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Chapter Thirty-One


The next day, as we travelled from Germany to Norway, I felt like Leighanne was upset with me. She was really quiet and kept looking at me with this distant, kinda sad look in her eyes. So I told her that on the day off we had coming up in Sweden that I'd take her out somewhere and do my best to make her feel special. She'd spent time researching one of our guide books to find something to do together and she'd found a museum that had viking stuff in it that she thought sounded interesting. So we made plans to spend the coming free day, April 1st, together.

My problem was in the meantime, because even though we had plans coming up, it didn't improve her mood any. I just wished I could cheer her up, but even my jokes and impressions of Donald Duck - which usually were her favorite - barely cracked a smile on her face.

Backstage in Norway at the Spektrum, three days before our day off, Leighanne asked if I'd be upset if she went and took a nap in the van instead of watching the show. "Of course not," I replied, "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I'm just tired," she replied. I couldn't help but wonder if that was her actual answer or if she was just saying what I'd said the night before.

Once I'd made sure she was safely in the van with a member of security standing guard, I returned to the green room and sat down in my chair with a huff. Nick's hair was getting smothered with mousse next to me. He glanced at me in the mirror. "You a'ight?" he asked.

"Yep," I replied. I reached for the Batman comic book he'd given me for Christmas. I'd taken to reading it a lot lately, and the pages were starting to get worn around the edges already, like the copy I'd had when I was a kid had been. I flipped through and stared down at the illustration of Bruce Wayne.

"Hey Brian?"

"Yeah?" I looked up at his reflection in the mirror.

"Last week, when I got drunk in Ireland and stuff," he paused, licked his lips and changed his direction, "Did you tell Leighanne about me and Lou?"

I looked at actual Nick, not reflection Nick, and drew a deep breath. Here we go, about to start over again with our fight, I thought. "Yes," I replied, "Because I had to talk to someone about it, I had to talk to someone."

His eyes looked sad for a moment, but he didn't start yelling or anything. "I was just wondering," he said. He looked away.

I stared at him for a couple more seconds, half expecting a delayed reaction of rage, but it never came. Instead, he struck up a conversation with Howie, who had just come in and sat down next to him on the other side. I turned back to the comic book.

The next day when we landed in Sweden, Leighanne and I got to the hotel room and she stood by the window, staring out as I started digging through my duffle bag for a change of clothes to wear over to the venue for rehearsal. She turned around to look at me, "I was thinking, Brian. Maybe I should go home."

"What? Why?" I asked, dropping the clothes in my hands to look back at her.

She shrugged, "I just feel frustrated here because I can't help you."

"You're helping me just by being here," I replied. I quickly crossed the room and wrapped her into a hug. "Please don't go," I added, kissing her head.

Leighanne leaned into me. Her voice came out strained, "I just feel so helpless when I know your heart is bothering you and Lou's bothering you and there's nothing I can do to fix it. The only thing I can do is watch and worry and I feel so frustrated and -- maybe it would just be better if I went home."

"It wouldn't be better," I pleaded, "You're the only person that understands me lately. Do you know how incredibly lonely I would be without you on this tour?"

"I can't even be your girlfriend," she said, tears filling her eyes. She shook her head, "I had a fan the other day ask if I was and I had to tell her I was your cousin just like Lou said, and I didn't like lying about it. I don't like it at all..."

"So don't lie, tell them the truth," I said.

Leighanne sighed, "I just feel like I'm complicating everything for you, and it's just so hard watching this all happen and not being able to do anything."

"Please," I said.

Leighanne drew away from my embrace and returned to the window, staring across the cityscape outside. "Brian, I worry about you because there's still almost a month left before your surgery - a month - and you're already in pain."

"I'm not in pain," I said quickly.

She looked over at me. "AJ told me what happened in Germany, Brian," she said heavily.

"He what?" I asked. "I'm gonna kill him, I told him not to tell --"

"And you're lying about it," Leighanne interrupted me. "You're lying about being in pain. Do you have any clue how much that idea terrifies me?"

"Leighanne, I --"

"Brian, heart disease is not something we take lightly in my family. If you had any clue how many of my family members have died of heart disease you'd understand that." She started ticking off her fingers, "Aunts, Uncles, Great-Grandparents..."

"I know heart disease isn't something to take lightly, Leighanne," I snapped. She was making me feel like I was like a renegade, like I was partially suicidal or something. "I've grown up with it all my life - I was born with it. Don't tell me what heart disease is like."

"Then why are you acting like it's nothing?" she demanded hotly. "You strut around on that stage and through these hotel room hallways like it's nothing, like you're dealing with an appointment to remove an ingrown toenail. Brian, you could seriously die from this, don't you give a damn?"

"Of course I do," I answered, "But I know I'm already living on borrowed time, and every breath I breathe already is a gift from God almighty because when I was eight years old, I should've died. I should be dead and instead I'm here. I don't know what God left me here for, I don't know why I'm still around. I don't know. Maybe it's a big ass cosmic joke. Maybe he wanted me to fall for you just to take you away from me --"

"Take me away from you?" Leighanne asked, "Brian if anyone's losing somebody I'd be losing you. I'm not going anywhere."

I was pacing now, and I barely heard her words. "Even if I do die," I said, "I got like sixteen years more than I should've."

Leighanne shook her head, "And is sixteen years more enough?"

"I'm not going to test God," I whispered.

Leighanne's eyes were intense, and she opened her mouth to say something --- and there came a knock on the door.

"One second!" I bellowed.

She shook her head, "Nevermind," she said, "Go work. Go. I'll be here later." She turned and dropped onto the bed and curled her knees to her chest.

"Are you su--"

"Yes, just go."

I snuck out of the room and into the hallway. Johnny was standing there waiting, annoyed looking, while Nick, Howie, AJ, and Kevin were gathered at the end of the hall by the elevator. "Sorry," I said, closing the door behind me, "I had to talk to Leighanne about some stuff."

"Whatever," Johnny replied with a sigh.

Whatever we did, I couldn't get Leighanne out of my mind, and I prayed that she wouldn't do something crazy like take off and leave a note for me or anything like that. I fabricated reasons to call the hotel twice in the course of the night just to make sure she was still there because I was so nervous. And I drove the guys nuts because I was hyperactive as a response to the nerves in my system.

I nudged Nick. "How do you make a duck a blues artist?" I asked.

He stared at me, a blank expression on his face. "What?"

"You put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers." I grinned.

Nick continued to stare at me. "I don't get it," he said, confusion on his face.

"Duck bill? Bill Withers?" I asked, trying to get the mental connection across to him.

He looked around in confusion, a panicked look on his face. "Dude, Lean On Me," AJ said rolling his eyes, "Bill Withers."

"But..."

"The heat makes the duck's nose -a bill - shrink up - wither," Kevin explained.

Nick squinted one eye.

"Okay guys, let's go," Lou snapped from the doorway.

We got up and followed Lou down the hallway towards the steps that led up to the stage. Me and Howie were directly behind Lou, and my nerves were building up, so I turned to D, and I said quietly, "Hey what's the difference between a musician and a mutural fund?"

Howie glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Eventually the mutural fund will mature and earn money," I said. I shot a meaningful look at Lou, then smirked at Howie.

We started running up the steps to the stage, and Lou grabbed my wrist, pulled me back down. I almost fell, but caught my footing and the railing at the last moment. He spun me so we were eye-to-eye. "Look, I put in a request to raise your pay," he said gruffly, "So let it go."

I blinked in surprise, "Seriously?"

Lou rolled his eyes, "Get on stage," he said, shooing me off.

I climbed the steps in a daze. My whining and complaining had actually paid off? It seemed that the show went so perfectly that night, like nothing could go wrong after what Lou had said. I felt like I could do anything. My confidence soared and by the time we dismounted the stage and started back to the hotel, I was so excited to tell Leighanne about the pay raise I could barely contain myself.

We were in the van, Nick suddenly shouted, "BILL WITHERS! I get it!!!" and cracked up.

AJ looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Jesus Christ," he muttered, "Talk about a delayed reaction."

As we disboarded the elevator back at the hotel, Nick grabbed my arm, "Hey, on our day off, you wanna shoot some hoops?" he asked.

I was so surprised to hear him suggest we hang out, that I agreed quickly and he waved me off and ducked into the room him and Kevin were sharing, an excited look on his face. I returned to the room I was sharing with Leighanne. It wasn't until I looked at her that I realized the problem I'd just created for myself. I'd forgotten about the Viking Museum (how in the hell had I forgotten plans to visit a Viking Museum?). I decided I'd have to postpone with Nick .

Leighanne was lounging on the bed, the TV flashing before her. I sat down beside her and stared at the TV for a long moment. Finally, I reached over and pet her arm. "Can I tell you a secret?" I asked, running my hand over her smooth skin. She looked up at me. "But you gotta promise not to tell Nick."

She hit the mute button on the TV remote. "What? What is it?" she sat up, a mixture of worry, curiousity, and excitement on her face, like she wasn't sure if it was a good secret or a bad one but desperately wanted to know either way.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Yes," she said, nodding.

I leaned close and whispered in her ear, "You're my best friend." I confided.

When I pulled away from her, Leighanne had tears in her eyes. She grasped my hand, "You're my best friend, too," she said. "I love you so much, Brian. I'm so sorry I said I wanted to leave earlier, I'm so sorry. I don't want to leave you," she explained, "Just the situation, you know? I'm so scared I'm going to lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere baby," I answered. I moved so I was laying next to her and she rolled into me.

She laid her head against my chest. "I can hear it, you know," she said quietly.

"Hear what?"

"Well you said the VSD has a splash-back, right?" she asked.

I nodded.

"When I press my ear to your chest like this, I think I can hear it."

Dr. Carlsbad said he could hear it with the stethescope, so that wasn't entirely far fetched. A lump rose in my throat as I thought about how the damage was close enough to the surface that she could just lean against me and hear it. It seemed like it should be an easy fix, something to just reach in and tweak, like a leaky faucet. I pictured my heart with duct tape wrapped around it, like the hose out back of my parents' house that my dad refused to replace. I knew it was more complicated than that, though, deep down.

"It's scary," she said.

I looked down at her, "You don't have to listen to it, you know," I laughed.

Leighanne looked up at me, "I listen to it because it's comforting. As long as I can hear it, I know you're there."

I ran my hand down her back gently.

I woke up the next morning in exactly the same position. I yawned and stretched as best I could without moving too much to awaken her. Light filtered through the blinds that covered the windows, the TV was still flashing but now it was playing early morning talk shows instead of late night ones.

And then I realized what I was seeing.

"OH SHIT!" I shouted, and I leaped out of the bed, right out from under Leighanne, who fell quickly to the mattress. I bolted to the hotel room door and sure enough there was a note slid under it with Lou's handwriting on it. "OH SHIT!"

"What is it?" Leighanne groaned from the bed. She was rubbing her chin and half sitting up, her hair a mess. She yawned.

"That," I said, pointing at the TV. Nick, Howie, Kevin, and AJ were seated on a little couch next to some girl talk show host. Kevin was answering a question and Nick was nervously picking at his fingers, shifting his weight every couple seconds, while AJ stared straight ahead from behind his sunglasses, and Howie looked petrified.

Leighanne blinked at the TV for a couple seconds, then her face lit up with understanding. "Oh no," she gasped.

I looked down at the note from Lou.

Get some rest, you're going to need it.

That's all it said. That's it. That's the whole thing. It had a really ominous ring to it. I handed it to Leighanne. "Lou," I said as she look it.

She read it over, her eyebrow cinched together. "Well that's ominous," she said.

"That's the exact word I'd use," I said, nodding.

We ordered breakfast, since I now had a couple unexpected free hours that I knew I was going to end up paying dearly for, I figured we should at least have fun with them. So we sat on the bed and ate breakfast together and talked until Johnny was knocking at my door to whisk me away to rehearsals. I kissed Leighanne and she said, "Don't let him bulley you around."

I nodded, and followed Johnny down the hallway to the elevator. When the doors closed, Johnny looked over at me. "Lou's pissed."

"I know," I said.

"He wants you rooming with another of the guys from now on. He feels like you're not dedicating yourself to your work as much as you should be. He thinks your girlfriend is a distraction."

"What?" I demanded.

"We're putting Kevin back in the single, you and Nick will be sharing again," Johnny said, "We will continue pay for a return flight to the States for Leighanne."

I stared at him, incredulous. "We were on stage until almost midnight, we didn't get back to the hotel until well after that, and I doubt I am not the only person in this whole entourage that doesn't just walk in and fall asleep immediately. I woke up at seven o'clock on my own - despite the fact that is way less than the recommended eight hours of sleep a night - and y'all had already left." I shook my head, "Lou's pissed and thinking I'm distracted because I needed more than three hours' of sleep?"

Johnny reached forward, pulled the stop elevator button and turned to me. "Lou is pissed because you aren't taking this seriously. Asking for time off, fucking around with your little girlfriend there, endangering your career by toting her around no less..." Johnny was right in my face. "You're not fucking up just your own career, it's all our careers. It's mine and Lou's and Nick's and AJ's and Kevin's and Howie's that you're fucking up. It's the people at Jive Records' your fucking up, it's your security guards', the venue owners'."

"And I suppose no one from your precious Nsync ever does anything like this, right?" I spat.

"They actually give a fuck about their careers," Johnny snapped.

"Did Lou happen to tell you why I want time off?" I shouted.

"Oh please enlighten me," Johnny sneered.

"Because I'm fucking dying," I snapped, "I'm dying and I need surgery on my heart. Because literally any time when I'm on that stage I could collapse. Because my heart could just kind of stop beating."

Johnny shrunk back.

"I'm a ticking time bomb," I yelled, "And I need time off to go home to let my doctor cut me wide open, reach in, take out my heart, and fix it." Johnny's eyes were wide. I knew I'd driven my point home, but it felt good to be the one being listened to, being the one in control, so I took it one step further. "And all you people wanna do is rip it from my chest, like barbarians."

Several long moments of stunned silence followed. Johnny stared at me, and an almost guilt-ridden look crossed his face. He closed his eyes and leaned against the far wall of the elevator. He took several long, deep breaths, then hit the elevator button so it started moving again. When the doors dinged and started to slide open, he muttered, "I'm sorry," and stepped out quickly, disappearing among a sea of screaming fans.