The morning of Christmas Eve proves to be a beautiful one in Vancouver; not a cloud in sight and the temperature allows for just a light jacket. Being that our house is in Burnaby, I’m thankful to avoid the insane rush of last minute Christmas shoppers in downtown Vancouver and, instead, stay in to help with tonight’s dinner. I’m still a little shaken up from my revelation last night and have since tried to keep my texts with Brian short. He greeted me good morning today, letting me know that’s headed over to Kentucky this afternoon. I texted back saying good morning and that I won’t be on my phone as I’m helping with the preparations for tonight. I haven’t checked my phone since.

I’m not sure how to deal with this; do I tell him my feelings? Do I ignore it and keep this thing with Brian going? Will I get hurt? My thoughts consume me as I’m cutting up some garlic and barely hear Karen as she calls my name.

“Hellooo, Earth to London?”

I look up, startled out of my thoughts and blink at her. “Oh,” was my reply.

She laughs. “You okay, hun? You seem a little out of it today.”

I shake my head. “Um, just thinking about tonight,” I lie.

She grins. “Oh, it’ll be great! Listen, your father wants you to go to the airport with him to pick up Abbey.” Abbey is my closest cousin; we grew up together and gradated together from the same high school. She now lives in San Diego with her longtime boyfriend, Sean, where they are both real estate agents. I hadn’t realized she was coming, too. “They both decided last minute to come,” Karen informs me. “It’s a good thing they found a flight out!”

“Finally, someone who won’t tease me about finding a boyfriend!” I joke, loud enough for everyone in the kitchen to hear. My remark is followed by a slew of different responses, each arguing their case and I shake my head, smiling at them all. My crazy family; I have to say, there’s never a dull moment when we’re all together.

After washing my hands, I find my Dad outside talking to the neighbours. He grins as I approach the truck. “You ready, sweetheart?” I nod my response and we both wave bye to the old couple who lives next door. “So, London, I feel like I haven’t even carried a decent conversation with you since you’ve arrived!” he says as he pulls out of the driveway.

I smile, looking out the window at the beautiful British Columbia scenery. Vancouver really is such a beautiful place to live. “This has got to be the biggest Christmas yet,” I say and he nods in agreement.

“How are things going with you in Banff?” he asks, giving me a sideways glance.

“Oh, you know… the same old. Work, home, work, home,” I reply with a sigh.

“How’s big Bronx holdin’ up?”

“Strong as ever,” I grin and my Dad’s eyes crinkle at the corner.

“You happy?”

The question throws me off. He’s never really asked me that. I hesitate for a second. “Yeah,” I finally reply, as nonchalant as I can – though inside, thoughts of Brian flood my mind.

“You seem so distant today, London,” he says and I can hear the concern thick in his voice. “Everything okay?”

I sigh. He sees right through me. “I guess so.”

“Is it about a guy?” I pause and he doesn’t miss a beat. “All I can give you London, is that you’re a very bright and beautiful young lady. I know I’m your father and I’m supposed to be saying all of this stuff and yada yada, but I really do mean it. I just hope that whatever this boy is about, that it’s something you deserve.”

It feels like deja-vu and I’m taken back to my conversation with Linda that seems like light years away, when this all started. I swallow. “I know, Dad.” I smile at him. “I’ll be careful.”

When Abbey and Sean appear from the automatic doors, they’re both tanned, golden, and gorgeous. Abbey’s long light brown hair is in soft beach waves down her back and she’s grinning at me as she envelopes me into a huge hug. “How I’ve missed you, cousin!” she exclaims, looking me up and down. “Look at you, miss fitness and all sexy!”

I laugh. “Same goes to you, miss beach bum.” I greet Sean with a hug before looping arms with Abbey as we catch up on the last couple of years of our lives. My Dad and Sean walk behind us, deep in conversation about sailing.

“Sean and I can finally afford that condo by the beach, so we’re moving in sometime early January,” she tells me.

“That’s great! You guys getting married anytime soon so I have an excuse to lay on a beach?” I say, half joking. Her and Sean have been together since junior high days.

“We’ll get married when you find a boyfriend,” she teases and I roll my eyes at her.

“Not you too! That’s like the conversation of the year,” I say, exasperated. “Seriously! Everywhere I go.”

“Well… it has been two years.” She looks at me and her blue eyes are serious. “And I know a billion guys who would jump at the chance to date you, so it’s not like you need help in that department. Don’t you miss it, just a little?”

I sigh. Truth is… “I do,” I reply. We stop at the baggage claim and I watch as Sean gives her a warm small, putting a hand at the small of her back as we wait for their luggage. At that moment, I realize that, yes I do miss having someone there; someone to truly call mine.

Christmas Eve dinner is a circus. An absolute circus. I don’t know how we’ve managed to fit about twenty-five adults and ten kids in the house, but we have and every seat is occupied with an excited body, eating, laughing, and talking. Christmas carols are playing softly in the background and the presents under the Christmas tree have exceeded over capacity so much that we’ve had to move some to the bedrooms. By this time, I’m full of turkey, egg nog, and pecan pie and I can barely move from my spot at the kitchen table. Abbey and I are sharing fond memories of our high school days and we plan on a mini reunion with some of our old girlfriends later this week.

After dinner, we usually wait until midnight for everyone to open their presents but Karen pointed out that, because we have so many people this year, we should start early before the kids tire out and fall asleep. So, by ten o’clock, Dad is playing the role of Santa Clause and handing out presents one by one. I watch with Abbey, content filling me as I see my little cousins, nieces, and nephews, trip over themselves with happiness as each present is unwrapped. This is what this holiday is about; filled with love, family, and joy. There’s no place I would rather be at the moment. It takes about an hour to get through all of the kids and they’re sent to bed in the guest rooms before the adults start on their presents.

I laugh as Uncle Roy holds up an apron with a topless man’s torso adorning the front, ripped muscles and everything up to the neck where Uncle Roy’s head peeps up. The next present is for me and I open it to reveal my favourite candles that can only be bought at a small store on Granville St. downtown, a new robe, and a hand knitted scarf. “For the cold nights up in the mountains. Love, Grandma.” I give Grandma a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and, of course being Grandma, she gets all teary eyed on me.

Close to midnight, I notice the uncles becoming red in the face; an indication that they’ve had quite a bit of eggnog to drink. I’m enjoying their lame jokes toward each other with their wives laughing along with them when suddenly, the sound of a spoon hitting against a glass is heard. It’s Sean and he’s just grabbed everyone’s attention.

“Hey, everyone,” he announces nervously and I raise my eyebrows, looking over at Abbey who looks equally as confused as everyone else. “So, we’re down to the last present and the clock just hit midnight. I’d like to give my girlfriend a special present.”

Cat calls and whistles could be heard around the room, Uncle Roy exclaiming, “Not in the living room, kids” before Aunt Becky smacks him upside the head and Sean has to quiet everyone down again.

“This is a very special Christmas and I hope to make it a lot more special.” There’s a bright smile on his face now and he reaches in his pocket to reveal a little black box. That little black box. Everyone gasps and a hush falls over the room as he bends down on one knee in front of a very shocked Abbey. He opens the box to reveal a white gold band with a single large diamond shining at the top. “Abbey, we’ve been together since we were thirteen years old. You are my first love, my first kiss, my first date, my only love – if you would do me the honour of being my last, I promise to keep you happy for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?”

A pregnant silence fills the room, filled with anticipation and joy ready to burst out. It takes Abbey a moment to collect herself as tears spring to her eyes, but I already know her answer. “Yes,” she breathes and the room erupts with cheers and applause. I run up to hug her and she hugs me tight.

“Congratulations! You deserve it!” I tell her and I feel a lump in my throat, genuinely happy for the both of them.

“Oh, London, thank you.” She wipes the tears that have spilled onto her cheeks. “You’ve been there through all the fights, the break ups, and you’ve been my best friend through it all.” She holds my hands in hers and looks me straight in the eye. “Please, London, I hope you find someone that makes you feel alive just as Sean has made me feel. You deserve to be happy.”

This leaves me speechless and her words hit home. I watch as the new bride-to-be is swept into the arms of her fiancé who gives her a kiss on the lips. They look… happy. My heart constricts and I close my eyes for a few seconds, wanting to get all thoughts of Brian out of my head. No, this is wrong. I can’t be thinking of him this way. Not now. As if on cue, my cellphone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out. Three messages from Brian that I haven’t replied to yet.

I hope you’re having a great time with your loved ones, babe.

Text me when you can.

And the new one. It’s already past midnight here, but I know the hour has just turned there. So, Merry Christmas baby. I wish I was there in person so I could give you a kiss. A lump forms in my throat and the feeling in my heart grows. It’s one of confusion, but also happiness at his text. Hope? It’s frustrating.

I hastily text him back. Merry Christmas to you and your family. It’s simple and gives nothing away. Not my growing feelings for him, not my hope that one day we’ll be happily together, too.

It’s just past three in the morning when I head to bed. Some of the cousins, aunts, and uncles have left to go back home and a few are still up with bottles of wine and stories to tell. I change into sweats and a baggy t-shirt, pull my hair up into a ponytail, and crawl into bed. My room hasn’t changed since I left it; the collage of my friends and I on a trip to Hawaii is still hanging above the desk. The bookshelf still holds all of my favourite books, mainly classic literature and a few textbooks from university. My graduation cap sits on the dresser in front of a framed picture of myself with my Dad, Grandma, and my two brothers. This is home. I sigh, content. It’s been a long and busy day and I want nothing more but to sleep in until late noon. I’m just about to close my eyes when my phone vibrates again. I glance at it on the bedside table and frown. What could Linda be calling me for at this time? I pick up.

“L?” I breathe into the phone.

“London!” Her voice is soft, but very awake… and very giddy. “London, you’ll never guess what!”

“Are you okay?” I ask, sitting up.

“More than okay!” she replies, the excitement in her voice increasing. “I’m engaged!” It takes a few seconds for this to sink in and I feel that same constriction in my heart. Another one? “Renald asked me to marry him!” I blink and look at the phone, shocked.

“Congrats L!” I exclaim, because I am truly happy for them. My mind goes blank as she gives me details of her engagement, and I’m trying hard to concentrate on what she is saying but my thoughts consume me. Am I truly happy for me? My Dad’s question from earlier swims around in my head and I begin to dwell on it. After a few minutes’ conversation, I say goodnight to Linda and hang up the phone.

As I finally lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes, a tear slides down my cheek. Then another. And then another. And another.