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Sushi, Me and Howie D.

 

Nick

 

The last few days have been a whirlwind for me. Here we were in London, recording as five people and living under one roof! I really can’t find the right words to describe my feelings about any of this. It’s odd how many feelings I WAS having about this in the first place. When the idea of us coming here and recording, with no family, friends or outside distractions was brought up in casual conversation between the five of us one day, it almost seemed like an impossible realization. Especially for someone like AJ who was leaving behind a very pregnant wife. The thought had excited me from the beginning even though I really never thought it would happen. Just like Kevin coming back for real seemed like more of an idea than an actuality.

I was proven wrong on both counts. All the guys jumped at the chance to come over here, who would’ve thunk it?

“It’ll be just like the last time we did this, remember?”  Howie had asked as we toasted to the idea about six months ago.  

I did remember the last time we all decided to hunker down and live together while recording. I was so young back then. We all were, but I was really young in every sense of the word. Back then, believe it or not, it was me who protested the loudest about the idea. Not that I didn’t want to spend time with the guys or anything but…okay I didn’t want to spend time with the guys or anything. At that point in my life, I just wanted to be with my ‘real’ friends. Be a ‘real’ kid and do ‘real’ things. Like I had any idea what ‘real’ anything was.  In the end, we had churned out a lot of great songs, many more crappy ones and that was that.

“You’re thinking about something.”

I looked over to Howie as I grabbed another piece of sushi from the middle of the table.

“Always, D.”

“Everything okay?”

I nodded at him and placed the California roll into my mouth.

Howie and I decided to do sushi after we were done recording today. So far, things had been going great. We had a huge collection of songs to pick from and it seemed like one was better than the other.  I felt so revitalized being in the studio. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on everything. It was going to be our first time recording just us and no record company standing over us like parents who were just waiting for you to screw up. Creative control was ours and I was determined to milk that for all it was worth, we all were.

“You sure everything’s okay? You’ve been really quiet.”

“Yeah, sorry man, just in a reflective mood.”

He nodded and signaled for the waiter to give him more Saki. “I’m glad you picked sushi, even though I was in the mood for Italian.”

“Eh, Sushi…lasagna…” I weighed them both with my hands and then grabbed another piece and popped it in my mouth.

“So, what are we reflecting on?”

I shrugged at him, “Just stuff…”

He smiled, “I love your knack for description.”

“I guess having Kev back and this being our 20th anniversary I’m feeling nostalgic.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

I nodded at him as memories flooded back. We had gone out just the two of us more times than I can count on one hand, but most of the time, it was because he was elected the job.  The job to take care of the youngest one, to calm him down or to try to talk sense into him or to keep him away from Kevin before the bushy browed one would kill him. It was poor D who always had to deal with my mood swings more than anyone else because he was the only one who had the patience to. I never made it easy for him either.  I wasn’t dumb, that’s the thing. I knew exactly what I was doing and exactly what they were always thinking and exactly why Howie would out of the blue; suggest we go out for ice cream or Burger King, just the two of us. Back then I just felt like he was the enemy, spying on me, trying to get information out of me that the others couldn’t. I was living a videogame and Howie was my nemesis. I used to call him Dr. Evil behind his back.

The thought made me smile.

“Do you remember when I was a kid and you used to take me out to cool me off?”

He rolled his eyes at me, “You mean every other day of your life?”

I laughed, “Yeah…sorry about all that.”

“You owe me much more than a sorry.”

He was so right about that. If I allowed myself time to really reflect on how I used to be and how I used to treat all of them, I’d go crazy. I was really a horrible kid. Just terrible and always ready to put up a fight and get my way and tell everyone off all the time.

He really looked at me up close for a second and then moved his body closer towards me, “Are you really serious? You’re apologizing to me about when you were a kid?”

I nodded, “Yeah. I was awful.”

He laughed and thought about it for a few seconds.  I could tell he was trying to come up with something witty and clever to say. When nothing came he took another sip of his Saki, “You were just a kid, Nicky. We all knew that.”

“I was a brat.”

“Which is part of being a kid, hell you should have seen me when I was young.”

I really wish I had known him as a kid. I feel like if we had grown up near each other and were really much closer in age, he would have been one of my best friends.

I guess that’s the thing I missed the most when it came to the guys. I never had a chance to just be their friend. Even Brian, who I used to always call my best friend, when it came down to it, he was really an older brother and someone who looked out for me when I needed that. Speaking of being reflective, I remember the very first time Brian called me Nick instead of Frack. Isn’t that an odd thing to keep in your head? It meant a lot to me that day, like the first time you find out there’s no Santa or Tooth Fairy. He always greeted me with a “Hey Frack!” followed by a noogie to the head. One day, he pulled me in an embrace and said, “Hey Nick.”  And that was that. From that point on it just got awkward when fans referred to us as Frick and Frack. I never knew what to say.  One day I’m going to ask him about that.

Anyway, that was my relationship to them all but when it came to just being a friend, it was never like that with me and any of them. Even AJ who was only a few years older than me, would play big brother more than friend.

I am going to try to change that this month and so far I think I’ve done a pretty good job. They’ve all noticed a change in me and that’s a good thing because I’ve worked my ass off to try to turn my life around.  Obviously Howie, Brian and AJ picked up on those changes by now but I’m still trying to get a good idea of how Kevin feels. Sometimes when he thinks I’m not looking, I see him giving me those sideways glances. The same ones he used to always give me when I was a kid. Looking me up and down for any signs of something he might be able to lecture me about later.

“D, would you consider me your friend?”

He gave me his famous what the fuck look. Well, it’s famous to me but maybe because I’m so used to being on the other end of it.

“No Nicky, I hate you.”

“Don’t be dumb. I’m serious.”

“Where is this coming from? Have you been watching the Lifetime Network again?”

I rolled my eyes at him, “Way to avoid the question.”

“I’m not avoiding it, it’s just ridiculous.”

“Okay how about I rephrase?”

“Now you’re being all TV lawyer.”

“When you look at me, do you see me or a kid?”

“I see you.”

Okay, maybe that didn’t really work the way I wanted it to because even though I had my answer, I was still unsure.

“Okay maybe I’ll rephrase again.”

He laughed at me and glanced down to check his phone. After smiling at whatever he was reading and texting a reply, Howie turned his attention back to me.

“You were going to rephrase?”

“Right…Do you consider me your friend or your bratty little brother?”

He started rubbing his chin with his hand as if he had a long beard there to pet. I’m sure he thought he was being hilarious but I was for some reason in a very emo mood and just stared at him, patiently waiting for an answer.

“Why can’t you be both?”

“Both?”

“Yes, Nicky you’re one of my very best friends on the planet, but you’re also the kid brother I have never wanted. You’re both.”

I laughed at him, but when he figured out that answer wasn’t really what I was hoping for, he actually got serious.

“I know I can depend on you for anything. If I need you, you’ll be there. We can go out and party and have a great time but if I see you doing something stupid, I’ll call you out on it. If you put yourself in a situation that merits me stepping in, I will because I always have. You can’t expect me to always see you as this grown man you’ve become. I met you when you were half the size you are now.”

“You mean when I was your size?”

“That was the little brother that I never wanted reply.”

 “I know!” I started nervously tapping the table with my chopsticks, “It’s just that I want you guys to see me as the person I am now.”

“Where is this coming from? Did something happen?”

“No, like said, I’ve just been reflecting.”

“Stop reflecting. We all see you, Nick and for the record, we’re really proud of what we see.”

I looked up at him, “Really?”

He shook his head slightly, I think I was amusing him.

“Yes, but we’re still going to treat you like a kid, because well…to us you’ll always be that kid.”

“But I’m also that adult with the great ideas and the huge amount of talent and that charismatic personality.”

He shook his head again, “Whatever you say.”

Once again he looked down at his phone. I could tell he was talking to his wife and she was probably texting him pictures of James doing random, cute things kids his age usually do, like vomit and crap on stuff.

Just like I remember the last time Brian called me Frack, I also remember the very first time Howie asked me to go out clubbing with just him. It didn’t happen immediately like everyone might think. Sure, we all went out after I turned twenty one, but again it was mostly an all or nothing type thing. After a concert we all made the decision to go out together and have a few drinks or a few dozen, depending on who you were, but when it came to just randomly hanging out together, I was never really included. Howie and Kevin would go out, Brian and his wife and AJ had his shady cast of characters and I had mine. One random day we had off in Chicago of all places and there was a knock on my door. I had just decided to hang out in my hotel room and play videogames so I was kind of surprised to see D standing there looking all spiffy and ready to go. He had asked me if I felt like going to a club, just the two of us and I jumped at the chance. We had a blast that night in fact I think it’s one of the few times I didn’t find myself getting shitfaced. I wanted to enjoy the moment when Howie finally wanted to hang out with Nick and not Nicky.

I looked up at Howie just then, I really loved this guy. I know I drive him nuts and it was so much fun torturing him, but he was all kinds of awesome.

“Why are you staring at me? Do I have something in my teeth?” He started rubbing his tongue against his teeth when I nodded at him. See? Too much fun!

“Did I get it?” I shook my head and pointed to something imaginary.

He put his finger in his mouth and started digging for the invisible bit of food and then rolled his eyes at me when he realized I was just teasing.

“Little brother that I never wanted again…”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

The weird thing is even now as I’m going on and on about wanting to be treated as an equal and a friend, if they ever just stopped treating me like their little brother I’d probably be bothered by it. I guess I just need to find a happy medium and be grateful for what I have.

“Are you ready to go?” He asked just as the check came to our table.

“Yeah, I guess. I think you should blow AJ off and you and I should go out clubbing, remember the first time you took me to a club, just you and I?”

“Yes, I remember it well. It was Chicago I think?”

Wow, I was impressed.

“Yes, good job D!”

“How could I forget? You made me pay for all your drinks and then you accidentally flushed my hotel key down the toilet.”

Oops! I guess I forgot about that. Selective memories, you gotta love them!

He shook his head and smiled at himself. I could tell he was thinking about how much he thought I was pretty awesome too. At least I’m going with that thought.

“What am I right now?” I asked him.

“Wow that was a very dangerous question.”

“I mean, am I your little brother or your friend?”

“Depends, are you paying?”

“I guess little brother you never wanted wins then!” I joked as I took the check and handed it to the waiter.

I figured I owed it to him.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

The Business Meeting is next :-) Thanks so much for the reviews and comments. I'm so glad you guys are enjoying these! Hopefully i'll be able to keep it up lol