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Author's Chapter Notes:
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Message #4




“Today there has been your funeral, Nick. It hadn’t rain, even though I wished there would be the rain instead of this sun. It would have been more appropriate, everyone should cry for your loss. Or... maybe it’s better, maybe it was another sign that this is still the worst nightmare I’ve ever had and you’re waiting for me to wake up. Anyway, you know what mom told me when I was little? She used to say that rain was only the angel’s cry and there was no need to be afraid. I didn’t believe it, of course. You’re raised to believe that angels are those mystic creatures who don’t know about pain and suffer or heartache. So, they shouldn’t cry and rain can’t be their tears. Now... oh, only now I understand that there was a hidden truth underneath those words. Angels cry, they do, Nick. Because angels are people who had been ripped out from the ones they loved, ripped out from a world where they had a purpose and where they were happy. So, yes, I wanted the rain today, I needed to feel your tears on my face for this last time. But you never liked to cry. You always made up some excuse, like something got caught in your eyes or that you were allergic to something. I’ve never believed it. And you know, right? Because you never pulled away when I would hug you and told you that it was okay to break down because I got you and I would never let something or someone hurt you. Even yourself.

Maybe the sun was more appropriate. I don’t know. I don’t care. I would only care it this was a bad dream but, maybe, I’m just chasing away from reality.

You would have liked it. The funeral, I mean. It was simple. It was private. It’s the only thing that I’ve fought for, I left the rest of details to your mother and Kevin. No, I chose another thing. The flowers. Your favorite, sunflowers.

They wanted me to say something during the ceremony. They wanted me to talk about you. I’ve tried. I spent all morning thinking over the right words that would bring justice to who you were, the amazing person you were and will always be. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find them. The words, I mean. Because the Nick I’ve fallen in love with, the Nick that still I love with every fiber of my soul, my best friend, my lover and partner, this Nick can’t be define by simple and mere words. You are, were, Nick. My world, my soul and my heart. And now you’ve taken them with you, leaving here with nothing more than a soulless body and you... you can’t ask me to move on like nothing had happened. Like I’ve never met you.
Tell me how I should go on with my life. Tell me. No, better: show me. Get down here and show me how I’m supposed to forget this.

I’m still staying at Kevin’s. Well, I didn’t have any other choice. He forced me to go with him so he can keep me under control. He’s still here, you know? Of course you know, you can see us from that clouds that now is your home up there. He’s keeping himself in distance, leaving me space to say those last words to you. But he’s afraid, he’s scared that I might do something stupid like fall in this grave where you’ve just being buried in. Why should I do something like that? Only because I know that you’re scared to being alone? I wish I could stay here forever, Nick. So, maybe, we’ll never be alone.”


A voice behind Brian called him as a hand came resting upon his shoulder. He closed the phone and put it away in his pocket. His eyes never left the grave still open in front of him. In the other hand, he held a sunflower. He brought it to his lips, kissed it softly before throwing it upon the coffin. “I’m not saying goodbye, Nick. I... I will never say goodbye to you.” He said before turning and walking away.