four days I convinced my mom that I was ready for staying home by myself, that night. It had to happen anyway. And, in my opinion, it was probably the best if I got used to it as soon as I could. By this time Brian, Howie, Nick and Kevin where informed about the break up and they felt sorry for me. I got on the phone with Brian and he honestly told me that he wasn’t surprised that it happened. He told me that he’d seen the signs on which he could tell things weren’t going as well as we wanted people to think. So I told him everything. About her being impatient with me. About our fights and the screaming all the time. About the times that I needed her and that she wasn’t there. About the times that she was on the phone, talking softly and sneaky to her friends. It was obvious that she didn’t want me to hear it. I felt so alone at these moments. Brian was a real good and honest friend to me. “Listen bro’, If there’s anything we can do to help you or if you need support, or someone to talk to, call me ok” Brian said. “Thanks man” I grasped into the phone. I heard Leighanne talking in the background. “Oh, yeah sure” Brian said to her. “Listen, do you feel like staying over this weekend? Leighanne is planning on making my favorite dish and she always cooks way too much for us to eat ” he asked. I heard Bayleigh yelling in the back ground “Uncle AJ, You have to come”. I smiled. Maybe it was a good idea being in another environment for a couple of days. Clear my mind a little.       

That night my mom went home. It was scary, being all alone in my home for the first night without her or Mandy around. The thought of getting a bottle of liquor, or some pills, crossed my mind several times. But I had to stick true. I promised myself and my mother. After an hour or so I walked through the house and took away all the pictures of us.

After that I took my guitar and played. I played all that came up in my head. And suddenly I had an idea for a song. The words came up rapidly and wrote them down.

AJ McLean – I hate it when you’re gone

I hate it when I come home
And you're already asleep
I hate it when you throw things out
Without talking to me
I hate it how you've come to expect that I’ll let you down
I hate the way you seem to always make us late
you pick a fight and I take the bait
I hate the way you keep it so cold in this room
I hate how you steal the covers
I hate how you fight with your mother
But more than your favorite song
I hate it when you're gone
yeah, I hate it when you're gone

I hate it when I ask if I’m the best that you’ve had
You answer too slow and then turn your back
I hate it when you compare me to others that came before
I hate the way you whisper to your friends on the phone
the way you can make me feel so alone
I hate it when I feel like you're trying to hard
I hate when you're lost in the TV and
I need you and you barely see me

But more than admitting I’m wrong
I hate it when you're gone
said I hate it when you're gone


it's always, it's never
you roll your eyes and say whatever
I just go along, I just go along
I hate just how much I adore you
I hate that I can’t be there for you
And more than admitting I’m wrong
I hate it when I see you crying
you say you're okay, but you're lying
And more than the dark hates the dawn
I hate it when you're gone
and I hate it when you're gone