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Chapter Twenty-Six


I didn't go straight home from Dr. Carlsbad's office. After signing another round of AMA forms, I got in my SUV and drove around Lexington for awhile in silence. I found myself biting the loose skin at the knuckles of my free hand as I drove and thought and tried to figure out what in the hell I was going to tell my mother, father, and Leighanne when I got back to the house. As the daylight was turning to dusk, I parked my car in the lot behind Tates Creek Highschool and stood on the edge of the football field. I stared at the green sea around me and I thought about Nick with his grass audience that he'd told me about and I thought about my heart working overtime and the frightened expression that had filled Dr. Carlsbad's eyes when he'd told me.

I walked out to the middle of the field, looking at the bleachers. How many times had I sat in those bleachers, envious of various jocks who weren't overprotected by well meaning parents? How many times had I sat and watched my high school crush - a cheerleader named Jessica - wave her pompoms and dance across these sidelines? My first kiss had been under the bleachers at the far end of the field, behind a Pepsi pop machine. I'd stood on this field and performed with BSB; I'd graduated here just a few years before; I'd breathed and dreamed Tates Creek High school everyday for years of my life.

Somehow it was comforting that, no matter how famous I was, no matter how overworked or overtired or close to collapsing I ever became, Tates Creek Highschool was still here. Just like my mom was still there, like my dad. Like I hoped Leighanne would be.

I dropped onto the grass, laying on my back, staring up at the dark midnight blue sky, the pinpricks of star light gleaming down all pale and pretty. I spread my arms out on either side of me and just felt the cool grass on my back, breathing in and out, allowing my mind to fade out of clarity, just spending a few moments without thinking at all.

My mother was on the front porch by the time I arrived home and had gotten out of my car. It was dark, well past nine o'clock, and she had that worried look on her face. "Where have you been?" she demanded, "I've been worried sick out of my mind!" she threw her arms around me.

And I realized there was no way I could tell her what was wrong.

"I was out with some guys," I said, "I haven't seen'em since high school, it was crazy. I'm sorry I didn't call."

She frowned, "You damn should be," she snapped, "Your fiance is a nervous wreck you know."

Leighanne was standing in the doorway, looking scared as well. "You're okay," she said, hugging me, too, when we got to the porch. "What happened?"

I gave her a meaningful look. "I met some guys," I said. I hoped she understood that meant I'd talk to her later. That would give me time to think of what I wanted to tell her as well.

My mother insisted that I eat, even though I wasn't hungry, and she all but chained me to the couch to watch TV with them for an hour or so before Dad announced he was tired and they went to bed. Leighanne and I were left sitting on the TV, the screen flashing before us. I heard their bedroom door upstairs close.

"What happened?" Leighanne repeated her earlier question.

"I talked to Dr. Carlsbad," I replied, "He did some tests." I shrugged, trying to remin nonchalant.

Leighanne shifted so she was looking up at me. The canary yellow diamond had returned to her hand, and I felt much better seeing it there. I found myself reaching for her hand and playing with the ring on her finger. "And?" she asked.

I shrugged, and told her about the visit in as vague a manner as possible. "Nothing I haven't heard before, nothing that wasn't possible before, nothing I haven't heard all my life," I answered.

She studied me. "Did he give you medicine to fix it?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I need surgery," I replied slowly, "But not yet."

Her eyes widened. "When?"

I looked at that diamond. "After the tour."

Leighanne thought for a moment, "The doctor said you don't need it until after the tour?" she clarified.

I swallowed. "Well I mean it's not gonna be that big of a difference--"

"Brian," she snapped. I looked into her eyes. "If you need a surgery now, you need to get the surgery now," she said.

"I'm going to get it as soon as I can," I replied. I kissed her forehead. "As soon as I can, babe."

Leighanne shook her head, "You can't do a whole tour with this hanging over your head," she said firmly. "You need to talk to Lou, and get this done as soon as possible."

"I know..." I said.

"I wanna get really old with you," she said, clutching my hand. "I wanna get old and I wanna sit on a porch with rocking chairs like we said. I want to have children with you and I want to bake you birthday cakes with hundreds of candles on top."

I kissed her head and rested my cheek against her.

"Brian, promise me you'll go as soon as you possibly can?"

"I promise," I answered. And at the time I really had every intention of keeping the promise.

The next day, we had a flight back to Florida, and then on to Negril, Jamaica for the MTV Spring Break appearance. Lou was avoiding us like crazy and sent us down with just Johnny once again, as he'd done for Sanremo, which really pissed Johnny off.

"I really need to talk to Lou," I told Johnny in the airport when I found out Lou wasn't coming along on the trip.

"Trust me, so do I," Johnny snapped, "But we don't always get what we want." He turned away from me and continued on his phone.

The fellas were also all on edge, which was weird for us when we'd just come back from a break. Usually it was exciting, but the plane ride to Jamaica seemed to be laced with irritation and annoyance. Nick kept glancing across the cabin at Leighanne and I as we flew, a sour expression on his face.

When we landed in Jamaica - and had been profusely welcomed - we were carried off in a van to the hotel and subsequently onto the site of MTV Spring Break, which was essentially a giant beach party. A beach party with tons of alcohol and very, very little clothes. We stood at the edge of it, staring in like looking over the edge into the pits of hell.

"Oh my fucking God," Kevin whispered.

"I know," I agreed.

"IT'S THE FUCKING MECCA!" AJ bellowed.

"That girl has no - no - no - no t-top on," I squeaked. I realized Leighanne was standing beside me and quickly covered my eyes. "Not that I noticed or anything, I mean --" Leighanne laughed.

"I love this place," Nick declared.

Howie pointed to a tiki hut. "I'm going to get a drink," he announced.

"What's the drinking age here?" Nick questioned.

"Seriously, like they're checking IDs," AJ rolled his eyes.

Kevin sighed, "I'm going to regret this. It's eighteen."

"What? Seriously?" Nick's jaw had dropped. Kevin nodded. "DUDE!!! WAIT UP D!" Nick shouted and he bounded after Howie.

"See-ya bitches!" AJ yelled, running after Nick.

Kevin sighed. "They should make pills for dealing with those two."

"They're called blood pressure meds," I answered. "I have extra in my bag."

Kevin grumbled something, though I didn't quite catch what, then waved. "I'm off to keep an eye on those two idiots. See y'all later at the hotel." He disappeared amongst the crowd, headed toward the tiki where I could see Nick was already the proud owner of a neon blue drink the size of the Mohave Desert.

I turned to Leighanne, "Want to go find some place quiet?"

"Oh you read my mind," she laughed. "No offense to topless bikini girls, but they're not my cup of tea."

We turned and hailed a cab and headed into the town. It wasn't a huge town, but it had some gorgeous views and it was hotter than Hades itself. We found a little bar that was basically deserted except for a few middle-aged couples. Leighanne laughed as we dropped into seats at the bar and pulled her hair up, "Is this what we've already come to?" she asked, looking around.

"At least everybody's dressed," I laughed. I looked around, too. "And thank God for that."

We each ordered a drink and a shot, did the shots quickly to take the edge off and started sipping our drinks as a sheen of sweat formed across our brows. We talked and laughed. When Backstreet's Back came on the radio, along with the DJ announcing that we were in town and had been spotted at Spring Break, Leighanne held out her hand to me, "If you aren't gonna ask me to dance, then I will ask you."

We got up and moved to the dance floor, laughing as I attempted to teach her the Everybody dance choreography. We were practically in tears we were having so much fun. I twirled her and she leaned into my chest as we moved, oblivious to the other people in the room watching us and whispering to each other as they realized who I was.

I was hesitant to leave when it was time to head back to the hotel, but Leighanne led the way, laughing and humming Backstreet's Back under her breath. She gave me an alcohol flavored kiss and we tumbled into a cab for the return ride. The hotel had a breath taking view of the ocean and Leighanne and I were lucky enough to even have a window facing it. She opened the blinds wide and we watched the moon reflect off the gentle waves until I couldn't take being in the same room with her any longer before kissing her.

We were just about to take a shower together - I was kissing her, pressed against the wall in the bathroom - when a firm, heavy knock came against my door. "I'll see what they want and be right there," I said, planting kisses against Leighanne's neck.

"You better," she whispered.

I pulled back, tugged the bathroom door closed behind me, and looked out the peephole into the hallway. It was Kevin. I opened the door and stepped out, making sure the door didn't shut and lock behind me. "Kev," I said, "I'm kinda busy right now, can you come back in like an hour or something?"

Kevin sighed, "Nick's missing."

"What?"

"Nick, he took off from the Spring Break party and I don't know where he is."

I shrugged, "What do you want me to do about it?" I asked. I hadn't meant it to sound like a jerk thing to say, just as a general question. Somehow it came off jerky.

Kevin tossed his hands in the air, "I don't fucking know Brian, maybe give a shit?"

"I do give a shit," I said, "I do. He doesn't seem to lately, but I certainly do." I ran a hand through my hair, "But seriously I don't know where he is, Kev, he won't even speak to me one-on-one, okay?"

Kevin shook his head, "This is getting ridiculous," he commented.

"What is?" I asked.

"You and Nick, fighting; AJ drinking 24/7..." he sighed, "It's just fucked is all. It's not okay." He massaged his temples for a second, then looked up at me. "It's just - I feel -" He paused. "Fuck it. Forget it." He turned and started to walk away.

"You aren't his dad, Kev," I said to his retreating back, "You aren't his dad and the more you try to be, the worse it's gonna get."

He didn't respond.

"What's going on?" Leighanne asked when I got back into the hotel room, sticking her head out of the shower stall.

"Nick's missing, I guess he left the party earlier and nobody knows where he took off to," I replied. Though the words were coming out of my mouth, I could barely hear myself because Leighanne's shape was nearly visible through the frosted glass of the shower stall. Steam poured out around her.

She frowned, "He's missing? That can't be good."

"Him and AJ disappeared in Hollywood last month," I said, still staring at her shape. "They were getting in shit then, too."

Leighanne sighed. "I feel so bad for him. Don't you?"

"Uh huh."

She looked at my eyes, followed my gaze, realized what I was staring at and made a clucking sound with her tongue, then disappeared into the shower again.

I know I should've been more concerned about Nick and his whereabouts at that moment but honestly I was transfixed. Plus I knew even if I had some magic tracking device that would lead me right to Nick, he still wouldn't talk to me - and anything he said would only hurt more than help the situation. It would only lead to me saying things I really didn't need to be saying... So I jumped in with Leighanne and we had a really wonderful night during which I pushed Nick out of my mind as completely as possible.

The next morning, I was getting eggs from the hotel breakfast when Kevin appeared at my side. "If you give a damn," he said, "Nick is fine."

"Of course I give a damn," I replied, rolling my eyes. "Where was he?"

"He got drunk and passed out on the beach," Kevin answered. "Security found him a couple hours after I stopped by your room." He sighed. "Him and AJ both got so drunk yesterday... I'm really worried about them. Both of them."

I thought about the conversation AJ and I had held in the bathroom that one night back in January and I nodded, agreeing with Kevin's statement. "I've been worried for awhile now," I answered.

"You need to talk to Nick," he said firmly.

"I didn't do anything wrong," I answered, "Not really. I told his mom about -- something -- but he told me that he'd already told her..."

Kevin stared at me for a second, "Does this have something to do with her suing Lou Pearlman?" he asked.

I choked and dropped a cup of orange juice. It hit the floor and the juice sprayed every which way, pooling out around my feet the way blood might. "What?" I asked.

"Jane Carter," Kevin replied, ignoring the juice spreading across the tiled floor, "She's threatening to sue Lou and nobody knows why."

"Since when?" I demanded.

"Couple days ago..." Kevin paused, "Oh that's right you were up in Kentucky, you probably didn't hear." He shrugged. "I've been trying to figure out what the hell was up with that because I haven't actually heard a reason for attempting to sue him, and Nick won't talk about it..."

A hotel employee nudged me out of the way and started mopping up my orange juice. I felt kinda dazed. Nick was probably freaking out over this. I pushed around Kevin, toting my plate of eggs, and rode the elevator up to our floor. I knocked on Nick and AJ's door and waited. After a long pause, the door slowly opened and Nick stood before me, his eyes blood shot, hair sticking up in odd places, shirt wrinkled. He stared at me for a long moment, glanced down at my eggs, and said, "What do you want?"

"Kevin just told me," I said, "About your mom. She's suing Lou?"

Nick rolled his eyes and started to slam the door, but I caught it. "Wait," I said, "Please."

"Why, so you can fuck my life up worse then you already have this week?" he demanded. "Bri do you know how embarassing it is having my mom asking me all kinds of personal sex shit?" He shook his head and started to close the door again so I wedged my foot to keep it open.

"Why did you lie to me, about telling her before?" I asked.

Nick sighed, "Because."

"Because what?"

"Because you didn't need to be worrying about me and my problems and you seemed worried and you seemed like it would help if you weren't the only person that knew or something. I dunno."

I licked my lips. "Nick, when I was sitting there waiting for you to come out and it was all awkward silence between me and your mum, I only brought it up because I thought she knew already, and then I just wanted her to know that you didn't want her and your dad fighting about it, that's all."

Nick stared at his feet. He looked up after a long pause. "I get that, but you still shouldn't have been talking to her or anybody else about it. I don't care if you think they know or what I told you about it." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Brian, sometimes I tell you shit and I don't want anyone else knowing it."

"I understand."

He shrugged, "I don't know what else to say to you at this point," he said.

I sighed, "You're still my Frack, right?"

He shrugged, "I guess."

"Don't sound so enthusiastic about it," I teased.

Nick's eyes met mine, "I'm sorry," he said. "Sometimes its hard to take back things you say." He backed up into the room. "I'll see you tonight." He closed the door on me and my plate of now cold eggs.

I didn't bother going to get more breakfast. I went back to the hotel room Leighanne and I were sharing. I found a note saying she'd gone down to the pool. I chucked the eggs and the dirty plate they were on into the trash bin and I sank onto the bed and closed my eyes, squeezing tears to keep them inside of me.