Flower the Skunk looked up in surprise as the face of his demon spawn son appeared on one of the security camera monitors backstage. “Patches?”
“Hi, Dad.” Patches looked like a saaaaad pandaskunk. “Dad, I know I promised you I was coming home…”
“I didn’t even know you were gone.”
“But,” Patches sighed, “it looks like I’m gonna have to break that promise.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
A solitary tear streamed down the patch of black under Patches’ eye. “I love you, Dad.”
“Stop that; you’re creeping me out!” snapped Flower.
“Gotta go now, Daddy-O.”
As the screen cut to static, Flower turned to his friends Thumper and Bambi. “What the fuck was that?”
They just shrugged.
But by that evening, it was all over the news: with the help of a flying pandaskunk, the Backstreet Boys had prevented the 2012 apocalypse by blowing up the asteroid that was doomed to destroy the world.
The blast of the asteroid exploding was felt across the galaxies. In the midst of the Life Day festivities on Kashyyyk, Han looked at Leia. “I’m sure Luke wasn’t on that thing when it blew…”
Leia searched her feelings for a second, then shook her head. “He wasn’t,” she said, smiling. “I can feel it.”
“Oh, good.”
In fact, Luke was already entering Earth’s atmosphere with a shipload of Backstreet Boys to deliver home. When they landed, their families were there to greet them. Lauren leapt into Nick’s arms, hooking her long legs around his waist, the curve of his ass forming a perfect shelf for her feet. I ran around them in frantic circles, barking with excitement. Baylee bounded towards Brian, Leighanne hot on his heels. Kristin and Mason were there, too, and Leigh and James, and even Rochelle, who waddled as fast as her cankles would allow to get to AJ.
Everyone was cheering for the Backstreet Boys. Across the planet, people from every culture and creed celebrated in front of their TVs. In Disneyland, the characters danced, and on Endor, the Ewoks sang. Even the outcasts on the Planet of Misfit Fans could find no reason to be miserable. Their beloved boyband had saved all of mankind – and doggiekind, too! It was a Christmas miracle!
And that is why, every Christmas, we watch this classic cartoon featuring a flying pandaskunk and the Backstreet Boys blasting off into space, and we sing the words to their now-famous song: “And when the pandaskunk flies down, down, down… you know that Backstreet’s back in town, town, town! That’s when it’s Christmas time again!”
For Christmas, you see, is all about celebrating the Messiah, our savior, who made the ultimate sacrifice to save our souls. Sing it with me now, Boys!
“Patches the Flying Pandaskunk! He’ll go down in hiiii-stooo-ryyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!”
