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Now they were really taking their chances because, you see, the Millennium Falcon had run into a massive asteroid field.

“This field’s as thick as glitterstim,” Han complained.

“You mean a bamboo forest,” Patches corrected.

Han gave him a look of annoyance. “You eat what you like; I’ll eat what I like. Ow!” A sudden jolt caused his head to collide with the control column. “Something hit us!”

“No kidding!” said Brian, feeling queasy again.

Chewbacca bellowed in alarm, as warning bells went off all over the ship.

“What’s happening??”

“The ship’s been damaged. We’re gonna have to make an emergency landing,” said Han, his teeth gritted in determination as he fought to navigate his spacecraft safely to the nearest planet. As Chewie howled in protest, Han said, “I know your family’s waiting. I know it’s an important day. I’ll get you back there in time, pal, trust me.”

At that point, Brian could only close his eyes and pray. He felt the impact as they crash landed and thought for sure they were goners, for when he opened his eyes again, he saw only white.

“Where are we?” he heard Patches ask in a hushed whisper.

Wherever they were, it wasn’t Heaven. Brian became convinced of this when he looked around at the bleak, craggy landscape. White mountains of ice jutted out of the ground, pointing, dagger-like, at the steel-gray sky. “Is this Hoth?” he asked Han, somehow managing to recall the name of the ice planet from the first act of The Empire Strikes Back.

Han shook his head, an intense look upon his face. “We aren’t on Hoth. Wherever we are, it’s a planet I’ve never been.” He was staring straight ahead, and when Brian followed his line of sight through the windshield, he saw the point upon which Han was fixated: a formidable-looking fortress, perched precariously atop the highest peak. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”

Despite Han’s premonition, they disembarked the ship, eager to inspect the damage so they could repair it and be on their way. But no sooner had they set foot on solid ground than a voice shouted, “Halt! Who goes there?”

The weary survivors spun around to see a young woman, armed with a spear and wearing a sneer on her face. “Us, of course. Who’d you think?” replied Han, flashing her his trademark smirk.

“Oh, well, then that’s okay,” the woman started to say, then seemed to realize her mistake. “Okay?! Who, may I ask, are you?” Despite the forced politeness of her words, her tone was none-too-kind.

“We’re Brian Littrell, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Patches the Pandaskunk, miss,” Brian introduced himself and his companions cordially.

The woman smirked. “Oh, I know who you are. I love the Backstreet Boys,” she said coolly.

“Really? Gee, thanks!” Brian was impressed; he’d had no idea the group had an intergalactic fanbase. “And who are you?”

“I’m the official sentry of the Planet of Misfit Fans. My name is-”

“Don’t tell me,” Brian interrupted with a knowing smile, having noticed the nametag she wore pinned to her shirt. “Mariah.”

“No. Audrey.” The woman smirked again.

“Audrey? But… your nametag says Mariah.”

“That’s my screen name. My real name is Audrey. But it doesn’t matter, because no one wants to talk to a douche who steals other people’s website graphics and posts them as her own without credit to the creator, then denies it. So I had to come here.”

“Where’s here?” Patches asked again.

At that point, the barren landscape became populated by hordes of strange people, who sang solemnly as they surrounded the new arrivals. “We’re on the Planet of Misfit Fans. Here we don’t want to stay. We want to be with the Backstreet Boys… sung to on the stage…”

Suddenly, the tempo of their song picked up, and the tone became more upbeat. “A crapload of noise from an army deployed, the millions of girls who love the Backstreet Boys. When BSB is here… the most wonderful day of the year! The stage manager waits for the fans to shout, ‘Come on! Don’t you know that it’s time to come out!’ When BSB is here… the most wonderful day of the year!”

Han raised his eyebrows at Brian, looking half-amused, half-terrified. “Didn’t realize you had such a following,” he muttered out of the side of his mouth. Brian shrugged, equally bewildered.

“Bras galore… scattered on the floor,” chanted the fans, waltzing around them. “And we’ll throw some more. Now let’s make some noise for Backstreet Boys!”

“A diamond for AJ…”
sang one girl, holding out a ring.

“A t-shirt for Nick,” added another. “Did you know that Thor is our name for his dick?”

“When BSB is here…”
they all chorused. “The most wonderful day of the year!”

Then a girl carrying a laptop came forward, sweeping her long, blonde hair over her shoulder. “How would you like to be a fanfic plagiarist?” she asked in a Danish accent.

“Or a fangirl with a Nick dummy and a creepy fake baby?” said another, cradling a blanketed piece of cardboard with a photo of adult Nick plastered over its “face.”

“Or someone who exploits her disability to get good seats?” added a third, tucking her hair behind her ears to make sure her hearing aids were showing. “We’re all misfits!”

“How about a ‘fan’ that doesn’t support you? IMO, I criticize everything you do!” scoffed one with frizzy hair, rolling her eyes.

“Or a batshit crazy hoarder who claims to have gotten pregnant through the internet?” sniveled a strange girl with a high, sweet voice, who, for some reason, had a huge heap of stuff piled on the bed behind her.

“Or a metal dude who weeps when he misses the Backstreet Boys on TRL and then whines about it on YouTube?” sulked a beastly, bearded man. “We’re all misfits!”

“If we’re on this planet of infamous fans, we’ll miss all the fun with our favorite boyband! When BSB is here… the most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day of the year!”

“Hey, we’re all misfits too!” exclaimed Patches. “Maybe we could stay here for awhile!”

Ix-nay on the aying-stay, thought Brian, who was somewhat disturbed by the shocking display of mental illness he had just witnessed.

But before he could protest, Audrey the sentry said, “Well, you’ll have to get permission from Princess Kujo.”

“Who’s she?”

“She rules here. Every night, she searches the entire Internet. When she finds a misfit fan, one with no life outside of the fandom, she brings it here to be one of her minions, ‘til her narcissistic personality pushes it away. She’s holding court in her castle right now.”

The misfit fans lead them to Princess Kujo’s castle, where they were received by a Saint Bernard wearing a silver tiara. “Come closer!” she barked, as they entered her chamber. “What do you desire?”

“Well, we’re a couple of misfits from Earth,” said Patches. “And now, we’d like to live here.”

“No, that would not be possible,” the princess proclaimed, looking down at the pandaskunk with disdain. “This planet is for fans alone.”

“How do you like that?” muttered Han Solo, smirking at Brian. “Even among misfits, you’re misfits!”

“But perhaps,” the princess continued, foamy saliva spewing from her lips, “being misfits yourselves, you might help the fans here.”

“Help them?”

“Yes.” The Saint Bernard’s eyes, bloodshot from sty rabies, met Brian’s. “When, someday, you return to Earth, would you tell the other Backstreet Boys about their alienated fans? I’m sure they’d want to find a way to reach us. A fan is never truly happy until she has been serenaded by a Backstreet Boy.”

“When and if we ever get back, I’ll tell them, Your Highness,” Brian promised.

“Good,” said the princess. “You are free to spend the night… in my bed.” She winked at Brian, a little spittle dribbling down her chin. “Minions! Show our friends to my bedroom.”

It was awkward sharing a bed with another man, a Wookiee, a pandaskunk, and a crowned Saint Bernard, to say the least. Brian couldn’t sleep. While the others snored, he lay awake. Finally, he decided he couldn’t stand it another second, and so, he slipped out of bed and went for a walk to kill some time.

Time passed slowly, but Brian’s thoughts raced. He couldn’t stop thinking. And thinking made Brian realize you can’t run away from your troubles. And pretty soon, he knew where he had to go.

Home.

***
Chapter End Notes:
Sorry if this seemed mean-spirited, but hey, when you insult or steal from me or my friends, you're inevitably going to end up on my Naughty List. =P