He should have known it. Brian should have known that Nick wouldn’t have surrendered so easily and that he would have gone to hell just to find an answer to his despicable action. And now he couldn’t escape. He wasn’t physically able to get up and run away and, maybe, escape wasn’t longer a priority. Just being there, waking up and finding Nick there beside him, had been enough to make resurface everything, all those feelings that he had tried to put somewhere far away from him, some corner where he couldn’t see or feel them. Now they were coming back stronger than before and he didn’t want to fight them anymore.
“I know that the reason of this break – up is about the trip in Europe. I know that you did it for noble motives. And miserably stupid too.”
Brian had expected anger. When he had thought about Nick’s reaction, he had expected it to be full of anger, screams and insults. Wasn’t that what usually happen in movies and books? So he had prepared himself and his heart for that moment. And yet, Nick was still surprising and shocking him. There was none of that. There was only an apparent calm, a cold and sterile list of facts as if they were talking about another couple, two people that weren’t them.
“If... I was wrong. I was wrong acting that way. I know, trust me that I’ve always known that. I should have talked to you. But I was angry and I know you. You wouldn’t even want to hear what I wanted to say. You would have answered that Europe wasn’t your dream anymore. But we both know that it would have been a lie.”
“But it isn’t a lie, Bri. – Nick replied. Brian tried to protest but a cough stopped him and let Nick continued his speech. – Listen. Europe, yes, it had been my dream. And do you want to know why? Because I wanted to run away from here. Europe was my chance to start a new life. Europe was my chance to meet true love. Can’t you see why it can’t be my dream anymore? Because that dream is already came true. When I met you.”
Perhaps. Brian could blame those little lines of fever that still were battling inside his body or, maybe, he could put blame on the expression that had colored Nick’s face while speaking those words. But, whatever the reason might be, it allowed the tears to fill his eyes, before escaping one by one. Nick moved closer, resting his forehead against Brian’s. He wanted to scream, yes. The need and desire of shouting out all the pain was still lingering inside him. But they held up their hands and gave up their rights in front of Brian’s heartache for it was so painfully palpable that it prevented him to throw salt over those open wounds. Though, a part of him was feeling a little bit of satisfaction knowing that he wasn’t the only one bearing scars of what had happened.
"I'm sorry ... no, sorry isn’t enough to explain how much I want to go back and erase everything that I’ve said and done. But I can’t, right? I can’t just undo so easily the wrong that I’ve done. All the hurt that I’ve caused you. – The words came out without a chance to control them even if every syllable was a flame that burned more and more his throat. But what was that compared to what he had inflicted on Nick? Nothing, not even a small part of tears. - I was scared. I was afraid that you were sacrificing everything for me. I couldn’t... I couldn’t allow another person to give up something so important only for my happiness."
Nick didn’t even have to ask Brian who had been the first person to do that. He should had seen it because it was a pattern that always came back and placed itself between them, almost as if Brian was terrified to live a life outside the shadow of his mother’s memory and presence. On that point, they were so different from each other, they were the exact opposite pole because, while he had always tried to escape from the heavy name of his family, Brian lived in the memory and tried in every way possible not to let it escape from his fingers. Sometimes, Nick envied him. But most of the times he wanted to shake Brian and make him see how many opportunities he was letting escape by living like that. But he loved his loyalty; it was one of the things he loved most in Brian. Even if now he was the victim of this blade and a part of him, albeit tiny, doubted that the wound left behind could be healed.
***
"Why didn’t you tell me? About the offer, I mean."
Now that they were together, now that they were in each other's arms again, Brian could see clearly where they had been wrong. When did they stop talking? And he wasn’t thinking about the small exchanges about how their day had been or things like that, but the important ones: they used to spend whole evenings where the only sounds audible were their voices, mixed together as they outlined dreams, future and hopes. Where did those go? If they had talked, if Nick had said something, if he hadn’t decided for both... maybe they wouldn’t have been in that condition, clinging to those remaining shreds hoping that they would be enough to bring them back together. But Brian could see a partial reason why they hadn’t spoke to each other. They did it because they wanted to protect themselves; they wanted to do what was best for the other regardless of how much it could hurt them. Without arguing, without discussing in fear of what would had been the other’s reaction. And Brian was aware of being the biggest hypocrites between them: he had always claimed that Nick’s love had made him a better person and, yet, it had been the reason why he had acted like he was the worst person in the world. And there was reassurance on how or if he could erase that weight from his shoulders.
Under him, Nick stiffened for a quick moment. So Brian squeezed a little bit tighter his arms around his waist and, as usual, he could feel the exact moment when the tension melted away. "Perhaps, for your same reason. I knew you'd objected and I didn’t see why we should have fight for something that wasn’t that important.”
Brian looked up, his eyes filled with surprise. "Not important?"
"Yes Bri. You think that I said no only because I didn’t want to break my promise to you but... That’s not true. - Nick rested his chin on the top of Brian’s head, savoring that scent he had so missed for a few seconds. – The truth is that I know that I couldn’t be able to stay away from you for that long. Just these days spent without you had been as if someone had pulled out the plug: there was no light or sound. There wasn’t music in my life.”
Brian took the blow without letting Nick knew it: he kept his eyes closed until he was sure that no tear, even the smallest, could betray him. Yes, he could had blamed the fever that was gradually rising up again but, in that moment, he didn’t care about going back to sleep. They had to talk, even if it meant going back trapped in that web of warm and cold.
"But .. - The cough suddenly betrayed him but Brian almost sighed with relief when he heard Nick's hand stroking his back. - ... Nick, that wasn’t only an opportunity to realize your dream. Art is your life, you're damn good and attend exhibitions in Europe could open up so many doors for you. Why didn’t you think about this?"
The fingers stopped a few inches from his head. No, Nick hadn’t thought of that angle of the situation.
"You deserve all the best." Brian muttered, daring to rest your lips on Nick’s, fearing for a moment that he was going to be Instead, he found himself in that space and time that seemed to arise around them every time they kissed. It was like being complete and whole again.
