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Chapter Thirty-Three


The next morning we were all up bright and early and off to the museum. Nick was up before I was and jumping on the bed like a little kid to get me going. He was wearing jeans and a stripey shirt that made him look like a little Osh Kosh b'Gosh kid, especially with his goofy hair. "Leighanne is coming," he chattered, "She's coming and we gotta be ready to go! You gotta get ready to go!"

"What time is it?" I demanded, rolling over to grope for the alarm clock.

"Time to get up," Nick replied, and he dashed off, disappearing into the bathroom.

It was only 7:30. I groaned. The one day we had to sleep in and Nick was up with the birds. "I think we can sleep for a few more minutes, Nick," I said, falling back into the pillows.

"No, no we can't," he replied. He reappeared at my side, holding up my wet and pasted toothbrush like he was holding a torch. He thrust his hand out at me. "We only got one day off y'know?" he asked.

He looked so eager.

I sighed and sat up, taking my toothbrush and shoving it into my mouth. "You're a pain in the ass," I said around my toothbrush as I started scrubbing my teeth.

Nick's enthusiasm didn't wane, either. He followed me to the bathroom and I had to actually push him back out into the room in order to pee and shower. When I came out of the bathroom ten minutes later, Leighanne was already there. She and Nick were sitting at the table with a tray piled high with three room service dishes on them and the room smelled heavily of breakfast foods.

"Morning!" Leighanne said cheerily. She smiled brightly.

"Look! Leighanne's here, I told you she was coming," Nick said. He whipped the cover off one of the food service dishes. "And look," he added, "Pancakes."

What in the hell had happened after I went into the hall last night? I wondered. It was like some sort of alien race had abducted him and replaced him with a cyborg (Wait, was it cyborg or android? Where the hell was Kevin when I actually needed him?).

So we ate pancakes and headed out. The hotel wasn't far from the museum, so we opted for walking to it with two able-bodied security guys trailing us. Leighanne slipped her fingers through mine and Nick babbled endlessly about Thor and Loki and the gods of the Norse religion all the way to the museum.

"You know," he said, walking backwards as he talked, "I used to think if I was gonna be a norsegod --"

"You've actually thought about thinks like that?" I asked.

Nick shrugged, "Who hasn't?"

"Most normal people?" I asked.

Leighanne laughed, "What did you think, Nick?" she asked.

"That I'd be Thor," he replied. "Brian can be Loki. Except I'm not sure that works cos Loki was like half giant or something and Brian's short."

"Thanks for pointing that out," I laughed.

"I think he's just right," Leighanne said, ruffling my hair.

All day, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Nick and Leighanne to start fighting again. But it never came. Instead, we wandered through the entire museum and the gift shop and even got lunch without any incidents. We learned about the Norse trade routes and the rise and fall of various kingdoms and traditions of the early Swedish cultures. We saw photos of recreated Viking ships and long houses and all kinds of tools, clothes, and runes that were either replicas or actually dated back to those days. All in all, it made for an interesting experience, and Nick left toting a book of Norse myths and legends. I bought Leighanne a necklace in the gift shop that symbolized love called a Northern Knot. It looked something like a cross with a ring woven through it embedded with tiny clear stones. She seemed to immediately develop a habit of holding onto it, and kept rolling the pendent through her fingers as she talked at lunch.

By the time we got back to the hotel, Nick looked as exhausted as I felt. We stood in the hallway outside the hotel room. I looked at Nick, waiting for him to go inside, but he just stood there looking kind of dopey. "Wanna play Pacman or something?" he asked after a long pause. In response, I cleared my throat, and he looked at me. "What? We can play Frogger or Asteroids or Donkey Kong or --"

"I'll be right there," I said, nodding toward Leighanne. "I'd like to say goodnight if that's okay?"

His eyes followed my nod and locked on her. "She can play too," he offered.

Leighanne smirked.

"I think she'd rather say good night to me," I said pointedly.

Nick thought about this for a moment, then the dawn struck. "Ohhh," he said. "Sorry." He turned and fumbled for his key card. "I'll be in here. Night." The door closed behind him, leaving Leighanne and I alone, at last.

"Okay," I said, laughter playing on my mouth, "You have to tell me. What in the hell did you tell him last night after I left the room?"

"I told him I'd share you from now on and not be such a Brian whore," she said, laughing.

"So you get what he meant by that now?" I asked.

Leighanne nodded, "Yeah. He explained it better after you left the room."

"So you're gonna share me?" I laughed.

Leighanne nodded, "Joint custody."

I leaned closer, pressing our foreheads together. "Six month split?" I asked.

"Weekends and every other holiday," she whispered. We started kissing and the next thing I knew we'd backed into her hotel room and I'd forgotten all about Nick and Pacman/Asteroids/Donkey Kong/whatever.

The next morning, we had the flight on to Holland and Leighanne was returning to the United States. Before she left, though, I made her promise she'd fly back to meet me in Spain in two weeks, in Madrid, so that we could spend the last few dates of the tour together before I flew to Rochester for the surgery. She agreed and we kissed goodbye at the terminal.

I felt empty watching her walk away, but Nick hooked his arm over my shoulder and shouted, "I'm takin' care of Ken, promise, Barbie!"

I was about to yap at him for calling her Barbie, but Leighanne turned and yelled back, "You better Carter!"

After we'd stood there and watched Leighanne's plane taxi away from the window we were standing by, Nick sighed and led the way to our own terminal and we took the short flight to Holland, where we were scheduled to play two dates before moving on to Belgium. It was only a couple days, but it seemed like it was going to be a lifetime before I saw Leighanne again, and I found myself resenting Lou even more than before for making her leave.

Both the dates in Holland went marvelously. However, we were not free of drama in Arnhem because upon landing there, Lou announced at Johnny was going to be returning to the United States to work on a promotional run with NSYNC instead of staying on with us for the time being. "But not to worry," he said, "He'll be back."

I couldn't help but wonder what had caused Johnny this sudden choice to leave the BSB tour to go back to NSYNC's. I mean sure the guy spent a ton of time on the phone advocating for them while he was working with us, but was it seriously a coincidence that three days after I confronted him in the elevator about my condition he decided to leave the tour? I wondered if he'd had an argument with Lou about it all, or if he'd really just left.

I'd never know.

Two days later, in Belgium, all Nick could think about was waffles. Waffles were the new Twinkies in Belgium. I swear to God, every time I turned around the kid was holding a waffle. He even stooped low enough as to send one of the security guys out to buy him a waffle while his hair was getting done before the show. And I have to admit there's a reason Belgium is known for it's waffles - they're amazing, like nothing you can get in the States - but I felt Nick needed to take caution in consuming all the waffles in the entire country.

We were all sitting around the dressing room waiting to take the stage - and Nick was munching on the waffle that security had fetched for him - when Lou came into the room. "I have some news for you," he said importantly.

We all turned to look at him.

"I just got a call from Bille Woodruff and he's signed on for directing the new I'll Never Break Your Heart music video," he announced. A general crow of excitement arose among us. We'd been waiting for a while on some more information about filming the video, and he'd given us a really interesting pitch that we'd all fallen for. "There is a slight catch," Lou called out, waving his hands to get the chatter to die down and regain our attentions.

And even before he said the words, I just knew what the catch was.

"The only time Bille is available is the end of this month," Lou said.

"How is that a catch?" Kevin asked.

Lou turned to look at me. "Ask Brian," he replied.

I felt all four of them turn to look at me and my heart gave a poorly-timed ping that made me wince. I ran my hand across my chest. Still, we'd waited so long to get the opportunity to film the video with Bille Woodruff that it seemed almost shameful to pass up the chance. What would just a couple more weeks do, I wondered, really?

"There's no problem," I said quickly before I could talk myself out of it.

I could almost picture what Leighanne would be doing right now if she was here to see this. She'd be pissed. But I imagined that she'd understand once I'd explained it. I mean, it really wasn't that big of a deal to push it back just a couple more weeks, right? Especially for something as huge as this music video... Right?

Lou looked concerned. "Are you sure?" he said carefully, "I do recall receiving a strongly worded note about making certain you got these dates off."

Kevin was giving me a confused/concerned look.

I nodded, "It's fine. I'll reschedule."

Lou nodded. "So it's a go then?"

After he'd confirmed what he was to tell Bille Woodruff, Lou waddled out of the dressing room. I could feel all four of the guys staring at me and I closed my eyes, drawing a deep breath, preparing myself for what I knew what about to come.

"You weren't planning to -like- elope or something were you?" Kevin asked.

I shook my head.

"Sexy vacation somewhere that you can get her scantily clad on the beach?" AJ guessed.

Again, I shook my head.

"Non sexy vacation?" Howie joked weakly.

"It's your heart, ain't it?" Nick asked.

His words seemed to hang in the air. I drew a deep breath, and looked up, meeting each of them in the eyes. "Before we left on this tour," I said, "I had an... appointment... at my doctor's in Lexington..."

Kevin's eyes darkened with concern.

"And he ran some tests and it looks like I need surgery."

All four of them exploded with questions. I hung my head, trying to hear them all, but the only one that really rang out was Nick's.

"You won't die, right?"

I looked up at him. "I certainly hope not."

Kevin reached out and grabbed my shoulder, "Have you told Aunt Jackie?"

"Not yet," I answered.

"You don't look sick," Howie was muttering, shaking his head, "Shouldn't you look sick?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I don't always feel sick either, but..."

"Did you get a second opinion?" AJ demanded.

"He sent my test results to the doctor that's going to be doing the operation," I replied, "So sort of a second opinion, yes."

"What about the summer tour Lou was planning?" Howie questioned.

"Post poned, I guess," I answered, shrugging. "I mean I'll be okay to tour again after I recover but I don't know how long that takes..."

A general silence fell over us all.

"So you were gonna go at the end of the month to get surgeried on and now you're postponing it?" Nick asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, just 'til after the video shoot. It's not that long."

Kevin was gnawing the inside of his mouth. After a long moment, he got up. "Okay, let's get out there," he said, taking charge. I knew he wasn't trying to cut the conversation short, it's just how he dealt with stress - taking charge. It was just a part of him that I knew well. He'd been the only one to take charge and make decisions and keep everyone going back when his father had been sick and it was a trait that he'd kept over the years. As we started filing out into the hallway, Kevin caught me by the arm on my way out the door. He looked straight into my eyes for a long moment. "Tell your mother," he said.

"I will," I replied.

"And don't postpone it unless you know you can," he added. "The video isn't worth your life."

"I know."

He nodded sharply. "Okay. Good. Let's go." He ushered me into the hallway.

I spent the show thinking about several things. First, how I was going to tell my mother about the whole thing, and second how I was going to tell Leighanne about postponing the operation again. I wrote myself a note that I left in my Batman comic book to call Dr. Danielson's office the next day and postpone the surgery until May.

That night in the hotel room, Nick and I were laying in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, only the city lights coming in through the window to illuminate the room. "Why didn't you tell me you needed surgery?" Nick asked from across the room.

"I didn't really tell anyone," I replied. "Just Leighanne."

He was quiet for a long moment. "You're sure you won't die?"

A flash went through my mind - a mental image of me collapsing on stage and Nick desperately trying to perform CPR. It ran chills through my spine and a lump rose in my throat. I didn't tell Nick, though. Instead, I simply said, "Pretty sure, yeah."

"Cos you can't die," Nick said. "You just can't."

"I'll do my best," I answered.

"It was your resolution," he said.

"I know," I replied.

"You're doing good so far, don't break it."

"Better than you are," I replied, thinking of all the Twinkies he'd eaten in the past month.

Nick laughed, "Twinkies are kind of impossible to give up for me. I dunno what it is about them. They're like fluffy, creamy, cakey crack. A world without Twinkies is like... I dunno, Hell or something." He was quiet a moment. "Just don't die, okay Brian? Just don't. That'd be worse then if there was no Twinkies."

"I'm trying not to," I answered. "I promise."

I heard him roll over in bed and I knew that was the end of the conversation. I just hoped I could keep my promise.

I waited to call Dr. Danielson's office to postpone the surgery until we'd landed in France the next day, settled into the hotel rooms, done the first part of rehearsals and sat down to lunch. Because of the timezone, I couldn't have called much earlier than that anyway, but I'll admit that I was procrastinating at heart. When I did call, I stole away by myself while everyone was distracted by the food that had just carted its way into the backstage area.

I explained to the secretary that, due to work obligations, I needed to push the surgery back a couple more weeks, and that I was sorry I was being a hassle to Dr. Danielson and causing so much trouble for his schedule, but that I really couldn't avoid the new obligation. She moved my surgery date from April 20th to May 8th.

After I'd called, I sat in a seat in one of the bleachers, staring down at the roadies putting finishing touches setting up the stage below, not wanting to go back down with the guys. I pictured the show from a fan's perspective, pictured our lives and careers from a fan's perspective. It looked so different, so much happier and easier than it really was. So much went into these tours and records and photos and interviews than most people realize or ever think about. I mean they forget about the hours we spend traveling place to place or rehearsing. Our lives probably seem easy from the outside, like we're just chilling and having a good time 24/7 until we're on the stage.

"I thought I saw you up here," Kevin said, dropping into the seat beside me. He leaned back and put his legs up on the chair in front of him and we sat like that in silence for a long time, probably three or four minutes or more. Then he moved his legs down and looked at me side-long. "How long has your heart been bothering you, cuz?" he asked.

I stared ahead, watching as they set up the five mic stands on the stage for the soundcheck, adjusting the heights to match each of our specifications. "Last year," I said quietly, "I went to Dr. Carlsbad for a check up and he said my VSD was sounding a little worse and that I was probably going to need surgery soon if it didn't improve."

"So it is the VSD, then," Kevin said.

I nodded. "He said the hole in my septum is causing a splash-back of blood and it's congesting my heart, making it pump twice as hard as it needs to."

Kevin sighed and leaned back again, "Sounds like us. Having to work twice as hard as we need to to keep this whole thing moving, huh?"

"I don't know that we really do need to," I replied. "I think Lou makes it a lot harder than it really is."

"What's going on with you and Nick and Lou?" Kevin asked, "There seems like a lot of conflict there."

I hesitated. "You'll have to ask Nick about his deal with Lou," I replied cautiously, "It's not my story to tell."

Kevin folded his arms across his chest. "And yours?"

"I mean I told you about the financial thing, but it's also Nick's thing, and also when I went to ask for time off for my heart he didn't want to give it to me," I said. "He actually fought with me about it. He all but directly said that money was worth more than my life." I shook my head, "I have no respect left to give him. He's taken it all from me."

Kevin was shaking his head. "We gotta do something."

"I just don't know what," I agreed. "I told Johnny, sort of. He apologized. But now he's left to go work with NSYNC again, so despite the apology I don't think he really gave a damn."

"Maybe we should consider a lawyer," he said.

I turned to look at him. "A lawyer?"

Kevin nodded. "I mean we're technically in violation of a bunch of labor laws. We should be making time and a half after 40 hours, getting days off, being treated respectfully," he shrugged. "Maybe the labor board will have our backs. Maybe we need to find a way to bail on these contracts and get fair contracts with managers who care and won't put money over a life."

I nodded.

"So when are you having the surgery now?" he asked.

"May 8th," I replied.

Kevin was silent for a long moment. I expected him to say something like that he'd be there for me, that they all would, or give me some pep talk about courage and bravery in the face of fear and all that. Instead, he stood up and said, "We should get back to work."