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Chapter Thirty-Four


I had problems concentrating on the shows in Metr and in Paris because I knew Leighanne was going to be waiting for me in Barcelona. I still hadn't told her about postponing the surgery a second time, though, and I was dreading telling her about that. But in Paris, I realized that even worse than having not yet updated Leighanne on the new date of the operation, I'd forgotten to update Lou, and he came backstage touting more so-called 'good news'; he'd booked us for several dates in May, including Grad Night at Disney World, the World Music Awards, and several radio station summer concerts. Additionally, he'd gone ahead and booked the entire summer tour spanning through July and August.

I stared, dumbfounded, at the sheet as the other guys started crowing in excitement over Grad Night and the new leg of the tour. I felt sick to my stomach. Sure, postponing from April to May was only a couple weeks but this new schedule would require postponing for a couple months.

"I can't do this," I said, looking up from the sheet, interrupting everyone's excitement.

Lou looked at me. "Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I postponed my surgery," I said, "To May 8th."

Lou stared at me. "You didn't give me an exact date."

"May 8th," I said again.

"So you can go get it done here, after the World Music Awards," he snapped, jabbing a finger at the copy of schedule he held. "They're on the 6th. With time zones in your favor, you can be home in time for sure."

I felt dizzy. Were we seriously talking about me just squeezing in an open heart surgery? "Recovery time," I stammered, shaking my head, "I just - I can't."

"So postpone it again," Lou replied.

I stared at him, unable to speak, my words literally sucked out of my mouth by my incredulity.

"You gotta admit, Grad Night would be pretty awesome to play," Nick said quietly. "I mean... it wouldda been my Grad Night if I'd stayed in regular school..."

"Yeah Disney's wicked," AJ agreed. He looked at me, "We gotta do Disney, 'Rok."

"And look at some of these venues we've been booked in the States," Kevin said quietly. "They're quite impressive... I mean, Radio City Music Hall? The MGM Grand? This is the stuff of legends."

I felt my mouth go dry. Were they seriously trying to talk me out of surgery? Even Kevin?

Lou's eyes met mine. "Think about it," he said, "And let me know when you know what you want to do." He turned and left the room.

We sat in silence for a couple minutes. Nick stared down at the proposed schedule, Kevin stared off into space, Howie chewed on a left over piece of bread, AJ poured a glass of Jack on the dressing counter in front of him, and I waited because I knew somehow in my gut what was coming.

Kevin looked up, "How bad is the VSD right now?" he asked me.

"Bad enough I need surgery?" I asked, a touch of sarcasm in my voice.

"But is it something you could wait on," he asked, "Just a little bit longer?"

A lump rose in my throat, "I don't know."

Nick looked up. "Can we at least do Grad Night?" he asked, "I mean you don't gotta postpone nothin' to do Grad Night. It's May 1st." He looked hopefully at me, then scanned his eyes across the other guys. "I just feel like I should be there 'cos technically it's my Grad Night, you know?"

"Can't Lou just cancel some of the shit? Like just the shit you need cancelled, Rok, to recover?" AJ suggested, swallowing a mouthful of Jack.

"How long does it take to recover?" Howie asked.

"Month or two I'd imagine," I whispered.

Kevin was staring at the schedule intently. "These venues," he said, a longing tone to his voice, "Some of these venues are just... they're incredible. They're the types of shows we've dreamed of playing from day one." He shook his head. "The MGM Grand, man." He looked up at me. "They're career makers, Bri."

"I know, I get it," I said, my throat burning, "My heart chose the worst possible time in the entire world to stop working right, I get it."

"It just seems a shame to cancel these," Kevin said.

"My heart is literally broken," I said, emphasizing the word. "It's a shame yes but --"

"May 8th to July 8 is two months," AJ pointed out. "The first tour date's July 8."

"That's the recovery time," Howie said, a hopeful tone to his voice.

Nick's eyes lit up, "So if we like do all this stuff ourselves and let Brian go do his heart surgery --" he waved his hands at the top half of the schedule Lou had handed out, "Then we get to do the tour dates too! And Grad Night."

"You're gonna do shows without me?" I asked, dumbfounded. Kevin had jutted out his lower lip and was nodding like he was surprised he hadn't had the idea himself. AJ and Howie looked excited, Nick was staring at Kevin with anticipation of approval. I sat there feeling like I wasn't there, like I was already out of their little loop somehow. "But... what about me?" I asked, confused.

"You'll be recovering," Kevin said, "It makes sense actually. I think it could work."

"We'd just have to do some rehearsals without Brian, figure out who can sing his parts," Howie said, "I think I can hit the same range as Brian, so probably me..."

And I sat there listening as they started patching a hole that I would make in the band in my absence. I watched their mouths move and their expressions light up as they spoke and suggested resolutions to problems that might arise and they didn't find any that couldn't be easily fixed. I was utterly and entirely replacable. I could barely breathe, and I felt like I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I drew a deep breath.

After all this time, it seemed I wasn't really an irreplacable part of the Backstreet Boys. I was really just tagging along with Kevin's little project. I remembered this one time, when I was a kid, when Kevin and Harold had invited me to go fishing with them and I didn't realize 'til I got home that my mom had made them bring me along; I'd just been asked to tag along mainly because my mom made them feel sorry for me. And maybe that's all this was, too. Maybe Kevin felt sorry for me and threw me the bone of rounding out a vocal harmony group that didn't really need me.

"No," I whispered, feeling my heart breaking at the thought.

The guys were still talking, loudly, right over my whisper, not even noticing that I spoke. I felt like a ghost. I forced words to my mouth, "I'll postpone it," I whispered. I felt like I was clinging to a rock face, like I was scrabbling for a grip on my life, on the rights I had to it, like if I didn't get a hold on the situation I'd fall out of the band and never regain my grip on it. I felt like if I didn't get back in there - now - I'd never get back in there at all.

"I'll postpone it," I said louder, but they still didn't hear me, they were all talking so loud and my throat felt almost raw like I hadn't spoken in ages or somthing. I shoved the words out, and they burst from me much louder this time, loud enough to break through their talking. "I'll postpone it!!"

They stopped and looked at me.

"I'm sure I'm fine," I said, trying to convince myself as much as them, "I'll just postpone it 'til after the tour. That's all. It's not a big deal. Then we can all do the dates..."

"Are you sure?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yes," I answered. I looked down at the sheet. "Yeah, look, see... August 14, wraps up in Seattle. I can book it for August. August 20th or something. That's not that much further out."

"Okay then," Kevin nodded. A smile cracked his face. "Guys, we're playing the MGM! How crazy is that?"

They fell into a conversation about how mind-blowingly huge Backstreet Boys was becoming, how unbelievable it was that this was our lives, our careers, that we were this famous, and I sat there staring down at the paper in my hand, feeling cold all over like ice water was running through my veins.

That odd, cold feeling didn't go away, even under the hot stage lights during the show that night. I took a long shower when we got back to the hotel, and stared up into the streaming water, feeling it hit my face and roll away across my skin. There was no washing away the cold feeling though, and it wasn't until I was laying in my empty bed, wishing Leighanne was there already, that I realized it wasn't a physical kinda cold, it was an emotional one.

The next day, we travelled to Barcelona and I met Leighanne in the airport. I've never been more thankful to see a person in all of my life. I held her so close to me and pressed my face into her hair, smelling her, breathing her in. It was the first time I'd felt warm again since the fellas had taken my decision to postpone the operation so lightly. She wrapped her arms around my waist. "You're awfully cuddly today," she murmured into my chest.

"I missed you," I answered.

"I missed you too," she replied.

Because her return wasn't specifically Lou-approved, I still technically was supposed to be sharing a hotel room with Nick. But Leighanne had her own room on another floor of the hotel and so in a way Nick had scored himself a single. He was so ecstatic because he'd never really had a room to himself before. He just had to put up with me keeping my stuff in there.

I took Leighanne out to dinner that night in Barcelona, to a little place not very far from where we were staying and we shared a bottle of wine. Her eyes sparkled so pretty in the flickering candle-lit atmosphere of the room that I didn't dare to tell her about the new tour dates and me postponing my surgery yet again. I just wanted the night to be nice, and to share space with her. I just wanted to feel warm.

We spent the night together in her hotel room, and shared breakfast together. Nick called when Lou was knocking on the doors to collect us all to let me know we were meeting in the lobby in twenty minutes.

Leighanne came along and Lou was less than impressed by the fact that she'd rejoined the entourage, but he didn't say anything because he already knew I'd agreed to push back the surgery to accomodate for the tour schedule he'd drawn up. I imagined he probably felt like he'd won some war, so it didn't matter if I won a battle.

That night after the show, as we were driving to Zaragoza, the van stopped at a McDonlads, where Leighanne sat and drank milk shakes and shared French Fries we'd ordered. The other guys were all sharing one big booth, but I wanted to be alone with Leighanne. I thought I was going to tell her about the tour, but I couldn't find it in my heart to make the dazzling smile on her face go away by bringing it up.

She stuck a fry in my mouth and laughed when it bent and went up my nose instead. I laughed and picked one up and pretended to attempt to push it up her nose, too, even though I wasn't really trying to get it up there, I was just teasing her. She covered her head and laughed loudly, "Stop," she begged, her giggles making the word almost unrecognizable. I tossed the fry back on the table and kissed her softly, our lips salty from the french fries.

I kept meaning to tell her about the tour and about me postponing my surgery, but I didn't seem to get a chance to. I dreaded Kevin or someone mentioning the MGM Grand and every time there was a near-miss I vowed the next time I got Leighanne alone I was just gonna blurt it out.

Back in the van afterwards, Nick insisted that I sit in between him and Leighanne, and jokingly cited his "custody rights". Leighanne laughed and agreed to the terms, so we ended up in the back row of the van with Lou glancing back at us in the mirror on the back of his visor. The other guys had fallen asleep long before the three of us did, and I couldn't help but think how amazing it was having my Frack and my Fiance actually getting along like this. I held Leighanne's hand tightly, spinning the engagement ring absently with my fingers as we talked. When I woke up, I found they'd both fallen asleep using my shoulders as pillows.

At the hotel in Zaragoza, Leighanne simply roomed in with me and Nick, since they were getting along so well. Nick sat in bed in his pajamas and pointed over at us, "No funny business, remember I'm right here in the next bed, got it?" he asked.

Leighanne laughed, "We promise, Nick."

Nick flipped onto his side, back to us, and snuggled into his blankets.

I wrapped my arm around Leighanne and she nestled against my chest. The morning light was starting to peek through the window, and we didn't have too long before Lou would be knocking to summon us off to a radio station or rehearsal or whatever, so I closed my eyes and felt myself melt into the pillow. Leighanne's ear was to my chest.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," I answered.

"I'm so thankful," she said quietly, "You know that?"

"For what?" I asked.

Leighanne put her hand on my chest and ran it down the center, smiling sleepily, "I'm thankful for you being in my life, and for doctors who know how to perform surgeries that can fix your heart..." she kissed my chest, then laid her head back down. "I'm thankful to have the rest of my life with you." She looked up at me, "After May 8th, you'll be whole again."

"Yeah," I whispered. My stomach twisted. "Leighanne, I --"

"Shh," she whispered, and her hand found my forehead, running through the curls of my hair that dripped over the front of my hairline. "Shh, get some sleep, my love," she said.

And so, as much as I knew I should protest and insist that she listen as I told her, I decided that it wasn't the end of the world to put it off for just one more day. Just one more day wouldn't hurt, right? I promised myself I would tell her the next day - at lunch or something, at some point.

The next morning, Lou was at the door knocking and Nick announced he wanted us downstairs in twenty minutes. Leighanne slept on while the two of us jostled over bathroom space (Nick insisted he had to shave even though there was still nothing there for him to shave), and we both said bye as we rushed down to the lobby. Nick was jabbering about how he'd dreamed up an idea for how we could play hoops with Leighanne (she could be our referee, he said), and he was stuffing a Twinkie he'd stored in his pocket and had smashed into the plastic wrap. As we climbed into the van, Nick was licking the creamy-cakey residue out of the package and AJ was watching him in disgusted fascination.

It seemed like we barely stopped the entire day. We bounced from a radio interview to lunch to a quick interview with a Spanish teen magazine to the rehearsal/soundcheck/meet and greet and before any of us had time to breathe, we were backstage once more, getting our hair done and our stage clothes on. Leighanne stopped by backstage on her way to her seat on the side of the stage, and she hugged me from behind as I fiddled with my ear piece and kissed me good luck when it was time we went to do pre-show prayer. And then the lights were on and the fans were screaming and we'd taken the stage and I still hadn't told Leighanne about my surgery.

After the show, we drove overnight to the ocean-side city of Valencia, where we were promised a couple hours off for dinner before the show if we did rehearsals early. Leighanne's eyes lit up at the thought of a romantic dinner - one that didn't involve golden arches and french fry salt . I promised myself that no matter what I would tell her at dinner that night.