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Chapter Twenty-Eight


Lou closed the door behind me as I walked into his hotel room. I turned to face him as he lumbered towards me, his face red with irritation. "What the hell is so damn important it couldn't wait until a better time?" he demanded roughly. He moved past me and started shovelling paperwork he'd been processing - it looked like financial stuff - into a briefcase, which he snapped closed quickly the moment he realized I was looking that direction. "You wanted to talk, so talk."

I drew a deep breath. "Lou, when I got home from Sanremo, I had an appointment at my cardiologist." I paused, expecting him to ask why or what was wrong or to at least look worried. Instead, I got a dead-pan stare without a flicker of emotion. So I continued, "He said that I need surgery."

There was an extremely long, silent pause between us as I waited for Lou to respond and he waited for -- I don't know what he was waiting for. He just stared at me. Finally, after probably a minute of solid silence, he said, "And what in the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"I need surgery," I repeated, "And I need it as soon as possible. My heart is literally swelling to the size of an NFL linebacker and every moment I wait the tear in my sternum gets worse."

Lou shrugged, "So get the fucking surgery."

"Well I need time to get the surgery done and to recover," I replied.

Lou turned and walked over to a chair in the corner. Lowering himself into it, he muttered, "Just let me know how long it's going to take," he said, "So I can clear your schedule."

I felt elation melt over me. I couldn't form words, could barely breathe. Seriously? It was that easy? He must've been just having a bad day the first time I'd discussed this topic with him. Must've rethought it. Maybe the seriousness of me having spoken to a doctor, of the idea of surgery, had made him realize how important this was.

"Thank you," I said, "I'll book a plane to Kentucky for right after the benefit show and --"

"I hardly think 24-hours will be enough time to have a surgery and recover, Mr. Littrell," Lou said. He pulled the ottoman closer and put the briefcase on it, popping it open.

"But you just said you'd clear my schedule," I said, confused.

"After Europe, yes. I can't cancel already booked dates," he said, "But I'll keep your schedule clear for a week or two --"

"Week or two?!"

"-- after Europe," Lou finished, ignoring my outburst. He put on a pair of reading glasses and looked down at the contents of his briefcase, seeming to dismiss me.

"Lou, we're in Europe until the end of April!" I exclaimed.

He stared at me.

"I need to get this done like now," I said.

Lou lowered his glasses, "Brian you clearly have no idea what it takes to cancel a concert. How much money we -- you -- lose by doing so."

"Don't get me started on finances Lou," I snapped.

Lou raised an eyebrow. He cleared his throat, took the classes off completely, laying them in the briefcase, and stood up. "Perhaps I'm not making myself clear," he said, voice low. "It costs thousands of dollars to cancel a show - thousands. Not to mention postpone an entire tour." He shook his head. "You are not dying yet," he said. He sat back down.

"I have to be dying to make my heart worth stopping a tour for?" I demanded.

Lou put his glasses back on and looked down at his paperwork.

"Some money is worth more to you than my life?"

"Of course not," he answered. He looked up again and sighed. "Brian don't you understand? This is what you've been working for for years." He shook his head, "I don't wanna see you throw it away carelessly. I know your surgery is important, trust me I know that, but I also know this tour is important. You aren't dying yet," he said. He shrugged, "Is it so horrible of me that I don't want you to go off and get surgery and have no career to come back to?"

I rubbed my arm. "But --"

"You're in good shape, Brian," Lou said, "I just don't see how one more month will really hurt you."

I stepped into the hall five minutes later and pulled Lou's room door shut behind me. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall outside, my heart pounding in my chest, breathing in and out, which was a lot more work than it sounds like it should be.

"BRok?"

I opened my eyes. AJ and Nick were standing a couple feet away. AJ was looking at me with concern, Nick was actively trying not to look at me.

"You okay?" AJ asked.

I shook my head.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Nick looked over, a half of a spark of curiosity in his eyes.

"It doesn't matter," I replied. I walked away.

"Brian?" AJ called after me as I opened my hotel room door. "Jesus, what the fuck is up his ass?" I heard him ask Nick before I closed the door.

"I dunno," Nick answered, "He's been a real dick lately."

I closed the door and took a deep breath.

"Brian?" Leighanne called out, "How'd it go?"

I sat down next to her on the bed, tucking myself around her body. "I feel like you're the only person in the entire world that cares," I whispered. Leighanne let out a slow breath. I felt her tense up, about to say something about Lou or something, and I shook my head against her shoulder, "Don't say it," I said quietly. "Please. Just let me hold you."

The next morning, as I got ready for the day working with the fellas, I stared myself down in the mirror as I swallowed my wide array of meds and about four glasses of water. I wasn't gonna take any shit from any of them - especially not Nick - and Lou might think he was bossing me around, forcing me to do the European leg of the tour, but he was wrong. I was choosing to stay through Europe, an investment in my career, and then, no matter what, I was gonna get home and get my surgery done right afterwards. Then, if something did happen, if I did die on the table during my operation, at least I wouldn't be known as the Backstreet Boy who quit. I would not be the one who whined about my chest hurting. I would be the strong one, the one who moved forward even through all the pain I was feeling. I'd be that happy kid in cardio again.

I'd be Batman.

"You could just walk out," Leighanne said, watching as I pulled on my shirt.

"Just walk away?" I asked from inside my t-shirt. I tugged my head through the hole. "I can't just walk away. If I walk away, I'm forfeiting everything."

She shook her head, "No you aren't. You're saving your own life is what you're doing if you walk away. Brian, your fans are loyal. Even if you get thrown out of Backstreet somehow - which I don't see how - your fans aren't gonna let you disappear out of the music industry. You'll get a better contract somewhere else or something. You can sing solo."

"Backstreet isn't just a band," I said to her, "It's a family." I thought of the moment I'd said those same words to Nick and a pang of regret went through my heart, a brief moment of doubt in which I wondered how family like we were now. But I shook it off. "I can't just walk away."

She stared up at me as I shoved deoderant under my arms. "What if you get worse? What if there's no warning and you just --- die?" she asked.

"I'm not gonna die," I replied. I capped my deoderant and walked over, kissed her forehead. "I'm gonna live. I'm gonna grow old with you." I smiled down at her. "I just gotta do this small tour real quick first then I'll go get the surgery done and everything will be fine."

She sighed.

"Babe," I said. I sat down and lifted her hand to my mouth. I pressed a kiss against it. "Don't doubt it okay? We're gonna be okay."

Leighanne's eyes were dangerously filled, so close to tears that they shimmered. "You better be, mister."

I felt my throat start to close up. No, I said, as I felt my eyes begin to mist over. I jumped to my feet and grabbed my wallet off the nightstand, shoved it into my pocket. "I'll be back," I said.

Downstairs with the other guys, I avoided eye contact with Lou, Nick, or AJ, and climbed into the waiting van, sitting between Howie and Kevin. Kevin looked over at me as he buckled his seat belt. "What's up?" he asked.

"Nothing," I answered.

Howie looked over, too. "Something," he replied.

"Nothing," I answered.

It was a long day. I mean it was unbelievable - we were on the set of Saturday Night Live for crying outloud! The afternoon was filled with cast photoshoots, and looking over scripts and talking about cues and everything. AJ and Howie fell over each other trying to impress Julianne Moore, while Nick was far more excited to meet Molly Shannon. We spent the night laughing, and for a couple minutes we almost seemed like we were getting along, like maybe things were okay. We did our performances, and watched the show from the sidelines. It was a great show, so many hilarious skits my sides ached by the time we were done.

After the show, we went back to the hotel to collect our bags and pick up Leighanne and it was off to the airport to fly back to Orlando for the relief concert the next night. "I strongly encourage you all to sleep on the plane," Lou said as he handed out our tickets, "We're gonna have a long ass day tomorrow and it wraps with an overnight flight to Dublin."

"I don't know how you Boys do this all the time," Leighanne said with a yawn. "I slept all day while you were off with the guys and I'm still exhausted."

I laughed. "It takes some serious balls to be a Backstreet Boy," I said.

"Or at least a case of insomnia," she laughed.

On the flight to Florida, I tried my best to sleep but every time I closed my eyes and started to drift off, I found myself in that dream where I was laying on the stage and I ripped myself out of it before Lou could descend on my heart. I didn't think I could take that dream again. Not tonight, not now that I knew about my heart.

I glanced around the plane and my eyes connected with Nick's - who was also looking over at me. He looked sad. As soon as he realized I was looking back, he looked away.

When the plane landed in Orlando, I was so tired I could've fallen asleep on a bed of tacks. Instead, though, I was herded, along with the other fellas, out of the terminal to a waiting shuttle, which brought us to Universal Studios, where we were going to be doing the show a little after noon outside the Hard Rock Cafe.

Because Johnny was involved, several other bands he worked with or had contacts with were also booked, including NSYNC. Nick kept shooting irritated glances Justin Timberlake's way. Because they were both considered "the heartthrob", he seemed to have taken some sort of personal vendetta against the guy. I mean his hair was a really ridiculous, but then again so was Nick's and AJ's so I had nothing against him. After all, he was being managed by Johnny and Lou, too. He was probably going through just as much bullcrap as we were.

I wondered if any of those guys could get time off if they had to have a heart surgery.

It might be exaggerating to say that half of Florida turned out for the event, I don't know, but it seemed like half of Florida was gathered in front of Hard Rock by eleven in the morning. We all ate lunch and ran through vocal warm-ups inside the restaurant and when the time came, we went out and did what we do best. But there was something more - something special about the show - something that I can't quite explain except to say that, despite how freaking exhausted I was, I knew I was helping to change lives, helping to save people whose lives had been devestated. And maybe I was just one guy and maybe I couldn't do a hell of a lot as far as dictating my own schedule and stuff, but if I could change just one life by singing, then I was going to put my entire heart and soul into the performance.

I think all five of us felt that way.

As soon as we stepped off the stage, we were whisked off to the airport yet again. It was dizzying, worse even than the travel in Canada had been. In four days' time I'd been in Jamaica, New York, Florida, and soon Ireland. It was crazy.

At the airport, while we were waiting to board the plane, Leighanne and I were talking quietly when Lou sat down across from us. I could feel him staring at us as we talked. It took Leighanne a moment longer to notice, and when she did she turned to face him. The warmth in her eyes melted away as she looked at him.

"We need to talk," Lou said carefully, "About what we're going to be telling the fanbase about you two."

Leighanne's brow shifted. "What?"

I cleared my throat, "Can't we do this later?" I asked.

Lou continued on, as though I hadn't asked, "It's simply unacceptable that you Boys be anything but single guys on this tour," he said, "Your fans depend on you being single."

"They depend on him being single, how exactly?" Leighanne asked.

"Sex sells, sweetie," Lou replied.

"Don't call me Sweetie," Leighanne growled.

"And it's important that we sell right now," Lou continued, ignoring her. "If they see you as anything but available, the fanbase may decrease and hurt your sales and your chances of success."

I looked down at my knees.

"It could make the revenue decrease," Lou added, "Which means you'd get paid less."

"Paid less?" Leighanne snarled. "Paid less than what? The going payrate in a sweatshop?"

"Excuse me?" Lou looked at her with irritation.

"Minimum wage is bullshit," she snapped.

"Leighanne," I said, reaching for her hand.

"No Brian! No. Everyone's so scared of telling you what they think of you and your so called business," Leighanne said hotly, "Well I'm not. I'm not contracted to you and I don't have to listen to you. You're an old, perverted bastard and you don't deserve to work with these Boys. You don't deserve their respect and their allegience." She stood up, "You deserve to rot in hell, Mr. Pearlman." And she stormed away.

I swallowed a lump rising in my throat. I started to stand up to go after her, but Lou barked, "SIT DOWN," and I dropped into my seat again. He licked his lip. "You've got yourself a hot ticket there, Brian," he said, "Maybe you should get her a muzzle."

I scowled. "Don't talk about her like that," I said.

"You need to learn how to control your woman," Lou laughed. He took a deep breath, "Look, I tell you this for her sake as much as mine and yours," he said slowly, "You don't know what jealous women are like."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lou shrugged, "I'm just saying that there's no telling what fans who are jealous will do," he said.

I stood up. "If you're quite finished --"

"You should say she's your cousin if you're asked," he said. I shook my head and started walking away. "It's for her own safety, Brian!" Lou called after me, "I really just want what's best for everyone!"

I found Leighanne sitting at a cafe table not too far away. She was ripping up a napkin from the holder and staring at the pile of shreds she'd made. I sat down across from her and she looked up. "I'm sorry," she said, "That man just disgusts me. Especially after you told me about Nick and what he said to you and --" she shook her head. "I can't stand him."

"I know," I said.

Leighanne looked into my eyes, "He treats you guys like crap and you just let him. You all just let him."

"Well he's our manager."

"Exactly. He's your manager. You employ him. He depends on you just as much if not more than you depend on him. Remember that."

I sighed, "He's practically family at this point," I argued. "It's not as black-and-white as you make it sound."

"Family," she said, "Does not destroy one another the way he destroys you."

"He's just trying to help," I said quietly.

"Help?" Leighanne scoffed.

"He's worried about what the fans will do if you and I go public with the engagement," I said slowly, "He's just trying to protect you really. He's just trying to help."

"Right. Help." She shook her head, "Yeah, Brian, and he's also trying to help Nick by molesting him, he's trying to help you by not letting you get your surgery. I'm sure he's helping AJ, Howie, and Kevin in some way. And he's helping all of you by spending hundreds of dollars on those nice business suits he's always wearing - he's helping all of you by lining his wallet with your money, money that rightly belongs to you Boys." She shook her head. "It's so messed up and you don't even see it."

"I see it, okay," I said, "But it's not easy, it's a really hard thing, it's hard to realize you've been betrayed by someone you trusted, you know? It's hard. And I'm doing my best, that's the most you or anyone else can ask of me to do." I took her hands, "And I'm gonna figure this out and I'm gonna do something to change it. I just gotta figure out what to do and how, that's all. I just gotta figure it out first."