More Than That – AJ
All my life really, I’ve been all about images.
When people think you’re nothing but what they see life tends to be safer. If they reject your image, your stereotype, they’re not really rejecting you. When I was a kid trying to perform any way I could whether it was puppet shows, acting, music, you name it…you get a lot of shit. Because people just don’t like different no matter how fucken old you are. It’s stupid but after awhile you learn to build up that wall. I remember when we first formed Lou thought because I liked to be different I had to be the “rebel”. It was fine by me because I knew that stereotype would be a pretty damn safe place. That I could be AJ rather than Alex—was how my mom always put it. I didn’t need to care because what bad boy cared, right?
I could hide behind my sunglasses which became my defense against the world.
When that stopped working I fell hard into the drugs, alcohol, and all that shit. I’ve been broken ever since. I remember way too vividly the day I thought was going to be the end of the Backstreet Boys. During the Black & Blue tour I was miserable, didn’t know up from down because I was always either high as a kite or drunk as hell. I stopped caring even about the one thing that used to always make me happy. It led to one of those moments where it showed just how much Kevin cared about it (mind you I’ve always been a little jealous of that weird connection he always had with Nick). He busted my door down and gave me the reality check I needed to go into rehab. Being the father figure I never had but always needed.
Ever since, when I start going too far down I remind myself of that. It’s still the motivation I take with me every time I go back. Like I said, I’m still broken. Hell, last year I just went. Because I also want to make sure my baby has the best father possible. I’m determined to be that. I don’t know what it’ll be just yet (I’ll get to find out after we go home to the states), but I sort of just know it’ll be a girl. It went back to being different since everyone else kept having boys. Knowing I’m about to be a dad it just fucks with my head. Am I ready for this? Can I do it?
Shit, I’ll be on tour next year before the kid is even a year old.
I feel like I’m gonna fucking fail.
Sometimes I look at Nick with the way he let all the same sort of demons—family, drugs, alcohol, beat him down. Yet he rose above and managed to shut the door on it. He’s a whole new person. I don’t get how he does that. I sighed deeply, taking a long drag from my cigarette. Yeah, I’m hiding outside behind the studio while Q keeps a lookout for fans for me. See, it’s the one drug I allow myself to have these days. Not that it’s smart because I know it screws up my voice. But I just don’t think I can handle trying to fight one more addiction. Like I’ll just break and not even Ro will be able to put my ass back together. I still think it’s a miracle that she loves me the way she does.
But she does and she’s supportive, hell I think she was more excited that we got away from the asshats at Jive than we were. And we’re putting ourselves on the line so much. We’re going to revisit all the hell we’ve been through to get where we are when we go back too. All for the documentary. No sugarcoating. We found a director who’s well known and actually liked the idea. It was Kevin’s idea we do it, as a way to introduce ourselves to the world again but honestly. A new album without a label to blame, a film that bares our souls…
God. This was why I loved projecting images to begin with!
“Hey.”
I almost dropped my cigarette when I heard Brian’s voice. He normally doesn’t sit outside with me like this when I’m getting my nicotine fix. If anyone does it’s Nick. Sometimes Kevin if he thinks I could use a talk. He has that eerie way of sensing that sort of thing. Brian does too but not as often. Hell, maybe it’s a Kentucky thing or some shit. None of the rest of us has that power. Howie tries though. I nod at him. “Hey.”
“You alright? You’re quieter than usual.”
“Eh,” I stretched my legs and before resting back up against the building. “Thinking. About how it’s a miracle we’re making it this far. If we’ll survive next year.”
He smiled a little but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Not normal for Rok, really. “I wonder if my voice will survive.” He replied softly.
I bumped his shoulder. “You will, dude you have a gift. It didn’t get taken away. We’ll find out what’s wrong and work with it. That simple. We won’t go on without you either. Fuck, if you wanna take a break you can.” I smirked. “I’ll even tell Kevin for you.”
Brian laughed, remembering the days like I did where all of us did have a slight fear of Kevin. I love him but man he used to have his intimidation tactics down. “I know. I don’t want to.” He glanced at me. “And you’ll be alright too.”
I sighed. “I don’t know shit about being a father. I don’t even have an example.”
“Just act like Kev.” A silly grin and a small chuckle followed. “No, you learn as you go. I had examples and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing at first. Neither did Leighanne. We read all the books but life was the best teacher.”
He wasn’t as fucked up as I was. But I’m going one day at a time to be better. I am. “That’s what Howie said too.”
“What has you thinking like this?”
It was weird but to be honest it was this new song we got today. Our main producer, Martin Terefe, a freaking musical genius in my opinion, brought it to us. Normally we write our songs with him. Now that the label is out of the way we want to show we really are artists. Prove that Boybands, vocal harmony groups, whatever you want to call us—we’re musicians. But this song hit a chord with me. It’s called Madeleine and he said he got inspired while Nick was talking about that poor fan of ours that got bullied for being gay and ended up committing suicide. We’d all talked about trying to send a positive message but man Martin ran with it.
It’s a beautiful song encouraging you to be strong, to rise up above everything and shine.
So of course I’m sitting outside wondering if I can.
“Nothing, just that everything’s picking up like a rollercoaster out of hell.” I said with a little shrug.
“I think it’s because everything’s going well.” Brian seemed to always know. The two of us got close when him and Nick got distant. Nick, well he functioned better but for the longest time it felt like a competition of who wants to have a dramatic rockstar death first. Morbid but hell, honest. “You’re afraid something’s going to mess it up, or that you’ll find a way to lose it.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not going to happen. God, AJ when I think back…I think it’s incredible you’re still here and fighting every day. Not everyone can do it.” He smiled. “Your baby will think so too when he or she is old enough to understand.”
I grinned, deciding to lighten the mood. Because I felt like he was right. Brian typically was when it came to me. Just having him sit and talk helped me feel better. “You know I’m having a girl.”
He laughed. “I don’t think you are having it unless there’s something you haven’t told me. Ro’s going to have a boy. We have to keep the tradition going!”
We were three for three when it came to having boys and now the joke was we’d have a BSB mini group for the future generations. Not that it’s needed between One Direction, Big Time Rush, and The Wanted. It’s weird, seeing them now. We get asked what we think about them in practically every damn interview by unoriginal journalists. It’s cool cause they seem to look up to us. They’ve done little homages to us in music videos. I guess it’s sort of like how NKOTB felt when we launched. Well, except for the fact we basically insulted them all the time to show we weren’t them, they’re good guys though.
“My girl will just be the hot lead singer, like Gwen Stefani.”
He snickered, rolling his eyes. “Sure. Whatever you say.” He paused. “You sure you’re alright?”
I nodded, being honest this time. “Yeah. I’m good. Thanks.”
Brian stretched as I snuffed out the remains of my cigarette butt. “C’mon, let’s go hear what they’ve done with that new song.” He grinned. “Even if they change it up, it can’t be worse than that Baby Girl song Nick wrote.”
“I don’t wanna talk about it or I’ll be singing it all night!” Damn if he wasn’t wrong. That was just a horrible song but that was still stuck in my head! Fucking Carter.
As I followed Brian inside I thought more on what he said. How right he was. I was so used to fucking up or having something taken away that when shit seemed to align the way it was for me now it scared the shit out of me. Because I want this, all of this, so badly. I want to have that happy little family that mine (who I loved) couldn’t manage to be. I wanted to keep winning that god damned sobriety battle as long as I could. I want the group to keep going. Next year we’re getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. How insane is that? Immortalized, recognized for everything we’ve done. Twenty years surviving everything the world had to throw at us. It’s fucking incredible. Even with everything I think I’m proud to be AJ. Something I used to think I’d never be able to say. And I’m thankful as hell.
Because these days the images I used to wear couldn’t even compare to what’s real.
Chapter End Notes:
Hear the "Baby Girl" song mentioned in the story here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VzvEb_Iv7bc (they sang about 30 seconds of it at the Vegas soundcheck Julie and I were at for the "In A World Like This Tour")
