"I need time. I need time to think and reflect. About us.” 

The words came suddenly, tearing the tranquility that now Brian realized it had been only apparent. He should have expected it, he should have expected that reaction from Nick but somehow, there had been the illusion that only a few words could be enough to heal and make them start all over again. Still, Brian had never believed, even for a single second, that Nick could use the same excuse he had used to justify the sudden break up. He couldn’t help but feeling shocked in front of those words chosen, as if Nick had deliberately used them so he could feel even just a hint of the pain he had caused him. 

“And you deserve it.” A cold voice whispered inside his mind. 

"Okay. – He then muttered, burying his hands in the sink to hide the trembling of the fingers. - Take all the time you need. " 

A sound of footsteps but Nick didn’t approach him. And that physical distance craved even more than any other silence of absence, being so close yet so far away from each other. 

"I’m not leaving you. I have ... I have ... - Nick sighed, leaning his hands on the edge of the counter. The tension that was stiffening Brian’s back was the same that was also paralyzing his body and Nick wanted nothing more than chase away everything. He just wanted to go back to the start and forgetting those days of pain and heartache. But every time it was bitter the realization that he had no longer that power. - I just have to figure out where we should start again. How we can be together. " 

Brian gave up the few remaining dishes and wiped his hands, turning to him. "Okay. I’m not pretending that you have to forgive me so easily. I will be here, always. - He tried making a step forward so that now only the counter was between them. - Can I call you?" 

"You have to. - The corners of Nick's lips curved, for the first time, into a shy smile. - Promise me that you won’t shout me out, Bri." 

"I'll be fine." 

"No, you won’t be fine. And... and you have every right not to be alright with this, Brian. Does it make sense? I'm not saying that I want you to hurt and suffer, but... " 

Brian blocked this other unwillingly shot, remembering once again that Nick had every right to enjoy his suffering almost as if it was a prize. He walked round the obstacle between them and, catching Nick by surprise, he clasped his arms around his neck as his lips went in search of Nick’s. The beginning was hesitant, almost as if he feared that he could be stopped, but when Nick began to respond, holding him even closer to him and burying his hands in his back, Brian gave up any doubt, instilling in that kiss all that he was feeling: love, yes, but also despair. So much, too much, but real and tied so tight with it. 

They pulled away after a few minutes, conscious of that sad goodbye so fragile. Brian just wanted to keep Nick always close to him but he knew that it wasn’t possible. Not yet, at least On tiptoe, he kissed his temple, then down again on the lips. "I will accept any decision, Nick. You have to do what is right for yourself, not only for us. Or for me.” 

He then found himself alone in that kitchen that had never been so big and empty at the same time. This time there was no resistance in stopping the tears so Brian left them free to fall and the worst feeling was that there would be no one to erase them. 

****

If he ever dared to imagine it, Brian probably thought that this was what an earthly form of purgatory should be, a limbo where he was living while waiting for a decision that it was no longer in his power. There was nothing that he could do or say to try to influence Nick for his final decision. He just had to wait and pray while debating what heaven and hell could be: heaven, if Nick would take him back or hell, if Nick decided to leave forever. 

In between, there Brian was struggling with a life he had never been able to live at its full. Everything had returned to be colored in those shades of grey, black and white, just as like his world had been before meeting Nick. That day had been like colors had sudden exploded inside his live and now that he was standing on the verge of losing everything it was bitter and sad to realize how lucky he had been. But Brian believed in Nick, he trusted him more than he had ever done with himself and if Nick had promised him that they would be back together, he didn’t have any reason to doubt his words. And he didn’t. He just doubted everything else, all that he couldn’t control and that he might destroy with only a beat of wings. 

Brian had always lived simply going on or letting himself being dragged by reality and the world, like one of those leaves falling on the water and found them unwittingly transported towards the ocean. The Brian Nick had never known would have continued living that way, waiting for the moment when a bolt of lightning would made him succumb and surrender. And he knew that this was the main reason why Nick had been, and still was, afraid: he had feared that by leaving all alone without any support, he would have found only a shadow when he would have been back. How could he not blame him? After all he had put him through, all those nights when he hadn’t been able to sleep if Nick wasn’t at his side, his magnificent way of exhaust himself so he wouldn’t have to think and make sense of his day. He would have been anxious and terrorized too if the roles had been reversed. 

Brian knew the hidden reason beneath those days of reflection and thinking over. They weren’t only that, they were also a test. Another one because he had already failed the first and so miserably not realizing that he had been sick and forced Nick to take care of him. Oh, he wouldn’t fail this second chance because Brian had the feeling that it was the last that would have. He would prove to Nick that he could live without him while still living and breathing for him. 

"Hey. From the descriptions almost to the point of paranoia that Nick gave me, I didn’t think I would find d you here already at work. - The voice of Jay appeared behind him, a slap of the shoulder that had always been their greetings. - But I'm not surprised." 

Brian smiled. He wasn’t alone, though. He had never been really alone. Sometimes it was so easy to forget that, despite how much he had closed up his soul, someone had managed to make their way among the thorns: he had friends, he had some flirting in the past. The only thing that he had never learned was that it was okay to trust those people that he had let inside or how to be less stubborn and accept that it was okay to ask for help when he was in need.

"We talked. A lot. And he needs a few days to reflect. On how to get back together. But he still loves me. And I love him too. " Brian explained, without giving Aj the time to ask about what happened. 

"You will make it through. A love like the one between you and Nick doesn’t break after the first storm.” 

Brian took the friend’s words and let them sink inside him, feeding this way the seed of belief. He trusted Nick. He believed in him. And so he could and would believe that they were going to be okay.