There had been really a few times when Nick had felt that kind of panic, mixed with a shade of terror that now held him tangles within its web, as he still stood there on the landing with Brian’s cry that continued to echo in an infinite loop in his ears. It was that kind of absolute fear that made him kept dropping the keys from the hands or made him insert them wrong in the lock, a frustration that continued to grow with every failed attempt of opening the door. At the same time, still, deaf words of reassurance flown away from his lips, hoping and praying that Brian could hear them and would know that he was coming for him. But all he got in response was silence and that was almost more disturbing than the screams. 

Finally, the click of the lock broke through the thick surface of tension. Nick literally flung himself into the house, vaguely remembering to close the door behind him. Cold. That was the first thought that came to mind as he let his gaze wander carefully within those walls: the lights were all off, even the tree that they had so much fun decorating almost two weeks earlier. It wasn’t the apartment that he remembered, it was as if life had been banished from the rooms, as if no one still lived there. Before he could ask where Brian was, a groan, so choked that was almost a whisper, led him to the couch where there was the boy, huddled in a corner. Each lascivious tracks of anger melted away at the first sign of tears while a lump began to shake his throat as he realized what was wrapped around Brian’s body. One of his sweaters. 

It was instinct to make him act, just like all those nights when a phone call would wake him up in the middle of his sleep. In few steps, he found himself on the couch, that trembling figure in his arms, looking and searching for any way to calm him down. Usually, his presence was enough to bring Brian back from the last web of nightmare. But this time, even his words and whispers of reassurance weren’t enough to calm him. It was only when he placed his lips on Brian’s forehead that he understood the cause. For safety, also checked with the back of his hand but the diagnosis was always the same. 

At the beginning, he didn’t even hear the whispers. He could only feel Brian’s lips moving against his neck but the whispers were too low and muffled to be heard.  Then, they became almost a litany mixed with a sobbing breath too raucous. "I'm sorry ... forgive me ... don’t go away ... " 

"Shh, it's okay. I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here with you. - Nick assured him. Or at least he tried, only managing to squeeze even more arms around the boy. But it was as if Brian didn’t or couldn’t hear him, trapped in his delirium just like when he was convinced to see pink elephants flutter around him. - Come on, let's go to bed. You'll be more comfortable. " 

"No! - Brian exclaimed almost in panic, shaking his head. - I don’t want to go there ... it hurts too much ... the memories ... don’t leave me ... " 

A tear, solitary, escaped his control. God, it wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair that they both suffer so much for a trifle. "It's all right. - Nick murmured into Brian’s hair. - It's all right. I'm here with you. " 

******

Hot and cold were allied against him, imprisoning him in a web from which escape seemed impossible, let alone tempt to try. He was a weak prey under their attacks, but what made unbearable those moments, minutes and seconds, was the cruel illusion that Nick was at his side, busy to take care of him as if nothing had happened.

Although weak and frail, his rational part was trying to warn him and protect him because, when the feverish mist would fade away, the harsh reality would put him in front of the fact that he had dreamed the whole thing and that Nick had never returned, nor had been there cuddling him or reassuring him. Illusion, however, was too tempting to just dismiss it and be rational.

So, Brian surrendered, letting himself be overwhelmed by the smell of Nick.

________________

Everything around him seemed to burn but it hadn’t been those flames to bring him back from that half-sleep in which he had fallen. What had woke him up was the fact that Nick’s voice was gone. Even the hands. But not the smell, no, that still lingered in the air around him, on those sheets and pillow on which he didn’t know how he managed to land.

He tried to open his eyes but his eyelashes were so joined together by sweat and tears that he abandoned all pretenses almost immediately.

"Nick ..." The name left his lips only as a groan, his throat also a victim of the flames burning around and within him. Out of nowhere a glass appeared, leaning gently to his lips. Brian wasn’t afraid anymore, the illusion had returned because he could still hear the voice of Nick. "I ... sorry ... " 

The illusion created a caress on his cheek and a fleeting kiss on the forehead.

________________

When he woke up, after an unspecified period of darkness, heat and cold, the flames seemed to have subsided, leaving behind their passing only the desert and a weariness that had crept into every muscle, even those who he hadn’t thought they could exist. 

For a few seconds, he waited, waiting for something. Now that he was no longer a prisoner of feverish delirium, the knowledge that hearing Nick had been only an illusion became a cruel joke.

Slowly, Brian turned on his side. And that was the moment when he noticed it. He blinked his eyes several times but no, it wasn’t only his imagination. Asleep in his usual position, supine and with one arm tight around his waist, there was the blond hair that had tormented and, at same time, reassured him during his fever.

Doubtful, he reached out one hand to make sure it was all true. The movement, though small, was able to arouse Nick who at first, as always, looked around sleepily before laying his eyes on him. For a second, it was as if nothing had happened, as if they had never been separated.

The smile. That look. They were the same Brian had always woken up with.

"Are you feeling better? You scared me."

A simple question brought back reality between them.

"Why are you here?" He asked, his voice a hoarse whisper.

A shadow took its place in those blue eyes. "I know why you left me."