I wake with a start, by myself and too warm. It was a dream. Before the disappointment hits me, I look around to find that I’m not in my bedroom. Bewildered, I let my eyes adjust and realize that I’m in Brian’s bed with only the sheets covering me. I hear footsteps in the hallway and, a few seconds later, he enters the room in only a pair of boxers.

“Hey, baby,” he says softly as he joins me in bed. “Did I wake you?”

Relief fills me and I cuddle up next to him, resting my head against his chest. “No,” I reply. “I was just looking for you.”

“I went to get a drink.” He kisses my forehead and strokes my hair gently. “Go back to sleep.”

A few minutes later, his chest is steadily rising and falling with every breath and he’s snoring softly. My eyes are closed but I can’t go back to sleep. I stare at the moon through the little crack in the curtain windows, my mind on Bronx. It hits me all over again; I’m never going to pet him, run with him on cool summer nights, cuddle against his warm body on cold winters, or feel his sloppy kisses and wet nose on my face. A lump forms in my throat and tears threaten to fall. I untangle myself from Brian, crawl out of bed, and throw on his white t-shirt and my panties. I’m not sure where to go, but I find myself in his office just down the hallway. It’s quite empty, with just a large oak table, a computer, a half-empty bookcase, and a lamp. There are also large boxes piled up in the corner that I’m guessing he hasn’t cared to unpack. I switch on the lamp and look around, somehow feeling like I’m snooping. On one wall are several framed records with an album title and picture. Best-selling albums, 13x platinum internationally, biggest hits… wow. I’ve never realized the amount of success he’s had in the entertainment industry. On the other wall are several framed pictures of him and his band mates meeting some incredibly famous people, as well as pictures of them receiving countless awards including a Grammy. He’s had such a grand life and here I am, just an ordinary girl living in a small town. The feeling is overwhelming and I have to take a seat at the large leather chair behind his desk.

He’s famous. Really famous. He’s also mind-blowingly successful and wealthy. What is he doing with me? I rest my elbows on the desk and put my chin in my hands, trying to take this all in. The pile of boxes in the corner catches my eye and, curiously, I stand to take a peek inside. They’re filled with tapes and DVDs, some labeled “In the Studio”, some labeled by year and month, by tour or album release, and I realize that they’re home videos. Curiosity gets the best of me and I pull one out, labeled “Bahamas 2000”. I fire up his computer, sign in as a guest, and put the DVD in the drive. It a little shaky, with the cameraman – Brian in this case – walking up a sidewalk lined with palm trees and lush green grass. Nick comes into view and a tattooed man in sunglasses – AJ, if I recall correctly from my teen years – is beside him.

“It’s raining,” Brian’s voice comes through and Nick turns around to look at the camera.

“It’s also really warm,” he says.

“Hopefully we don’t get blown away by a hurricane while trying to record this album,” AJ pipes up and Nick chuckles at this.

“Your skinny ass would,” he jokes and I can hear Brian laughing from behind the camera.

“I wouldn’t mind getting blown,” AJ retorts and I can’t help but laugh too as Nick and Brian burst out laughing in the video. The scene cuts and is soon replaced by all five of the boys sitting on a sofa in what appears to be a recording studio. The camera is steady, perhaps set on a tripod or table as they’re interviewed by an older blonde woman.

“So you guys are here recording a brand new album,” she says and all five men nod in unison. “Why the Bahamas?”

Kevin answers, but my eyes are fixed on Brian. He’s so… lively; someone totally different. I’ve never seen his eyes so alive and filled with humour, shoulders relaxed, and laughing wholeheartedly as he jokes around. The grin on his face is impeccable; no signs of stress, worry, or the tension that I so often see now. I sigh to myself. What happened to you, Brian? I pop in another DVD, this one just six months ago as they prepare for a new tour. That same ease is evident in the way he carries himself, meeting fans, singing to the camera, cracking jokes. He’s in his element and it tugs at my heart. He doesn’t belong here, in small town Banff. He belongs out there, where he can use his God given talent, entertain people and make them smile.

A movement by the door startles me and I look up to see him standing there, eyes filled with curiosity and head tilted to the side. “What are you doing?” he asks warily, moving around the table.

“Watching your home videos,” I reply quietly, hoping he won’t get upset.

He sighs but has a slight smile on his face, which puts me at ease. “Ah, the life of fame.” He pulls me up by the hand, sits down in the chair, and pulls me onto his lap. He wraps his arms around, resting his chin on my shoulder and I can’t believe how safe and comfortable I feel at the moment. “What have you watched so far?”

“A totally different man than I see now.” My voice is small, careful. I turn my head to look at him and his eyes are filled with sadness. “Brian… I see someone so full of life and energy in these videos. What I see in front of me is someone who seems to be under a lot of stress all the time.” I pause to let this sink in. “Please tell me… what happened to you?”

He sighs deeply and closes his eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

I shrug. “I don’t think there’s anything you can’t ask me, at this point.”

“Do you really, really want to be with me?”

“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “Haven’t we cleared that up?”

“I want to be with you too, London.” He gives me a brief kiss on the lips before continuing. “Here’s the thing… if we’re going to do this, if we’re going to be together, I need to tell you everything.” I hold my breath. This is it. “You deserve to know, especially because it could mean life or death.”

“Life or death?” I breathe. Now I’m getting nervous.

He nods slowly. “That’s the seriousness of it. If you decide to run after I tell you, I can’t blame you… and I won’t go chasing after you. In fact, maybe I’ll feel more relieved so I know that you’re safe.”

“Brian, just tell me.”

He takes a deep breath. “I’ve never told anyone this.” His voice shakes slightly. I realize this is a huge moment for him and I squeeze his hand to reassure him.

“It’s okay. It’s just us here.”

He squeezes me tightly and then he starts. “About six months ago, I met a girl named Jessica through one of the crew members. She and I hit it off pretty well and started seeing each other shortly after.” For some reason, this makes me despise the thought of him with another girl but I keep quiet. “What I didn’t know was that she was setting me up all along.” He pauses and buries his face in my neck. “I was so stupid. I didn’t even see it coming.”

“What did she do?” I’m staring at the laptop screen, the video put on mute and I watch silently as a smiling Brian fools around backstage. Carefree Brian. Not the one holding me now.

“Her father was under a lot of pressure,” he continues and I feel him shake his head. “He got himself in a mess with drugs and started owing people a lot of money. Long story short, he pissed off one of the top drug lords in America and he needed $1 million in cash.”

I gasped. “They set you up for ransom money?”

I feel him nod and I squeeze his hand, silently telling him to continue. “Only, it wasn’t that simple. When we were in Vegas, I got a call from Rooney – that’s Jessica’s dad – posing as someone who had kidnapped Jessica. They told me not to call the police because they’d find out and kill her. So, scared as I was, I managed to convince the bank to let me take out the $1 million in cash.” He pauses to take a deep breath. “When I got to the meeting place – this really sketched out place in the desert, go figure – she was there, completely fine. Even smiling.” He laughs slightly, but it’s not a humorous one. “They told me everything then; that I was used for the money, that I was such a fucking fool.” His tone is bitter and angry and my heart cries out for him. “Then, they said that they were going to kill me. Well, my survival instincts kicked in and I ran. They ran after me, Rooney and his men, but they were all much bigger. I was fast, I credit that to years of playing basketball. I managed to make it back to the car and I drove as fast I could back to the hotel with all the plans of telling security, the police, the authorities. I felt safe doing that.” He pauses again, for a long time. I turn to look at him and, to my surprise, find that his eyes are brimming with tears that he’s trying to fight back. He sniffs and tries to blink them away. This is the face of a broken man; one that I hadn’t realized was this troubled.

“What happened after, Brian?” I ask quietly, almost too afraid of the answer.

“Before – before I could even get out of the car, I get a phone call and the call display says Jessica. I answered it and it was Rooney on the other end, screaming and just straight out panicking.” He lets out a slow breath. I can tell he’s trying to regain himself. “God, I didn’t know. I didn’t know, London. If I did, I would’ve fixed it.”

I squeeze his hand, trying my best to console him though his body is shaking. “What didn’t you know? How could you have prevented all this?”

“I didn’t know that ransom money was to pay off the drug lord who had threatened to kill Rooney’s wife if he didn’t show up with the money.” His voice is filled with agony, and regret. “With all my panic, I forgot that the money was still in my trunk, so when I left, the drug lord showed up. After he saw that Rooney didn’t have the money, he killed his wife right there who was standing beside him. Point blank with a shotgun.” He lets out a sob, burying his face in my neck again. This time, I feel the warmth of his tears.

Oh, Brian. And, for the first time since I met him, I finally understand his pain.

“Rooney just kept screaming into the phone, blaming me for his wife’s death,” he continues, his voice thick with emotion. “And you know what, London? To this day, I still feel like I’m responsible for it.”

I take a sharp intake of breath and am off his lap in an instant. I’m kneeling in front of him, staring up into blue eyes filled with sadness and pain. “This is not your fault, Brian,” I tell him firmly. “Rooney got himself into that mess. You had nothing to do with it. You didn’t pull the trigger. If you knew, I believe without a doubt that you would have handed over that money and even your life to save someone else’s. You know why? Because through this cold façade, I’ve seen the goodness of your heart.” I place my hand on his chest. “Don’t blame yourself for this.”

He takes my hand and presses my knuckles against his lips, his eyes filled with so much intensity as they gaze into mine. “That’s not all, London,” he whispers and closes his eyes. “Rooney threatened that, because I’m to blame for him losing his wife, he’s going to follow my every single move. I don’t know how, but he’s managed to know what I’m doing on a daily basis. He still sends me emails from time to time, to this day, letting me know what I did that day – just so he can assure me that I am, indeed, being followed.” He swallows and rubs his forehead with one hand. “His threat over me is that if he ever finds out I’m with someone or fall in love, that person will be dead.”

I gasp and stand up, the reality of what he just said hitting me instantly. “Oh my God.” My voice is a whisper, filled with fear. “Me?”

He nods slowly. “You,” he whispers back. “This is why I moved to Banff, to get away from everyone. I figured I could stop myself from falling for someone, he’ll get bored with me and end up hurting my loved ones instead. I needed to keep everyone safe, for now at least until I figure out what to do.”

“Why don’t you tell the police?”

He shakes his head. “Too risky. The second I do that, he could have a family member shot.”

“Nobody knows about this?”

“Only you. My family and friends think I’ve gone crazy.”

“But… but how could he know?” I’m pacing now, my hand over my mouth. “This is true?”

“Every word,” he replies. “Rooney has his way of knowing everything.” He stands up and stops me from pacing by taking my face in his hands. “This is why, London. Can’t you see? This is why I’ve hesitated so much with this… to keep you safe.” He brings his lips to my forehead. “If anything happens to you, baby… I could never forgive myself.”

I shake my head. “How would he find out?” I look up at him and I know the fear in my eyes is evident as his are gazing down at me with concern. “We don’t have to make this public or obvious. It could just be us.”

He shakes his head, staring at me incredulously. “London, I would’ve expected you to run for the hills after I told you all of that; not try to plan how we could keep this a secret.” He sits me down on the couch and this time, he’s the one kneeling in front of me. “Do you want to be with me that much?”

“Do you?”

He sighs. “I’ve already put you in so much risk because of my selfishness. I can’t stay away from you. I’m sorry for all of this.”

“What would this imply?”

“You’re not scared?”

“I’m very scared.” I take a deep breath and let all of it sink in. I’m in danger just by being with him. This man… Rooney - he could find out. If he does, I’ll be dead. Instinctively, I pull back from Brian who looks at me in alarm. “I…” I don’t even know what to say.

“I understand if you want nothing to do with me.” His voice is laced with sadness. “I just want you to be safe.” He kisses my knuckles again. “Even if that means seeing you with someone else.” He swallows and the pain this causes him is evident.

I close my eyes and shake my head slightly. “I… I need to think about this,” I say quietly. “It’s just been a long day, a very emotional one and I can’t even begin to grasp all of the thoughts going on in my head.” I stand to my feet, my legs feeling like jello. “I just need to go to bed and just… take everything one day at a time. I have work tomorrow.”

“You’re going to work tomorrow?” he asks with surprise. “Why don’t you take it off?”

“No, I need to clear my head.”

He nods. “Can I take you to work tomorrow?”

I peek up at him. “Is it safe?”

“At least you’ll be with me. I want to make sure you get to work and get home safely. So, from now on, I think I should bring you and pick you up.”

I frown at this. “Wouldn’t that make things obvious?”

He sighs. “This is how it can get complicated.”

“It already is.” We’re both silent as we stare at each other, both at a loss of what to do now. “I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay,” he says quietly. “I’ll meet you in there. I’m just going to put away the videos and shut the computer down.”

I don’t say anything as I leave the room. I crawl into bed, suddenly feeling numb from the day’s events. It’s all too much to take in. First Bronx, and now this. I can’t even tell anyone about this, not Linda, not my Dad… nobody. Surely, they’ll tell me to leave and not have anything to do with this man. But I love him; that I’m sure of. But it could kill me to be with him, literally. Being stubborn me, I would try to make it work no matter what anyone says. For the first time in a long time, I feel alone and the tears come suddenly. They’re falling down my cheeks freely, and they don’t stop until sobs rack my body. I feel Brian crawl into bed behind me and he’s holding me as I cry. I turn around and bury my face into his chest, his hands rubbing my back to try to soothe me.

“This is so hard,” I sob.

“Shh, I know baby. Please don’t cry.” He pulls back to tilt my chin up and wipe the tears off my cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

I realize that I’m not sad for me, I’m sad for him. Having this death threat put above your head, not for yourself, but for the person you care about must be too much to take in. He’s come all this way to isolate himself, just keep to everyone safe. To live a life away from your loved ones must be so lonely… and to stop yourself from caring? So I cry well into the night with him holding me close. I cry for him, for us, and for this impossible love.