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Chapter Seventeen

"Which one do you think looks more Nick-ish?" Lauren asked, holding up two photos. One was of a wedding on a cliff face over looking an sunset oceanview, and the other was a wedding on board an oceanliner. "Helen needs to know so she can book the place. I don't know which I like better. I mean they're both beautiful and the ocean's in both so like Nick will be all 'oh yay the ocean' either way, but ---" Lauren paused, squinted at Rochelle. "Ro?"

Rochelle blinked. "What? she focused on the pictures. "Those are nice."

Lauren lowered the photos and eyed Rochelle, "Ro-Ro, when was the last time you slept?" she asked pointedly.

Rochelle felt like it'd been forever. It seriously had been a couple days. The night she and Nick had spent at AJ's house had been the last time she'd slept soundly. Since then, she'd spent long nights tossing and turning and trying to resist going and finding Nick and listening to AJ's heartbeat again. She groaned, "I'm sorry, Laur," she said, "I'm just so tired."

Lauren sighed, "You should go to bed early tonight."

Rochelle nodded, even though she knew it wouldn't help no matter how early she went.

Lauren turned back to the photos. "I think Nick would look gorgeous on that cliff. Don't you? His hair would catch the wind and his eyes -- God they'd like exactly match that water, huh? And maybe we could get his tux a blue tie..."

"Nick Carter would be gorgeous anywhere," Rochelle said bluntly.

Lauren laughed, "It's true," she nodded. "Nick would probably like the boat more, knowing him, but I feel like it'd be too 'BSB Cruise' and not enough 'once-in-a-life-time-romantic-event'."

Rochelle nodded.

"What do you think?" Lauren asked.

Rochelle shrugged, "They're both nice."

Lauren whined, "Help me piiiick one!"

Rochelle groaned, "Ugh I'm like the worst maid of honor ever, aren't I?"

Lauren sighed, "Well you do kind of suck."

"I won't be offended if you fire me and hire Leighanne," Rochelle laughed.

"Ew, one word for you: Taffetta."

Rochelle smiled, "Guess you better keep me around, then."

Lauren sighed, "I guess so. Just... you better stop sucking."


-----



Nick was sitting in his office, scribbling notes onto scraps of paper at two o'clock in the morning, when a knock came at the door. Probably Lauren, come to fetch him from his late night revelries, he thought, and he clicked off the desk lamp and went to the door, "Sorry," he whispered, "I just had this thought I had to get out and --" but he found himself face-to-face with Rochelle.

"Can we talk?" Rochelle asked.

Nick nodded and stepped back to let her into the room. She slipped past him and sat on his couch. The room was only illuminated by the fish tank he had in one wall, an eerie green-blue color. Nick sat down next to her. "Yeah?"

"The other night..." she said slowly, "At my place. When I listened to AJ's -- to your heart -- I slept so good." Rochelle bit her lips.

Nick stared at her.

Rochelle's eyes filled with tears, "Nick I can't sleep without it."

"What?"

"I used to sleep on AJ's chest like that so I could hear his heart beat and I can't sleep without it." A tear rolled across her face, "I try and I just keep rolling over and tossing and turning and I can't handle it. I think about him all night. In Japan I would go sit on the balcony or stare up at the stucco ceiling, and I'm so tired... I need to sleep."

Nick realized what she was getting at. He drew a deep breath and stood up. He pulled open his desk drawer and got a pad of paper out.

"What're you doing?" Rochelle asked.

"Writing Lauren a note. I don't want her freaking out that we aren't here in the morning again."

Rochelle paused. "We can just stay here," she suggested.

Nick turned around. "Isn't that weird, though?"

"Why?"

"I dunno, because... I dunno." He shrugged.

Rochelle stood up. She walked across the room and stepped up to Nick. She reached for the hem of his shirt and slipped it off over his head and laid her hands on his chest. He bit his lip, watching her. Rochelle took his hand and pulled him gently to the couch, where he laid down and she lay beside him, her head over his heart.

Long after Rochelle had fallen asleep - which was pretty much immediately - Nick lay awake, staring at the fishtank, thinking. He didn't know why it was weirder to be doing this here, at home, than it would be if they were at AJ's. He supposed it had something to do with being in his territory, under the same roof as Lauren. At AJ's house, it had felt like a duty, something he wanted to do while here it felt like a violation of something, like something was being taken away, but he wasn't sure what.


-----



"And what do you think that means?" asked Nick's psychologist, a middle aged guy named Chuck that reminded him of Bill Murray. He peered at Nick over the legal pad he was making notes on.

Nick shrugged. "I don't know." He looked at his hands, "It just... bugged me, or something. It wasn't bad. I don't know." He picked at the skin around his thumbnail.

Chuck chewed on the eraser of his pencil for a moment, then uncrossed his legs and leaned forward, "You said you felt like something was being taken away."

"Yeah."

"That carries negative cannotations."

"But it wasn't like a badthing," Nick said. "I mean, I really love Rochelle," he sighed, "It's just hard is all, I think."

"You love her?"

"As a friend," Nick ammended. He scratched his leg.

"Did you feel violated?"

"No."

Chuck studied Nick a moment. "Turned on?" he tried.

"Not really," Nick replied. He paused. "Well, maybe a little. Yeah. But not like irrestiably."

"And how are things going with Lauren?" Chuck asked.

Nick shrugged, "We're engaged."

"You don't sound ecstatic," Chuck observed.

"I am," Nick argued.

"You do you still feel guilty about Alex?" Chuck asked.

Nick nodded.

"Did you do those journaling exercises we talked about?"

"Yeah," Nick nodded.

"And how did it feel getting those feelings out?" Chuck questioned.

Nick shrugged, "Felt okay." He paused. "Do hearts ever... I dunno, change a person? When they aren't originally their hearts anymore?"

Chuck leaned back and rubbed his chin. "How do you mean?"

"Like do they have feelings different then their new people would have? Like stuff the heart felt in its old person?" Nick didn't know how to put words to what he was asking.

"There've been cases that it seems the heart has changed a person," Chuck replied. "The cases are rare, and typically believed to be mostly based in psychology more than physiology..."

Nick nodded. "So...it's controllable. It's not like inevitable."

"Certainly not."

"Okay good."

"Is this something you would like to talk about?" Chuck asked.

Nick hesitated. "No," he replied.