Nick was fast asleep next to him, the smile on his face was the one of those who couldn’t wait for the morning to arrive so that they could begin a new adventure. Because the sunrise would bring a great day and would accompanying Nick in his flight across the ocean. An air – ticket made its silent appearance on the bedside table, waiting to be picked up and used. Still, Brian knew that Nick would accept a negative answer, without rancor or disappointment. 

Brian reached down to Nick’s body, wrapped in the blanket, and left a quick kiss on the shoulder, being the only left bare skin, then stood up and headed towards the study. From the window, the light of a new moon came into the room and Brian let himself be guided by it as he retrieved a white box from a closet and sat on the floor cross-legged, before opening it and bring up its contents: inside the box there were the letters and the diaries that her mother had written to him from the first moment she had discovered she was pregnant. 

The idea to leave, to leave everything and follow Nick in Europe, was romantic and also alluring. But it was far from being realistic: he couldn’t leave university so suddenly, without notice and in the second half of the year and maybe even risking losing the scholarship for which so much had struggled. And then there was the cafeteria. He couldn’t place on Aj and Blaine’s shoulders the weight of managing a cafeteria, especially when one of them was still a beginner and none of them knew how to juggle with the administrative part. 

But he knew that those were only mere alibis. The truth was that he didn’t know what he could have been done in Europe, in those immeasurable hours when Nick was committed to the museum. Unlike the boy, he didn’t have a plan or a project. And, if he had to be totally honest, he didn’t have a plane neither there in New York, in that city that still seemed too big for him. What was he going to do after he would obtain his master's degree? For how much he loved the place, he didn’t want to be confined in that place forever, even if he could not avoid feeling guilty for the thought. Most of all, he wanted to make a difference knowing that music had that much power to boldly go where no other medicine or comfort could succeed. He had tried it on his skin, he had always clung to notes and melodies so that he wouldn’t succumb under the weight of pain and had escaped alive. Maybe he hadn’t been victorious, but at least he was still alive. And now, he wanted to do it for someone else. 

Finally, he found the letter he was looking for, a step which he had read and re-read in moments of despair.

"Be your dream, live it and do not feel cowardly if you need to take a step back and just breathe. Being brave does not mean throw yourself hoping not to collapse. Be brave, sometimes, it means knowing when to stop and reflect on the path to take."

The clock behind Brian informed him that he still had a few hours available to communicate this decision. And he knew how to do it, he needed only some post-it, a blank sheet of paper and a pen.

****

The absence of heat in the other side of the bed didn’t frightened Nick. His flight to Barcelona was in the early afternoon and it wasn’t the first time he woke up without Brian sleeping next to him, especially for all those mornings he had to get up at dawn to open the café. What was unusual in that awaking was to find two post-it, one on the pillow and the other where normally Brian slept. With eyes still puffy from sleep, Nick reached out and took the first one easier to reach. 

I love that your smile

Is the first thing I see

When I wake up 

Inevitably, a smile formed on his lips. He stretched, standing up and leaned on one elbow as he retrieved the other post-it: 

I love to sleep curled up

against you. It makes me feel

protected. 

"Sentimentalist and hopeless." Commented Nick softly as he looked around, noticing colored sticky notes hanging in various parts of the room. Even on his sweater left helpless on the floor from the previous. 

I love to dress up with your perfume.

It's as if it could stay forever on my skin. 

Nick followed the trail of post-it that led him to the kitchen and every one of those sheets bore on its surface a particular that reminded Brian of him. Some were really small, little quirks that Nick wasn’t even aware of having but at the same time, they remembered what he loved in Brian. He was in the hallway when he realized that the car keys were wrapped in a sky-blue post-it. 

I love how you are the only one

Who managed to get me into a car

When I had sworn to myself

That it would never happen again. 

That slow burn in his eyes, Nick knew that that slow burn in his eyes wasn’t due to the fact that he hadn’t yet worn his contact lenses. They were tears, the knee-jerk reaction to all the love that surrounded him at the time. 

He went into the kitchen where the coffee machine was still warm and whose aroma caressed him, awakening him in full. 

I love coffee even more

Since I can taste it

On your lips. 

On the table, there was a brown box that had also the inevitable post-it upon. How many hours had Brian been up to be able to do all this? But instead of worrying and be consequently angry, Nick found himself  wishing that Brian was there, so that he would be able to crush in a hug without end. 

I love every little memories that

We have created together. 

And it was so. Because, once he removed the lid, Nick discovered that the box contained every ticket or memory of their history, even the chips that they hadn’t used at the luna - park during that first and beautiful appointment. He took them out one by one, laughing for every little memory that was attached to them, and finally, at the bottom of all this, there was a plain white envelope. There was nothing written, no post – it but Nick understood perfectly what it was.

It was Brian’s decision, although he didn’t need to read it to know what it would say. Despite this, he sat down, opened it and began to read. 

"Nicky, 

I know you were expecting this response. Between you and me, you've always been the bravest, the one who had always thrown himself into adventures without much thought or reasoning. As your proposal. You took me by surprise, so suddenly, even though you had thought about it and that is why I know you won’t be mad while reading this letter. 

You have to go alone. And not because I don’t want to follow you... Indeed, the thought of not being able to be together everyday leaves me without oxygen. The world will be different without you, my universe will shine less without its most important star. But we won’t be separated for too long and there is always the chance of coming and visiting you from time to time. 

You have to leave because this experience will change you, you will grow and I already am proud of where you came and where you will arrive. I have no doubt that you’re gonna conquer even Europe and the only thing that makes me sad is not being able to be there in the front row to see you triumph as it should be. But one way or another, I will always be there with you. Just find me in those details that are only ours, in those sunsets that we have always loved watching or those sunrises we waited close to one another. Looking up, we will see the same moon, the same stars and the same sun. Tell them your words and I will hear them, keeping them close as if they were the most precious treasures. And I think you know that I am very good at preserving memories. 

Memories. For a long time I was afraid of them. There was only pain in remembering and I was so afraid that they were gonna be the only thing left while waiting for your return. Instead, now, I will own those memories and I know they will help me to accept your absence. Your scent will still be within our home, your clothes will be scattered here and there and your drawings will remind me that that you will return. 

That's why you have to leave. Here you have nothing to conquer, because my heart had always been yours from that first moment when you get in a café and asked me to prepare you a coffee. That day, you've changed me, you know? And see you now realizing your dream has opened my eyes and made me realize that I don’t have dreams, anything more than to have you by my side forever. These months will not only serve to you to find yourself and realize yourself, but they will also help to me to figure out what I want to do. To understand how to make you proud of me as much as I am of you. I love the coffee shop, especially for what it represents and what I remember, but it is no longer enough. I want to fly too, although I still don’t know in which direction I should soar my wings. And, whatever it is, I know it will never keep me separated from you and, with you by my side, it won’t be difficult to achieve. Because I have you, I have our love and our life so, together, we can fly anywhere."