"It 's really a great exhibit. Well done. Congratulations." 

A handshake, a smile. It had gone on like that all morning, faces of strangers that overlapped with each other, along with a flood of expressions of congratulations that didn’t warmed him up. Nick knew that he should feel satisfied; he should feel his chest swelling with pride because the exhibition, the same one that had sweated and worked hard for weeks and weeks, was a success. But what was the point of all that ecstasy if there wasn’t anyone to share with? 

He had imagined that moment in a completely different way. He had imagined of turning around, still watching people coming and, suddenly, among all those unknown faces, there would be Brian. Brian would look at him with a look of absolute pride that made his eyes sparkle. He knew what would had happened then: he would had joined him and guided the boy through a personal tour, chatting about the paintings and adding those few details that only true and passionate expert could know. After that, he knew that Brian would had waited until closing time and then took him to celebrate that day at their restaurant, the one where they would always go for special occasions. Unfortunately, that would only remain a fantasy. 

"If you still haven’t recovered from the flu, I can stay." 

The voice, perhaps too shrill, of Mya brought him back to reality with hardness. There were no honey blonde curls or blue eyes in the crowd. Nick shook his head, hoping to chase away the image of Brian. It didn’t work. 

"Tell the truth, you want to be at home so that you can keep cuddling with Brian" The girl teased with a playful smile. 

The stab sank his claws so quietly as painfully. Nick fought back tears, hoping not to make her notice. But something escaped because a hand, a gentle touch, rested on his shoulder. 

"What's going on?" 

"Nothing ... It’s well ... - The breath trembled as he tried different phrases to not pronounce that sentence that still hurt so badly. But they didn’t exist. - ... Brian broke up with me. " 

"What? Why? " The shock and surprise was big but it could never reach the level of Nick’s. 

"If you find out, can you let me know?" 

It was a defense mechanism to joke about it. Even so, only Brian could answer him. But when he looked to reassure Mya, something alerted him: she had her arms around the waist and she was biting her lip nervously which made him thinking that she might know something. 

"Mya?" 

"I don’t believe it has something to do with the break up but ..." 

"But? - Nick repeated, approaching the girl and taking her by the shoulders. If she knew something, she had to tell him! Although if that would proved to be a little and useless detail, even if it had nothing to do with what had forced Brian to end things with him in that way, it was his right to know. - Please, My. If you know something ... if he told you something, you have to tell me! I'm going crazy! He didn’t tell me anything, he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore!" 

Mya looked down unable to sustain the look full of hope and pain of Nick. "I told him about Europe." 

Nick frowned, confused. "Europe? Why would this have something to do with Brian?” 

"I told him that you had refused to go. I know that I shouldn’t and that they weren’t my business. But... I just thought that if anyone could still change your mind, that was Brian. I'm sorry. " 

*******

"... I can stay, it’s not a problem. " 

Brian tried to smile but it wasn’t enough to reassure Aj because his expression, even more worried than before, let him know that he had failed miserably. He didn’t want to be alone in that apartment and that had been the reason why he had spent the last nights on the couch in his office. At the same time, he didn’t want to keep receiving those looks of compassion mixed with the light of a desire, badly withheld, to give advice at any cost. He didn’t need them he already knew what he did wrong and what he should do, which was to answer one of the countless calls of Nick and explain, making him understand that he still loved him or that he never stopped. He simply didn’t have the energy to do anything, that was the reason why he had let himself being took back home by Aj. 

There was nothing left inside him, his whole being seemed to have left him so that it could be by Nick’s side, wherever the boy now was. Brian couldn’t remember what he had done in that time frame from that fateful moment in Central Park until that moment when he slipped the key and opened the door of an apartment that had never seemed so empty, dark and cold. He knew that he had been in the cafeteria, day and night, but those were confused and blurry images, as if he was watching the life of someone else. Not his. 

Somehow, Brian was able to convince Jay to return to his home. "Yeah, I'll call you in case of need. Yes, I'll eat something. No, tomorrow I won’t take a day off. " To do what? Stay at home? Home had ceased to be when he left Nick. Home had to be something warm and welcoming, not a constant reminder of what he had lost. For his fault. 

Almost autopilot, his feet carried him toward the bedroom. The bed was still unmade, the duvet thrown to the ground by Nick because he had been late for work that morning. They had both been late, having preferred to be together and use the last few minutes with hugs and kisses rather than worrying about wrinkled sheets and pillows that had been flown to the door of the bathroom. It was as if he could see them, two figures who exchanged a love that now it was almost too suffocated in that room. Suddenly, the scent of clothes Nick became too strong, too painful that it made reappear tears that hadn’t made their appearance in those days. 

He spun around, knowing that he would never be able to get back in there. It was like there wasn’t a way out, every corner was a reminder ready to hit as soon as he laid eyes on it. He couldn’t run away because that was his punishment. To remember knowing that it had been all his fault.

He went back into the living room and curled up on the couch, hiding completely in a sweater that Nick had abandoned around. It wouldn’t take much, a simple gesture and Nick would be there, his face simply enough to erase all traces of the cold that from the outside, where white flakes of snow were falling, had crept into every nerve inside his body. 

But Brian knew that he couldn’t call Nick. He wanted so bad to turn back time. But he couldn't.