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The key turned inside the keyhole and the metallic click echoed inside a house that was now only empty, silent and cold. To Brian, closing that door was like ending a chapter of his life, the most fulfilling and happiest one that even those years when the fame of the group had been at its highest couldn’t even be compared to. He doubted that he would ever put his foot again inside that place, even when and if his heart one day would be able to heal itself and begin again to beat normally. Despite the inescapable flow of time, that house would always guard every memory, every impression and trace left by Nick and that was the reason why Brian decided not to sell it and just close it as it was. He hadn’t even taken anything with him, just was strictly necessary not to forget our life together while everything else would have waited there, a testimony of something that couldn’t be forgotten but that had been interrupted too soon and abruptly.
It has always been their plan. Take everything and just leave that frenetic life between flights, tourbus and that fragile and thin line between private and public; leave and build their own world, made of a normal life spent in a small town where they would have been known as “Brian and Nick, the couple who lives in the house at the end of the beach” instead than “Brian and Nick, the ones from that famous boyband.”
Now, that project was only Brian’s. And, though with a heavy heart, Brian understood why Nick pushed him towards that solitary adventure. A new life, a new beginning and, maybe, the first step to healing. There, surrounded by what they had been; there, surrounded by friends and family that would always speak and remind him of Nick; there he would never be able to find the strength to move his first steps. But Nick knew him, Nick knew him better than anyone else, even more than Brian himself, and he knew that Brian would end up half living, the surface of the guy he had been but with a dry and deserted soul within.
And what a better day to being a new life if not on New Year’s eve?
It seemed like a too much bizarre coincidence that Brian was almost tempted to believe that there was something strange, something more underneath if he wasn’t convinced that Nick would never had been that cruel.
“Are you really sure to leave today?” Kevin asked while passing him the last of his boxes. A life closed in boxes, few containers that would never be opened again, hidden in a closet until their sight wouldn’t hurt again that wound that was still pulsing.
“Stay at least for the party. – Aj said. – You shouldn’t be alone tonight...”
In some way, Brian found himself smiling a little. It wasn’t his usual one, the one he was famous for, but it wasn’t that mask he had wore when he wanted to fake that everything was okay.
“I really don’t want to celebrate, Alex. I don’t have anything to remember this year and nothing to hope for the new year.”
“None of us wants to celebrate.” It was Howie’s reply, letting the “without Nick” floating between them.
For some seconds, Brian watched his three best friends, reminding himself that he hadn’t been the only one whose life had been crashed by that tragedy. Maybe he was the one paying the highest price but even them, even Howie, Aj and Kevin had been burned by it.
Even them deserved to start over again.
“I know. But Nick would have wanted you to be and celebrate with your families.”
A first hug. Then a second. And, at last, the third, longer and the one Brian hold onto with more intensity. For weeks, he used his cousin as a refuge and crutch. And now it all seemed like many and many years before, when he had said goodbye to his parents before leaving for Orlando. That hug, in a way, smelled like a goodbye.
“Please, Brian. – Kevin whispered in his ear, his voice broken by the emotions. – Take care of yourself. It’s all what Nick would have wanted. And you know.”
Brian could only nod before letting go of that embrace. A last word, a last laugh and then the engine of the car started to roar, taking Brian away from what had been his life until Nick’s accident.
“Goodbye.” Brian murmured in a sob as he watched the house disappearing in the rear-view mirror.




**********





It was already the sunset when Brian finally decided to stop for a little break. He had been driving for hours and hours, the speed of the car gave pulse to his memory and let it free to fly back to all those trips made together, destinations achieved and found out by surprise and places they fell in love with only because they had lived them together.
Like the place where now he stood. He had almost reached his destination, only an hour left of driving, and from that promontory, if he looked down he could make out the first houses of that town they felt attracted to since the very first moment they walked in.
That was one of the stop they would always made every time they would pass by: at the sunset, it seemed like to step in front of a painting outlined by the hand of nature, with that pink, orange and purple that fell directly in the blue of the ocean, where golden rays reminded that the sun warmed those waters not so long before.
For a second, for one and long second, Brian lifted his face and let himself be caressed by the small wind. He knew that someone would have find it stupid but in that wind, in those sunrays and, sometimes, even in the rain, Brian seemed to feel still Nick’s presence.
Yes, it was stupid.
As usual, Brian took out his phone and called that number. A ring and then came up that message that he would have loved to kick.

“One day I’m gonna end all of this, Nick. One day I’ll be able to let one day pass without the urge and the desperate need to call you and talk to you like you’re still alive. Like you’re still here with me. There’s no need for me to tell where I am right now. Not only you are probably watching me from your cloud. Well, you’re probably doing that. But you knew that I would stop here.
Remember the first time?
We were fighting, I was so mad because you wouldn’t listen to me like always. You’ve always wanted to be right even when it was so obvious that you were wrong. You were much more stubborn than me, more stubborn than everyone I have ever met but, if you hadn’t, I don’t think we would have end up being together. That time you stopped the car suddenly, going out slamming the door, knowing perfectly how much I hated it; I followed you, I wanted to keep up our discussion, I wanted so bad to prove how much you were wrong. But I blocked myself as soon as I saw where you were standing. I was already picturing you falling down from what seemed an impossible height. And you… You stepped back because you felt my fear. Remember? It was like looking at that view, even for a second, had been able to calm you. You hold out a hand, trying to get me closer. I still remember how you convinced me and… maybe I shouldn’t believe to your promises anymore, since you have broken the most important one, but I’m here and I’m not afraid because I know you’ll never let me fall.
Here. Here is where we started our plan. Seeing those houses so far away from each others, seeing that calm made of solitary cars and those boats sleeping on the ocean, all of that seemed what we have always wished for. Be normal. Live like everyone else.
I don’t know how much I can live like a normal person. Nick, you were my normality. And it doesn’t matter which shape I will be able to find and create, it will never be like I have always dreamed of. Like we have planned to.
But I’m gonna try. I own it to you.”







**********



Their, well, his house was the last one at the end of a private road. The first time they had seen it was during one of their walking on the beach: it was easy to spot, since it was the only one left abandoned and left alone. Taking advantage from it, they had stumbled inside – it had been Brian’s idea while Nick kept saying how that was the perfect hiding of some criminals – and they had started to imagine how beautiful those rooms must had been once.
Buying that house was the most impulsive decision they had ever made since they started a relationship but they never regretted it.
The only regret Brian now felt was for those small changes him and Nick had started to make. And that was the reason why that place was perfect for healing, mostly because there weren’t memories of Nick ready to haunt him. Still, it scared him, it terrified him thinking that one day he would wake up without needing or feeling Nick’s presence by his side.
From the centre of town, the bells of the old church started to welcome the new year. In the living room, the only room livable in some ways, the only trace of a celebration was a forgotten bottle of champagne.
With a hand, Brian raised up his glass towards the black of the night, stormed with the lights of the fireworks.
“Happy New Year, Nicky.”