The last time Nick had walked on that street he had done with a spirit totally different. How could he not remember it? He could pictured it even in that moment, walking hand in hand with Brian, looking and staring at the window’s of the shops and joking about what gift would be perfect for Jay. He remembered being happy, he remembered feeling like finally his world had found its speed and rotation. 

At that moment, however,  it could have been raining or snowing and still he wouldn’t even noticed. His mind was lost far and far away, spinning and circling around to all the information he had about what had happened in those last few days. 

Europe. Brian. The break up. 

He had been stupid not to say anything to Brian about that offer. Oh, he already knew what he would have said. Moreover, Nick knew with absolute certain what Brian would have done: he’d have immediately booked a plane ticket for him and a tour guide of all and each places where he would be, including an organized itinerary for each city. The only drawback? He knew that Brian would have not included himself in that journey as he knew that there weren’t even the small chance for him to convince his boyfriend to tag along. He knew that he would never be able to remove Brian from that cafeteria that, yes, was his world but it was still too small for a special soul like Brian was. And that was the reason why he hadn’t talked or discussed the plan with him. And neither his decision to refuse and not to go. 

Yes, Europe had always been his dream. But that was because he had always seen it as a chance to begin a new life, away from old vices and, perhaps, with the hope of meeting his soul mate and true love. Everything had changed when he had laid his eyes on Brian that morning: with a smile, Brian had managed to erase that dream and he had given him another, one that he had never even dared to build even in his dreams. 

Nick hadn’t say no just because he had promised Brian to never leave him alone anymore. Mainly, his answer had been because he couldn’t even try to imagine himself on the other side of the world for six long months and without having the security to return home and being able to hug and cuddle within Brian’s arms. So, at the end, he had given up Europe for himself. 

Brian. 

With that new piece of information, Nick already knew the flow of thoughts that had pushed the boy to make that decision. And that was because he knew the boy, he knew that he was the type of person that would have given up even his heart so that he wouldn’t be a burden for the person he loved. But, to him, Brian wasn’t and would never be a burden. 

He was angry. Oh, he was very much angry! The fury traveled in his blood along with the suffering, transmitting thoughts on how Brian had dared to take such a decision without talking. But then his conscience crept between the flames, reminding him that he had behaved in the same way. They had been both wrong, though there was one that brought on himself the most of their faults. And Nick knew that he was paying with pain and guilty. 

His heart had lead him until he found himself standing in front of Brian’s front door. Doubtful, he stood there for a few seconds, wondering if he should ring the bell or open the door with the key he still had and kept inside his jacket’s pocket. Maybe Brian wasn’t even there but hidden in the cafeteria. Every thought was, however, deleted when a scream echoed from the apartment, freezing Nick with a fear that he had never thought it was possible to feel. 

******

Brian didn’t know if it was the house that was cold and freezing or if he was then one that still had to warm up enough. Although he was wearing Nick’s sweater, warm and big like his owner, the chills continued to fight and battle inside him, as if they wanted to prevail on the tears and the pain that wasn’t physical but so overwhelming nevertheless. It was like a weight had been placed on his chest, preventing him from breathing normally, as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room or as if his lungs were too tired to continue working. 

Even his mind was tired and to the point of exhaustion after trying, unsuccessfully, not to think about Nick. It had failed because something would happen and his first instincts had been to turn around and comment, waiting for that smile as Nick would reply to him. Instead, he had found himself alone and the only smile had been the one of the silence while was stabbing him. 

No matter how tired he was, Brian didn’t want to fall asleep because without any barrier capable to curb all those thoughts that had nested in his mind, those were waiting in the darkest corners, ready to come to the surface and break up what little remained of his control. He thought it all had passed, he thought he was finally able to remove that anxiety he had always been victim of. That was the reason why he had never been close to anyone or let someone else get too close to his soul: because let himself attached meant having no defense against the possibility that that person would, suddenly disappear and leave him completely destroyed once again. 

And this time. Oh, this time it was even worse. This time he had only one person to blame for all that suffering. Before, it would have been enough to turn around for reassure himself that Nick was still there and  alive. Before, a simply message would have been enough to put to sleep the fear that something had happened. Now, all those fears continued to have the upper hand because he had no more weapons to use for the fight. He couldn’t pick up the phone and call him,  he had lost that right when he had told him that it was over between them..

The shivering became more intense, seeming like they on the verge of breaking bones and nerves, dragging him finally in a black background. He didn’t want to fall asleep  but he was too weak to resist.

The wind was blowing through the trees, hissing words that came to his ears but that he couldn’t understand the meaning they carried. All that they left behind them was a cold feeling, icy fingers huddling around every inch of skin.

Tighter and tighter, they sank their claws as if they wanted, no, they needed his blood. The voices rose, shouting, screaming, even if they came from a distance.

He began to follow them, running and running even if he didn’t know where he was going. In front of him, two figures continued to walk without realizing that he was screaming for them. Because he had recognized them. Oh, how could he not? They were the two most important people in his life, that's who they were.

Then, they turned. Their faces wore no expression at all, pale as to be invisible, almost ... no, no, no, no!

He tried to turn, to escape from the reality that had to be a nightmare but he found that he couldn’t move.

Paralyzed, he finally understood what they were saying.

"Good-bye."