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I was sick with the flu when I wrote this, so when you read it and go "WTF?" keep in mind that I was doped up on drugs and delirious with fever. That said, ENJOY! =D

If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never be able to forget that big apocalypse scare of 2012. The Mayan calendar counted down to doomsday, and you might not believe it, but the world almost missed Christmas.

Oh, excuse me – call me Nacho.

What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a talking dog before?

Really? You haven’t?

I’m guessing you’ve never seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua, then? Or Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey? Or Look Who’s Talking Now?

How about Lady and the Tramp? Come on… don’t tell me you’ve never seen Lady and the Tramp!!!

Ugh… you suck!

Anyway… where was I? Oh yeah… I was here. Where’s “here,” you ask? I call it Tinseltown… better known as Los Angeles. Home to the stars – yep, here’s where we make ‘em. Nice place to live, you know. I live here with my master, Nick Carter, and his girl.

Lauren’s big into health and fitness. “Nick, you haven’t worked out all week! You’re not going to fit into your stage clothes!” I can hear her nagging. “Get to the gym!”

“I’m busy, Lauren. We’re about to go on tour!”

“Who ever heard of a fat popstar? Go work out!”

Now, don’t any of you worry your girly parts about Nick. Lauren won’t let him get too skinny. She likes a little junk in his trunk, too, if you know what I mean. And forget all that wheatgrass bullshit – boy still likes his Twinkies! He has a secret stash of ‘em hoarded from 2012 that he sneaks when he thinks no one’s watching.

Grr… I hate when Nick goes on tour, especially when he and Lauren start bickering beforehand. They only do it because they don’t want to admit how much they’ll miss each other when they’re apart. Maybe they think it’ll be easier that way.

At least the guys are staying in the States this tour. Nothing like that year of the Mayan apocalypse. I don’t know what they would have done without Patches to pull them through. Anyway…

Hm? Patches? Could it be that some of you are not acquainted with the story of Patches the Flying Pandaskunk?

Well, pull up a cushion and lend an ear! Let me tell you how Patches saved Christmas that year.

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