It was a strange feeling that overwhelmed him when he got back to his old apartment, almost as if those rooms belonged to someone else even though in some corners there were still old sketches and his room had been left exactly in the same condition he had left it when he moved permanently into Brian’s house. That flat hadn’t changed but now he understood that he had been the one that had changed, he wasn’t longer that person and that Nick that had always tried to fill the void storming inside him by filling a void that was only and merely physical. 

That had been the reason why he had fallen in love with Brian at first sight. Brian, who had waited a month before asking him out for a date; Brian, who had waited that same amount of time before their first kiss and a lot more time before ending up in bed. And because of him, Nick had discovered that nights spent in each other’s arms were much more rewarding than a few hours embraced with lust and passion but vanishing along with night as sunshine chased them away. Most of all, Brian had turned out to be what he had always searched, even if only subconsciously: behind his smile and that appearance of strength there had always been a fragile soul who had waited for that moment when someone would noticed it and take it under his wings. 

As for him, on the contrary, he had always wanted to have someone to take care of, just like he had promised himself he would after the first pseudo boyfriend left broken his mother: that day, as he tried to cheer his mother, he had vowed that he would never be like those men, too much busy into satisfy their desires to realize how much the other person was depending on them and their love. And that was the reason why he had never been in a stable relationship, preferring quick and easy one-night stands instead than incurring in the risk of ruining someone only because it turned out to be too much to bear. 

That was the main reason why Brian and he had been the perfect match. Nick had understood it that first night that Brian had called him after a nightmare and watching him sleep peacefully in his arms had been a feeling and a sensation he couldn’t even explain, like new blood had begun to flow in his veins: knowing that he had that power, that he could erase tears and create smiles with only his mere presence, that had been an infusion that couldn’t be compared with any ones he had felt before. 

He had always put Brian as the main focus of his attention and, still, he hadn’t noticed that subtle change in him, that moment when the situation had been reversed and Brian had started to put him, his dreams and desires, at the center of their world. That was what had hurt the most. Of course, the sudden break, the train of insecurities and fears that had overwhelmed for days and days without a breather, all of that had left marks and scars that still had to vanish. But, for the first time, he was being the one that needed care and attention. And he didn’t want to be that fragile. Still, a part of him longed to try, at least once in a lifetime, how it would feel to be on the other side. If it was that simple, though! How could he trust Brian? How could he put himself in the hands of someone who couldn’t even take of himself? 

Nick was afraid. No, he was literally terrified of being betrayed once again, he feared that it could happen again and, that time, he wouldn’t be able to forgive Brian. Despite everything, however, love had taught him not to give up. And that was what he would do. He wasn’t going to give up love and Brian.

****

The bedroom, their bedroom, wasn’t longer something to be afraid or fear of.

Brian flopped down on the bed, his hands unconsciously went to look for someone that his mind knew that he wouldn’t find; it was his soul that kept expecting fingers that would began to stroke his hair while Nick’s voice would ask him if it had been a tiring day at the cafeteria. “Yes, it had been.”  Brian mentally replied even though it had been a lot less that he had expected it to be. Thoughts of Nick and their whole situation had always been there inside his mind but the light of the day held the power to put them back in the darkness leaving him free to take care of the coffee shop, that day full of nostalgic and old clients that wanted to talk and remember the past, and prepare a project for his next exam in the break time. That had always been his weapon, keeping himself busy until he had enough energy just to get home without getting in trouble or lost somewhere. Especially because it wasn’t the day to be difficult to go by but the nights, when nightmares would rise and be feed by the shadows. And it was during those hours of dark that loneliness hurt the most.

“No, you're not alone.” Brian repeated mentally while crouched in the side that had and would always be Nick’s. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nick stared at the phone, the documents he had tried to read were now almost forgotten. It was late evening, from Howe’s room noises and sounds had ceased for the past hour and the only light turned on was his small lamp on the nightstand. His mind was somewhere else, undecided whether or not to take up the phone and make sure that Brian was okay. It was strange but a part of him wanted the damn thing rang, as it had done so many times in the past, and that voice that appealed to him, though without uttering any supplication, to go to him. That place, where the love still beat for Brian, now yearned at the thought that the boy was alone to face his nightmares.

But he couldn’t always run at the first sign of a nightmare. How would he do if he ever decided to leave for Europe?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Hey."

"I didn’t wake you up, right?"

"No, I was ... - The eye fell upon a picture of London. He hid it under my pillow, leaning on it above. - ... reading. "

"I’m not calling because of a nightmare. Just ... I can’t sleep. "

"The bed is too big for you?"

"Something like that. And you said that I still could call ... "

"Even in the middle of the night. I'll be there forever, you know. "

The voice quieted down for a few seconds before resuming plus a whisper now. "I miss you."

"You too. – Nick replied with a sigh. - If you want, I can come tomorrow morning for a coffee."

"Just like the old times?"

"Yeah."

"You can ... - A cough interrupted his sentence. When he recovered, his voice was little more than a whisper. – can you stay on the phone with me? "

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just talk to me."

"About what?"

"About the museum. Your exhibit. About you. "

And Nick didn’t need to be told a second time so he began to talk about anything until the breath slowed down and told him that Brian had fallen asleep. "Good night."