20

By the time we reach Banff, it’s nearly ten o’clock and I’m feeling exhausted. All I want to do is see Bronx, crawl into bed, and get some much needed sleep after a busy Christmas holiday. Thankfully, I have the next couple of days off before getting back into the work routine.

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Brian asks as we drive through town center where a few late night restaurants are still open.

“No,” I murmur sleepily. “I’m really tired. I think I’m just going to head to bed once I get home.” He’s silent and I glance over at him.

“I really wanted to spend some time with you,” he tells me quietly, a slight frown on his face. “I’ve missed you this week.”

I feel those butterflies in my stomach again, but this time I ignore them. I need to learn how to stop giving in to this man. I need to stop giving in to this false hope of ever having something real with him. I sigh. “I’ve missed you too, Brian,” I reply and his face softens. “We’ll hang out sometime this week, yeah?” I add.

Yes, distance would be good. I feel a lump in my throat. I can already tell that it’s not the same between us and I’m trying my best for it not to break me. He doesn’t reply and stays quiet for the rest of the car ride into the neighborhood. He pulls up in front of his house and grabs my luggage from the trunk.

“Hold on, I’ll get Bronx,” he says when we’re inside my house and he’s placed the suitcase by the door. I watch as he runs across the street to his house and slide out of my high heel boots as I wait, sighing in relief. A moment later, Brian is back with Bronx who very excitedly jumps on me, making me fall back onto the couch.

“Hey, boy!” I’m laughing as Bronx licks my face enthusiastically and I give him a big hug. “Aw, I’ve missed you too.” I glance up at Brian who is standing by the doorway, observing us. He’s still quiet, almost contemplative. “Thank you again for taking care of him,” I say, standing up and walking towards him.

“I’ll call you tomorrow?” His voice is hopeful.

I nod. “Thank you for picking me up from the airport. I enjoyed our normal conversation.” I grin at him, hoping to ease this weird tension between us at the moment.

He smiles back. “Thank you for that.”

“Goodnight, Brian.” His blue eyes are burning into mine, searching. I tear my gaze away from his, trying to fight the urge to wrap my arms around his neck, tackle him to the floor and kiss him. Deep breaths.

“Goodnight, London,” he says quietly. He moves toward the door and I follow him out. He pauses suddenly and I almost bump into him. He turns to me then, eyeing me warily. “We’re okay, right?”

I frown, not knowing what he meant by that. “Yeah,” I reply with a nod. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

He gives me a small smile. “Just making sure.”

With that, he leans down to give me a sweet kiss on the lips before turning and heading out the door. I’m left standing breathless, once again, because of him.

I wake bright and early the next morning, feeling well rested and ready to start the day. I realize I have no groceries left and put that on my list of to-do’s for the day. After having a quick breakfast of oatmeal and a banana, I take Bronx out for a walk around the block, hop in the shower, and get dressed. I’m out the door by 9am, leaving Bronx at home with a bowl of food and water, and head toward town center. I’ve only been walking for about five minutes when my phone buzzes.

It’s a text from Brian. Good morning, beautiful. Any plans today?

I’m out now, going to do some grocery shopping!

He texts back a few seconds later. Need any help?

I’m okay for now, thanks Bri =) I think I need some ‘me time’ today.

Let me know if your me time requires any Bri time, too. I giggle at this and put my phone back in my bag.

The first place I stop in town is a drug store to pick up some vitamins and supplements. I haven’t been inside for more than two minutes when my phone buzzes again. But this time, it’s Christian.

Nice trench coat.

Instinctively, I turn around and, sure enough, he’s grinning at me from the other end of the aisle. He’s wearing a red and black jacket, black pants and I notice the girl at the counter ogling him. The Tom Welling resemblance hits me again – he really is quite the looker. I smile back at him, genuinely glad to see a familiar face in town.

“Hey, not working today?” I greet him with a hug and he shakes his head.

“No, I have the day off until tomorrow,” he replies. “How were your holidays?”

“It was great, lots of food!” I say with a laugh. “How was yours?”

“About the same,” he replies, mega-watt grin still on his face. “Listen, I’m just about headed out but I wanted to ask you something.” He pauses, his smile faltering slightly. “Are you busy tonight?”

Oh. It’s that kind of question. “No, not at all.”

“I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me?” He shifts from one foot to the other and I hesitate. “I mean, you don’t have to say yes if you really find me that repulsive.”

I laugh and gaze at him for a few seconds. The words of my father, Kate, and Linda echo in my head. Give it a chance. “Sure, why not?” I say, surprising myself. Why not go out and get to know someone? Properly.

His grin widens. “Great! How about text me your address and I’ll come pick you up at around 6?”

“Sounds good!”

“It’s a date then?”

“Yeah,” I say, matching his grin. “It’s a date.”

“I’ll see you later then, London.” He gives me one last smile then turns and heads out the door. Somehow, I feel a bubble of excitement in my stomach. Not an anxious or confusing excitement – just a simple, I-have-a-date-tonight kind of excitement. I catch myself smiling as I walk through the aisles and… well, it feels kind of nice.

Two hours later, I’ve cabbed it back home after doing quite a bit of grocery shopping. After putting the groceries away, I take Bronx out for another walk before getting started on lunch. Brian texts me a couple of times asking me how my day is going, and I text him back but am so consumed with deep cleaning the whole house after lunch that I don’t check my phone until it’s time to get ready for dinner with Christian.

Answer your door, please was the last text I received from Brian about half an hour ago. I frown at this and choose to ignore it. I’m just about done getting ready when I hear a knock on my door. I check the time - 5:30.  Well, he’s a little early. Bronx tails behind me as I go to answer the door and am surprised to see Brian standing on my porch.

“Hey,” I say, letting him in. He looks me up and down.

“Whoah, you look good,” he says with a smile. I’m wearing a black sweater dress, black sheer stockings with my new black high heeled boots, and gold accessories. My hair falls in waves around my face and I’ve put on some eyeshadow, eyeliner, masara, blush, and lipgloss. “Is this for me?” he jokes as I close the door behind him.

“I’m going out tonight,” I tell him and he follows me into the kitchen.

“Ladies night?”

Uh oh. I realize that I’m going to have to tell him about Christian sooner or later. I shake my head. “No.” I pour Bronx a bowl of food and can feel Brian staring at the back of my head.

“Who are you going out with?” I can tell he’s trying to keep his tone nonchalant but when I turn around, his gaze is scrutinizing.

I clear my throat. “Christian.” I look away from him to pour some water for Bronx and the silence from him is deafening.

“Christian?”

I square my shoulders, turn around, and look him in the eye. “Christian,” I repeat and walk past him to the bedroom. He follows.

“Like a date?”

“Yes.” I look at him and he’s frozen to the spot at the door of my bedroom.

“London, I-“ He pauses and his face scrunches up in frustration. “Why?”

“Brian.” I take a deep breath. “I’m a single adult. Am I not allowed to go on dates?”

“It’s not that, it’s just… what about us?”

“What about us?” I can’t believe he just asked that question. “Is there even us?”

“I thought you wanted more?”

“And that’s what I’m looking for, Brian!” There’s a few seconds of silence as we glare at each other, blue into hazel. “I’m looking for more!”

“With me, London,” he says, practically screaming. “With me! Us.”

“You said, Brian! You said we can’t ever be that.” My voice is rising now and I can feel the angry flush on my cheeks.

“So, just like that? You’re just leaving me hanging here? You know, you know I fucking have feelings for you and you play me out like this.”

“Play you out like what?”

“God, London, not even a warning? Not even a, ‘I think I want to start dating’? Just like that, it’s so simple for you huh?” His voice is rising with every sentence, wavering and filled with so much raw emotion that I’ve never seen from him. “I missed you for a whole fucking week, and this whole time all I’ve wanted to do was just kiss you and hold you and confess everything that I feel for you. I’ve barely seen you since you get back and you already have a date?”

My heart constricts at his words and I feel the sudden urge to cry but I fight it. “Brian, it’s one date.” I sigh and sit on the edge of my bed, trying to collect my scattered thoughts. Now he’s left me even more confused. “You act as if I’ve started a relationship with the guy.”

“Isn’t that the point?” he says, his voice suddenly quiet and hoarse. “Wanting to get to know each other, going to that level? Nobody goes on a date without some sort of hope for that.”

I take a deep breath and we’re both quiet as he takes a seat on the bed beside me. Bronx has sauntered into the room, observing our little blow up. “What were you expecting, Brian?” I ask finally, my voice quiet and I suddenly feel small. “What were you expecting out of this physical relationship of ours? That we keep it casual and completely disregard any chance of a normal relationship or happiness with anyone else?”

“I never expected you,” he replies gently. “I moved here to get away from everyone, and then you came along so unexpected and I couldn’t stay away. I never wanted this, but now I want it more than anything.” He takes a sharp intake of breath before continuing. “It’s killing me knowing that you could possibly be with someone else.”

I run a hand through my hair. This is more complicated than I thought. “Then tell me now, Brian.” I turn to him and look him dead in the eye. His are filled with anguish and my heart melts. “Tell me if there’s a chance for us and I’ll call the date off with Christian.” He regards me for a second and I see a flicker of hesitation. Disappointment washes over me, overwhelming. I stand up, frustration getting the best of me. “I can’t do this, Brian!”

“London, please.” He stands up and grabs my hand. “Please, you know my situation.”

“No, I don’t know your situation!” My voice is wavering now, ready to crack. “I don’t know why you hesitate every time we talk about this, Brian, because you keep me in the dark! You’ve never told me why and you accuse me of leaving you hanging? You’re the one who’s playing me out like this.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” His eyes are wide, nervous, pleading. “You know I want to be with you.”

“But that’s the thing, Brian. You can’t! We can’t.” I sigh in frustration. “So what’s the point of this all? What’s the point in hoping for something that will never happen?” We’re facing each other now, both trying to figure out what to do. “I’m so tired of hoping. And it hurts more than you know.”

“So what are you saying?” His voice is careful and we’re both unprepared for what I say next.

“I’m saying you’re right, this can get complicated and it just did.” I take a deep breath and my eyes don’t meet his. “So I- I think we should stop this. Whatever this is, we need to let it go before it gets even more messed up. I don’t wanna be…” I search for the words. “I don’t want to be stuck in something that has no future and take away any chance of me being actually… happy in a relationship. You and I both know that if we keep doing this, we won’t be able to stop. It’s only going to get more complicated in the long run.”

He’s silent as he takes this in, the pain not leaving his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” He breathes out, a desperate sound and he moves past me, walking out of the bedroom. I turn to look at him and his hands are raking through his hair. I follow him out; he’s standing by the front door now. “This is what you want, London?” His eyes are so filled with emotion that I feel it in my chest; tight and suffocating.

“I think this is what’s best.” Though I’m trying to convince myself of this more than anything.

“Ok.” He reaches for the doorknob, but before he steps out, he turns back to give me a final look. “Goodbye, London.”

The click of the door closing is deafening and this hurts a hundred times more than when he had asked me to leave the first time. A sob escapes my lips and I bring my hand to my mouth, letting the tears fall freely.