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Chapter Thirteen


To say things were tense after that argument would be the understatement of the century. Nick wouldn't even look at me once Kevin had coaxed him out of his hiding place and Howie was walking on eggshells the rest of the evening. AJ was in a foul mood once we found him - turned out he'd spent the morning getting chewed out by Lou and Johnny. Kevin was frustrated with me for not telling him about the problem I was having. Every one of us had beef with the others for something - other than, as I said, poor Howie, who was kind of like Sweden getting dragged into the center of World War two and trying desperately to stay neuteral.

We were in the dressing room by the time my parents caught up with me and my mother was kissing my cheek like crazy and telling me about all the girls they'd seen. My father voiced his disapproval over one girl with a poster board declaring she wanted to have my babies. My mom had brought cookies, though, which gathered the attention of the other guys because my mom makes the best cookies in the entire world and they were all quite aware of the magic that was her chocolate chips.

I saw Kevin glancing at me as though he was trying to decide how much of what Nick told him was true and how much of it he should repeat to my parents. I tried to send telepathic messages to both him and Nick, begging them not to say anything to them at all. The last thing my parents needed was to worry about me. Consequently, I fell into my usual patterns of hyperactivity and joke-slinging.

Lou came shoving into the dressing room. "Okay all five of you need to get your lazy asses onto the stage," he grunted before noticing my parents. His eyes registered slight panic, then he casually extended his hand, "Hello Jackie, Harry," he said nodding and shaking my dad's hand.

My father had that classic look of disapproval on his face. "Hello Mr. Pearlman," he said. He glanced at the door. I could tell he was wondering if Lou always talked to us like that.

"I apologize for my language," said Lou, picking up on the same cues I was. "It's been a long night, I hope you will forgive me."

My mother nodded.

"The boys need to do their final preps for the stage, though," he said apologetically, "We're running behind schedule a little."

"It's fine," my father answered, "Just a moment with Brian, please."

Lou nodded, though I could tell he was less than pleased. "Of course," he replied. He glanced around at the other guys. Nick was just shoving a cookie into his mouth, and he choked on them as Lou put a hand firmly on his back, pushing him toward the door. "Come on you four," he commanded, and he pushed his way out of the room.

"Thank you for the snacks, Aunt Jackie," Kevin said, before he ducked out the door.

When the door closed behind him, my father looked at me. "Does he always speak to you boys like that?" he asked.

I shrugged, "He's had a rough week."

My father's concern showed, but he didn't say anything more.

My mother kissed my face. "Oh my Baby Duck, I'm so excited to see your show."

"I'm glad ya'll came," I said, smiling.

She patted my hand. "Will we see you after the show?" she asked.

"I really won't have time unfortunately," I replied. "We're going to Detroit next, and we have to drive there overnight."

My father frowned. "You look tired," he said.

"Well you figure since I saw you on Christmas I've only had one day off," I pointed out.

"Against labor laws," he muttered.

I laughed, "I don't know that labor laws apply to being a pop star, Dad."

"Well maybe they should," he replied.

"Maybe they should," I agreed.

On stage, we did our best but again the group chemistry just wasn't there because we were all pissed off at each other. Again, the fans didn't notice but I sure did. After the show, we were whisked away quickly to the tour bus and were back on the road headed north. At the gas station we stopped to fill up the bus, I borrowed Johnny's cell phone and left a message on my parents' answering machine, just telling them I was sorry I didn't have more time and promising I'd be back in town soon with more time. Though I didn't know when that time would be or how I would secure it.

Once the bus was filled and back on the road, the five of us went straight to our bunks, where as we normally would've sat and watched a movie or something together. We were in no mood to stare at each other's ugly mugs, though, so we split apart and drew the curtains on our bunks and called it a night.

It was probably three in the morning when I woke up from that same horrible dream I'd had with Lou ripping out my heart. I lay in my bunk staring up at the ceiling, wishing I could get back to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, it all played out again. So I'd been awake for quite some time when I heard Nick get up. The fridge opened and shut and I heard him pour a bowl of cereal. Nobody else in the bus moved.

I drew a deep breath and rolled out of my bunk, closing the door to the bunks behind me as I plodded into the tiny kitchenette area of the bus. Nick was sitting at the table, pushing Fruit Loops around in a bowl. The milk sat on the table in front of him. He looked up as the door to the bunks clicked shut. "Hi," he said quietly.

"Hi," I replied. I opened the cupboard and pulled out a second bowl and a spoon and sat across from him. I poured myself some Fruit Loops, too, and poured milk on them. We sat in silence for a long time, chewing, staring at each other.

"I'm sorry I said your heart died," Nick said after a long moment.

"I'm sorry you fele like we aren't listening to you," I said.

Nick looked down at his bowl. A long moment passed, and then I saw a single tear roll slowly across his cheek. He looked up at me, sucking his lips into his mouth and his nose flared. His blue eyes glistened. "Brian," he said quietly, his voice barely a whisper, "There's this thing... this thing going on and I dunno how to talk to about it..."

"What's the matter, Frack?" I asked.

Nick swallowed. "I - I -" he paused. He held his breath for a moment, thinking, and let it out with a slightly strangled sound. "Lou's not a good person, Brian."

"Because he yells?" I asked.

Nick looked me in the eyes.

Over the next hour, Nick and I spoke about things he'd been bottling up over the last five years. Sometimes, I realized, it hurts being let in on things and we try to protect the people we love most from the pain we're feeling, but it only makes it harder on ourselves. Nick was right, I hadn't been listening the way I should've or I would've taken the clues he'd delivered and put it together. I would've been better at being there for him through the hard times.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you before."

Nick shook his head, "You're hurting, too. You have your own things you aren't saying."

I nodded. "But you're my Frack," I replied.

"And you're my Frick..." Nick replied. I smiled. His brows stitched together, "You won't tell the anyone, right?"

It was like the ultimate form of role-reversal. Except I wouldn't crack during an argument. This truly wasn't mine to tell. "I won't," I answered.

Nick sighed and leaned back against the seat, his Fruit Loops long gone. "We're best friends, right Brian?" he asked.

"Of course," I replied. "Always."

Nick nodded. "Brian?"

"Yeah?"

He leaned forward now and he put a hand on my arm, his eyes very, very serious. "Even if you can't tell me about what's going on with you and your heart, I think somebody needs to know, you know?" he stared into my eyes. "You can't do it alone. You know?"

I nodded.

Nick drew back. "I mean I hope you'll pick me because I like being your best friend that knows everything but..."

"After all the stress you had not telling everyone about the b-ball court?" I teased.

Nick laughed. "Okay so I'm a weak link. But I'm a weak link that likes knowing you're okay."

"I'm okay, Nick," I replied.

"Promise?"

"Yes," I answered, "I promise."

It was well after 4:30 when we crawled back into our bunks. Nick leaned over the side of his, his hair hanging off his head as he stared into mine. "Thanks," he said quietly, voice scarcely above a whisper, "For listening to me." He disappeared up top and I rolled over, staring out the window at the dark landscape beyond passing us by mile by mile, the sun just starting to peek and turn everything a slight gold color.

I thought about the words Nick had said, about telling someone about it, even if it wasn't one of the fellas, and by the time we reached Detroit, I'd made a decision that I knew I needed to act on in order to carry it out. When we got into the hotel room, Kevin took a shower and I called Leighanne.

"When I come to Tampa next week," I said to her, "I need to see you. I need to talk to you. It's important."

"Okay," she agreed.

We made plans to meet at a restaurant in Tampa on the 19th, and I hung up with her before Kevin was out of the shower because I didn't want to tell her about all the fights and all the crazy things going on in my world just yet, and I knew if I stayed on the line too long she'd ask questions about what I wanted to talk to her about, and eventually she would get the truth out of me.

At the meet and greet that afternoon, every fan marvelled over AJ's tattoo, while Lou stood back, looking infuritated every time it was mentioned. AJ was still being distant from me, but he seemed to be okay talking to Nick, whose hyperactivity had returned and he was chattering away about Lord knows what. Kevin pulled me aside at one point and asked how I managed to make him relax after the argument the night before and I answered that I'd just listened to him.

When Lou interrupted the meet and greet and led us away, I felt protective over Nick when he put a hand on Nick's back. I saw Nick close his eyes and step forward quicker and wondered how it hadn't been obvious what was going on, how I hadn't seen it before.

We had pizza in the dressing room before the concert, and Howie spilled Dr. Pepper on his lap, which helped to break down the tension among us even more. It felt good to be laughing again as we all sopped the sticky mess up from the floor and AJ cracked dirty jokes about it and Nick laughed loudly. By the time we got on stage, we almost felt normal again and it was a really good feeling.

After the show it was off to the airport to head to Florida. The bus was going to meet us in DC later in the week, but it was nonsense to drive it all the way down to Florida just to drive it back up. We took only carry on bags with us to Florida, rather than checking bags for a four day departure from our stuff.

Kevin grabbed my arm once we'd gotten through security. "Are we still on for ring shopping tomorrow?" he asked.

"Sure," I replied.

We boarded the plane and Nick rambled about getting to spend the night at home with his family since we were in Tampa for a couple days. He was looking forward to seeing his siblings and his parents, who were picking him up at the airport. Johnny was giving him strict directions to be back to the venue in Tampa bright and early on the twentieth, and Nick eagerly said he would be, though I was pretty sure he was gonna be a little more bright and less early.

Outside the terminal, Nick was hauling his bags across the airport. His mother was waiting a few feet away when I stopped him and turned him to face me. "Look," I said, "That thing we talked about last night? Remember how you said for me to tell someone?" he nodded. "You need to tell someone too."

Nick stared at me for a long moment. "You want me to tell my parents."

"Yes," I replied.

He licked his lips. "Okay."

"Thanks."

Nick nodded. "See ya Tuesday," he said, and he bounded off, carrying his bags in the direction of his mother.

Kevin came up behind me, "I'm glad you two made up," he said.

I nodded, "Me too."

"So what's been bothering him?" he asked.

I shrugged.

We all headed out to the shuttle that was taking us to the hotel and this time, sans Nick, we broke evenly into two pairs, much to Howie's discontent since he was now spoiled by having had the single hotel room. Kevin and I agreed to get a little rest before going ring shopping, and we laid down and soon fell asleep.

When Kev woke me up, I took some aspirin because despite the load off my shoulders with Nick and I no longer fighting, I still felt tight. He eyed the Bayer bottle on the counter in the bathroom when he was in there brushing his teeth and looked at me. "You aren't really taking those as often as Nick made it sound, right?"

"You know Nick," I said, "He exaggerates."

Kevin nodded and spit foamy paste into the sink and swished a capful of Listerine around, too. "Well as long as you're not really taking them that much, I don't care what Nick has to say about it."

I tried not to look guilty.

We wandered around and found some fantastic rings within our price range, but I still wasn't seeing anything that looked like Leighanne, and I didn't end up getting one. Kevin, however, found one that he stood staring into for quite some time. He turned toward me, holding it out between his thumb and forefinger. "Does this look like it says forever?" he asked.

"That's usually what Diamonds say," I quipped.

Kevin stared down at it for a long moment. "I want it to be perfect," he whispered, voice scarcely audiable at all. He studied it, turned it and studied it some more. He contemplated so long that I had time to leave the store, go get a pretzel at the food court across the hall, and get back before he even noticed I'd left. After seemed like decades, Kevin drew a deep breath and looked at the poor cashier who looked like she might throw up if he changed his mind, and he said, "I'll take this one please."

I watched as he paid for the ring, a nervous look on his face as he handed over a huge chunk of the money he'd made as a Backstreet Boy. I stayed a few feet away, staring in the glass case for anything that looked perfect, but even up close nothing magically screamed Leighanne to me.

"You sure you didn't see anything?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm positive," I answered.

We were headed back to the hotel when something occurred to me. "Vintage," I whispered.

"What?" Kevin looked over. He'd been staring down at the ring, the paperwork certifying the diamond authentic sitting sprawled across his lap.

I leaned forward to the driver. "Are there any antique jewelry stores around here?" I asked.