Nick knew he was being a jerk. He knew that euphoria, pushing Brian to come home every day with thousands of tourist guides possible and unimaginable, it was only a mirror that hid behind many other feelings. But it was easy to pretend not to know, especially those nights spent dreaming about streets and alleys of Paris or London that now didn’t seem so far away, when Brian's arms came around him and never ceased to infuse support and reassurance. In those moments, Nick didn’t need to hide himself inside Brian’s body to silence that little voice that was still dozing and waiting at his side. And, in all honesty, Nick couldn’t explain exactly what that voice was made of, if it was still stubborn resentment and rancor that gathered and intertwined with each other and then around him. Maybe, if he had talked to Brian, he would be able to unleash the mass but he also knew that those words would only result with increase the guilt and blame that Brian was still carrying, adding salt to a wound that it wouldn’t want to heal on that skin. 

Yes, as the day of his departure approached, that messed web of emotions became more and narrower, almost as if it fed, lived and survived because of the remorse that still obscured Brian’s eyes at the slightest hint of their separation. It was like there was a snake inside him that came alive when Nick was alone and hissed malignant and evil words while spreading its poison in the form of doubts. And all of that was reflected in that willing and wanted distance, in those phone calls that he never answered and in those cryptic replies when Brian would ask him what was wrong. 

Just like that evening. The phone had ringed, the messages had come intermittently but he never responded if not with a terse and laconic "I have things to do." After all, once in Europe, he wouldn’t be able to abandon everything just only to run and solve whatever kind of crisis Brian was having. At least, so Nick tried to justify himself. But even his ears thought and believed that those words seemed only a flimsy excuse and malice. He didn’t want to behave that way nor did he want to get pleasure from the cold revenge. That power, the weapon firmly between his fingers, didn’t make him feel better or chase away the confusion. Actually, on the contrary, it added more and more until he feared he would collapse under its weight. Why was he allowing it? Why wasn’t he trying to find a solution? 

The answer was obvious and yet it wasn’t so simple to put into practice, because it meant putting under the sunlight wounds and scars he wanted to forget, hoping that time would heal them. Or hoping that Brian could and would heal them. But, at the same time, he couldn’t pretend or ask that Brian could fix something that he wasn’t even aware about its presence. 

When he got home, past midnight, Nick found all the lights off except for the pale blue of the TV in the living room, where Brian had fallen asleep waiting for his return. He stayed there a few seconds, observing him while his heart got caught in a vise, knowing that he was hurting not only himself but even the boy he had swore he would never hurt again. Then he picked up the blanket and put it around Brian, putting his face close to his head. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered inside the silence of the room, hoping that Brian could hear him even in his sleep. This time it was his turn to erase the tears which, in the shadows, seemed to shine with even more sadness. 

***

That morning the cafeteria was unusually empty, except for a few old people Nick recognized from the New Year's party and greeted them with a nod of his head, leaving them absorbed in their coffee and newspapers. Even more strange was to find Blaine and not Brian behind the counter, as he was sure and he remembered clearly that Brian had the opening round that morning, hence the fact that when he had woke up he hadn’t been there in the flat. 

"He said he had to go somewhere." It was the simple explanation that Blaine gave him as he began to prepare the coffee. 

Nick was silent as he tried to figure out where Brian might have gone to. University? No, he hadn’t any classes that month; he had no relatives in the city ... the possibilities were endless, and the concern was getting up the ridge. And maybe that was what Brian had felt all those nights when he didn’t come home and didn’t answer to his calls. Gosh, he had really been a jerk. Especially because he knew that it was the Brian’s weakest point and still he had gone and pressed the knife in the wound. 

"Nick ... - Blaine cut him off from his thoughts, by offering a minimum of relief from catastrophic scenarios. - ... I know they aren’t my business at all but... well, I know what you tow are going through. Because it happened to me and Kurt.” 

Nick raised his face, looking more closely at the boy. "Really?" 

Blaine's fingers shook with intensity around the towel he held in his hands. "I made the same mistake, and believe me, it hadn’t be an easy ride getting to the point where Kurt and I are today. But we made it and you will succeed too." 

"How?" 

“Just keep trying. Keep loving. And keep talking " 

"And if it was not enough? - Nick found himself asking, even if he couldn’t explain how he could confide in someone who barely knew. But the words were out of control because, maybe, he just needed some advice. - And if I continue to punish him?" 

"Why are you doing this?" 

"It 's complicated. I don’t know either." 

"Not true. Deep down inside, you know the reasons why you are doing this." 

"You’re right. I needed him and...  he wasn’t there. - Nick whispered, brushing the tip of the index on the outline of the cup that was slowly cooling down. - And now he's so excited about my departure that it is as if he couldn’t wait to finally get rid of me. It’s like... as if he doesn’t need me anymore.” 

"But you know that isn’t like that. - Blaine contradicted. - You of all people know what Brian hides behind that smile." 

"I know. In here ... - Nick slapped his hand against his chest, where there heart was pounding. - ... I know that there won’t be a day when Brian won’t need me anymore. But it's my head that it’s a pile of doubts." 

Blaine was silent for a moment, choosing his words carefully to use. "You can’t know if Brian would do something like that again or if he will hurt you again. You can only try to make sure that your love is strong enough to overcome that obstacle." 

It was Nick's turn to remain silent and assimilate those words that came from someone who had been through the sun and that only now was finally feeling and enjoying the sun again. And Nick wanted to be like that too, wanted to see the sun again and the only solution was to deal and talk about that weight on his chest. 

"You know, I was jealous of you at the beginning. - He told Blaine as he stood up. - But thank you." And then he went in search of Brian.