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Chapter Twelve


The rehearsal was over, the meet and greet was halfway finished... I snuck through the underbelly of the stage towards the wardrobe room, glancing out at where the other four guys were standing, taking photos with the fans. Johnny was out there with them, so I assumed Lou was too, and moved a little more quickly toward the dressing room. Over two hours, I thought to myself, incredulous. How had my extra couple of minutes with Leighanne's parents turned into over two hours? I wasn't sure. Jack had been right, though, Shirley's sweet tea was amazing, and she'd laughed and said she'd give Leighanne the recipe for it when I told her I thought so.

It'd been a lot of fun, bonding with Leighanne's parents and I'd received Jack's blessing to ask Leighanne, which was the most important part. Shirley had been disappointed I didn't already have a ring, though. "You'll have to bring my baby up to visit right after," she made me promise, "So I can see the ring you pick out for her."

Assuming Lou didn't kill me before I could find one and give it to her, yes, yes I would bring her there. But as I inched through the backstage area in the arena, I felt anything but confident about that.

Especially when I was so busy thinking that I actually walked right into Lou.

He caught me, stabilized me before I fell to my ass on the concrete floor, and stared at me long and hard. "Where in the hell have you been?" he demanded of me, folding his thick, porky arms over his chest.

I stammered, "I was just running late, I'm sorry."

Lou laughed. He actually laughed. "Running late," he shook his head and started to turn away. For a split second, I thought that was the end of it, that he really didn't care, that maybe I'd been wrong about all the thoughts I'd been having, when he suddenly turned back, his face and neck a dark purplish-red color as he flushed. "Do you know how much you running late upsets this schedule? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep things running smoothly when a very important part of this little quintent isn't here? Do you have any idea how much money you being late could cost?"

I felt fury burn up in my stomach and before I could stop myself, I bellowed back, "No actually Lou I don't know how much money my being late could cost! And why is that? Because I don't seem to know a damned thing about the financial situation we're all in. But don't worry Lou, I'm onto it now and I do plan to find out exactly how much it does cost for me to be late." I shoved around him and into the wardrobe room.

He followed me, catching the door before I could slam it behind me. "You're being ridiculous," he snarled, coming into the room, too.

"I'm not the one paying internationally recognized popstars minimum wage," I retorted.

"WHO MADE YOU POPSTARS?" he bellowed.

I backed down. He seemed to grow taller. I had my back against the wall staring up at him and I looked away. Lou got right in my face, "None of you would be anything if it wasn't for me, so don't go being cocky or you'll find yourself quite without a job."

I nodded.

Lou turned and stormed away, slamming the door so hard that the wall shook behind me. I swallowd and stood there in the heavy silence that followed, my stomach turning. My entire body felt like jello or damp clay. My knees shook slightly, so I sank to the floor, sitting on the cold concrete. I ran my hands over my head to the back of my neck, rested my elbows on my knees, bet to my chest, and I stared down at my sneakers.

I was still like that when AJ came in the room a moment later. He glanced over at me, "Dude where the fuck've you been?" he demanded.

"Busy," I grunted.

He was shoving gel or something into the nest of tight curls that covered the top of his head. He stared at himself in the mirror and slid sunglasss over his eyes. He turned back to me. "Busy?" he laughed, "Don't talk to me about busy, we were actually working over here while you were off doin' whatever you were doin'." He took the sunglasses back off, breathed on the lenses, and wiped them with the hem of his shirt. Then he put them back on.

He looked ridiculous. He had a ridiculous outfit on, he had sunglasses on in a dark dressing room, and his hair was the same shape as the end of a Q-tip. "Don't you dare speak condescending to me when you're the one dragging Nick into the same black hole you're falling into," I snapped.

AJ reeled, looking surprised, "What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked.

"You and Nick the other night, after the Teen People party. I heard all about what went down from Kevin," I answered, "You two with the coke junkies. What're you, stupid? Doing drugs? You I almost half understand but why do you gotta bring down a perfectly good kid like Nick ---"

AJ rolled his eyes, "Oh so it's my fault, it's always gotta be my fault."

"Why wouldn't it be? Like Nick would go off with drug dealers on his own. He's a good kid. You might think that you have a dark and messed up life but Nick's not like that, okay?"

AJ exploded, "Fuck you saying anything about my life - or his life for that matter. You don't know what it's like for me. You grew up with a mother-fucking-family! You know what it's like to be a normal kid who plays ball with his father on the weekends. Don't you talk to me about my dark and messed up life like you think I should be able to buck up and handle it. Don't you dare."

I started to repsond, started to argue about the fact that actually I did not know a thing about playing ball with my father because my father was too afraid to break me because I had a malfunctioning heart, but AJ spoke again before I could start the sentence --

"And you don't fucking have a clue what Nick's going through," AJ added. "So don't you are judge me for understanding him and doing what I know how to do to help him. Maybe if you weren't being such a self-absorbed prick these days you'd see something's bothering him and maybe, just maybe, if you could stop thinking about Leighanne for longer than a nano second you'd actually give a shit and help him your way because that's what he fucking needs."

"It's not being selfish to have a girlfriend," I snapped. "You supposedly have one."

"Yeah well I don't ignore my friends when she's around."

"That's possibly because she's imaginary, but okay."

"She isn't imaginary."

"Then she's a real great influence on you. You drink every chance you get. You drink too much."

"That's my business."

"And what I do with my girlfriend is mine."

"Yeah but when you ignore Nick, it's all of our business," AJ replied.

"I don't ignore Nick!" I shouted.

"Alls I'm saying," AJ said, ignoring my outcry, "Is that you're throwing away a really good thing. You guys are Frick and Frack for fuck's sakes," he shook his head. And with that AJ grabbed the door, struggled with the knob a moment, and slammed it open. "We're getting ready to go to dinner," he snarled, "So get your ass out here unless you're too busy."

"Maybe I am too busy," I retorted.

"Fine, don't eat, I don't give a fuck." AJ closed the door behind him.

I sank my head back down and stared at my shoes again in the resounding slience after AJ had left. Two fights in ten minutes' time. I really wished I'd stayed at Leighanne's parents' house.

The rest of the afternoon and evening went pretty much the same way for me. One bad thing after another. The guy came back from dinner cranky and irritable, and Lou was bellowing everything all night. The show went okay I guess. The fans were high spirited but there was that certain magic that happens when the five of us are all getting along that was missing and Nick fell off the stage at one point and had to get pulled back up. The look on his face made me wonder if there wasn't something more going on, like AJ had said during our fight, but I didn't have time to talk to him, obviously, since we were on stage and everything, and he disappeared with AJ right after.

"Where are they?" Lou bellowed, looking around for AJ and Nick once we'd all realized they'd taken off. It was extra bad that they were missing this time because we were supposed to be on a tour bus in less than an hour, heading to Kentucky.

Kevin sighed heavily as Lou pounded away, seaching, and turned to me. "They better not be doing any stupid shit," he commented.

They still hadn't showed up when the tour bus had arrived and Kevin was pacing the length of it nervously. Howie and I were in our bunks, and Howie was sound asleep. I lay staring at the inside of the curtain on mine and thinking about the next day, all the appointments we had and everything.

I'd given my parents tickets to the show, and they'd wanted to spend the day together since I never got up that way anymore, but I'd had to explain to them that I had no extra time. Once again my mother had a hard time understanding that when I said I had no extra time I meant that I had no extra time. "Can't you just ask for the day off?" she'd asked me, "I'm sure Mr. Pearlman will understand it's because of family." But oh if she could only have seen the conversation I'd had with him about the doctor's she would've plotzed. I wondered if I'd even get to see them much, other than a fleeting glance in their direction in the audience during the show.

"What in the hell have you done?" Kevin's voice rang clear across the bus, breaking into my reverie. I peered out the curtain, but I couldn't see anything other than three shadowy figures at the far end of the bus. "Your mother's going to kill you and I don't at all blame her."

"It looks so cool though," Nick hiccuped.

"Not to mention what Lou is gonna do to you," Kevin snapped.

"Fuck Lou," AJ's voice was raspy from drinking but not quite drunk, like Nick's was. "That's right, I said it." AJ laughed, "Fuck Lou and his high horse. I legally got this and honestly it doesn't matter even if I didn't, our bodies do not belong to Lou. Ain't that right Nick?"

"Yes," Nick slurred, "That is right, so right, so right."

"Go to bed," Kevin's voice was stern, and there was a lot of shuffling and clambouring and a couple minutes later I heard Nick in the bunk above me, settling in. He shifted and rolled and finally stayed still, sighing into his pillow.

I reached up and touched the roof of my bunk. "Night Nick," I whispered. Then I rolled over and fell asleep, staring out the itty bitty window as the bus backed up and started to roll away from the venue.

I woke up the next morning to the familiar smell of Kentucky and the sound of Howie laughing. I rolled over and pulled the bunk curtain open. Howie was sitting at the little breakfast nook thingy a couple feet away. I rolled out of the bunk and padded barefoot towards him. "What's so fu--" then I saw him.

Nick was face-down, asleep in a bowl of what looked like Fruit Loops, his nose only just barely out of the milk. A purple loop floated on the breeze of his breath like a sailboat on a windy bay.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the counter. "How long's he been like that?" I asked. I reached for an apple from the counter where a bowl of them sat.

Howie shook his head, amusement clear on his face, "I have no idea," he snorted, "Not even a clue. I just got up and came out and found him here like this." He grinned up at me, "It's payback for all those times with the Sharpies on the vans."

I crunched into my apple and stared at Nick's cereal-bowl face, shaking my head.

He was still asleep in the Fruit Loops when the bus door opened and Kevin got on board. He stood at the top of the steps leading into the bus for a moment. "What are you chuckleheads doing?" he asked. I pointed at Nick and he looked down. "What in the --" he stepped forward, watched as the purple loop continued it's milky sailing expedition, then reached down and splashed Nick's face with a little of the milk in the bowl.

Nick's eyes blinked open slowly and he lifted his face out of the cereal, milk dripping off his cheek, chin, and nose. An orange loop stuck to his left eyelid. He blinked it off. He looked over at us, then down at the cereal bowl, then back up at us. He bit his lip. "I really wanna make a joke about being a cereal killer but I'm not sure how."

"Long night much?" Howie asked.

Nick thought about it a moment. "I guess so."

"So what did happen last night?" I asked, looking between Nick and Kevin. Nick looked up at Kevin.

"Well let's see," said Kevin slowly, "You," he waved a hand at me, "Show up late to the rehearsal, so AJ and this one," he waved a hand at Nick, "decided that if you could do it, so could they, so they took off after the show to be late for the bus departure. They drank an entire bottle of Jack, which they appear to have stolen from Lou's hotel room, and then proceeded to go and get tattoos."

"I didn't get a tattoo," Nick spoke up.

"Okay correction, AJ got a tattoo. Nick just stood there watching." Kevin sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Nick stared at his bowl, then reached down and plucked one of the loops out and stuck it in his mouth. Kevin reached down and took the bowl and threw it into the sink. "Hey!" Nick snapped, "I'm not done with that yet."

Kevin leaned down. "Nick, so help me God, I get it that you're like going through like puberty or something right now --"

"I hit puberty like forever ago!" Nick objected.

"--and it's really hard on you with all these crazy ass hormones and all the work we've been doing --"

"My balls dropped like years ago you bastard," Nick snapped.

"-- but to go gallavanting off with AJ, when he's been in such a bad space lately--"

"Why do you always treat me like I'm a kid?"

"-- is so immature --"

"I'M NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE! AND NONE OF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK TO ME LIKE I AM!"

"You are a kid Nick, that's what I'm saying!" Kevin bellowed.

"I AM NOT! And you can't make me do things you want me to do that I don't wanna - that includes you, and Johnny, and Lou, and- and- and you," Nick stabbed a finger my direction.

"Me?" I asked, "What'd I make you do that you didn't wanna do?"

Nick looked at Kevin. "Brian had a heart attack on the basket ball court in California last week and he didn't tell nobody." He turned back to me, "That."

Silence fell on the bus between us. Howie stood up. "Well then." He walked quickly to the bathroom and closed the door, obviously uninterested in getting involved.

"I didn't have a heart attack," I said through gritted teeth.

Kevin was looking at me in disbelief.

"My chest was tight, that's all."

Nick was glowering at me, "You've been taking those pills like they're candy and rubbing your chest and being all double-oh-seven about it..."

"Seriously?" Kevin looked concernedly at me.

"No," I lied. "He's just trying to get out of trouble by making you focus on me," I said, pointing at Nick.

"Nick --"

"Oh sure because if Brian says it's not true then clearly I'm the liar," Nick yelled. "'Cos Brian's the grown up, right? Because Brian's so much smarter than me and so much more reliable than me, because when I say stuff nobody fucking listens." He stood up. He looked at me, "Maybe your chest hurts cos your heart died... 'cos you sure don't seem to have one anymore." He walked away.

"Nickolas Gene Carter..." Kevin went after him.

I sank into the seat Howie had vacated and rubbed my hands over my eyes.