I don’t text Brian back right away. I need to get him out of my head. It’s just physical, right? I shouldn’t be thinking about him like this anyway. I think I’m going crazy. After lunch with Linda, I have about two hours to spare before ski lift duties so I do a few runs to clear my head. It helps a little; the only sounds I hear are the whoosh of my snowboard as I carve down the mountain and the wind whizzing past my ears. The adrenaline rushes through me and, somehow, it’s comforting and familiar.

What am I thinking? Linda’s right, I do deserve something more than this. But he’s so irresistible, how do I stay away from this? Do I want to? Could I, if I had to? I dig my heels in and come to a full stop. I sit and take in the view of the surrounding mountains, breathing in the fresh air. I lie on my back and stare up at the sky where a few clouds have formed. Yes, yes I can stay away if I had to. And I should. Because I’m not weak, and I won’t ever let a man walk over my feelings and take advantage of it. A relationship like this never ends well and I have the power to stop it right now.

I reach inside my jacket for the cellphone tucked safely inside my sweater pocket. There’s another text from Brian: You might be busy, text me when you can hun. My stomach twists. I can do this. Taking a deep breath, I text him back.

Brian, I’m sorry I’m doing this over text but I have a feeling that I won’t be able to do it in person. Maybe I’m a coward, but either way this has to be said. What happened last night was out of the blue and should be left for just that one night. I can’t do this – it’s completely out of my character and I’m not about to start. We both know it’s wrong. I’m sorry.

I hit send and tuck the cellphone back into my pocket and zip up my jacket. I let out a slow breath and lean back onto my elbows. There, that took care of that. But, why do I not feel as accomplished as I should? Instead, I feel that stab of disappointment and curiosity builds in the back of my mind. What if we continued? Would he change his mind, could a legit relationship develop? Oh, I am going crazy.

I sit and let my thoughts consume me, staring off into the distance. I hear the whoosh of skis stopping behind me and, two seconds later, a head of messy dark brown hair and grey eyes are looking down at me. “Hey, London,” Christian greets, pearly whites set in a big grin. It’s contagious and I smile back up at him.

“Just enjoying the view,” I say, sitting upright.

“It’s amazing isn’t it?” He stabs a ski pole into the snow and reaches out a hand to help me up. “You ready for ski lift duties?”

I laugh. “Oh joy!” I take his hand and he pulls me up, holding me steady.

“Oh it’s not that bad. We get to do it together, at least.” He smiles warmly at me and I blush, taking my eyes away from his. Without another word, we set off down the mountain together towards the main lodge; all thoughts of Brian gone. For now.

By the time I get home, the sun is just setting against the horizon. My favourite time of day. Bronx is waiting for me eagerly at the door and I kneel down to scratch his ears and he responds happily. “Hey, baby,” I coo, kissing his wet nose. “You ready to get out and stretch your legs a little?” He barks his response and I hook his leash onto his collar.

I can’t help it. I quickly glance over at Brian’s house as Bronx and I take a walk around the block. He hasn’t texted me back. Didn’t even put up a fight. But then again, did I want him to? Oh my God, I need to get over it and chill out. I’ve never been like this before; so confused, yet pining away for a guy. I roll my eyes at myself and force it out of my mind. After Bronx has finished his business, we head back to the house and I’m just thinking about what to prepare for dinner when I feel a vibration against my side. A text message. My heart leaps out of my chest, but I wait until we’re back in the house to read it.

I see that you’re home now. Come over. Please. I’ll be waiting.

I stare at my phone in surprise, confusion, utter bewilderment. That was the last thing I ever expected him to text. Did he not get my text? Or rather, did he not understand the hint? Curiosity builds again and I close my eyes, sitting on the couch with my head in my hands. What do I do, what do I do? This would’ve been a good time to call Linda and see what she thinks, but I can’t tell her. Not yet. No, I can’t. I’ve made up my mind.

Feeling resolved, I head towards my bedroom to take a quick shower. Why does he want me to come over? To talk? To have closure? Yeah, maybe that’s it. My mind is running around in circles and by the time I’m out of the shower, I can’t stand it. I need to know why he wants to see me. Damnit, this is going to bug me all night ‘til I’m blue in the face and up at five in the morning. I quickly dry my hair, put some make up on, and dress in slim-fitting dark grey Levi’s, a loose cream sleeved top, and shrug on a casual olive green jacket.

I can feel my heart nervously pounding against my chest as I cross the street to his house. Oh, why am I here? He’s shoveled his walkway. I frown, realization hitting me that there was no struggle against two feet of snow to reach my porch today. I whip around to look at my walkway. It’s shoveled, too.

“You shoveled my walkway,” was the first thing I say when he opens the door. He’s dressed in jeans and a fitted grey waffle thermos sweater that shows off his muscles nicely. Seriously, why does he have to look so good?

“Did I?” he replies, an amused smile on his face. I roll my eyes at him.

“Brian, what do you want?” I ask, not wanting to beat around the bush. I step into his house and he closes the door behind me.

“You.” I turn to look at him and his blue eyes are alight, the same smirk still plastered on his face.

“I’m serious, Brian.”

“Me too.” He takes a step closer to me and I take a step back. He takes another step and I take another.

“Didn’t you get my text?” I breathe. He smells of sweet cologne mixed with ocean body wash. And all I want to do at that moment is be in his arms and breathe in the familiar, comforting smell. He’s looking at me with an intensity that makes my legs feel like Jello.

“Yeah,” he replies softly. “You want to stay away from me?”

I nod. “It would be best.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do!” He keeps walking towards me and I’ve backed up to the back of his couch.

“If you did, you wouldn’t be here.” He stops a few inches in front of me, eyes no longer playful but serious. “Do you mean that, London?”

I bite my lip. He’s right, I wouldn’t be here if I absolutely meant it. I’m completely vulnerable to this man. This man who wants me and he’s all looks, charms, and smooth moves. But he’s also kind, genuine, and I’ve seen his gentle side. The feeling is exhilarating but scary at the same time. Oh, what this man could do to me. “Brian I-“

“You don’t know what you do to me, London,” he murmurs, leaning closer. It’s as if he’s read my mind. “I can’t let you go that easily.”

“But it’s only physical.”

He closes his eyes. “That’s why I asked if you wanted more.” When he opens them, he looks lost and frustrated. He takes a step back away from me and I feel that stab of disappointment again. “Look, I’ve told you that I can’t. Yes, it’ll only be physical but you told me you weren’t ready for anything more than that so I was under the impression that we had agreed on this… this weird relationship.” He pauses. “Tell me, right now, if you want to leave and I won’t bother you again. I swear to you, I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you really want.”

I stare at him for a long time, or at least what seemed like a long time. One part of me wants to stay, wants to know how this will turn out. And the other part, probably the smarter part, knows that I can’t go through with this because I know how it will end; a losing battle.

“I’m sorry, Brian,” I whisper and my heart constricts as I push past him towards the door. I get a sense of deja-vu. This isn’t the first time that I’m walking out of his house feeling like this. He grabs my arm and turns me around, eyes burning into mine.

“Tell me you don’t want me like I want you, London,” he growls and takes my face into his hands. “Tell me.”

I gasp. “Brian, please-“

“Tell me.” He drops his hands and motions to the door. “If you don’t, go then. I’m letting you walk out that door.” I hesitate for a second and he doesn’t miss a beat. Suddenly, his lips are on mine and I give into the kiss. He wraps his arms around my waist and my hands find his biceps, feeing his strong arms around me. “Stay,” he whispers between kisses and I nod.

And for the first time today, my heart soars with happiness. I don’t want to go anywhere. How can something so wrong make me happy? Is it even wrong? Two single adults consenting to a sexual relationship? Is that what this is? At the moment, I don’t care as I savour his kisses. which move from my lips to my ears and neck. We’re not hurting anybody, right?

“Is this wrong?” I ask and he stops to look at me. I can tell he’s thinking about the question. I let out a surprised yelp when he swiftly unbuttons my pants, reaches into my panties, and sticks a finger into my opening.

“Does this feel wrong?” he whispers. I tip my head back and moan. “Didn’t think so.”

Next thing I know, he’s bending me over the back of his couch and pulling my jeans down. I hear the sound of his zipper, then his pants fall to the floor and he’s thrusting into me. And as I’m screaming his name, I know there’s no turning back.