The dawn had yet to get up and shine on Christmas morning, but Nick was already awake, sitting cross-legged on the bed and Brian’s gift still intact in front of him. He had wanted to listen to that cd the night before but the museum had remained open until late and when he had finally returned home, the only thing he had been able to do was to lie on the bed and let himself be caught hostage by the web of sleep. 

His sleep hadn’t lasted long and there he was, the note Brian had attached to the package between his fingers as he tossed and turned it over. He read those words, simply words that Brian had written until he knew them by heart. 

I know I’ve apologized in a lot of ways but I know it will never be enough. I have only this last attempt left and you know that music has always been the only language and voice I trusted for these things. 

A part of Nick longed to hear what was recorded on the compact disc. He loved, no, adored Brian’s voice but it was one thing to hear him sing, sometimes even better, their favorite songs, and it was one thing to hear something that was coming straight from his soul. And Brian was a very private person, he had let him read something he had written only a few rare times. Now, however, he had thrown away every confidence just to let him know who he really was and the reasons behind every his actions. Especially the most painful one. And that was the reason why another part was restraining him to put that cd in the stereo and start to listen. He didn’t want to know, he was afraid to know how much pain was held in that already suffering soul. But he had to. He owed it to himself, he owed it to Brian and to the love that he wouldn’t give up without a fight. 

He inserted the disc into the stereo, then lie down on the bed. The angelic voice of Brian mingled with the melody of a guitar first and then of a piano. Sometimes, rarely, it appeared  also a violin. But the words were the ones winning his attention. The first tracks spoke and told about them and they were the essence of love, a joy that had come to both suddenly and had they transported to another world, a place created especially for the two of them. Those notes talked about the first moments of fear and worry, traced their first kiss and the sweetness that had been wrapped around them. But as the tracks kept coming and disappear, thee melodies became more sad, telling of a broken trust and a destruction they had left behind. There was only one guitar to accompany Brian but his voice was what most yearned, almost as if he could touch and feel the tears that had fallen while those words were written. But underneath all of that pain, there was a hope that hung as a light in the darkness. Only in that moment Nick realized what he had meant, and still was, for Brian: he was his hope. 

As the last note lingered in the room, Nick realized that he didn’t need more time to reflect. Especially because the answer had always been inside him, patiently waiting for him to be read and listen to it. Now that he could grab it, now that he could hold tight on it, he wouldn’t let it run away. 

Most of all, he didn’t want to let Brian run away from him. Because he just realized that Brian was his hope.

*****

I’m so hard to handle
I’m selfish and I’m sad
Now I’ve gone and lost
The best baby I’ve ever had*

Blaine had been the one that managed to get him to sing something, rather than continuing to see him in a corner, staring at the door that yes, it opened all the time but never let appeared the only person he had wanted to see. 

Maybe he had been wrong. No, not for the gift. He had been a long time since he wanted to give Nick that simple CD, although in the past it would have been made only by tracks that spoke of their love story. He had been wrong to force Nick to take a decision so suddenly, especially after all that talking he had done about how he needed to take time and the space necessary to decide if he would give him hope or destroy him permanently. 

Oh, he was being selfish. He knew and he knew that the reason lie in the fact that he had already have too much uncertainty in his life to bear another load of it. And, if a miracle had to happen, what other day could be better if not Christmas? 

The last notes rang out in the silence, each person in the room had stopped to converse captured by that voice which told so intensely that melancholic and nostalgic song. For this reason the ringing at the door turned out stronger than it was normally. Brian lifted his head from the guitar and heard, loud and clear, the beating of his heart stopping abruptly. Someone took the guitar out of his hands and, without knowing how, he found himself a few inches in front of Nick. His name came from his lips in a choked whisper, as if he were afraid that screaming could break the spell that had brought the boy there in front of him.

Before he could say anything, Nick put his index finger on his mouth and then brought up blank sheets of paper. No, not white, because there was something drawn on it. 

Nick showed him the first in which he had drawn himself in his room, notes flying circling around the stereo. Brian immediately understood what it meant, or who was listening to his CD. While his heart was still beating more furiously against the sternum, Nick turned the paper still remaining silent. In that second drawing, there were two figures, him and Nick, standing in a room inspired by the Christmas spirit. Without missing a beat, Nick also showed Brian the third and final design: it was the same as before, same walls, the same Christmas tree. Until Brian noticed the position of the two boys, hugging each other tightly as they kissed under the mistletoe. 

The lump of tears prevented Brian to formulate a coherent question. Although there was no need for more words when everything had already been said by those lines, a response that was reflected in those blue eyes that shone under the lights. Not only that but the light that shone with the most magic light that existed: love. 

But it was Nick who made true that sketch. His arms went around Brian’s back, their bodies clung to each other after being separated for too long. But it was the kiss to dissolve the tears and all that tangled web of fears and uncertainties, which no longer had significance. Not that day least. They’ve lost each others, and then they had found themselves in the middle between love and being alone while living on their skin what it meant to suffer for love. And in that kiss, they made to each other another promise: to never let go of the other. Never again.