Strange had been how time had passed so quickly, days following each others at the speed of the light in between all the things that needed to be done daily. Slowly the house was starting to take its own identity, going from a hybrid between past and future and what it really should had been: Brian’s home, without any other owners or inhabitants. Sure, there were still moments when he’d found himself choosing a color or something upon what Nick would had preferred; it still happened to be caught buying Nick’s favorite food or drink when he’d gone to do the groceries, without having then the courage and strength to throw them away. And there were still evening o lunches when he’d set the table for two people, having then to admit to himself that no one would join him to eat. But all those moments would happen very rarely now and without that hint of agony that Brian had gotten used to in the previous months. It was perhaps because he had changed his whole attitude and outlook so those small missteps helped him to remember Nick and his past with funny tenderness, though those memories were left out from that new life that slowly and barely was starting to build the firsts walls that would last in time.
And, with a slight hint of sweet bitterness, Brian had to admit that he was starting to accept and love his new identity. Alone with himself, alone with only his mind and conscience as friends, he was starting to find out those features that he had, and wanted, to lose when him and Nick first got together: it had been a play of compromising, it had been that being able to adapt himself at any situations that Nick had praised and loved. It had been, and still was, normal to adapt at living on his own, considered that few had changed from the time when he hadn’t been the only one living inside the same four walls: oh, he loved Nick but he was totally clueless when it came to cleaning or how to do laundry! Eerily, each single piece of clothes ended up colored in pink or, even more mysteriously, they would ended up with shirts so small that only newborns would had been able to wear.

Now he woke up early, Brian. Although he could sleep until later in the morning, an inner alarm would woke him up when the first rays of sun plunged themselves into the ocean, playing hide and seek with the window fixtures. Oh, it happened that once in awhile he would sleep longer but, usually, at the time when all other people would start to get up, he was already coming back from his morning run on the beach, ready for a stop at coffee cart that bake the most delicious brioches he had ever fallen in love with. And so that was how his mornings started every day, between all the works that the house needed to be done, his duties for the charity that finally was returning to be operative and all those errands that Mrs. Hudson asked him to do for her. He was really fond of that woman. In many ways she reminded him of his mom and it wasn’t a big step when he would say that it was like having a second maternal figure taking care of him. Oh, she was so nosey! She never left him alone for more than a couple of hours, thus he knew that partly was because she was another victim of loneliness , being a widow for years and without any sons or daughters that could visit her. In Brian, Mrs. Hudson had found someone to finally pour every inch of love she had kept inside for years and years, when only a few lucky cats had been honored to receive from time to time. Among everyone, still, the old lady was the only one who could really comprehend what Brian was feeling and she had been the only one Brian felt he could talk about how still, no matter what, Nick’s absence still weighted so much. She was the only one who really understood and never had she judged him all those times she found him with the phone between his hands and talking to a person that would never listen or hear those words.

They were more rare and rare. The phone calls. There were days when Brian didn’t even have almost the time to breathe, least to talk to Nick. And when he did remember about it, when finally there was peace and tranquility around him, Brian felt again that sense of guilty keeping him prisoner, an invisible voice who would whisper him evilly that he was forgetting that person that, only a few weeks before, had swore that could never live without.

“Do you know what is that I love more about you?”
“My being absolutely beautiful and sexy?”
“Oh, you mean your being absolutely beautiful short? – An elbow hit perfectly a rib. – Ahia!”
“You were saying...”
“That you’ve hurt me!”
A second blow hit the same exact point of before. “No, what were you saying before it.”
“And then fans wondered what I must do to end up with so many bruises. – Nick busted out, shifting so not to get hit by a third blown. – I don’t know if I love you anymore.”
“Nick!”
“Okay. Okay. Perhaps it’s not really what I love most about you, considering that half of the time I want to hit you for that very behavior... it’s that your masochist.”
Brian’s eyebrows rose up in confusion. “This should be a compliment?”
“Yep. You’re a good person. But you know what you want too and you always try not to hurt other people’s feelings. And when this happens, because even you can’t predict the repercussion of your actions on others, you feel guilty about it and you keep thinking about all the things you should have done or what you could have done more. Not for yourself. But for the others.”

Brian knew that his guilt would never abandon him. It would have been always there, its voice more whispered, less strong and less intense but never absent. Maybe because Nick’s memory would become more and more obfuscated as time would pass and Brian’s feelings for him would just became in the sweetest memory of what true and real love would be.

That was the moment when someone knocked at the door, erasing those thoughts from Brian’s mind. Brian wondered who might be: it couldn’t be Mrs. Hudson since she had now taken up the habit to use the kitchen’s door and without knock or notify her arrival. So Brian walked through the living room and up to the front door. Once opened it, he couldn’t be more surprised and shocked by who he found standing there.

“Now that’s a surprise.”

“I was in the neighborhood…”

“Yep, your neighborhood is like six hours away from your house.”

A shrug of the shoulders was the first reply Brian got while he let Aj inside. “It’s all relative. And I had to give you these papers for the charity. I don’t know for what but Howie said that you already know.”

“You do know that I have a fax machine, right?”

“You do? Man and here I thought that you would use flying birds to send messages in this forgotten village.”

“Ah, ah. That’s funny. Not only I have a fax machine but, oh, even internet!”

“Wow! Welcome back to the modern era!”

Brian looked over the friend and the duffel bag he was still holding. “I presume you’re staying for the night.”

“Six hours of driving, remember?”

Brian laughed, taking the duffel bag from Aj’s hands.

“Since you’re the very first guest of the house, you’ve just won a touristic trip of the house.”

“You’ve already finished it?”

“No, not yet. As a matter of fact the guest bedroom is still half done so, if you don’t mind, you’ll have to use the bathroom downstairs ‘cause I’m still working on...”

“Ehm... do you know who you’re talking with? Aj. Not Howie!”

“I’ve warned you, as any good host would do.”

Originally the house had been planned to be on one only floor but, since Brian had the means and the money, he then decided to add a second floor, even though the upstairs was going to have small rooms but a large terrace that could allow to enjoy the ocean view all around the house. The day section didn’t have many walls but kitchen, living and dining rooms were all a wide open space with tall windows to let in all the most possible sun light and, some of them were more like doors that would open on a small terrace that had access to the beach itself. It was the kitchen the room that Brian loved the most. That had been the first room he designed without thinking about what Nick would had wanted or not, mostly because that was the one place the boy never gave much input about. Even in the kitchen wide and tall windows decorated the walls colored with a pale shade of white cream, giving the impression to be able to enter directly in the ocean and beach. A contrast wasn’t created by the color of the furniture, since they had the same white shade of the walls, but from the light blue of the ceramic tiles and of all the others details and tools. A window-door, now slight open and letting in the salty and sandy air, gave access to a small porch, decorated as a gazebo, where a small table and a comfortable couch offered refuge both for a relaxing day or a quiet evening spent reading a book. That was where Brian stayed when Mrs. Hudson would come and visit him, the old lady all wired about how the beach was totally prisoner of the nature and how it was impossible to build other houses in the neighborhood.

“Can I offer you something to drink? I think I still have some ice tea left, otherwise I can always make some coffee.”

“Coffee. Magic word.”

“And to think that Nick didn’t even like it at first. – Brian found himself saying while he was trying to reach for the coffee already minced. – And then, some years later, he would became a beast if I didn’t have it already made when he got up.”

Aj was taken aback for a few seconds, having prepared him not to mention Nick’s name not to cause any pain and remembering all those times it took only a slight mention to observe the friend’s face screwing up with lines of heartache. Not this time because Brian’s expression was of nostalgia and melancholy but there was a smile shining through them, as if Brian wasn’t afraid anymore of memories.

“The first time he drank it, he spat it out of the window.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Remember when we were doing that tour around all those high schools? We’re practically unknown...”

“... we slept at dirty motels with only two beds...”

“Yeah. Good times, right?”

“In a way.”

Brian returned to work on the coffee, succeeding into finding some cookies Mrs. Hudson had helped him baking. And that was how he would spend some of his free hours, taking up cooking lesson from his neighbor. And he had to admit that it wasn’t wasted time, given the almost good results.

So, with biscuits and coffee, Brian sat down in front of Aj.

“Seriously, Alex, you aren’t really here only for a few papers. Why are you here?”

“Nick was the one person who I would turn to when I was struggling with my old habits. He was the only one who would really understand the reason why it happened. At least partially.“ Said Aj while playing mindless with the lace of his sweater.

“So that’s the reason behind all those phone calls.”

“Did he tell you about it?”

“Not really. He always said that it was a friend needing him and that he had to go and help him. I never really asked because I knew it was something that needed to be kept between him and whoever was that person.”

“So you trusted him?”

Brian didn’t reply immediately, sensing that there was a precise reason why Aj was asking that particular question.

“If I didn’t trust Nick, I don’t think we would have been able to move on and resolve everything. There had been moments when I wondered if Nick was the one needing help and, yeah, I felt hurt that he didn’t come to me but... But I know that, at least for that problem, I couldn’t be his confident. Not for something that I couldn’t never understand. And it was okay, since he would always come back to me, he would always come back with a tired smile on his face.”

“I envied Nick so much, you know? I envied him that he had found a way to take his life and turned it completely around, making his problems so small that it would only took a quick jump to resolve them. I kept asking him for advice, I kept begging him to tell him how he managed because I could do it, no? And you know what his reply was?”

Brian shook his head, giving Aj the implied agreement to go on speaking.

“He would always say that I needed to really want to change. It fucking pissed me off, as if he was trying to imply that I didn’t want to get better and win my addiction. But Nick was right and that was why I was so fucking angry. Every time my good intentions went down with the first sip of alcohol.”

“And now?” Brian asked, mentally beating himself up because he had never been worried about how the others were facing that situation. Egoistically he only thought about what Nick’s death had brought inside his life; he had only thought about running away from the waves of pain. He never stopped, realistically and for more than a few seconds, to wonder about how the others, people who knew and loved Nick, were trying to react and move on. And Aj was like him, in a way: he had lost the person he looked up to try and win over his problem of alcoholism.

“There had been moments when all I wanted to be just drink myself to oblivion. I hid myself behind the alibi that everyone was so worried about you that no one would ever cared about me or if I had taken up drinking again. And when it happened, when I realized how fucked up I was... well, that was my wake up call. Even if it didn’t quite work for long.”

“But something has changed. – Brian observed. He had realized it almost immediately, when he had taken notice of the absence of those sunglasses that always had hidden Aj’s eyes and the signs of his problems. And himself. And after what Brian had gone through with Nick, it was easier to take notice of the slightest details. – You’re sober.”

“For some months. Since the day you called for Nick’s charity.”

“I don’t see the connection.” Brian murmured with a confused voice and expression.

“You had every right to destroy yourself, Brian. And, still, here you are. Still fighting with tooth and claws and getting up after every seatback. And that is where I was always wrong: every time I had a seatback, every time I would fall back in that hole, I would only hate myself more for being so weak and stupid, for not being strong enough to say no and stay away from the bottle.”

At those words, Brian got up from the couch and disappeared for some seconds into the studio, returning then with that bottle of vodka that Brian and Nick had kept for all those years.

“Is this some sort of test?” Aj asked, forehead frowned in confusion and a slight pang of trepidation, like he really felt like all of that was just a test.

“Oh, I would never dare anyone to open it. Unless you want to visit the local hospital.”

“So, what’s all about?”

“I presume Nick never told you what his real epiphany was.”

“Wasn’t the night when you ended up in hospital?”

“That was the public, modified and edited version. That night we... we fought. I was so ready to break up with him because I couldn’t stand anymore seeing Nick destroying himself or letting him destroying me and our relationship. So I gave him an ultimatum: me or that bottle of vodka.”

“You aren’t really serious. You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m never been this serious. Me or that bottle. It shouldn’t be that hard.”

The fingers started to tremble around their grip around the neck of the bottle.

“I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t have any problems at all. I don’t have to make a decision.”

“No, of course not. So you shouldn’t have any problems at all with letting go of that bottle and breaking it. Am I right?”

Instinct and desire seemed to be chains that kept Nick tied tight with that bottle. Lips, mind and logic kept suggesting that there weren’t any doubt on what was the right decision to be made but those chains made him close into himself while demons kept suggesting that they wouldn’t hurt him if he let them stay with him. A part of him couldn’t understand what the problem was and why Brian couldn’t accept that harmless habit of drinking a glass or two; another, instead, knew that it wasn’t really harmless as his parents always made him believe and taught.

“Bri...”

Brian shook his head, defeated and yield in front of that impasse. “As I suspected.”

Leaving Nick standing still with the bottle safe in his hand, Brian started to run down the stairs as his heart beat furiously and painfully against his chest.

“He never did it because of me or for me. He didn’t do it because I left him that night. He did it because that was the day when he saw and realized what kind of person he had become and how much he hated himself for all the hurt and pain he had inflicted himself for all those years.”

“I don’t wanna be that person either. I... I know I didn’t...”

“Ehi, it’s okay. It doesn’t matter. During those days I could barely recognize who was there with me. I don’t know how many times I’ve insulted or told Kevin to fuck off.”

A laugh escaped Aj’s lips, breaking that air full of tension between them.

“I wish I had been there.”

“The most important thing is that you are here now. You know, that is something that I’ve always noticed: people literally battle to be there and show themselves off. It’s when everything passes, when it’s not really news anymore and everything comes back to normal, that you realize who your real friends are. They’re the ones who keep sticking around.”

“There’s a girl. I’ve met her one day where I usually go and do my tattoos. Do you believe that she didn’t really have a clue about who I was?”

“Man, that must have been a hard hit for your ego!”

“Nah, I think it was best this way. I had to be myself, something that it hadn’t happen for a long time. – Aj placed down the cup and stared seriously back at the friend. – I don’t wanna play games with her. I want what you and Nick had, what Kevin and Kristin have. But I know that I won’t ever have something even close to this if... if I don’t put my demons to rest. I want to be a better man for her. And, who knows, maybe someday for my kids.”

Brian got up and, bypassing the table, came next to Aj, kneeling down in front of him.

“This is your moment. Alex, you can do it. As long as you remember that it’s not a sprint but a marathon: you are allowed to fall down; you are allowed to have moments when all you want to do is tell everyone to fuck off. But just remember to rise up your chin and don’t ever be ashamed to admit that you’re weak.”

“Nick would be proud.”

Brian’s eye went to one of the pictures that were still around the house. “Yes, he would be.” He said, looking up to the sky.




**************



It was one of those nights when sleep didn’t come easily, like one of those train that had to wait for hours in front of a crossover for his turn to arrive. It was one of those nights when the melancholy slipped silently inside the blankets, wrapping itself around his bones and muscles as if it wanted to warm him up instead of wool and sheets. It was one of those nights when Brian would close his eyes and memories would run behind each others as images in black and white, mute and silent because voices weren’t needed to remember laughter and kisses.

“I miss you. I miss lying down beside you and tell you about my day, I miss hearing you while you tell me about the last script you are trying to write or how you have managed to blow both the washing machine and the oven up at the same time. And you know what the worst thing is? It’s that I’m not the only one missing you. Everyone misses you. Do you know how many times I find an empty calls coming from Howie or Kevin? And let’s not talk about the tons of mails that I still receive from the fans. Everyone misses you and it’s not fair. It’s not fair because there was still so much that you could give, there are still so many people that find themselves without their main support... And tough I can be strong; I’m still not ready to an example for others. I barely know what I’m doing and I still don’t know if it’s going to work.”

Brian hid his face under the blanket, ending up in a sort of nest where darkness protected him and it made him feel less ashamed to let some tears fall down. A hand was holding the cell phone while the other, instead, was gripping the necklace where Brian had put those two rings that should, and still nevertheless, have symbolized his and Nick’s relationship.

“There are moments when I still hate you, do you know? You should be here, with me, and yet you aren’t. And it might seem strange but there are mornings when I wake up and I don’t find you sleeping here by my side. And I get so angry. I’m angry and pissed because you haven’t even left a single note to tell me that you would leave early. And then... then I remember and it’s like a punch in the gut. And I hate you for this.
Tomorrow I’m going to visit the college and the campus. Aj offered to go with me and why I already know that he’s going to make me look like an idiot? Though... though today he said something that I didn’t want to comment. I wish he hadn’t said it but I can’t. It was meant to be a joke, something about how I was going to be a heartbreaker once the lessons would begin and... and I think that something might had slipped past because he understood that I didn’t get his joke and just said that, one day, I would fall in love with someone else. And that was what you would have wanted for me. But it’s not the truth, you and I know this. I mean, I know that you want me to be happy but I know you. Nick. You were so damn jealous. You were so damn jealous even of a simple stare that lasted a little too long for your liking and I know that the thought of me with someone who isn’t you would drive you mad even up there in heaven. And honestly? Honestly, Nick, I don’t think it will ever be a problem. The mere thought of someone else other than you by my side is enough for giving me a panic attack. I’ve already had what everyone is searching. I had you. Who else would ever be like you? And I’m not talking about the physical features, especially cause basically everyone will always be taller than me... – A laugh escaped out from the sheets, bringing away with it some tears and gifting the air and the wind. – I can’t, Nick. Even if you had given me a sort of approval, I can’t and I will never be able to love someone like I loved you. And I’m okay with it. It’s alright.
And I miss you.”