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Chapter Thirty-Six


The morning ride to Madrid felt so long. I sat in the backseat, staring out the window at the Spanish countryside, unable to focus or appreciate any of it, because all I could think about was Leighanne. I found out when she'd left the restaurant she'd returned to the hotel, got her things while Nick and AJ had still been off doing whatever it is Nick and AJ do, and had told Howie, who she bumped into in the hallway, that she was going back to the States. And just like that, she was gone.

I missed her already, only hours since she'd left, and my heart ached dully from both emotional pain and the physical pain that I'd become so used to. It seemed somehow sharper now, though, and I could scarcely bear it.

"What's wrong with BRok?" I heard AJ ask, leaning back to talk to Nick, who'd perched himself by my side like a loyal dog - a yellow lab, like I said before.

"L-E-E-H-A-N broke up with him," Nick replied only just above a whisper.

"It's L-E-I-G-H-A-N-N-E," I corrected him, "And I'm not a child, I can spell."

"She broke up with him?" AJ asked, incredulous, not even acknowledging I'd spoken.

"Yeah," Nick said quietly.

"Why'd she break up with you?" Howie asked, glancing back to join in the conversation.

AJ's voice was low with concern, and now that Howie had pulled me into the discussion, he asked me, "Did you fuck a groupie? 'Cos girls don't like it when you fuck groupies."

"Leave him alone," Kevin's voice was serious from the next row up. AJ and Howie turned forward and Nick leaned back in his seat. "When and if Brian wants you to know what happened, he will tell you. And that doesn't mean to bug the crap out of him either. Just let him be."

Nobody really talked to me for the rest of the ride, I just stared out the window and lost myself in my thoughts, other than when we stopped for gas and Nick asked if I wanted anything in the store. I said no, but he brought me back a bottle of juice anyways and insisted I drink it, which I did reluctantly only because he was trying so hard to help that it seemed a shame to let him down and not accept what he was doing.

It was like I was in a haze, like it didn't quite reach home that she was really gone.

I moved through the motions of the shows in Madrid, not really paying attention to the fans at the meet and greets, or the fellas when we all sat backstage and talked. I know I was worrying Nick, who kept trying to include me but I'd be in a daze until he'd said my name two or three times and snapped me out of it. I wouldn't know what they were talking about and just absently agree or whatever and go back to thinking about Leighanne. I thought about her hair a lot, and this weird thing that her teeth do when she smiles too widely. I missed the smell of her hair and the way she pronounced my name just a little bit differently than everyone else. I missed being able to reach out and hold her hand.

In Portugal, the last stop on the tour, Nick and I were laying in our hotel room when the phone rang. Some irrational part of me thought maybe it was Leighanne and I leaped for the phone only to find out it was actually for Nick, his mother. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to his half of the conversation.

When he hung up, I looked over at him, and he had a blurry kind of look on his face, and he flopped backward onto his own bed, only upside down so his head was at the foot of the bed, and, like me, was staring at the ceiling. He put his feet up on the wall. "What's the matter, Frack?" I asked quietly. It was the first time I'd really sparked a conversation since Leighanne had left, and he looked at me with a sort of surprised look before he replied.

"Lou gave my mom a hundred grand to shut her mouth about me and him," he said quietly.

I sat up, "Seriously?"

Nick nodded silently.

"And she took it?"

Nick nodded again. "We needed the money," he said. It occurred to me then that Nick had been basically supporting his family for the past five years on the same pay that I was making myself and barely able to make ends meet with. It wasn't fair, and Lou... It felt like a slap in the face because Lou had a hundred grand to just give Jane Carter. Where in hell did he get a hundred grand? From us, from our hard work, from everything we were earning and he just wasn't giving to us.

"Are you okay?" I asked, because Nick had fallen into an ominous silence, his nose flaring and slackening as though he were struggling not to cry.

"Everyone chooses money, don't they?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

Nick shuffled his feet against the wall. "Just it seems like money is worth more than lives these days is all."

"It's not," I said heavily.

Nick glanced over at me. "I'm sorry Leighanne left," he said.

"Me, too," I answered.

The show that night went well. I tried to pull myself up by my bootstraps and be my usual cheerful self on the stage because thats what the fans needed. It was after all a show and the show must go on and they needn't be pulled into my personal life. It was a challenge, though, to be what they needed me to, and when the show was over I felt completely drained and exhausted. Of course, part of that was simply the relief of having wrapped up another round of touring. It was always physically draining to finish up a tour, like the knowledge that there were more dates was what kept us energized so long, and now that the end had come we allowed ourselves to feel the exhaustion.

The flight back to Florida felt like it took forever. In Orlando, Nick gave me a big hug and told me he'd call later to check on me. He told Kevin to make sure I drank orange juice. As he walked away, carrying his backpack and being tailed by security to go meet up with his mother, Kevin said, "He really cares about you."

I sighed, "He's my Frack," I said.

AJ's mom was there to pick him up, too, so we said bye to AJ as well, then Howie, Kevin and I got into Kevin's car, which he'd left in long term parking, and we drove back to our apartment. We climbed the steps and pushed our way into the apartment, wading over a months' worth of mail that had been pushed through the slot in our door. Kevin scooped it all up and went to the kitchen to sort it, Howie disappeared to his bedroom, and I put my dufflebag in my room.

On my desk lay the yellow legal pad with the words I'd written down to try to propose to Leighanne with. I'd never used them because I'd only barely stammered out what I had of the proposal and I felt bad that I hadn't used the words I'd really meant. Maybe if I had, things would be different. That was bull, I knew, but I couldn't help but think it. I put the legal pad in the top desk drawer, and pulled the canary yellow diamond out of my pocket and put it with the pad of paper and closed the drawer. I couldn't handle looking at either again right now. Eventually, I'd bring the diamond somewhere and sell it, but not now.

I returned to the kitchen and sat down at the table across from Kevin, who was methodically making piles of mail sorted by each of our names and a fourth for junk mail. When I sat, he got up, opened the fridge and took out the orange juice and pushed it across the table. "I promised," he said, smiling slightly as he sat back down.

I unscrewed the cap and took a drink from the bottle without bothering for a cup.

"So..." he said quietly.

"So," I answered.

He looked up from the mail he was sorting. "How's things?" I gave him a look. "Okay so that was a dumbass question." He paused. "What I'm really asking is if you told Aunt Jackie yet?"

I laughed, "You want me to tell her I'm in need of a surgery that I'm not having surgery until August?" I asked, "Kev, have you met my mother?"

He turned back to the mail. I could tell he knew I was right cos of the way his eyebrows moved together and apart as he thought and sorted the mail. He looked up again after a few moments. "When I first told my dad I wanted to get into the entertainment business, you know what he said to me?"

"What?" I asked, curious. It was so rarely that Kevin spoke of my Uncle Jerald that I knew in order for him to bring it up, whatever he had to say was vitally important.

"He told me this story about these flies... see there was this honey pot that had tipped over and the flies smelled it and they all came, from miles away, and they ate like they never ate before. It was so great, they'd never had honey so sweet, you know? But they ate so long and so greedy-like that their little feet got stuck in the honey and in trying to rip their feet away, their wings got sticky, and before they knew it they couldn't move to fly away and they started suffocating and as they were dying, they exclaimed, 'We destroyed ourselves over the sake of a little pleasure.'"

Kevin stared at me meaningfully, but I wasn't quite sure what the hell he was talking about. I gave him a confused expression.

"My dad worried I was being the flies, that I was throwing away opportunities to go after some sweet spot that I wasn't even promised to find," he explained. He looked me right in the eyes, "My dad was wrong. I did what I needed to do to make myself happy, and I am happy. What I wanted worked and I have so much to show for it." Kevin took a deep breath, "But it was important, before I chose to come out here, that I really thought about it, that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I wasn't a fly being drawn to honey."

"Okay," I said slowly.

Kevin nodded. He turned back to the sorting of the mail.

Since Kevin was evidently done explaining the flies in the honey story, I screwed the cap back onto the juice and I put the container back into the fridge. "I'm going to bed," I announced.

"Night," he replied.

In my room, I sat down on the bed and stared at the drawer the ring and the legal pad were in, but I didn't let myself open it.

The weekend went incredibly slow. I didn't leave the house, I kept waiting for Leighanne to call, to check up on me, I kept waiting for the courage to call her to come, but neither came. I found myself spending most of my time just sitting in my room, staring at the drawer, staring into space, day dreaming, wishing things were different. In the time following Leighanne leaving me, I became more and more thankful for the upcoming tour. If I had to deal with the heart break of losing Leighanne, I didn't want to do it alone in a hospital bed. I needed to be with the fellas.

On Sunday, April 19th, we spent our first day with Bille Woodruff, basically going over the concept for the music video we would be filming. The idea was basic enough - each of us would be in our own "room" in a townhouse, there would be spinning vortexes we stood and sang it, lots of colors, personality. Some girls to be fake girlfriends. You know the drill - the typical boy band slash popstar music video. Upbeat, bright, cheerful, colorful.

The video might've been cheerful and upbeat and all that, but I certainly wasn't. I felt numb as we talked about the set and the process of filming and all that. Nick did everything in his power to cheer me up, though. Goofing off with the green screen, cracking jokes, laughing uproariously when I told jokes - even the ones that weren't funny or it was obvious he didn't get. Becaues he was trying so hard to take care of me, I felt obligated to be happy for him, and I forced my way through the searing pain I felt to be my usual, fun self for him. It was hard, though, and I honestly don't know how I did it. That night, I stood in the bathroom back at the apartment, gasping for air as my chest tightened from stress. I splashed water on my face, waiting for aspirin to kick in to release the pain.

"Brian," Kevin called, knocking on the door, "You okay in there?"

"Just perfect," I called back.

Day Two on the shoot happened to be our official five-year anniversary. Nick showed up carrying a tray of Twinkies that he'd assembled close together and smeared with frosting. "Surprise," he said, flopping the tray down on the table spread that included PBJ sandwiches and chips in a bowl. He picked one up and bit into it. The frosting stuck to his teeth and he grinned, "God I love Twinkies," he announced.

"Did he seriously frost Twinkies?" Howie whispered. Then, when I'd nodded, he said, "Like Twinkies don't have enough sugar as it is?"

We were all still gathered around Nick's frosted Twinkies when Bille Woodruff came in, the extras that would play our girlfriends in the video in tow. I was picking at the bowl of chips, and Nick was on his third Twinkie, and he looked up, froze in the middle of shoving it into his mouth, and started choking.

"You okay?"

"Dmmf mmph uhhfmm," he gasped through his Twinkie-filled mouth.

"What?"

"Mmhpmmm!" he replied, chewing rapidly, eyes wide.

I turned, following his gaze across the set to Bille and the five girls at his heels... and that's when I spotted her. My stomach leaped into my throat and I rushed around the table and stood half behind Nick, peeking over his shoulder as best as my short legs would let me.

He swallowed the Twinkie, "What's Boob Job Barbie doin' here?" he asked.

"I don't know!" I replied, panicking.

Leighanne was in the crowd of five, talking to one of the other girls. She turned and her eyes locked on me, hiding behind Nick, and a sad flicker ran through her eyes. "Did they seriously cast her?"

AJ came over and grabbed a Twinkie. "Cast who?"

"Boob Job Barbie," Nick replied.

"The Bitch is here?" AJ looked when Nick pointed at her. "Damn she's got balls, huh?" He smirked, "She still got your balls, Brian?"

"Shut up," I snapped under my breath.

"Well I'm just saying, since you're hiding behind Nick and all," AJ shrugged and bit into the Twinkie.

Howie appeared. "Maybe she's here to apologize and stuff like that," he suggested, having evidently caught himself up quickly or else overheard us.

Nick glanced back at me. "You think?" he asked me.

"I dunno," I replied quietly, "I don't think so. She was pretty adament about what she said and stuff," I added.

"Why'd you break up for again?" Nick asked, but before I could answer, he added, "Mayday! Incoming!" and I looked over his shoulder again to see Bille and all five of the girls start walking toward the table. "Act cool," he demanded. AJ immediately looked at his sandwich and Howie leaned against the table awkwardly. Nick glanced at Howie, "Dude, you are not cool. Go over there." He pointed across the room, where Kevin was standing.

Howie frowned, "Why are you always pickin' on me..." but he obeyed and wandered away, carrying a cup of lemonade.

"I got you guys your girlfriends for the set. Some familiar faces I think?" he grinned.

Leighanne leaned to look at me behind Nick. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"Shall we get some filming done?" Bille asked eagerly, not noticing the awkwardness, and he whisked the five girls away toward the sets.

"Sorry, but they interest me more than you," AJ said, thumbing at the girls as they walked away. He followed after them, tilting his head and lowering his sunglasses to check out their rearends.

Nick looked at me. "You okay?"

"I'll be better when I get a chance to talk to her and find out why she's here," I replied.

"Okay so let's go do that, then," He said and grabbed one more Twinkie before we set off following AJ, Bille, and the girls.

I followed after Nick, who sauntered right over and stood next to Leighanne. I hovered on his other side. He glanced down at her. "Sup."

She looked up, "Hey Nick," she replied. She looked over at me, "Brian."

I waved with the tips of my fingers.

"What'cha doin' here?" Nick asked.

"Playing Brian's girlfriend," Leighanne replied.

Nick nodded, "Right. But besides that?"

"It's a paying job," Leighanne answered.

"Do you want him back?" Nick asked straight up. I jabbed him in the side. He glanced at me, "What? I figure just asking is better than bleeding around the bush."

"Beating," Leighanne and I both corrected at the same time.

"Whatever," Nick said. "So - do you?" he asked.

Leighanne looked at me. "Did things change?"

"No," I answered.

"Then no," she said to Nick.

Nick looked from me to her and back again. "Okay. Well there ya go Brian, you know now."

"Nick?" Bille called for Nick, "You're up."

"Well I did what I can do here," he said, and he walked away to go work on shooting his scene in his futuristic room.

I stood there awkwardly, a couple feet between Leighanne and I, and my mouth was completely dry. I glanced over at her. My hands tingled to just reach out and touch her. I took a breath, "Can't we just... rewind it... undo it?" I asked quietly.

"I wish we could," she answered.

"Why can't we?" I asked.

Leighanne's eyes were brilliant blue - bluer than I remembered them, I think - "Brian," she said gently, "I can't watch you die."

"Then why are you here?" I asked.

"I was praying you'd changed your mind," she answered.

I felt hot all over and looked away. I could hear my heart beating somewhere deep inside of me, and I took a long, shaking breath in and then out. "I can't change my mind," I said.

"You could," she replied.

"So could you," I answered.

"I can't," she said simply. "For far better reasons than you can't."

The shoot was painfully slow. When it came to my turn, Bille called out, "Okay, Brian, so for the first half of this I need you to look heart broken, really make us feel your anxiousness."

"That's... not a problem," I replied, and as the music cued up and I sang along for the camera to catch, I didn't even have to act.

The hardest part was when it was time to film the quick shots with Leighanne. We sat on the bed in my set as the camera started rolling and Leighanne's smile was so gorgeous, her eyes so perfect and blue. "Are you sure?" I asked her, "That you can't change your mind?"

She nodded, and though she looked sad, she never stopped smiling while the film was rolling. She was, after all, an actress.

After what felt like a million takes, Bille finally called it a wrap on my set, and Leighanne got up quickly and rushed away. I followed, my throat closing around a lump that had arisen in it. She was standing by the table when I caught up to her, tears in her eyes. "Are those Twinkies?" she asked thickly, staring down at the half-eaten tray that made me suspect Nick had been back while I was filming my set.

"Yeah, Nick brought them," I replied.

"He frosted Twinkies?"

I nodded.

Leighanne stared at the Twinkies for a long moment, then closed her eyes, "I'm sorry I can't just overlook this," she said, "I really am, I'm sorry I can't support this." She turned to look at me, opening her eyes, "But if I did --" her voice broke and she paused, licked her lips and gathered herself, "If I did, and something happened, I could never forgive myself."

"Nothing's going to happen..." I pleaded.

"And if you aren't willing to fight for yourself, then you aren't going to ever fight for me, either," she whispered.

"I would always fight for you," I said.

Leighanne shook her head, "You aren't, though."