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Chapter Thirty-Five


Of course everything that could possibly go wrong in Valencia went wrong. It started with Howie greeting us in the morning with a stuffy-runny nose and a thick sounding voice. Nick, who'd originally been seated next to Howie, immediately switched seats and sat next to me. So Lou started out in a foul mood because he hated it when any of us got sick - it mean all of us being off our game because, like I said before, if one of us is off we're all off. The morning was only worsened when we arrived at the venue following two choppy interviews, only to find out we couldn't do rehearsals yet because our stage wasn't even halfway assembled. The head roadie apologized profusely and said it had taken longer than usual to transport it for whatever reason, so the stage hands were still swarming around trying to complete their jobs, but that they expected to be done in plenty of time for the show. Consequently, we didn't get to do a rehearsal or a soundcheck. Then, at the meet and greet, Nick made the fatal mistake of giving a girl a hug and then every girl after her wanted a hug, and we were there for way longer than we were originally meant to be...

The end result? You guessed it. Our dinner break got cancelled. I asked a few guys who worked at the venue if they knew of any sea-side restaurants that were opened late enough I could go there after the show, and I got lucky because one of them knew of a small bar that stayed open until the two o'clock call and he said they served meals and had a romantic atmosphere, which was exactly what I needed.

"I'm sorry I can't go with you now," I apologized to Leighanne when she showed up for our dinner date. I kissed her and told her about the place the venue employee had told me about and she smiled and said she understood, though I saw her glance Lou's direction and I know she was thinking what a dictator he was.

I couldn't imagine how much of a dictator she'd find him once she found out I'd postponed until August now. Not that I'd called Dr. Danielson yet. I made a mental note to remember to call him too, since it was kind of important that the doctor know about the change in my schedule and everything. I mean, it'd be nice if he showed up and stuff.

The show went well, even though I spent the entire time I was on stage mentally running through the words I needed to tell Leighanne what was happening. As the last notes of the final song faded through the stadium and the crowd roared their approval, I took the fastest shower known to mankind in the bathroom backstage before I was rushed out the backdoor of the venue to the waiting car that would take Leighanne and I to our date. I'd thrown on a nice shirt and a pair of khaki pants, so I wasn't over or under dressed, and I'd gotten her a small bouquet of delicate white flowers.

On my way down the hall, Kevin caught me by the elbow. "Hey," he said, looking at me, "I've been thinking --"

"Kev, I gotta go, I'm taking Leighanne out," I said, "She's waiting in the car."

Kevin looked torn for a moment. Finally he nodded, "Yeah, go... go. Have fun. We can talk later."

"Thanks Kev," I answered, and I ducked out the door, and climbed into the car.

Leighanne looked gorgeous. She had a dark red dress on that hugged her curves just right and a sheer black shawl that draped over her shoulders, her hair up, a rose perched in her gorgeous blonde hair. I slid across the seat and pulled her to me. "You're beautiful," I said into her mouth as I kissed her.

The car carried us away from the venue, through the city, to the very edge of Spain, overlooking the Gulf of Valencia, which ultimately was the Mediteranean Sea. We were let off at the bar, which looked exactly as the guy had described to me. It was a tiny water-side place, with red seats on a wide deck near the marina. The deck was strung with long strings of twinkle lights, A long dock stretched out into the gulf, boats dotted the dark water, paper lanterns glowing and reflecting in the rippling water.

We sat at a seat by the edge of the deck, a few tables apart from anyone else. A large orange paper lantern hung off a post just behind Leighanne, and a bird floated on the water below. I went up to the bar and ordered us drinks and asked for a menu to look at. By the time our drinks had come we'd each selected a meal and were embedded in conversation. I liked just watching her, the way the light moved over her hair, the way her eyes lit up when she was excited about whatever she was talking about. I felt like I'd known her all of my life.

A large guy in an apron brought out dishes out and we thanked him as best we could, though neither of us knew much Spanish, and he walked away. Leighanne leaned across the table and grasped my hands as we prayed grace over the food together, and when we opened our eyes, she leaned over and kissed me softly.

We ate our food and continued in conversation, though the later the night got, the more nervous I became because the less time I had to keep my promise to myself to tell her about the tour and the surgery and everything, and I knew that I had to tell her. So when we'd finished our meals and laid our forks down the final time, I reached over and took her hand in mine. "I need to talk to you," I said, my tone serious.

Leighanne's smile slowly sunk off her face as she met my eyes. "What is it?" she asked.

"Well it's kind of good news," I balked.

A smile started to crawl its way back onto her lips, "Then why so serious?" she asked quietly.

"Lou got us some really amazing tour dates," I said, "We got signed to play the MGM Grand in Vegas." My voice carried excitement, and I grinned at her, "Isn't that incredible? Me -- on stage at the MGM Grand."

"Wow," her eyebrows went up, impressed. She squeezed my hand, "That's fantastic, Brian. I'm proud of you." She paused, licked her lips, and her eyes met mine squarely. "And what an incredible return to the stage after a heart surgery," she added, her eyes pleading me to agree, to confirm that was what I meant.

I swallowed, "Well, see..."

She shook her head, "No," she said quietly.

"It's only until August," I said, "Then I can go and get the surgery done. August 20th, actually. I rescheduled for August 20th."

Leighanne stared at me. "You're supposed to be going this month," she said.

"Actually it got pushed back to May anyway," I said, forgetting she didn't know about the video shoot.

Leighanne's eyebrows went up, "Brian!" she said, "Why?"

"Video," I said, "We're shooting a video with Bille Woodruff!"

"I don't care if you're shooting it with Jesus Christ," she snapped, "You need a surgery, Brian."

"I know and I'm gonna get one," I said.

"It doesn't do any good if you're dead," she snapped.

"Don't be like that," I said, "It's not like I'm just blowing it off for the fun of it, it's for work, for a career that I've worked really hard at for a long time. This is our big break, Leighanne, it's the MGM Grand, you know? This is it, this is the big time."

Tears had flooded her eyes and she shook her head, "You don't even hear yourself," she said, her voice threatening to break. "Why can't you see how ridiculous you're being?"

"I'm not being --"

"But you are," she cut me off. "No. No. Brian, you need to go back to the hotel and you need to tell Lou to - to --" she drew a breath, "to fuck himself." The word sounded awkward coming out of her mouth, the way curses do when they come out of someone who doesn't normally say words like that. Leighanne grabbed my hand, "You need to cancel the MGM Grand and go get your heart fixed."

"I can't cancel the MGM Grand," I said, "You should've seen the look on the other guys' faces. Kevin and Howie and AJ and Nick -- they want it so badly. I can't be the reason they don't get it."

"They don't even know about your heart," she said.

"They know, I told them when I postponed it for the music video," I said.

Leighanne's eyes registered shock. "They know and they're just okay with you postponing your surgery? You told them about the VSD and the splash back? You told them about the doctor wanting you to go as soon as possible? About him telling you last year you might need it and you putting it off then for them? You told them all that and they were just fine with you postponing it until August?"

"This tour is important," I said, "And it costs a lot of money to just cancel tour dates. A lot of work goes into making the schedules and getting things set up. It's our careers at stake."

"Now you sound like Lou," Leighanne spat.

"I don't sound like Lou," but even as I argued I knew she was right, and I despised myself for it. I'd used the exact line that had made me detest Lou so much over the last couple months.

Leighanne shook her head. "Brian, this is wrong."

"It's what I choose; it's my choice to make!" I cried hotly, angry more with myself for sounding like Lou than her for pointing it out, angry with myself because even as I fought to defend myself, I knew she was the one that was right. "And as my fiance I would think you would back me up instead of putting me down! I'd think that you would respect my decision!"

"Oh you think I should respect your choice to let yourself die?" she said, her voice hard, "Fine. Fine." She whipped the napkin that she'd laid across her lap across the table. "Fine, Brian. I respect your decision. Happy now?" She stood up. "I'm done. This is over." And just like that, she stormed away from the table. As she reached the edge of the deck, she reached up and yanked her hair down, so that it fell around her shoulders in a flurry.

Over? What in the hell did she mean by over?

"Leighanne!" I called after her, panic rising in my throat. "Leighanne!" I stood up also, almost knocking over the table, and threw money down on the table - more than enough to cover the bill - and rushed after her.

By the time I caught up to her, Leighanne was standing on the end of the dock, looking out at the water. The moon and stars and the string lights from the restaurant all reflected off the rippling surface, and her hair fluttered in the slight breeze that rolled across the bay. I stayed a few paces back and bit my lower lip, staring at her back, unsure what to say to her.

Her voice broke the night air. "I'm sorry," she said thickly, her slight southern accent making her words almost melodious. She shook her head, "I don't know what else to say, Brian." She sniffled.

A lump rose in my throat, and I stepped closer. "What did I do wrong?" I asked.

Leighanne turned around. "Brian..." she took a deep breath and two steps towards me, closing the gap. She laid a hand on my cheek. "It's not that you did anything wrong," she said.

"Then what?" I asked, "Why are you leaving me? I need you."

"I love you too much for this," she answered.

"You can't love me too much," I said.

Leighanne's eyes were sad. "I can and I do. Don't you understand Brian? It's killing you. It's literally killing you. And instead of being upset that your best friends don't care, you just keep making excuses for them and all the while it just keeps getting worse and worse..."

"They do care, baby, it's just that I gotta do this one tour and then I'll have time off and --"

"Brian, that's what you said in March about this leg of the tour," she interrupted.

"It's just until August or September," I said.

"Brian you don't have until August or September. Don't you understand that?" Leighanne's eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what you want me to do," I said, flapping my arms, "I don't have a choice, I'm signed into a contract and I can't afford to break it."

Leighanne shook her head, "What is worth more to you, Brian? Money or your life? Being a Backstreet Boy, or being alive?"

"It's not like --"

"Yes, it is like that," she cried. "Don't you understand that every night when you're on stage and I'm standing in the wings and I'm watching you I'm not thinking about what a great show it is or how awesome you sound or how great you did that one move? I'm standing there and all I can think is that at any moment your heart's going to stop. I can't take it anymore."

"Baby..." I stepped toward her, extending my arms, about to wrap them around her.

"No Brian," Leighanne backed away, pushing my arms off of her. "No." She wrapped her arms around herself as a gust of wind came up her back, blowing her hair towards me. She stared at me, her eyes searching my face. She sniffled. "I swore to myself I'd never be this kind of person --" she mumbled.

"What kind of person?"

"The kind that makes ultimatums."

"Baby please..." I stepped towards her again.

Again, she pushed my arms away. "Brian, you need to choose," she said, "You need to choose."

"Choose what? Between you and the Backstreet Boys?" My throat felt on fire.

Leighanne shook her head, "No. No, I'm not asking you to quit the band. But if you don't do the surgery - now, not later - then I need to leave."

"Leighanne, it's really not that much longer 'til August, how big of a difference can it possibly make?" I asked.

She reached for her hand and pulled off the ring I'd given her. She tucked it into my palm. "This big," she whispered. She stepped around me and I stared at the water, numbness crawling through my veins. I listened to her shoes clicking off the wooden dock all the way back to the restaurant's patio, unable to react. I carefully unfolded my hand, and stared down at the canary yellow diamond.

It took me several long moments to process what had just happened, and I stood there, numb and unable to breathe for what seemed a decade or two. I stared out at the water, at boats passing through the moonlight. Finally, with a shaky breath, I turned and walked down the dock to the shore. In the lot, I found she'd taken the car, and I was left stranded. I could've taken any number of cabs that lined the sidewalk, but I opted instead to walk because that's what it felt like I should do. That's what it felt like was the only thing I could do.

I wandered the Valencia streets for a bit, meandering my way back to the hotel. I wondered where she'd gone when she'd left, what she was going to do. I passed so many couples in the streets and all I could do was look away and send nasty thoughts their way. I felt guilty each time I wished illwill, but I couldn't stop. My hand stayed clutched around the ring as I tried to make sense of it being back in my possession. The idea had been when I gave it to her that she would never again take it off.

By the time I got back to the hotel and climbed the stairs to the room I was sharing with Nick, my feet felt like lead and my stomach had tied itself into probably a hundred thousand knots. I pulled my key out of my pocket and unlocked the door. A part of me had hoped she'd be there, but she wasn't. Instead, the room was empty save for Nick, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the glow of the television, the sounds of Nintendo coming from the speakers. He hardly looked over as I walked in, removed my suit coat and tie, and dropped them onto the floor. I kicked off my shoes.

"Where's Boob-Job Barbie?" Nick asked.

And just like that I was overcome with a rage like I'd never felt before. In my sock feet, I grabbed his NES system and chucked it to the floor, ripping the paddle right out of his hand. The game system hit the carpet with a pathetic crunch and rolled. Nick let out a shriek. "I was on level forty-eight! What the fuck!" I punched the wall squarely, pulled down everything that was hanging in our little closet and swiped the ice bucket, cups, coffee packets and hotel stationary off the dresser. "Whoa, dude, calm down," Nick said, his brows stitching together in concern. But I was on a roll. I felt like the Incredible Hulk, I was angry and I was unstoppable.

Nick crawled onto his bed, stood in the center and stared at me with wide eyes from his elevated standpoint as I chucked the bedside lamp to the far wall and pushed the alarm clock over. I stood there between the two beds, panting. My heart thundered in my ears so much faster than it should've. My hands shook and a chill came over my entire body.

Nick stared at me for a long moment, then slowly lowered himself to his knees. "Are you finished?" he asked. He sounded like my mother, when I was a kid and I'd thrown a fit because I couldn't try out for little league or because she'd said no when I asked for a candy bar in the store.

I considered his question. Was I done? What if Leighanne was right? What if I didn't have until August or September to put off getting my heart fixed? What if I did this tour and it did kill me? Was I really done living?

I looked up at him. "No," I said, answering myself more than his question. "I'm not done yet."

Nick hesitated. Then he rolled backwards, grabbed the lamp off the far bedside table, and handed it to me. "Here."

Without a second thought, I chucked it against the wall and the sound of the shattering glass seemed to smooth my broken nerves. I dropped to my knees on the carpet and covered my face. Tears were threatening to fall, but I wouldn't let them. I gasped oxygen into my body, almost choking on it as it ripped my throat raw. Nick crawled off the bed and knelt down beside me. "Dude, what in the hell happened?" he asked.

"She left me," I gasped out the words.

"What?" his voice pinched in surprise.

"Leighanne," I said, dropping the ring that I still had clutched in my fist into his palm. "She left me. She dumped me. She's gone."

Nick was quiet and I felt him get up and put the ring down and he came back a moment later with a cup of water. "I'm sorry dude," he said, handing me the water. "Here, drink this."

"I'm not thirsty," I gasped.

Nick held it out to me anyways, "You gotta drink."

I took it and downed it in a couple quick gulps. I looked up at Nick. "What am I gonna do without her?" I asked him.

He frowned, "I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do without her," I repeated myself, and I wrapped my own arms around myself. "I don't know what to do."

"You're gonna get back up and move on," Nick answered.

"I don't know how," I said.

"Sure ya do." Nick shrugged. "Bri, you're a tough guy, you can do this. She's just a girl."

I shook my head, "She isn't just a girl, Nick," I said, "She's my girl."

"Why'd she break up with you?" Nick asked.

"Because of the tour, she's not supportive of the tour," I whispered.

He stared at me for a long moment, "Well shouldn't your woman stand by you? Support you?"

I nodded.

"Then maybe she wasn't right for you."

I felt numb. I didn't wanna hear anyone say she wasn't right for me because deep down inside I knew she was the only one that was right in this situation. This stupid, fricking, unchangable situation. I shook my head, "I can't. I can't..." I crawled onto the bed, and curled up on top of the blankets, hugging my knees to my chest.