Feels Like Home – Kevin
August 31st, 2012.
I’m at Central Park and I’m floored. It’s just, I have no words. We did an event yesterday that a lot of fans showed up for but today. Just wow. There’s literally thousands of people packed here and full of support for all five of us. I see signs in the crowd saying “Welcome Back Kevin”, and “We Missed You”. I even helped my son Mason make signs because once he understood daddy performed all the time once, he wanted to make them to show he supports me too. Kristin’s holding him in front of the crowd as he waves them proudly. The show? Good Morning America, which was one of the first to offer us support and air time to promote our “return” and 20th Anniversary.
All these fans never went away. They saw us fight. They saw us fall down—to drugs, bad labels, managers, paparazzi. We were on the verge of breaking up yet they stood by faithfully. I left and I came back. Yet they welcomed me with open arms. These fans are part of the reason I’m here. Able to even have this opportunity and those still yet to come. We weren’t done with the struggles. But that didn’t matter, I had faith. Simply because nothing’s stopped us now.
Nothing will.
I glance first at Howie who’s basking in the screams as we prepared for our performance. For the record they aired the songs out of order. With our comeback we also decided to remind everyone why we became famous to begin with. Because of how hard we fought. Because for whatever reason when the five of us sang together, something happened. Something special. So we planned to start it a capella. In that moment where we held our mikes up, ready to begin it was like time slowed down. It reminded me a lot of that first live performance at Sea World. Hundreds of people saw us there. Back then none of us thought we’d be where we are now. For a moment I could see us at the beginning with all of us so young and fresh and unaware of what’s to come.
I smiled at my four friends. My baby brothers in every sense of the world.
Howie, I remember when we were both feeling like nothing but glorified backup singers. I know fans always wondered if I meant that when I said it, since I came back a few years later. The sad truth was that I did. I never quite blamed the fellas. Most of it was the fault of the label who felt that my voice wasn’t commercial enough and that Howie wasn’t as marketable as Brian. Not everyone knows this but he was the lead till my cousin joined. Then Lou killed that because he felt “the cute blondes and the bad boy” would be our ticket. I hope he rots. He’s put so many kids looking for fame through hell. When I left Howie said he understood but felt he couldn’t leave with me. Sometimes I think he’s the better man because he stuck it out when I couldn’t anymore. Because I let the suits destroy my passion. Fans may not notice him as much but I do.
I shift towards Brian, the baby cousin I used to pick on at family get-togethers. While we were both raised in strong, study and faith rooted households he grabbed on to it in ways I never could. When he almost died I felt like a coward for not showing up for his surgery. While it gave him a stronger belief in God, I remember yelling at the sky when my father passed away. We have our differences sometimes but I know he always has the best intentions at heart. He always does. Brian sort of the light of the group. Cracking jokes and trying his best to keep everyone in happy spirits. He’s beaten the odds time and again—that’s how I know he’ll find a way to fix the vocal problems. I’ve known that from the start, all any of us had to do was remind him.
The two youngest of the group, they were also the ones who got lost in this world of fame’s dark side far too easily.
AJ was the one who had his problems right on his sleeve. That’s why he always wore those damn sunglasses whenever he could. He acts like people don’t know but we knew that was how he’d hide. Most people don’t know this because he’s tried to change himself so many times, but he’s one of the gentlest and most sensitive people I’ve ever met. He wants so badly to be liked and accepted but he’s afraid of being rejected so he tries to do things that’ll make it so people reject him on his terms. I’m so glad he’s finally gaining a real sense of himself and is slowly putting all that behind him. And I think he’ll be an amazing father because thanks to his own deadbeat asshole, he’ll know what not to be. AJ’s made so many mistakes but he’s learning them, growing, one step at a time.
Nick gave me a knowing grin as I chuckled a little. He’s always been so excitable. It’s weird but we’ve always been in the same roles just in the opposite situations. He’s the oldest Carter while I’m the youngest Richardson, yet I’m the oldest Backstreet Boy and he’s the baby. I’ll never admit it but sometimes I think we’re more alike than we realize. He has this creative passion for everything he does and wants to pursue everything—movies, art, writing. I’ve always been the same way myself. That might be why Brian told me he became more “Kevin Jr.” after I left. It made me smile, like a proud father. When his family abandoned him in ways I couldn’t imagine we did our best to be his surrogate. For the longest time he hid his problems and when we did catch on I felt helpless to save him. That I saved AJ but was going to lose him as the price. I’m thankful I was wrong. He’s come so far and I couldn’t be happier.
Then there was me. I was the one who dipped out because I felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. I ran to the stage I’d loved during our hiatus. I’d been free from corporate tools who tried to tell me how I needed to make music. That my role was to smile in the background and sing. Free from men trying to drain us dry and kill our careers in 2005. I lived normally after doing Chicago. I had a son, acted a little. But then I started playing music with some friends and the spark I thought had been snuffed out sprung back to life. I learned from Brian that Jive was letting them off. It was like I was given another chance, welcomed with open arms. I knew how lucky I was to be there.
It was the return of the Backstreet Boys but in a brighter, happier way.
Was the album done? Not yet. We failed slightly on our mission to complete the album during our month stay in London. But none of us were too upset about that. It happened because there were too many songs we loved and wanted to try. Too many producers for us to want to stick to just one (though Martin Terefe is incredible). It was just the kind of problem I think all of us wanted now that we were on our own. I never told anyone but I was worried we wouldn’t all be able to tap into our creative well enough to actually handle it. I was excited for the music in ways I hadn’t been in years. I’m looking forward to bringing Mason on the road with me for the very first time.
I gave a little nod at the others. We leaned in…
“All you people can’t you see, can’t you see, how your love’s affecting our reality… Every time we’re down, you can make it right. That makes you larger than life!”
And I have to say, I know everything’s changed. I know we’ll never again be that naïve group that got started dancing in sweaty warehouses down in Orlando. We may not ever shut down Times Square again, or break worldwide records though we’ll try like hell. The world may still see us as a joke and want us to stop. We’ve grown and we’ve matured. Even in the six years I’ve been gone nothing’s as I’ve left it. We’ll still fight and argue and say we’re fed up. I’ll say we played it too safe or Howie might say we’re pushing too many boundaries. Nick will be distracted or Brian's cracking too many jokes. AJ will take too many of those twitter bomb videos. The five of us will get sick of each other, as always.
But none of that mattered.
Because being there, in that moment singing for the fans who stuck by us for it all with my brothers…
It still felt like home.
It always would.
Chapter End Notes:
I just wanted to thank everyone who stuck it out (despite this taking me a lot longer than I planned, sorry!) with me. I hope you enjoyed the story!
