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Chapter Six


January 1st marked the official beginning of the tour. Our first concert was to be held that night at the Molson Center. Nick was feeling better, even though I wasn't, and was bouncing off the walls come morning. I questioned whether he'd slept at all because he had dark circles under his eyes. We'd been out until almost two and it was only eight in the morning when he roused me, saying he was hungry and wanted to go get breakfast. When I shuffled to the bathroom I noticed an empty Twinkie wrapper in the trash by the TV stand. "So much for your resolution, huh?" I asked.

"Technically," Nick said, following me, "I kept my resolution, which was to eat less Twinkies, not no Twinkies. And normally I eat two."

I closed him out of the bathroom.

The rest of the day went by in a flash. Between prepping, doing a quick meet and greet set up by a radio station, soundchecks, and final costume checks, we were like a whirlwind of music, smiles, and hyperactivity. I was exhausted long before the show even was the next thing on our agendas. I was thankful when we took a dinner break while they let the fans into the arena at a little steak restaurant near by. Nick kept loudly announcing how hungry he was, and Kevin asked him, "When aren't you hungry?"

"I dunno, when I'm full, I guess," Nick answered.

"Does that happen?" Howie asked.

Nick didn't get that they were making fun of him, so he answered it seriously: "I dunno," he said, shrugging, "Sometimes."

It's funny how being tired can take a toll on friendships and families. Normally Nick's reaction would've sent our whole group into fits of laughter, but today our banter was less energetic than it normally would be. I tried lightening the tension by talking like Freud and pretending to analyze my steak's problems, but the chuckles I got were less than satisfactory, other than from Nick, who thought everything I did was funny. I ended up barely touching my steak before I pushed my plate away, the tension at the table was running too high.

"You gonna finish that?" Nick asked.

I shoved my plate his direction.

Johnny appeared beside our table to herd us off to the concert. His cell phone was glued to his cheek as he argued about the latest drama happening for NSYNC. Nick frowned as we followed him out to the waiting car. "Is he always advocating for them?" he hissed.

"Yeah, who's tour is he on again?" AJ chortled.

"Relax guys, NSYNC needs all the help they can get," I laughed, grinning. But they didn't laugh back. Tension was seriously running high.

On the way back to the venue, I gotta little motion sick from the car, and when we called out I felt slightly dizzy. I didn't want to let on at all, so I followed the guys into the venue, chattering away. I figured if my wits were working well enough to talk, then I was going to be fine standing upright. "Did you know this place holds 15,000 people and is connected to an underground city?"

Kevin looked at me like I was retarded.

"It's considered the sister city of Hiroshima in Japan, too," I added.

I ducked under Kevin's arm as he held open the door for the four of us and trotted down the hall toward the dressing rooms. "It was originally called Ville-Marie, which means village of Mary..."

"Okay why are you being a walking text book?" Kevin asked.

"I dunno," I answered, "Just trying to be interesting."

I shut up though. The dizzy spell had ended anyways. So we continued down the hallway, the only sound was the hum of conversation overhead in the stands as the fans found their seats, our sneakers squeaking and scuffing on the floor, and Johnny yapping about some photo shoot NSYNC was doing. When we reached the dressing room, we were put into our first set costumes and we gathered in a huddle to do our preshow prayer and the show began.

It was easy to get energy for the stage. The fans radiated energy. It was like being connected to a battery charge. And while my voice was still a little rough from the cold, I managed to put on a good show. From opening with That's The Way I Like It to closing with Backstreet's Back, we had a fantastic show, and the fans' cheers thundering after the last of the lights went out told us that they all agreed. Security rushed us through the dark underbelly of the venue, out the back door, and onto a van waiting to bring us out to Ottawa for the next show, trying to beat the fans out so we didn't encounter a lot of traffic.

I sighed in relief as I dropped next to Kevin in the back of the van. Kev was scootched up against the window, looking out at the lights of the city, followed by Howie. Nick and AJ were seated in the front row, with Johnny and Lou in the center, right in front of us. "Oh Lordy," I muttered, leaning back in my center seat.

"Feels good to be with the grown ups for once, huh?" Kevin joked.

I laughed, "Actually yes. No offense to Nick or anything, but hell yeah."

"I hear ya'll talkin' about me back there," Nick called over his shoulder.

"I'd have to beat the crap out of that kid if I was around him as much as you," Howie confessed. "Or at least cut his sugar intake."

"Well he gave up Twinkies for his New Years resolution," I laughed.

Kevin literally snorted, "The Hostess company ought to be going out of business if Nick really does give them up."

"Well he already broke it, he had one this morning before I got up," I laughed.

"That's because I only revolved to cut back not cut them out," Nick argued. He meant resolved but switched the word in one of his classic Nick goof-ups.

Kevin rolled his eyes and looked out the window as the car pulled away from the venue and Johnny started in on his phone once again. He was booking a flight for NSYNC now. The fellas were right, he was spending an awful lot of time thinking about NSYNC while on our tour. But I understood he was a busy guy. It was probably really hard keeping track of multiple bands at the same time.

The ride was supposed to take a little less than three hours from Montreal to Ottawa, but the way the van was hurtling through the dark on the freeway made me think maybe it'd be more like two.

I licked my lips. Now that I was away from Nick would be a good time to talk to Kevin seriously. "Hey Kev," I said quietly, hoping Nick wouldn't overhear, "I have a question for you."

"Yeah?" He turned back from the window to look at me.

"Have you ever... I dunno... thought about marriage?"

Kevin had been seeing his current girlfriend since Lord knows when. A long time. I figured if anyone had sage advice to give, it would be him. He looked at me, one eyebrow raised, his mouth twisted in a strange position. "Did Kris tell you to ask me this?" he asked.

"What? No," I shook my head, "I --"

"Because I saw ya'll talking at Christmas dinner and I gotta say it's kind of between me and her."

"No I know that, we were talking about something else at Christmas, I'm asking about me and --"

"What were you talking about else?" Kevin's eyebrow deepened.

Howie interrupted, "Dude, you're asking Leighanne to marry you?"

Kevin's eyebrow popped into place. "What? Seriously?"

"Yeah," I replied, "Well at least I think so. I don't know. I wanted to talk to you guys about it first. What do you think? Because I've been thinking about it and, I think..." I took a deep breath, "I think it's what I want."

"Good for you," Kevin said.

"You're going to make such cute babies," Howie commented.

"If we even need any kids," I joked, "We've already resigned ourselves to the fact that we're pretty much saddled with Nick."

Kevin nodded, "Nobody else is gonna take him." We glanced over at him and AJ as they goofed off. Nick was flailing and laughing loudly. "Except maybe AJ."

"I'm sure we could pawn him off on a fan," Howie said.

"Human trafficking is illegal," Kevin responded. "But seriously thats great, Cuz." He smiled. "I'm happy for you."

Kevin's positive response only solidified my confidence in my choice to go ahead and ask Leighanne the Big Question. Lou turned his head. "Did I hear ya'll talking about engagements back here?"

"Just talking, Lou," Kevin replied.

"Oh good, good." Lou butt back out of our conversation.

Why the hell would Lou care? And it suddenly occurred to me that getting married actually probably would effect the Backstreet Boys as a whole and how we were marketed. I pushed the thought out of my mind. It wasn't worth worrying about. Hundreds of singers before me had gotten hitched and not lost their musical careers over it, and I wouldn't either.

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I'd fallen asleep on the ride. Which it turned out to be a good thing I got sleep on the ride because we didn't get much once we arrived in Ottawa. It was ten degrees out but felt more like four and yet there were still a ton of fans waiting for us in front of the hotel as we pulled up. It took us probably an hour to get into the hotel itself, and by the time Nick and I collapsed into our pillows, we only had an hour and a half before Lou was knocking at our doors to get us moving to an early morning TV appearance.

By our lunch break before rehearsal and soundchecks that day, I was so exhausted I would've slept on a pin. I laid my head down on the table in the McDonalds we were eating at and closed my eyes, only half listening as Nick rambled on and on about the toy he'd gotten in his Happy Meal.

Kevin kicked me under the table. "What?" I asked, lifting my head.

"You should eat," he said. "You didn't finish your steak yesterday, and you skipped breakfast this morning. You need to eat." He pushed the tray with my burger, fries, and chocolate milkshake on it closer to me.

"I'm too tired to eat," I replied, but I could tell by the look on his face he wasn't going to give up the cause until I did, so I started forcing food into myself. I really wasn't hungry, though. I didn't really know why, I just knew I wasn't. Kevin was right, I hadn't eaten a lot over the last few days, but I didn't feel deprived at all.

Nick wound up his toy and let it roll across the table, where it hit Kevin's soda cup. Kevin looked up from his food at Nick, who smiled and quickly grabbed the toy off the table. "Sorry," Nick said, though his voice sounded anything but.

When we'd finished, we headed out to the Corel Center where we were led through yet another long stretch of rehearsal/soundcheck/show/running to the van and off to Toronto. I was in the front with Nick this time, but even given his hyperactivity on such a long ride (Ottawa to Toronto was a little better than five hours), I still managed to fall asleep. I was that tired.

I woke up somewhere along the way at a gas stop with Nick leaning on me, cuddling into my shoulder. AJ was leaning over the seat behind us, holding up a Polaroid camera, which he snapped just as I opened my eyes, blinding me with the flash. "You guys make a cute couple," AJ joked, leaning back, shaking the Polaroid print as he disappeared.

I shrugged out from underneath Nick, waking him up only slightly. His head hit the seat and he snuggled down into that. "Gimme that," I yawned, reaching for the print, but AJ passed it back to Howie and Kevin in the back before I could reach it. Kevin laughed, and wiggled a finger at his cheek to indicate for me to wipe my face. I rubbed my fist against my cheek and discovered Nick had drooled on my face. I swiped his saliva off and wiped it on his back. "Disgusting, Frack," I complained.

"...don't wanna..." Nick muttered, smooshing his face further into the seat cushions at my touch.

AJ laughed, "Hopefully the weird isn't contagious BRok or else you caught it." He grinned and snatched the Polaroid from Howie, who was laughing at it. He studied it for a moment, "This is just classic. How much you think a teen mag would pay for this?" he handed it to Kevin.

Kevin snorted, "At least a months' rent."

"Sweeet," AJ crooned.

I launched myself over the back of my seat and over the second one, toward AJ, trying to get the Polaroid and ended up folded like a taco shell in the middle seat. I struggled to get back up while the other guys laughed at my predictament. The van door rolled open and Johnny and Lou stood in the doorway looking like I was nuts. "What the hell are you doing?" Lou asked, "Can't leave you Boys alone for five minutes..." he grumbled as I crawled out of the van and back into place next to Nick on the front seat.

"How much you think we can get for this picture?" AJ asked, taking it from Kev and handing it to Lou as he settled into the center seat with Johnny.

Lou studied it. "Well don't you two look cozy." He looked at me, "Is this what you two are fighting over?" he asked. I nodded, and Lou promptly tucked it into his chest pocket on his shirt. "I'll just hold onto this then," he decided, "Then you can both calm down."

AJ grumbled and sat back in the far seat, Kevin smirking, and I faced forward, being careful not to sit on Nick's head or sprawled out hair, which fanned across the seat over his head like is skull was glowing.

The rest of the ride was quiet, at least until Nick woke up just outside of Toronto and AJ called up, "Good morning Sleeping Beauty," and explained about the picture.

"I did not hug Brian," Nick argued.

"Actually you did," I answered as Lou took the picture out of his pocket and held it up for Nick to inspect. Nick scowled at the picture and tried to snap it away before Lou returned it to his pocket and patted it as though reassuring it was there.

"I said you two make a cute couple," AJ repeated his joke.

Nick scowled even harder, "We're not a couple."

"Someone's cranky," Howie whispered.

"Too long on the road," Kevin said.

Nick turned around, crossing his arms and glowering out the front window. "I don't understand why I always gotta get shit on," he complained.

"You're the baby," I answered, "That's why." I glanced back at the other guys trying to signal them to leave him alone. After all, I was the only one that had to deal with him later.

Unfortunately AJ doesn't ever seem to receive such signals and he continued teasing Nick.

By the time we reached the hotel, Nick was in a ripe mood, and we were all at each other's throats. Wisely, Johnny and Lou decided to let us all have a couple hours to unwind, and we separated to our own hotel rooms. Nick connected his video games and took out his frustrations on some Goombas and Kooper Troopers in Mario Land and I took a shower.

When I got out of the shower, I heard Johnny knocking on the door, telling us to meet down in the lobby in twenty. I stared at my face in the mirror, every muscle in my body was begging me to go lay down. My cheeks were puffier than normal and I drew a deep breath and splashed water over my eyes. I pulled my Bayer out of my bag and took another dose, because even breathing was becoming a labor with all the lack of sleep.

Nick barely looked up as I came out of the bathroom, "Gotta be downstairs in like twenty minutes," he said. He was biting his tongue as he clicked the buttons on his controller.

"I heard," I answered. And yet I found myself crawling across the bed to the pillow just the same and laying down.

I dreamed I was on stage, and suddenly Lou was there, I don't know why he was on stage but strange things happen in dreams. And the next thing I knew, he'd shoved his hand into my chest and pulled out my heart. I clutched at my chest and gasped for air, and Lou laughed maniacally as I dropped backwards onto the stage, my lungs failing me as my heart hung by its cords in his grasp over my head.

I woke up suddenly, gasping for breath just as I had been in my dream. My body was covered in sweat as I grasped at my chest. I sat up, and looked over to find Nick still glued to the TV, my panic having gone unnoticed. I closed my eyes, the world seeming to spin around me, and wondered how long I'd been asleep.

The answer came in the form of the hotel room door opening with a bang and Lou coming into the room. "What the hell are you two doing up here?" he demanded, "You were supposed to be downstairs ten fucking minutes ago." His voice thundered loudly, but my heart pounded so hard in my chest still in reaction to the dream that I barely heard him.

"Sorry!" Nick yelled, leaping up and turning off the Nintendo. "Sorry. Brian, why didn't you tell me what time it was?" he asked.

Lou was pissed, "We're now late for an appearance," he grouched as I rolled out of bed and stood up. My feet felt about a thousand miles away from me and I only just caught myself from falling forward by grabbing hold of the nightstand.

"Sorry," I muttered. "Let's go." I grabbed my jacket from the end of the bed.

Nick was looking at me concerned. "You okay?" he asked as we squeezed by Lou into the hall.

"Just tired," I mumbled.

"We're all fucking tired," Lou yelled as he ushered us down the hall, "Do you have any idea how much money we lose every time you guys miss an appointment or are late by even a few minutes?" Lou demanded. We got into the elevator. "You act like you don't care."

"I care," I said, "I'm just tired. I said I'm sorry."

"Yeah me too," Nick added in.

Lou rubbed his forehead and breathed deeply. He counted to ten under his breath, then looked up. "You're right, you're right," he said, exhaling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be yelling at you. It's just important that when we set a schedule we all stick to that schedule, don't you understand? This is making or breaking your career, this is your life and your money thats on the line, not mine."

I leaned against the wall in the elevator and stared at Lou and wondered which he'd care more about: a stack of money or me. I pushed the thought out of my head quickly, though. That was stupid. He was Big Poppa. He cared about us, of course he cared about us. He was just tired, too, and tired for him wore on his nerves and made him cranky. Like a little kid. Like Nick in the van. He bore responsibility for us showing up, for us being on time, for us getting places where we were expected. Of course he'd get upset and agitated when we blew him off... It made sense. Didn't it?

"About time you decided to join us there fellas," teased Johnny as we climbed off the elevator and into the lobby a few minutes later. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

And off we went for another whirlwind day of work.