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Message #3



Beep.



“It has been a day. Or maybe, it has been longer but it doesn’t seem to me. To me, it seems that time has stopped its curse, frozen in that moment when the doorbell had rang. You know what I want to do with that damned doorbell? I just want to kick it and hit it until it’s shattered in a million pieces so that it can never announce other bad news.
Do you know that those two came again? The policemen, I mean. Apparently their daughters are our fans and they wanted… they... they wanted to bring their... see? I can’t even pronounce those words! I’ve always reveled in being good with words, remember? You used to call me “little wise man”. No, no “little”. Dwarf? No, it wasn’t dwarf. Gnome. That’s it! It wasn’t a way of making fun of me because you’ve always said with that smile that was only for me and with that special light in the eyes that made me feel special too.
And now, do you know what I desire more than everything? You making fun of me. Your jokes. Because it would mean that I would be able to hear your voice once again, listening to vocals and consonants that would caress my ears. And I would see your lips pronouncing them.
"

A sigh breathless, hoarse. Forced, like it was enough to stop the pain to arise once again and break the reins that trapped it. Fingers tightened up around the phone. Eyelids blinked quickly once, twice until the eyes beneath them were once again dry.

"I still think that it’s only a nightmare. It has to be a nightmare. I keep saying to myself that all I have to do is wake up and I will see you beside me in bed, sheets tangled up around your body and the fist close to your head on the cushion. And it will take just closing the space between me and you to just put a little kiss on the top of your head. My fingers will start travelling upon your skin, following the lines of your bones and muscles, tracing the ink of your tattoos. At least, I could say goodbye to you. You owe me that, Nick. Just a goodbye, it doesn’t matter how long it will be. I deserve a goodbye. They say... they said me that it hadn’t been your fault. The accident. But I didn’t listen. I don’t need the details because they can’t change the fact that you’re gone. It’s not like they would make you come back miraculously unharmed and without a scratch upon your face."

Brian slid on the floor, his back pressed against the bed and his knees pressed against his chest.

"I still haven’t cried. Everyone is saying that I should react in some ways, screaming, breaking things or crying. Crying has became their favorite word, they make it seem like it would erase this agony or validate the fact that I’m collapsing under this pain. I don’t want to cry. I can’t cry, nor when you aren’t here to kiss those tears away. You were the only who had ever see me cry. You were the only one who knew how to make it go away without even trying. The best part was that you did it in silence, you knew that I never need words of comfort. You just took me in your arms so that I could hide away, so that I could make my pain invisible to the rest of the world. Now... now where can I go to hide? Who will do it? Kevin? Aj? My mother? Who will tell me that everything is going to be alright? That I will be fine? What do they know? What...?"

The first sob escaped silently, breaking down the barrier that Brian had built to defend his soul. Soon, those words of pain had the company of the tears, warm drops trailing down his face before vanish inside every surface they met: clothes, hands. His phone. His fingers, knuckles almost white from the strain of gripping the cold surface, trembled so bad making it hard to keep holding the phone.

"Please, Nick. I’m begging you... don’t be dead. Please... I can’t... I can’t go on… not without you...”