Meanwhile, on the Planet of Misfit Fans, the misfits were gathered around a meager fire, miserably roasting marshmallows so they could eat their feelings in s’mores.
“Well, it’s almost Christmas,” sighed Debbie Downer.
“Looks like we’re forgotten again,” sulked Negative Nancy.
“But Brian promised they’d come this time!” cried Wendy Whiner.
“I guess the journey was too much for them,” pouted Pessimistic Patty, rolling her eyes.
None of them could hear the roar of an approaching engine over the sound of their own complaining.
“We might as well just go to bed and start dreaming of death,” mumbled Clinically Depressed Chloe. “I hope I never wake up.”
“I haven’t any dreams left to dream!” moped Melodramatic Melanie. “We’ll never get off this planet! Never!”
“Fuck my life!” snapped Suicidal Susie.
“Fuck all our lives!” agreed Homicidal Holly.
“What a minute!” Attention-Seeking Ashley gasped suddenly. “What’s that?” She pointed toward a massive shape in the sky. “Is it-? Is it-?”
“It sure is! It’s the Backstreet Boys!” shouted Bipolar Becky, bouncing up and down. “You can hear their music from here!”
And sure enough, when they stopped their bitching and started to listen, they could hear strains of Backstreet Boys music drifting down from the clouds, as their spaceship made its slow descent to the ground. Upon landing, a computerized voice counted down. “Three… two… one… zero.” Then, to the sounds of “Larger Than Life,” the doors of the spaceship slid open to reveal the five Backstreet Boys.
“Ha-ha-ha… HA!” cackled AJ, leaping out of the ship.
Brian bounded out behind him and pushed him aside. “I may run and hide when you’re screaming my name, alright!” he sang, as the misfit fans shrieked with delight, and his voice did not break, for he had been healed by the powers of love and acceptance.
“But let me tell you now there are prices to fame, alright?” added Nick, attracting even more enthusiastic screams.
AJ threw his arms up and belted, “All of our time spent in flashes of li-ee-iy-ee-iy-ee-ight!”
“All you people, can’t you see, can’t you see?” they all chorused. “How your love’s affecting our reality? Every time we’re down, you can make it right, and that… makes you… larger… than life!”
For close to three hours, the Backstreet Boys sang and danced and pulled misfits fans onto their makeshift stage to serenade, making all their dreams come true. It was, indeed, the most stellar show of their career. But like all good things must, the show eventually came to an end. Christmas was only a few short weeks away, and the Boys were keen on celebrating it with their families back home.
“Well, we must be on our way,” Brian told the misfit fans, to widespread whining, crying, complaints, and threats of suicide. “Sorry,” he apologized, “but we really have to get home. Thanks for being such a great audience. We love you!”
Then the Boys turned and high-tailed it back to their rocketship, eager to get away from the crazed fanatics who might attempt to sabotage their departure. “Ready, Nick?” asked Kevin, once they were safely buckled into their seats.
“Ready, Kev!” called Nick from the cockpit.
“Okay, Nick! Full power!”
Nick turned on the rocket boosters and thrust down the throttle. With a sick, sputtering sound, the spaceship lurched forward and then came to a complete stop.
“What happened?!” AJ cried.
Inside the cockpit, emergency lights were flashing. “Call ground control ‘cause something’s wro-o-o-ong!” sang Nick, to avoid sounding too panic-stricken. “Dude, I don’t know, but I think we just lost our engine!”
“Oh no! Now what??” Howie was practically hyperventilating.
“I know!” Brian had stayed calm, the sole voice of reason. He turned to the pandaskunk strapped into the seat beside him. “Patches, with your powers of flight, won’t you pull our ship tonight?”
Patches’ furry face split into a big panda grin. “It would be an honor, sir.”
Everyone cheered, as Brian harnessed Patches to the front of the spaceship. “Up, up, and away!” he shouted, and the flying pandaskunk floated into the stratosphere, pulling the spaceship slowly through the air of desperation surrounding the Planet of Misfit Fans.
As they hurtled through space, the Backstreet Boys passed the time by doing the thing they did best: singing!
“Patches the Flying Panda… had a very skunk-like tail…” started Nick.
“And if you ever saw him,” continued AJ, “you would say, ‘Dude, what the hell?’”
“All of the other critters,” added Howie, “used to keep him in the dark.”
“They never let poor Patches… go out in the Disney park!” Brian rhymed.
“Then one day in Disneyland, Backstreet came to play,” crooned Kevin. “Patches met up with Bri and…”
“…Went to space with Chewie and Han,” finished Brian.
Howie smiled. “Then everybody loved him!”
“‘Specially when he pulled their ship,” sang Nick.
“Patches the Flying Pandaskunk…” they chorused, leaving AJ with the last line: “You are one badass hybrid!”
***
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Skin created by Kali & edited by Karen.