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«Nick? It's been a week, I know. I'm sorry. It's been a week since the last time I've left you a message. It never happened before and I feel so bad for not calling sooner. The longest I've let pass without talking to you was just a day. But, as much as I feel guilty, I know deep inside that you know the reason for my silence.
They've kept me in hospital for some days. I wasn't good and not only because Kevin had to stop me before jumping down from a bridge.
Stress.
Depression.
They used all the explainations possible but we know what was really, right? It was your absence weighting on my body, it was missing and lonsing for you that didn't let me breath and live. Simply as that.
You know how much I can't stand being in a hospital, with doctors and nurses that use you as a sort of pincushion. But I beahved like a good boy, you would have been so proud. I slept, I ate and I answered all those questions they had for me. I did everything so that I could escape, so that I could come home.
It's kind of strange. We'vre grown up being in the spotlight. Everyone watches you, everyone looks for any details that can give them access to our thoughts and emotions. They wait for your wrong move, they wait for your cry for help. So, you wear a mask. You give them what they want, you play the role while you are only wasting away those precious energies you could use for heal and cure wounds and bleeding.
That was my mistake. That has always been my mistake and it didn't matter how many times you told me that it didn't matter what people might have thought of me. How many times did you tell me to take care of myself? You didn't care about other's consent, you only cared for what I would say. Those days... in the past, it didn't really matter. It didn't 'cause I had you, my secret place where to hide and those arms to hold onto when I was too weak to stand on my own.
I was naive. I had been naive, you know? I was so stupid to believe that if I had hold on a little tighter, if I had prayed a little bit stronger, you would have come back and magically put the pieces together again. I've lived in a illusion and, when I realized that it would never happened, that you would never come back again, I chose the most coward way.
Now. Now I don't have anything left. I'm like a new born child who has to learn how to survive life. The only difference is that I have to learn how to live in a world without you.
I'm back at Kevin's house. Going home, now, is out of question. Going home is like committing suicide a second time. I'm still not okay, I still can't fall asleep without crying out my pain through tears. But I'm not ashamed anymore, I'm not embarrassed to ask Kevin if he wants to stay with me or if he wants to watch a stupid movie just 'cause it still hurts too much.
Most of all, I'm not afraid anymore of memories. Of your memories.
It hurt before. Guess I wasn't read to hear and listen to people talking about you. Now I'm the one talking, I'm the one bringing you to life with words. And this... this is the best medicine right now.»